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Barbara Says...
Hello, I'm 70s superstar Barbara Woodhouse, and in between being dead I like to take a moment to cast a stern yet hateful eye over the world as I see it today.

Yeah, most of the telly that we likes as a pup is gone, and now it's all American junk, like. To me the British adopting American ways is like having a big fat man wearing a stetson wazzing in your gob and him says, 'Taste that! That's Sodastream 2000, baby!"

And you say, "Wow, where do I get the gas cylinder refilled?  I like it already, and wouldn't want the shock of going short of a dose?! That's exhillerating pop, for sure, daddio!"

And whoever started this tripe says, "Don't you know a metaphor when you tastes it? Or is you brought up all slack?"

And you says, "Of course I did, you glibbster ! I worked in the Army and Navy stores for nigh on twenty minutes! They almost stopped my dole, they did! And would have done, if it hadn't have been for those meddlin' kids!"

"Well, that's what prize Terrier Dandy Dinmont told me, just this very morn. But he don't like the American stylin's that he sees in the world today, Oh no! He says if you wanna become a walking talking advert for Pedigree Chum follow this simple rhyme!"
I don't watch Re-Runs, I watch Repeats,
When I sees the postman I bites his feets.

Orientated is right Oriented is wrong,
Pedigree Chum makes me mighty strong!

Season is what my missus comes into every summer
but using it instead of Series is a complete non runner!

These American terms make me froth and stammer,
Please Mr McKensie put down that hammer!

I weren't the one what put that frog through your letter box!
Yes you were, you naughty dog!
For god's sake it was only a little frog!  And how the hell was I supposed to know it was poisonous?  I'm a prize winning dog not a palaeontologist...  though I do sometimes use that as a chat up line when I'm pissed up.
"Hey, darling have you ever had sex with a palaeontologist before?"
"No."
"Well come home with me tonight and I show you a real big bone!"
But lying is bad, all the same. And admittedly I did get the sack from The Army and Navy stores for stealing the peas out of the rescue whistles and unravelling the till roll and wrapping it around myself pretending to be the Andrex dog.  But it was after hours, and why did Mr McKensie kick up such a fuss.  And christ almighty have you seen the face on his wife!!

Anyway, that's why modern telly is rubbish.

If you agree with me about the Americanisation of Britain being soul destroying, go straight around your neighbour's house and call him a cunt, right to his face.  But don't tell him why, then he'll spend hours wondering what he's done and might even come round your house later on with a gift voucher to appease you.

Anyway who thinks McKensie blew the whole whistle thing out of proportion? (cough cough)