Television: It passes the time in between doing my pornographic jigsaws.
| 6.55 Wacky Rapists Dick Dastardly and the Anthill Mob systematically gang rape Penelope Pitstop as she innefectually cries, "Hayulp, hayulp... Ahhhm beeeyunnn vialated bah dwarves!" 7.10 Steppies Dinosaur Another episode of this prize winning show with Steppie and his dinosaur pal. 7.30 Ragtime Maggie Henderson and Fred Harris teach the under fives about menstruation with the aid of sock puppets Clotty and Jammy. In todays' episode guest star Yoffy played by Rick Jones introduces the new characters Cotton Mouse and Flush the tortoise which is nothing more than a panty pad glued to the back of his hand. 8.50 Celebrity Tin Head Slop Bucket Chugathon Three husband and wife teams placed in various jails and mad-houses around the country run from cell to cell having to take a rather unhealthy swig from the slop bucket while fending off the criminally insane. All the time the clock is ticking as their partner is having a steel pin slowly driven into their ear by a dwarf wielding a Birds toffee hammer. This Week: Paul Coia and Debbie Greenwood, Paul Daniels and the lovely Debbie McGee, and Anne Robinson and The Devil compete for a Swiffer. 9.30 Can I lick your Fanny, madam? In this episode the mother of Fanny Crumble, the first female prize fighter in the wild west, is asked by another sassy young female pugilist whether she has a chance of defeating her daughter. "You've got a fine chance, there, young missy," assures Fanny's mother, "But just you keep your chops off've her great hairy gash, y'hear me? Her cooze weeps more than that statue of the virgin Mary over in Crabbesville, and them silken boxing panties is a bugger to clean." 10.00 You've Been Framed: Dirty Old Bastard Special Hosted by Gary Glitter, this special version of the show features collated clips of kiddies doing handstands, splashing around in paddling pools and going down slides. Children from the winning clips sit on his lap to watch their performance and later he visibly sweats and shakes as they collect the £250 prize money hidden very deeply in Uncle Gary's pocket. Music by The Mini-Pops. |
7.00 Pro-Celebrity Golf This week Devine Brown (Pro) and Hugh Grant (Golf) laugh sytematically and politely as Jimmy Tarbuck caddys them around making tired jokes about wood, getting it in the hole and putz. Old people and thick-as-shit cunt teenage mothers will laugh and point at the screen while looking over at their own mothers to see if they're enjoying it as much as they are. 7.30 Wake up, Granny! Exceptionally cruel show in which parents send in video footage of their children attempting to wake up their dead grandparents. "Awwwee, won't she wake up, won't she wake up? She's a lazy bones today, isn't she. Go on, shake her a bit harder." "Nanna, Nanna - wake up!" [Camera shakes accompanied by sound of parent stifling giggles]. 8.00 Surprise Surprise: Get Rid Of It Special Tantrum throwing fathers to be are filmed backstage shouting such phrases as, "How could you have been so fucking stupid?!" after an earlier onscreen performance where they hugged their girlfriends and told them they loved them when Cilla gave them the good news. Sponsored by Gordon's Gin and Whirlpool Baths 10.00 Marionette Morgue More hilarity as people brought in to recognise their dead relatives scream in horror as the naked and sometimes incomplete corpses spring to life and perform hits from the musicals. 11.00 Humiliating The Homeless Beggars, crack-heads, waifs and strays are forced to sit in high chairs and are aeroplane spoonfed Special Brew and methodone while having to soil themselves in huge cellophane nappies. Any realising the fullness of their predicament are sent into a mock-up of their childhood bedroom and are later rudely awoken by an overbearing and physically abusive android father figure who only knows one way of expressing his love for his little princess. 12.30 Closedown There's this lady right... riding a horse and then she's getting chased by hundreds of soldiers, yeah... and then guess what? Go on, guess! Then they get this fuck-off huge golden carriage after her! It's fucking mental! And there's this tune going, thoughout the entire show, yeah, just like the last track on A Night at the Opera and then there's this spooky whistling for ages! God, it's sooo freaky - the whole thing! |