Europe '94

The Beavis and Butthead Tour

The Team

Gareth Ambler

Paul Newbury

Mike Shaw

Pete Cropper

Mark Rigby

Olly Ayers

Tony Gudgin

Lee Rogers

Their 3-week mission: to drive round Europe digging small holes and shitting in them

Contents

Day 1	Sat	9 July	Depart Brighton		3
Day 2	Sun	10 July	France - Arrive Chateauroux	Rabioux Wave	4
Day 3	Mon	11 July		Guisane	5
				Claree
Day 4	Tue	12 July		Onde	7
				Gyr
				Gyronde
Day 5	Wed	13 July		Rabioux	11
				Abries - Chateau Q.
				Chateau Queyras
Day 6	Thu	14 July		Chateau Queryras	13
				Guardian Angel
				Maison Du Roy
Day 7	Fri	15 July		Ubaye (St. Paul)	15
Day 8	Sat	16 July		Fresquiere	18
				Racecourse
				Ubaye Gorge
Day 9	Sun	17 July	Italy	Grand Evyia	21
Day 10	Mon	18 July		Dora di Rhemes	24
Day 11	Tue	19 July	Switzerland	Braile Gorge	26
Day 12	Wed	20 July		Giarsun	27
Day 13	Thu	21 July	Austria	Tösens
				Imst - Haiming	29
Day 14	Fri	22 July	Switzerland	Ardez Gorge	31
				Scuol - Hydro
Day 15	Sat	23 July	Austria - Landeck Lake		33
Day 16	Sun	24 July		Pitzbach	34
				Melach Bach
Day 17	Mon	25 July		Ötz	35
				Sanna
				Fliess - Landeck
Day 18	Tue	26 July		Fliess - Landeck	38
Day 19	Wed	27 July	Germany	Loisach	39
Day 20	Thu	28 July		Augsburg	41
Day 21	Fri	29 July		Augsburg	43
Day 22	Sat	30 July	Journey Home		44

Day 1

Saturday 9th July

Depart Brighton

Gareth

Left 109 with minimal hassle, only 'slight' worry being the lack of spare tyre for the bus. Figured that Brighton Uni SU wouldn't be too impressed if we left the other bus on bricks after nicking a wheel. We've got our little red triangle though, so we can sit at the side of the road for as long as we want after a blow out.. Our speedo doesn’t seem to work so another 3.5 thousand miles go by unnoticed.

Made good time to Dover and met Olly with his bargain price ferry tickets. Quick game of Frisbee and we're off.

Paul

Had a nice trip into Brighton, more totty than you could shake a stick at and I got served by an Asian newsagent who didn't say "japati" at the end of each sentence. Now touring through France, everyone seems to be having a lovely time so I expect a fight any time now.

Olly

I met most of the crew at Dover and after a uneventful crossing we peeled rubber on French tarmac; Europe was go! The bus is slow but the stereo is good - poor turnout of tottie on the roads, but it doesn't matter to me 'cos I'm not a tart.

First play on the Rabioux left me feeling out of touch, but after dinner I felt I had been here for months! Too many flies.

Lee

Well what do I think of my first day of a Europe tour? It's a bloody long time to sit in a very hot minibus with lots of other smelly canoeists! Can we fly next year and bill it to the Union?

Ferry journey was fun and short. French petrol stations make a packet, with large ques [Thought I'd leave Lee's spelling mistake in there to remind everyone that he is actually a uni student - Ed] but don't jump to the front of an empty lane, and especially don't drive the wrong way up a one way street to get to the back of the que [!] Ramble or what!

ACE OF BASE REALLY SUCK

ACE OF BASE KICK ASS

Day 2

Sunday 10th July

Arrive at Chateauroux

The Rabioux Wave

Anon

The two birds in the MR2 are pretty... UGLY!!

Paul

Looks like it's going to be as hot as the Devil's dick.

Paul

Met the mad Jesus-loving toll man on the motorway who gave us a grilling on the Royal family and Jesus before he let us go.

