Who Wants To Be A Millionaire


What kind of depraved shit would you do for ten to the six quidlingers?

Everybody has played this game in the pub at one time or another and to make some of the challenges have a little more spice you can add the caveats but you're not allowed to tell (BYNATT) or but you can never tell ever (BYCNTE).  Just take a look at my first one, and see the difference that BYNATT makes, afterwards you can brag away to your heart's content.

I don't just want vileness here, I also want 'Oooo, would I?' type posers.  It's not all shagging corpses, you know.  I feel that this bit may produce very base subject matter, and I do so try to avoid that for the sake of it.  Somebody has already told me that the entire concept of this section is crap, so I might end up removing it, especially if I think I'm getting the reputation of a "Sick-Site".

Most of these you'll notice are male orientated.  Well this is brand new and most girls seem shy about letting rip with such nonsensery, or are just unimaginitive boring cows.  What do you think, Linda?

• Pick up every piece of bubble gum that you find in a urinal and chew each piece for a minumum of 24 hours until you've collected enough pieces to make a 20 lb ball. (BYNATT)
• Have a sex change operation, make three of your family members fall in love with you, at least one being a parent or sibling, then collect them all in a room and tell them your wicked secret, just like Hercule Poirot.
• Take a charcoal briquette out of a barbeque and swallow it.  Afterwards you're allowed to drink as much pop as you like.  Yay!
• Have three limbs or organs of your choice removed and then have Jamie Oliver make you a good old fry-up with them.  Pukka lovely!
• Lower your bollocks into a scalding pan of fat for 10 seconds.  Afterwards you're allowed to jump into a paddling pool full of ice cold pop.  Yay!
• Men Only.  Wear a lady's rubber dress (for a lady) for a year without removing it and have "I'm a big gay" tattood on your forehead, and attempt to go about your business as normal.  (BYNATT).
• Have boil in the bag fish everyday for a week.  Boiled in a used colostomy bag, clearly, by dribbling tv chef Jamie Olivers.
• Be buried alive for a month, being fed and watered through a hose by guess who?  Yes, tv chef Jamie Olivers who will help your quest by partially chewing all your food for you before he blows it down the pipe.  You'll also spend the time hoping that you don't produce enough waste material to drown yourself.
• Become a real Spider Man by having four extra arms stitched to your sides and eating nothing but flies for a week - it's not that bad, daddy!  Guess which tv chef is cooking up them lovely flies for you?!
• Follow around ambulances on a Honda 50 and when they stop try bartering with the driver for any "Good bits of stuff" that he might have in the back.  For God's sake, I'll only need her for half an hour! is your catchphrase.  Soon everyone will be saying it.

Smedly's posers:  Some of these are ridiculous.  They would kill you.  And that's why they're great!  Sometimes I really do lose the power of the absurd.

• Rig yourself into the water mains (anus and mouth) for a week in winter.
• Become a naked Human-Table in a popular pub for a week.  Watch out where you're stubbing out those smokes!
• See if you can fly halfway round the world in the engine of a jumbo jet.

Mule's stuff:

• Use a live frog as a tampon.  (I think a wasp would be better)
• Lick the floor of a pub toilet. (Timescale?  BYNATT?)
• Stroll up to one of them Plymouth milliant paedophile bashers and say, "I can't believe you don't love shagging kids!"  (I've yet to get hate mail, buy the whey)
• Stick your hand up a rottweiler's arse and leave it there for one hour, shag a five day old corpse, sit through an episode of Crossroads (I presume she means to recover) then shag a ten day old corpse.

Toyah:

• Let the hideously ugly Chuckle Brothers suck Marmite off your nipples for 12 solid hours whilst their theme tune plays on a continuous loop.
• Be a Butlins Redcoat, but the red coat is actually your own torso after 2 layers of skin have been rubbed off with a brillo pad soaked in pickle juice
• Drink a yard of sweat collected from the various fleshy crevices of Christopher Biggins' body through a novelty straw
• Sprinkle a packet of Hundreds and Thousands from a Birds trifle over the assembled gussets of the Roly Poly's knickers(post Can-Can dance) and get them All back in the bag using only your teeth.

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