Shout - Said Then Dead - Millionaire - Home - Submit

Old Man's Repertoire: Why do they rattle on, so? Eventually the millions of cells dying in your brain day after day will leave you with only a limited amount of phrases that you can use. These phrases are hard-coded in human DNA and are manifest in the words of the elderly.  If you shove a pensioner in a record player then the wrinkles on their faces actually play these ghastly phenomenon, in mono!  When confonted by these geriatric Furbys just nod and smile and try to ignore the smell of urine coming from your tea. I get my granny back every Christmas, though.  I always give her a huge bottle of Creme de Menthe but it's really just ground up Polos and washing up liquid.     "Ooooh, I loves a drop of that." she says, "It's like mothers' milk to meee." And there we have our first bloody annoying example of the OMR. If you can think of any more submit them to hello_mr_spoon@yahoo.com or use this submit form, because typically I can only think of three now.  All the rubbish ones were submitted by other people.  All mine are dead funny.  They are, though. I'm also planning Teachers' Repertoire so pump out some of them if you can think of any, but remember, it's not for my benefit, it's for yours. What they do say: The nights are drawing in. Jump in my grave so quick? She's signing her life away. Oooh, I've had a terrible pain under my diagram all day. He's got money to burn. You look like you've been in the wars. You have to be cruel to be kind.  Or just for the sake of it, sometimes. It's past its best. They were billing and cooing like a right little pair of love birds, they were. Eat that and you'll have worms as big as adders. It never rains but it pours. I'll be dead this time next year. (My uncle really used to say this) I like Barrymore, I do.  He's a real entertainer, he is, like they had in the old days.  Crack me up, he do.  He don't use language like that Jim Davidson.  I could eat him all up, I could, he's lovely, and because I'm a cannibal, I am.  Not really, Jean, go back to your knitting, love. I was asleep before my head hit the pillow. You're a long time dead. You can't take it with you. I'm not long for this world. I'll have his guts for garters. And that'll be his downfall in the end.  (has many lead-ins, like he was too confident). My belly thinks my throats been cut. If I've said it once I've said it a thousand times. I asked for your [xxx] not your life story. Nooo, nothing for me, thanks... oh go on then, just a little piece... no, bigger than that... no, bigger... keep going you stingey fucker. You should count your blessings and be thankful for what you've got. She've had it all taken away. You're wass-names boy, inneww? You want to get yourself down the Kwik-Save, Jean.  Best ham 30 pence off, it is.  I had two slices, I did.  I had one, George had one for his tea, and I gave the other one to the cat.  I don't eat ham myself, but at those prices you can't afford not to eat it, can you? It's there to be eaten. Just look at his little face.  He's almost human, isn't he, he can understand every word you're saying you know. Don't go eating that in waste. Is your Billy still dead? How much did that cost?  Money and fair words.  (who ever came up with this needs punishment - even if they're in hell) I'll go to the foot of our stairs.  (I like that...  has great sarcastic potential) He's got short arms and long pockets. She caught when she was on the pill. Money doesn't grow on trees. Fell pregnant at nineteen years of age, she did. She's 100 years young today.  (Grrrrr - this winds me up sour!) There's none of us getting any younger. Time is the greatest healer.  (I could rant madly, oh yes!  When was the last time you went to hospital with a broken leg and got prescribed a fucking cuckoo clock?) Laughter is the best medicine.  (See above.  Yes, the doctor gave me Jimmy Tarbuck and Jimmy Cricket videos when I had lukaemia.  I just knew I was in the placebo group.) Aye, but you'd like to have his money, though. Don't speak ill of the dead. During the war we had to brush our teeth with soot, wash our hair in vinegar and fellate black soldiers for a pair of tights. She's all fur coat and no knickers. You're robbing Peter to pay Paul. I'm not dead yet. The old money was the best.  Two hundred and forty pence to the pound.  Where did them other one hundred and forty pence go when they went decimal?  Where?  Well I haven't got them, I can tell you that much for nothing. They should bring back hanging for what he's done. I went through me like a dose of salts. Hanging's tooo good for him. Never go to sleep on an argument. I'll bloody swing for him. God, you've grown, haven't you?  You were only knee-high to a grasshopper last time I saw you. He was a lovely man, never said a bad word about anyone. Jean just loves this selection submitted by Basil.  Plus they're better than mine - Grrrr! Cursing like a sailor, she was. Of course, things were different during the war. You call that fashion?!  Honestly, every time I peep out of the curtain I swear blind I can see bare ankles! ...and all 15 of us had to share the same bath and toilet...it was great. You should think yourself lucky. Such language!  Never had all this effing and jeffing in my day, no. When the bombs were going off I was round the back getting pumped rotten - do anything for chocolate, I would. I really do admire the Queen Mother, I does...  Let's invite her round. All this sex on the goggle box these days - I tell you it is just not necessary...  I mean, you don't see that nice young Terry Wogan taking his clothes off on the radio, do you? If we were lucky we got a nice big blob of dripping to go with it. The queues as Marks and Spencer was terrible last Tuesday...AND they added 1p to their milk - extortionate!  It's daylight robbery! Yes, she looks like a young Nanette Newman, she does.  She's the spitting image of her mother.  The apple don't fall far from the tree! Dan Manta (Probably): You don't know you're born.... I'm gasping for a cup of tea. You kids with your fancy dextromethorphan...when i was a kid we had to lick frogs to get off our tits [ Home ] - [ Shout ] - [ Top ] - [ Submit ]