Paul again

Got to the Rabioux camp site at about 5:50 p.m. almost exactly as Gareth predicted. We are truly honoured to be in his company. Had a nice paddle on the wave even if it is a bit fast at the moment. Bri and company arrived about 7:30 p.m.

Lee

Rabioux - very fast, very scary!

Pete

Well after having the second comfiest chair to sleep in all the way through France, I had a lovely long play on the Rabioux, I was suitably knackered. It's promising to be a lovely few weeks. Reckon tarting should be in order.

Garf

Long day today. Had to persuade Mikey NOT to buy an Ace of Base tape! Got to the Rabioux eventually without puncturing. Good fun on the wave despite none of us having any energy. Did a few nice loops though which were totally missed by the camera... ho hum!

jesus loves you

Day 3

Monday 11th July

Guisane

Claree

Paul

Mikey got up and paddled the Rabioux, NOT! Went shopping with Bri's lot in Briançon with little faffing, then all got on the Upper Guisane for quite a smart paddle in a little more water than usual. Had lunch then paddled the Lower without Tony. Pete had a nasty pin on the Claree, but luckily I amazed him out of it by getting a minuscule break-out above him.

Lee

The Upper Guisane was a bit of a giggle, with us on Babe Patrol. The Lower Guisane was a torrent of large rocks , stoppers and other nasty dangerous things. Excellent fun though. Didn't go over so can't be too bad. I'm told much worse to come. Oh fun, fun, fun!! I whoosed the Claree because... um ...because... um, I'm a whoose [These Uni Students just can't spell - Ed]. Instead I did the videoing.

Garf

Good day today. Paddled 3 rather nice sections which were led rather well. Lee videoed the Claree today which would have been really good had I shot it properly. However, I managed to salvage the situation and everyone thought I meant to make the break-out below the drop! Anyway it's about 10 o' clock now and everyone's drinking paint stripper. Tony's quite drunk and I think there will be a fight soon...!

Mikey

Was not particularly looking forward to paddling the Upper Guisane after last year's boring rock scrape. This time it was actually a fairly enjoyable bit of bouncy grade III thanks to 3 or 4 inches more water. Lower G. was uneventful as well.

The same goes for the Claree - goes OK with a decent water level. Overall a reasonable day's warm-up and a good start to the trip.

Olly

I woke up nice and comfy and mosquito-free in Dave's bivvy (Dave wasn't in it though!) After shopping we hit the Guisane - good harmless fun - although the lower section could do with a break-out and a pub half-way down.

The Claree was short and sweet, I was going to stop and help Pete, but I didn't know how to! Nice babe at the get-out - with sexy French accent when speaking English.

Curry without curry powder = BLAND!

Pete

It's been a good day, a few acceptable bits of totty spotted. A good paddle on the Guisane and a bit of a nasty pin on the Claree, as a result paddling like a slice of carrot. Other than that I'm sure Olly would agree that my lines were spot on! (NOT) Roll on tomorrow.

Tooooony

I'm pissed as c**t and I want a fight. Paddling the Upper Guisane was as much fun as a bullet through the head.

Garf

Well it's 11 o'clock and Tony is out of his skull!

Leno Pedrotti

The spectral resolution of an infinitley long sinusoidal wave is extremely simple; It is one term of the Fourier series, the term corresponding to the actual frequency of the wave. In this case all other coefficients vanish. Sinusoidal waves without a beginning or an end are, however, mathematical idealizations. In practice, the wave is turned on and off at infinite times.

DAY 4

Tuesday 12th July

Onde

Gyr

Gyronde

Tooooony

Grade 5 hangover.

Pete

It's another hot sunny day and it's only 9:45 am. Off to paddle the Onde and Gyr and an indecision as to where to go this evening. Oh well, in the hands of fate!

