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| Mr.
T |
The A-Team:
Only scant info is currently known about the forthcoming blockbuster
remake of the 80s hit TV show except that Mr. T will
be facing his arch nemesis in the form of Mr. U.
As the name suggests, Mr. U is one step on from Mr. T, yet his
complete opposite! Where Mr. T has hair only on top, Mr.
U sports an Oppo-Mock, a style with hair at the
sides and none on top making him look uncannily like a baldy!
Whereas Mr. T refuses travel by aeroplane, Mr. U won't go anywhere
NOT in an aeroplane, not even upstairs for a piss! For
very short trips he gets school kids to repeatedly swing him
around by one arm and leg and let go appropriately. But
for trips into town on the bus he has to be tricked into a drugged
torpor by cunningly writing the words Lovely Pop in biro
on a huge bottle of gin. And my my does he kick up stink
about it when he wakes up, bawling like a scalded baby.
The only thing that will placate him is a ride on a kiddies
Jimbo and the Jet Set ride, so have those 10p's at the
ready!
Mr. U's mouth chat is also one step along from the cursory dialect
of his foe. Where Mr. T might say, "I ain't gettun'
on no aeroplane, fool." Mr. U will relay in his plummy
manner, "Understand me, boy, I am absolute and forthright
in my intentions of remaining landbound for this excursion,
so do run along and bring me some beef tea, there's a dear."
That's if he was protesting aerial activity, which you'd know
he wouldn't if you were bloody listening, you mong!
Mr T took cleary took mechanical engineering or 'shop' at school
but Mr. U took home economics or 'cookery'. Mr. T can
knock up an armoured troop carrier complete with raddish cannon
from just lolly sticks and take-away tins, yet Mr. U can throw
together an enchanting dinner party with fine wine from a few
blades of grass and the tears of a lowly peasant boy.
Mr. U, with these pine cones... you are really spoiling us.
Jewellery is also an integral part of Mr. U's life. He
wears hundreds of sweety necklaces and big clip-on earrings
and his hands are adorned with the rings and a full set
of those ladies fingernail things from Christmas crackers.
Sometimes he sobs uncontrollably because of the excruciating
pain those evil plastic moustaches cause. But it's his
own fault, don't go feeling sorry for him, you soft sod.
Anyway, Mr. T is going to pummel him up sour if he catches Mr.
U because of his bullying kids and making them smoke Woodbines
and muck about in allotments. Greens are there to be eaten
- and Mr. T cannot abide to see a cabbage used as a makeshift
football. |
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Gladiator
star Russell Crowe is pushing aside Gary Coleman to become the new
mascot of Kia-Ora despite his finding it far too orangey.
The Australian's ancestry relates back to Britain, and his great great grandfather
was sent to the penal colonies for poaching livestock from a Lancashire bird farm,
he was in fact charged with rustling crows!
Russell is still looking for Mrs. Right but most of them seem unwilling to live
with him at the top of a ships mast or are disgusted by his requests that they
regurgitate worms for him and his young.
But his quest continues. While his chat up line of 'You're pretty, I
bet you've had loads of abortions.' seems to be letting him down in love,
his new business venture making advent calendars for psychopaths, where each day
contains an animal skull or a little girls hair, seems to be a roaring success
down in the Bayou.
Yet despite what he says he has not completed Special Cup in Super
Mario Kart, is rubbish doing the correction method after Power Turns, and
really believes Princess has got in in for him Always throwing her pies at
me! |
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The celebrity world is
pretending to mourn the passing of early morning funster Timmy Mallett
today after his mutilated carcass was found in a barn by his mother, who was naturally
distraught after being pissed on by a sleepy owl disturbed by her laughter.
Timmy Mallet (Real name Michael Hammer) was famous for having wacky spectacles,
just like the other fountains of comedy, Sue Pollard (Real name Erica Pollard)
and Christopher Biggins (Real name Herbert Dipp).
Mallett owned the
world's only set of fully working X-Ray Spex, made for him by ex Tomorrow's
World presenter Judith Han-Solo-Bayliss, enabling him to see the bones
in his hands and ladies in the nuddy. Unfortuanately they weigh 3 metric tonnes
and emit harmfully dreadful gamma radiation (produced by accelerating gammon on
a radiator) that turns people into Incredible Hulks, quick sharp, lordy lordy,
keep away from me with that thing lest you have my eye out or get my knickers
in a knot, sister, I ain't telling you twice, bloody!
And that's how the Green Goddess came about, apparently, because of his filthy
letching. He denied all responsibility for Lizzie Webb, though, but
he did say he'd put her name into his "Tommy-Tank-Tombola" as a wildcard,
which is like a spinning wooden drum into which put the names of ladies in it
he'd like to do jiggy with. If your name gets drawn 3 nights on the trot, then
it's love, and you have to get married to him, or piss lethal fumes through a
clay pipe and make good your escape through an old bookcase.
His claims that he could tell your fortune by putting his hand up your skirt have
never been disproved, though Arthur C Clarke had a damn good try, but that
was back when he was in the rugby team in juniors, do you see? Ha ha, I had you
going then! |
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Bread |
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