FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

Who is Reverend Colonel Ignatius Churchward Von Berlitz?

The Reverend Colonel is the world's premier Atlantologist, Elephantophile and Doctor of Alternative Reality. For some time I, Dominic Green, had the honour to be his psychic channel on the Egyptology and Archaeology groups of Usenet. Sadly, the Reverend is no longer with us, but his work - like Elvis, Jesus, Jason, and Great Cthulhu (PBOH) - will never die.

What is Interzone?

Interzone, besides being a concept of the celebrated drug-gobbling buggeranto William Burroughs, is also Britain's premier science fiction magazine. It has won more awards than sticks can be shaken at, and launched the careers of many established SF writers.

What is Northampton?

Northampton is a large paved area somewhere west of the M1 in Britain, which, for the benefit of Americans, is a small island off the coast of what your president is pleased to call Yurp. Much of Britain is unpaved, but our glorious eco-friendly government are doing their best to change this.

Why is Northampton?

A far more difficult question. Northampton's chief claim to fame is, uh, Barclaycard, where I work and for which glorious enterprise I would cheerfully die. Northampton had a castle in the early Renaissance, but it was bad, so the King of England took its castle off it. It has a university, in the same way the UK has a space programme. I am told that, in the eighteenth century, Northampton was one of Britain's most beautiful towns, principally because it had been entirely rebuilt after a mysterious fire razed it to the ground, incinerating all poor and physically unprepossessing people within its walls. There is really no answer to this apart from (a) parallel evolution has sprouted a whole new crop of uglies, and (b) it's time to get out the matches again.

I can't see my Favourites any more. What should I do?

I suspect you entered 'Science Fiction', 'Performing Dwarves' or 'Clangers of Death' into your search engine instead of 'Microsoft Internet Explorer Help'. Turn the machine off, turn it on again, turn it off, turn it on again, turn it off, turn it on again, turn it off, turn it on again, and try again.

What are Clangers?

Clangers live on a small blue planet. They are herbivorous, living solely on blue string soup produced by subterranean vulcanism. They communicate by nuclear magnetic resonance. They also use the Stars and Stripes as a tablecloth. I think they may be part of the Axis of Evil.

In The Rule of Terror, you publically announced your support for the Second Gulf War. Do you feel bad about this?

I think getting shot of Saddam Hussein was a cracking idea, and I still support firing him into space in his own supergun. However: It's difficult to see how the Gulf War, therefore, had anything to do with anything but lining Halliburton's pockets. I will not be voting Labour at the next election (mind you, that would assume I ever have voted Labour).

I feel I am not attractive to women, men or trees. Can you help me?

Smear moist wombat dung all over your body. I mean, if you're unattractive to everyone, what harm can it do?

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