Tony

It's damn hot. At the moment Paul's dodgy temperature gauge is reading 32.4°C in the shade. Below is a small hint on how to find the get-out for the Onde.

onde village map

Garf

Damn good day's paddling and we still haven't finished. Off to the Rabioux to show other universities how to paddle - unfortunately they want a crate of beer from us to put towards a prize. Probably have to give it a miss.[Garf's talking about the proposed after-dark Rabioux rodeo 'organized' by some of the British uni's. I don't think there was an actual competition in the end, but it was dead cool and surreal watching the posers doing their stuff on a flood-lit Rabioux Rapid. - Ed]

Good start on the Onde despite paddling a rotobat (never again!) Only Paul and Guy shot the first drop the right way up AND the right way round. After a fairly pleasant descent interrupted by Olly swimming, we tackled the Gyr...

This was up on last year and was a pure adrenaline rush. It scared one wimp in a Topo! Paddled the Gyronde to finish the valley off. Remember you portage the Gyronde on river LEFT! There is a weir afterwards which you should really portage also, unless you’re from Reading.

Mikey

Gyr: Our descent of this steep, continuous, twisty, fast, big, bouncy section of river has just re-affirmed its place at the top of the Premiereship table. Nothing has come near it in terms of sheer constant exhilaration - especially when you're fooled by the fast-flowing Grade II get-in, eh Paul. Pukka stuff! Yes!

Pete

An excellent days paddling. Onde was excellent despite trying to eat my paddles on the main fall. [You'll ruin your teeth if you keep trying that - Anon] The Gyr went like a very fast train, and was amazing fun. These rivers were much better as a result of not having to faff or inspect.

Missed the Gyronde and the babe at the portage was worth missing it for. "Gorgeous" does not do her justice. Good piss-up in the evening back at the Rabioux and a successful tart with a bird from Reading. Garf can remember her name. She had a very nice arse!

Paul

Gyr: Huh huh huh, heh heh heh.

At the Rabioux campsite, Mikey pulled a fat bird.

Mikey - P.E.L.E. (Post Expedition Log Entry)

At Marco’s party Paul pulled an insecure and neurotic bird who looks like Rik Mayall.

Olly

Good fun today, despite one swim on the Onde. The Gyronde would have been better if we hadn't portaged most of it. We watched Reading Uni doing one of their 999 specials - 3 people simultaneously went into a weir with one swim. We asked them later and apparently they didn't know it was there! I am glad I don't paddle with Reading.

Lee

Paddled the Onde and Gyronde, both quite a giggle. I was considering paddling the Gyr, but in the end decided not to. Very wise decision!! The guys came down very hyper and must have been traveling at 20 mph. An entertaining evening at the Rabioux.

Pete

Fixed the dodgy tail light on the bus tonight with the help of Bri. I'll explain;

circuit diagram

No, actually just wired the dodgy tail light to the fog light, cut a few boring wires and took the fog bulbs out. Now all you do is drive with the fog light on as well.

Then Roland rose to his feet, meaning to destroy his sword Durindal, for he feared that it might fall into the hands of the enemy. He struck it heavily against a rock, but it would not break. Three times did the knight smite the rock with his sword, but not a scratch dimmed the shining blade. Then wearily Roland lay down again, with his face to the foe. Under him he put his horn and his sword. He clasped his hands in prayer, and even as he prayed, his soul fled

mark doing a clever trick

vampire woman (reduced)

Day 5

Wednesday 13th July

The Rabioux Wave

Upper Guil

Chateau Queryas

Tony

Mikey and me have met three Irish men who plan to shoot Chateau Queyras blind. They don't want to look at it despite never having done it before. They're mad! I suppose they are Irish, so it goes without saying.

Mark

Excellent relaxing day after the total psycho Gyr. Top section of the Guil a mild giggle. First 4k not worth doing but the gorge bit was OK. I bottled doing the gorge at Shato Qraz (Bwi's spelling) but it looks a giggle for tomorrow. Pete is yet again team tart and fanny-magnet as we have been on the campsite for 5 mins and three French girls (age 12ish) have asked him to see a "free show"

Garf

After a mildly tedious upper section, Pete, Paul and myself decided to shoot the Chateau Queyras section blind. Guy was then persuaded and we shot it! We would have been buggered if there had been any blockages but never mind eh.... It was well up on last year and was an amazing rush. Inspection is for wusses!

