Last Words


Write intro piffle here when arsed.  Ok, this is dedicated to my friend's father who saw us pissing ourselves laughing at the Monty Python sketch "Salad Days" and when the bloke had his hands cut off by a piano said completely seriously:

"Don't laugh, I saw that happen to somebody - and it's not funny."

Send your suggestions using this submit form or email me at Hello_Mr_Spoon@yahoo.com

• Is this a machine gun or a telescope?
• See, I told you it wasn't poisonous.
• I can drink electricity - straight from the socket, seriously, it's lovely!
• Being from Spain I'm immune to drain cleaner, we drink it like you drink tea, I'll show you.  Oh, I transtlated wrong.
• Hi, my name's Jimmy.  I'll get your frisby for you.
• Watch me tightrope walk along these spiky railings.  No, I've done it before, it's really easy.
• I bet I can drive with my eyes shut and also count to 10.
• Watch this tiger take this biscuit out of my mouth
• You look just like that nutcase Jeff Dahmer that went to our school.  Oh, hi Jeff!
• Is this a double-barrelled shotgun or binoculars?
• Ambassador, with these hand-grenades - you are really spoiling us.
• Oh God, we're going to drown, quickly - do as I do and cut gills in your throat with your bayonets
• It's ok I'm wearing rubber soles.
• Wow, this cyanide tastes just like marzipan!
• Don't pull the trigger very hard so the bullets come out slowly and when I see them I'll duck.
• Did you just stab me?  There, you've done it again!
• No, rat-poison does only kill rats, why do you think it's called Rat poison?  And no, this is just a normal nosebleed... and eyes bleed.  Ooops, how embarassing, I didn't think I was due on for another week!
• Look at this drumkit I've made out of old land mines!
• Hmmm, oooh, baby - guns make great sex toys.
• Your dad's got lots of guns.  Your family must be complete freaks.
• Is this a kaleidoscope or a bazooka?
• Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you glad to see me?  Ho ho!  Is is a gun, and you're not glad about something!
• This prototype diving helmet I am about to test is made from pure sodium.
• Could you give me something for depression, doctor Shipman?
• Somebody's parked a big van in my parking space.
• Is this a weighing-scales or a land mine?
• Wahhh!!  I left my parachute in my other coat...  no bother, this broken bottle and spikes factory with break my fall.
• I'll make myself look muscular by injecting my arms with air... and poison!
• This old fridge will make a great sensory deprivation tank.
• Men, our plane is about to crash, and due to a misunderstanding we've each been issued with pair-of-shoes... not para-chutes... SO!  Quickly - do as I do and cut gills in your throat with your bayonets!
• Puppies!  Yeah!  I'd love to see some puppies!
• That bloody Doodle-Bug is getting on my wick!  Thank God for that, it's shut-up now.
• Alright Davina, ya chipstick - are all these my fans?
• How dare a jungle bunny try and steal from me.  You'd still be using those robbing fingers to pick cotton back in my day!
• Oh look, it's one of those little Japanese micro hotels - and in a submarine, too.  I'll have a quick nap and you can piss about with all those buttons over there next to the torpedos.
• I'm practising to be a sword swallower, you know, working my way up.  I've already swallowed six knives today, one of them electric... and it was on.
• Daddy, if you keep doing this I'm going to tell the police.
• Scrappy Dappy DOooooooooo!
• Oh, I'm running low on 'gas'... and I live in Washington... therefore I'm American and deserve to be shot anyway.  YeeeHahhhh!  Go Ricky, Go Ricky - Jerrrryy, Jerrryyy Waazzzzupppppp.
• That dildo you're driving up me with a hammer looks just like a 5 inch artillery shell.
• Awwwww, he looks like a big scary rotweiller but he's just a big softy, aren't you Cujo - give mummy a kiss.
• Hello, and welcome to lesson one on my home-made video on auto erotic asphyxiation.  Lesson One: The Belt.
• I wonder if this piano wire can take my weight if I tie it round my neck and jump off this bridge?  We'll soon see, but sometimes I wonder why I speak to myself like this anyway.
• Wow, I've heard that when you put nitric acid and glycerine in a Sodastream it makes fuck off lovely pop!
• Big Issue... Big Issue.... Big Issue, sir??.... tight fucker.
• Niggers..?  Darkies...?  Wogs...?  What do you fellers call yourselves nowadays.  Of course we'd just have to say boy and one of your sort would come running.

Readers' Suggestions:

• Granddad said that this heavy gold clock he bought me will only stop working at the second of my death. I intend to disprove that theory by smashing it full force into the side of my head.
• I'm a world champion at chicken, you'll see...
• Foolishly the Army turned down the opportunity to see this demo of my deadly semi-automatic boomerang...
• Call THAT an enema, this is....
• What a lot of people fail to understand is that the Rhinocerous horn is only an aphrodisiac if it remains part of the live animal...
• Turkey always tastes best after its been left in a hot Kitchen for a week or so...
• Just because I slept with your wife and sisters while you were inside doesn't mean we can't remain friends...
• My testes can take all forms of punishment...
• If it's good enough for the dog, it's good enough for me.
• Oh fuck, i knew i should have cut the red wire.  [Wah, you left no name but ticked name credit]
• Yes darling, if I'm honest, that dress makes your arse look huge.
• This chip pan makes a great hat.
• Jar Jar Binks!? that was my idea.
• Sergeant? i think....i think im gay.  Actually I fancy the cock off you.
• Steve, you CUNT. I'm off to live in the fridge with all this Special Brew.
  
  

Dan Manta (Who is polite and patient) says:

• You mix it all together and I'll drink it! (I love this one)
• Heh heh...i stole these novelty exploding cigars from an open faced quarry...just paint over the red bits and make the fuse shorter....
• I had this great dream last night....get me the drill so i can show you
• I'm tired of being fat... maybe i can cook all this lard off?
• I've been doing yoga for three weeks now! watch me bend my arms out of the way of this bus.
• Sex with electric eels is so.......lovely!  (Niiice!  Somebody showed me a mag they'd bought called "eels for pleasure" once and it still haunts me.)
• I was short of money so i got arsenic instead of cocaine.
• Grenade! we'll be ok if i swallow it! i saw it in a cartoon!
  
  Please write some more, Dan.  You've got the good thing going.

[ Shout ] - [ Mr-Spoon ] - [ Submit ]