The Fountain of Fibs

None of what follows is true. It is all without exception made up. Including this bit.

Jesus Christ is alive and well and working in a small health food shop in Rickmansworth.

Mikhail Gorbochov's original task in the Politburo was to operate the stirrup pump that inflated the supports that kept Premier Kruschev upright. After Kruschev had died suddenly, Soviet scientists used the embalming techniques that had preserved Lenin's corpse to preserve that of Kruschev while they decided what to do next. However, when his right arm nearly gave way while saluting the troops in Red Square, the Politburo chose to use technology stolen by a spy planted in Jim Henson's creature shop to create a new leader, Yuri Andropov. However, lacking the experience of the Americans (who were able to keep a fake Reagan going for three years after the real president had developed an irritating habit of mooing when under stress), the plan was clearly going to fail, and it was dropped. Chernyenko, a stop-gap solution played by a man in a rubber suit, also had to be quickly replaced when it was discovered that the zip was plainly visible on some television pictures. Due to a clerical error, Gorbochov was hired as the actual Premier, rather than as the head of a team of puppeteers due to operate a new model premier.

Otters control the flow of time.

Under a rule passed by the King of Poland in 1211, October the 15th was banned, on the grounds that something bad was bound to happen. Although many of his subjects circumvented this rule by having a particularly long October 14th, the King tended to spend the day in bed with his sheets over his head. The law was never repealed, as his successors preferred to pretend that it had never happened.

When joined up in reverse alphabetical order, the stars overhead at the South Pole make a perfect sillouhette of Elvis Presley in his Las Vegas years.

William Hague is the world's top shoelace collector. If tied end to end, his collection would stretch from the Earth to the Moon three times. However, due to superstition, he refuses to keep any laces that have come from the left shoe.

A time capsule buried in the garden of the BBC studios by the Blue Peter team was secretly opened in 1997 and filled with embarrasing pictures of John Birt as an eight year old.

Tony Blair is no longer able to play the electric guitar as he has an artificial finger on his left hand.If it hadn't been for an accident with a large cheese grater, he may not have entered politics at all.

Abraham Lincoln could not pronounce the word 'Wednesday'. He refused to say why.

Margaret Thatcher has suffered from an irrational phobia of liquorice allsorts since an accident as a child.

Pogo sticks were invented by the Assyrians, who would force captured prisoners to race on them by tying them to their feet and releasing a hungry lion behind them..

According to an ancient Mayan prophecy, Spike Milligan is immortal.

An obscure custom from the south western part of Transylvania states that it is unlucky to meet a man with asparagus in his shoes.

All the prophecies of Nostradamus relating to years after 1900 have been shown to consist entirely of the plots of films on general release in France. In particular, the prophecy that is generally taken as having predicted the rise of Hitler was actually relating to the 1968 Mel Brooks film 'The Producers'.

Due to a clerical error by an overworked government official in Little Rock, Arkansas, Bill Clinton's first name was officially 'Wilma'. Fortunately, this was spotted before he started his political career.

Creasote was used as an aphrodisiac in ancient Mesopotamia

Studies by French scientists have revealed that three types of whelk are resistant to thermonuclear blasts

In 1975, Frank Drebondal, a postal worker in April Falls, Wisconsin, battered three people into unconciousness with a frozen lemur

There are a total of seven laws in England, none of which have ever been repealed, which make the selling, purchasing or eating of chewing gum illegal.

To the Drabondi tribe of Borneo, the word 'Internet' refers to a sexual practice that leads to complete ostracisation by the rest of the tribe.

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