Lee

The Rabioux was a good laugh this morning, with me needing 5 roll attempts to come up. The top section of the Guil was good, despite some of the other comments, even if it was a scrape in places. Olly kept up the team tart record by snogging a French bird.

Olly

After a play on the wave this morning we drove to Chateau Q, and tried a new section of river from Abries to Chateau Q get in. It was a bit of a scraper at times - a long flat weir took several pounds of most boats. Lee's MagicBat took several kilos of the weir! In the campsite we were invited to a "spectacle" (a show) by some French tottie. Although we did not understand much, it was amusing and it lead on to a drink in the bar, and also some other stuff!

PS. I'm not a tart.

Pete

The above is untrue, It takes one to know one!

Well woke up womanless (she left me) and with a monster hangover, so I barely ate brekky and went and surfed the wave for about two hours continuously.

We drove to the Upper Guil which I wasn't going to paddle but got on and led the section which was a giggle at III+ and then we did Chateau Queyras (me leading) blind. Talk about adrenaline high!

Well watched a French drama performance then went down the bar with "actors." Olly pulled the most gorgeous 13-year-old I've ever seen while I got blown out by some older woman! (She said it was 'cos of her two boyfriends though.)

dial 999...

Day 6

Thursday 14 July

Chateau Queyras

Guardian Angel

Maison du Roy

Olly

I got up this morning and went to watch everyone paddle the Chateau Q gorge - then for some inexplicable reason, just as Mikey was unloading the boats, I decided to paddle. Was I glad that I did? Yes, it was bloody great - I don't think I paddled down so much as slap-supported and sculled my way along. It gets very narrow at some points. I now know why Invaders are called long boats.

Having got Q all right, I was rushing big time so decided to paddle Guardian Angel as well. This was hard work. Just above one fall I thought "Shit! - what am I doing here?" Portaged one drop but other than that I loved it!

Now dossing at the Lac de Serre-Ponçon - it's raining [now it's hailstones as big as rabbit-turds - Anon] and Paul is cooking something bland and tasteless for dinner - OH GOODY.

PS. No Dutch girls

PPS. How many nationalities does a man have to get off with to become a ‘Eurotart.’

Mikey

The Guil is easy-peasy... if you’re on form.

Skid

Sittin' by the window

Breathin' on the glass - time will tell, time will pass

'cos when you’re young, sometimes

Little things seem larger than life

Garf

Chateau Queyras was fun with the first ever swim on a Brighton Alps trip on this section. After losing his paddles, we discovered that Mikey can't handroll a Corsica. Guardian Angel was good and was shot in about an hour due to some swift leading by myself. I would have been a lot slower had I not missed the last break-out on a couple of occasions and shot the drops blind and backwards.! Everyone else was safe though.

Guil falls were good also with Mikey leading the way in fine style. After he and his boat were fished out, the rest of us [‘the rest’?? - you sure?] shot it reasonably successfully - Paul was having a quick surf at the bottom which he enjoyed immensely.

Only other notable events on Maison du Roy was the destruction of Colin's boat and the loss of the Corsica's NEW drain-plug. It lasted a good week - almost!

Mark

Another excellent day. Chateau Queyras was not nearly as bad as it was hyped up to be and certainly not worth spending the night shitting myself about paddling it. Guardian Angel was harder but also over-hyped, but excellent giggle with minimum faff due to some excellent leading by Garf (and proving two falls went backwards.)

Guil falls was an excellent rush with Mikey "they will go anywhere" leading. Doss-site by a lake, good thunder storm, tents have been pitched in close to bog-like conditions. It will be a miracle if everything isn't soaked in the morning.

Lee

Chateau Q. was excellent but not as difficult as the hype implied. I chickened out on Guardian Angel, I mean, I had to do the shopping!! I got on to paddle the lower section which was entertaining. When we got to the doss-site everyone piled out and jumped into the lake 'cause we were so hot. An hour later we are sitting in the bus with hail stones as large as Paul's nob landing on the windows. By the way, I don't snore at all!

