Richard has booked into the horror weekend, disguised as a Texan millionaire. John is expecting the real Texan the following week, so is taken aback when he arrives early....

 

JOHN	Anyway, when the tosser really does show up
RICHARD	What's that "tosser" word? Some kind of old English name?
JOHN	No, actually, it's a....it's a...
SUSAN	Term of endearment!
RICHARD	Well, yessirree, I like that little old name. Howdy do, John, you tosser.
SUSAN	Actually it's "Sir" John
RICHARD	"Sir" John - wowee! I ain't never met no real life English knight before. Then you must be one of them, thar "Ladies"?
SUSAN	I beg your pardon?
RICHARD	"Lady" Deron.
SUSAN	Has quite a ring to it, doesn't it?
MARY	Lady Muck
RICHARD	Lucifer Beauregard Cutlass the third, at your service ma'am. (Richard takes Susan's hand and kisses it)
SUSAN	Lucifer?
RICHARD	Daddy lost the toss... He wanted to call me Beelzebub
SUSAN	You little devil!
JOHN	Can we dispense with the pleasantries? Excuse me, is anyone at home?
RICHARD	Uh?
JOHN	I wasn't expecting you for a week. What's happened? This all terribly inconvenient. You can't just turn up out of the blue, unannounced. It's terribly bad form.
RICHARD	I can soon turn around and get back on that plane, Sir John. If that's what you want.
JOHN	Well..
MARY	Eh mush, do you know what this weekend is based on?
JOHN	That will be quite enough of that, aunt Mary. Thank you.
MARY	Well we think it's absolutely disgusting, don't we girls?
THE GIRLS	Yes!
RICHARD	Ladies. I ain't got no mind to what this weekend is based on. I ain't interested in the past. It's here, now and the future that takes my fancy. Y'know what I'm saying.
THE GIRLS	What?
RICHARD	D'you like the feel of it in your hand?
AMANDA	I do!
RICHARD	Do you like the smell of it?
THE GIRLS	Ugh!
RICHARD	Do you like it, when it's big and hard in your pocket?
MARY	Percy, shut your ears!
RICHARD	I'm talking about....Moolah...(ooh!)...Dough...(ooh!)...Dosh...Buckets of the stuff. Green and crinkly - far as the eye can see. Play your cards right and I'll see to it, y'all get your cut.
THE GIRLS	We're all ears
JOHN	Y'see, Sir John an' me's been hatching a little plan. An' I just gone and brought that plan straight over from the U.S. and this is how it reads..

Cue Song!