I was born in Birmingham, though happily the trauma has erased this from my memory, leaving only dim, fleeting flashbacks of shambling, half-human harridans looming over my crib crooning 'E's a lovely babby. Ur Tracay ad a babby un it doide."

My parents then moved to one of Britain's only nice places, the town of Bakewell. Bakewell is only nice because the government make it so (i.e., prevent people from building parts of Sheffield and Manchester all over it). It is also a town without pity, but hey, Matlock is a town without pants.

As a child, I thought all the world was like Bakewell. Then we moved to Northampton, where I was disillusioned. Northampton has a tourist office, possibly the most hopeful municipal office anywhere in the world outside Chernobyl.

I am a product of both the British public school system and Oxbridge, but am surprisingly unhomosexual. I am even married to a nice lady. I have pictures of her if you don't believe me. And they don't even have staples across the navel.

I work in IT. Remember those adverts in the newspapers that said 'These are Hard Times Unless You Are In Software?' They lied to you.

I write things. I have tried to stop, but am unable to. Some people have to go to the toilet regularly; I have to excrete offensive manuscript at a constant rate. I do go to the toilet as well, obviously, just like you do. Okay, sometimes I don't get there quite in time. I wear cycle clips, don't I?

I also teach Gong Fu (Kung Fu to you). You'd think I'd be good at it by now.

Home