Pete

Well today was a very enjoyable paddle - a good paddle on C.Q. without too many epics and a speedy run through Guardian Angel with reduced E.B.A. made it good fun. Managed Guil Falls without epic, and also the Graveyard [?] both of which caused problems the year before. One of the better sections of the river!

Dossed at Lac de Serre-Ponçon which was in a monster thunder-storm. Me and Paul cooked a slap-it-together meal which was filling. We put up tents but after half a night I couldn't put up with Lee's snoring, so I disappeared 30m away outside out of earshot and to peace.

Day 7

Friday 15th July

Upper Ubaye

Tooooony

Met German Danny (Frazer's mate) this morning at the doss-site overlooking barrage de Serre-Ponçon. He is going to join us on the Ubaye. Cool!

Garf

We have now just paddled the upper section of the Ubaye and everything is no longer cool. Some bastards smashed one of the tranny's windows and we will probably have to spend the rest of the day reporting it to the Gendarmes and replacing it. Bollocks!

Lee

We've been to the police station (well two actually) and we think Mark and Olly have been arrested!

Mark

Bastards Student Union have put the wrong registration on the Green Card and I had forgotten to sign my passport so I thought we were f****d sitting in the police station, but due to some excellent French bullshit from Olly, we bluffed our way through. Now waiting for new form to be typed out as one of the carbon paper forms was missing. I'm going to kill John Rycroft.

Olly

The Upper Ubaye was particularly exciting NOT, but at least no one died on the 'Wall of Death!' At the get-out we discovered our transit had been abused. After visiting various police stations we got our report for insurance purposes - but only after some quick-thinking Euro-Bullshit from myself. The upshot of it all was a wasted afternoon with no paddle. Still no tottie at the lac doss-site.

wall of death

Paul

'Wall of Death.' Ha, more like wall of slight inconvenience. I was at least expecting whirling blades. Crap paddle, crap day altogether.

Pete

Today was not the best. The Upper Ubaye was pretty boring; we didn't pull the night before; I broke my shades; someone smashed the bus window and unfortunately no-one [in particular?!] got arrested at the Gendarmerie.

Olly impressed me again with more French bullshitting - He can now pull and explain why a Green Card doesn't match our vehicle! Oh well, Lac de Serre... again and Ubaye tomorrow.

Mikey

The Upper Ubaye at low level (?) was short, undemanding had a tedious portage round a T.B.S.*, and overall not worth really getting on for, especially when you find your vehicle has been broken into at the get-out. And then you find out that they stole your magic bum-bag. The magic bum-bag (built using TARDIS technology) containing, among many other things, your wallet and the only ignition key for the motorbike which you bought 3 weeks ago. And that you don’t realize that magic bum-bag was actually missing until two days later, 200 miles away in a different country. And your pissed-off because you've been paddling like a spacker for the last few days.

* ‘Total Blockage Strainer’ or ‘Text-Book Strainer’ - a death-trap blockage with straining qualities of very strong chicken-wire strung across a narrow gap through which the whole river passes.

rice pudding tin paddle boy

Day 8

Saturday 16th July

Pete's Dad's Birthday

Fresquiere

Racecourse

Ubaye Gorge

Tooooony

I couldn't understand why the racecourse was so scary. Now I can. Mikey was kind and picked the easiest lines for me, and with my lucky piece of string in my boat, I was fortunate enough to escape without swimming.

Lee

Paddled the rest of the Ubaye today after the faff of yesterday. The Fresquiere section was very scary and very rocky. Thanks to our German mate Danny for pulling me off a rock. The Racecourse was easy by comparison but still a laugh.

Mark

We are now sat in a road lay-by, cooking dinner after an interesting day. Fresquiere section was a good giggle although very rocky - a good warm up for the gorge. Racecourse was piss-boring with too much playing on crap waves.

