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CHARMED: A PARODY BY RICHARD MORGAN |
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"God I only wanted to find out about the Latest Wicca convention, and all I get are a load of porn pics of people called Ivy" Phoebe Halliwell sighed as she shut the lid on the lap top and slid it back under Prue’s bed. Being the only member of the Halliwell clan who didn’t work, Phoebe instead found herself surfing the net, watching Jerry Springer reruns and eating lots of food. I mean she had sponged off her sisters since she was little, so why stop now? As she got up from Prue’s desk, she noticed a sparkly necklace in the wardrobe, it was Prue’s necklace, the one she wore all the time. She’d won it in some competition in a book – though Phoebe didn’t know what the book was called, the only book she ever read was the Book of Shadows, and that was just so she could look partly intelligent and remember the oh-so-hard spells. As she began to pull it out, she heard the bedroom door swing open and none other than Prue was standing there eyes glaring. "What the hell do you think you are doing in MY wardrobe" she yelled, glaring at Phoebe. "Hey I was just looking, there's no need to get so uptight" "Well never mind that, we have to go someplace, or did you forget again?" "No we have to go take Kit to the vet right." "Well d’uh! God am I the only intelligent person in this house?!?" "Well you sure aren’t the pretty one," muttered Phoebe as they walked out of the bedroom. Running down the stairs the two sisters made their way to the front door. "Oh wait, I have to get my new shoes," shouted Phoebe, as she slipped on her new boots with the 6 inch high heel. They were just so easy to run in! "Come on then," shouted Prue, and Phoebe began to make her way to the door. "Gees, there’s no need to…." began Phoebe, but as she walked over to Prue she hit the side of the local phone directly with her hand, conjuring up images of her other sister Piper being attacked by a Warlock. "Prue I just had a premonition, it’s Piper she’s in trouble." "Oh my God, quickly to Quake!" and the two girls ran as fast as they could to Prue's car, speeding into the distance.
Piper Halliwell stood with her back to the wall sighing to herself. Whenever she was at Quake at 9–10 on a Friday something always seemed to happen, be it the local police showing up or another rude customer, there was only so much a girl could take. Piper’s job at Quake was Manager, but she seamed to end up doing everything, as most of her staff would only ever appear once every 22 weeks. Of course whenever her sisters came in she always had time to sit down and give them as much free food as they wanted, but then they were the Charmed Ones. And anyway, she wouldn’t be here forever either, in a few months time she would be going to Hawaii where she could sit on a Balcony all the time and phone her sisters whenever possible, after all she was a Charmed One. "Oh well back to work then," Piper murmured to herself and made her way out of the the Kitchen and back into the Restaurant. "Piper!" Spinning round Piper looked behind her to see a man approaching her, "Oh my god Geoff, what are you doing here?" she asked as her new next door neighbour approached her. "Guess." He said eyes glaring and a knife in hand. "Are you our new Potato Peeler?" she asked inquisitively "Guess Again!!" "Oh my god, you’re a Warlock!! I should have known when I saw that graveyard at the front of your house and the hearse!!" "Yes, but then Prue is the only intelligent one out of you." He sniggered. "Yeah, but she sure isn’t the pretty one," Piper murmured under her breath. "There’s no escape for you now," he grinned and ran towards Piper his knife swinging. "Oh no, what can I…" "Piper freeze him!!" yelled Prue as she and Phoebe came bursting in. "Right" whispered Piper, as she raised her hand freezing Geoff to the spot. "Quickly we have to do something before he attacks us" yelled Prue. "Oh wait I know this spell, hang on let me think," replied Phoebe trying to focus her thoughts. "Well hurry, who knows how long Piper's spell will last." "Probably until we’ve figured out a plan, that’s how long it does usually," replied Piper as she made her way over to her two sisters. "The power of three will make us cute, oh that’s not it, the power of three will set our jelly, its no good, Prue I just can’t remember!" "Well never mind, we’ll have to go back to the house quickly!!" yelled Prue and with that the three sisters ran out of Quake and speeded off to Prue’s car. As the girls sped away Piper's spell wore off and Geoff was back to his old demonic self. "Ha ha, I’ll get you yet," he yelled to no one, as he made his way outside to a waiting taxi to catch the three sisters at their house. "Hey Leo!!" shouted Phoebe as they ran through the door. "Hi Girls, I’m just going to fix the light in the basement, are you all right?" "Yeah we’re fine, we’ll just be upstairs with our Book of… uh never mind." Phoebe blurted back before the Halliwells ran upstairs. As they entered the attic they ran to the Book of Shadows, and frantically began to turn the pages. "The power of TV will... no that’s not it, I am so thick that… no that’s not it either, quick Piper help me turn the pages!!!" said Phoebe as the girls read what was on page 2. Just then there was a massive thump, as the front door burst open and Geoff burst into the attic. "It’s no use with your book, I’m going to kill you!!" "Oh no you don’t!" yelled Prue, and with that she used her powers, sending a box of Piper's old outfits flying into the demon. "Argh, their hideous!!" yelled Geoff as he began to remove them from his body. "Wait we have the spell," shouted Piper, and with that the three stood in a circle, looking down at the book. "The power of three will set us free," Prue spoke, feeling a surge of energy come out of her. "The power of three will set us free," Piper repeated "The power of three will… wait what was it again?" asked Phoebe, confused as what she was supposed to be saying. "Ha ha looks like I win," yelled Geoff and he dashed towards the sisters again. "Oh sod this," muttered Piper, and with that she flung up her arms freezing Geoff again. Then she made her way over to him, took out his knife and slashed his wrists, neck, heart and the crotch area for good measure. As she stood back by her sisters, the spell wore off and Geoff erupted into a fountain of blood, before collapsing to the floor, dead to all around him. "Wow Piper I can’t believe you did that," replied a shocked Phoebe, adjusting her Lycra top that had begun to show off even more cleavage than she liked to display. "But Piper we don’t do things that way," shouted Prue as she gave Piper a glare. But before Piper could make some comment about her awful haircut, Leo came running into the attic. "Is everything OK up here?" he asked. "Oh fine Leo, we were just testing out this blow up dummy when Piper managed to tip red paint everywhere," smiled Prue. "Why don’t I take you to the shower as I think the doors on it could use fixing." "Um sure, bye ladies" "Bye" replied Phoebe and Piper together. But before they could go Prue turned round. "You're so lucky I came up with that cover story, am I the only intelligent person around here or what?" she whispered to her sisters. Standing there smirking to each other, Prue and Piper waited for her to exit the room and then said to each other "Well she sure isn’t the prettiest!" before throwing an old rag over the corpse and making their way down to the kitchen to sit down and relax after their gruelling night's work. |
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