Welcome to the

People's Republic of South Yorkshire

After years of tyrannical oppression from the south-east of England, we, the people of South Yorkshire (well, one of them anyway) have declared our independance as a separate republic. We demand the following:

• Private Business will be banned. As, thanks to current government policy, there are no private businesses in South Yorkshire, this will not cause any upheaval.
• An education programme will be launched to make the rest of the world aware that the population of Sheffield does not consist entirely of out of work steelworkers taking their clothes off. This will be particularly aimed at members of the Westminster Parliament, who still appear to think it is amusing to crowbar the phrase 'The Full Monty' into every reference to Sheffield. The suggestion that we were planning on renaming Sheffield 'Montygrad' was spread by subversives, who will be re-educated when discovered.
• Anyone who says 'Eee by gum' and then laughs as if they are being funny will be re-educated with a pick axe.

• Reopen all the pits, whether there is actually any coal down them or not
• Meadowhall Retail Park will be renamed the People's collective produce distribution centre, and Marks and Spencers will be renamed Marx and Engels.
• The Supertram will be expanded to reach all the other impoverished areas of Sheffield, particularly those that are currently being demolished, while still avoiding any areas where the middle-class or, even worse, students live. This will therefore give even greater scope for those without the money to travel to go to places where other people without the money to leave live.
• The current policies of Sheffield United, which appears to be to make all efforts to stay in the much more worker-friendly division one rather than attempt to get promotion into the decadent Bourgeois Premier League is to be applauded. It also appears that Sheffield Wednesday have seen the wisdom of this, and are attempting to join United as soon as possible.
• We will launch an indepth study into the possibility of storing water in the reservoirs of the region, an idea which appears to have been continually ignored while they were under the control of Yorkshire Water.
• Flat Caps and whippets are purely optional, and rumours that there will be checkpoints to ensure ownership of these items is false.

We also performed a series of secret tests to determine the most effective position to place roadblocks, to ensure that invaders cannot enter the city. These tests have revealed that one roadblock, placed in any position whatsoever, will ensure that the average journey into Sheffield by road will take at least an hour.

As all previous Communist revolutions failed because the revolutionaries took power rather than the workers. We therefore call on the workers of South Yorkshire to unite. If you have any information on the location of anyone in South Yorkshire who actually still has a job, please let us know, as we've only found one so far and they need someone else to unite with.

Anyone opposing the new regime will be sent to the gulags of Barnsley. You have been warned.

The glorious organisation has been threatened by the crypto-fascists of southern counties. In particular, we have been made aware of one agent from Bedford, who has threatened to have Comrade Fay tortured in the desolate wastes of Milton Keynes. Be assured that the people will not be threatened by such things as concrete cows and ineffectual knighted backbenchers (although the difference between the two can sometimes be hard to spot). Pretty lights, water fountains and cathedrals to consumerism cannot hide the overwhelming repression of our county. The people will rise up (eventually)!

This page has been designed by a commitee under the command of Comrade MW Fay. Long live the glorious revolution!

Any comments can be forwarded to the politburo here. Last updated on 05 January 1999