The gorge, however, was different. It was a complete ass-kicking shit hard piece of water and that's portaging the first drop. Garf swam on an overhang, losing his paddles. Paul played Pooh sticks with his throw-line to see which arrived at the bottom first. Neither were seen again, so we can assume a draw. The Ubaye Gorge is one shit scary 4km of water!

Garf

After leading the Fresquiere and Racecourse sections, I thought I was reaching some sort of form. However on the second drop of the Ubaye Gorge, I got stuffed. Paddled straight into a stopper which I surfed for a while, then somehow escaping, I went straight into an undercut. In retrospect, I should have stayed in my boat a tad longer but there you go. Now some French bastard fisherman has my paddles (BLEAT) and no Gendarme will give me a form to say I've reported them lost! Need a new set anyway...

Olly

Our meat and two veg (burgers, spuds and beans) are rapidly becoming a stew. I am fed up trying to get a report for the loss of Garf's blades. I don't think the Gendarmes speak French 'cos I don't understand a bloody word they say! Racecourse was pleasant.

Paul

Things can only get better. Got up early with everyone quite motivated for our last day's paddle in France and with Safend C.C. or is that Dartford? Fresquiere was a smart IV+ with Lee doing really well. Had lunch and got on the Racecourse by 12:30, a world record time!

The Ubaye Gorge is where things started to go all pear-shaped! Portaged the first drop, shot the second, but then had a slight epic on the following 100 yards of grade V. I don't think anyone shot it perfectly least of all myself, getting my first-ever Topo pin! Garf had a swim and then we both stood in the eddy and watched in amazement as his paddles floated off followed closely by my throw-line which I had also dropped in amazement. A hard paddle for the rest of the gorge with most people's bottles dented or broken!

Hope things get better in Italy, even if it does smell.

Garf

One thing to note about the Ubaye Gorge - I did the world's first ever roll with a set of Ottersport split paddles (without drip-guards!)

John Wyndham

'The sky's simply full of shooting stars,' she said. 'All bright green. They make peoples faces look frightfully ghastly. Everybody's out watching them, and sometimes it's almost as bright as day - only all the wrong colour. Every now and then there's a big one so bright that it hurts to look at. It's a marvelous sight. They say there's never been anything like it before. It is such a pity you can't see it, isn't it?'

Pete

Well, we got up early! How I'm not sure and paddled the Fresquiere Section. I was not at my best due to my boat taking on water - it doesn't help handling. I still enjoyed it. Racecourse was a good section , bigger than I remembered but still not a great river. Seconded Mikey with Tony and managed to roll twice while Tony only had a few support strokes. He's definitely better than he says!

The gorge was SCARY - we faffed at the beginning with loads of E.B.A. which added to fear (later learned it was due to Paul's pin and Garf's swim.) It was the most demanding section I've ever paddled but not the best. My boat leaked loads and was a bastard to paddle. After completely stripping my boat I learned my deck had a hole and was probably responsible for the leakage - should be OK now. Off to Italy/France now!

Mikey

Fresquiere - River of Moving Bowels

Ubaye was low - the 400m section from the get-in bridge of the Fresquiere section has changed in its whitewater characteristics due to low volume of water and also a very large section of the right-hand bank which has been washed away. No half-river-wide stoppers or big wavy drops on the bottom corner this time. In fact, that bottom corner now has two channels (will go either one?) Boulder Garden was its usual non-trivial self. Mikey (why can't I paddle properly anymore??) and Lee (and anyone else?) cocked up their lines down this bit, but with no serious consequences.

Racecourse - River of Epics Past

Straightforward paddle for everyone. Tony did this section really well and, despite having ginger hair, followed his lead's lines meticulously.

Mikey (continued)

Ubaye Gorge - River of Wimp-Outs Past

And maybe we should have wimped it this year as well because it was DAMNED SCARY. Scariest thing I've ever done in a canoe (or out of a canoe, for that matter.) Seeing the group in front of us climb out 300m up near-vertical gorge sides rather than shoot the rest of the gorge wasn't exactly confidence-inspiring, especially when they had decided to make their exit after only two rapids.

This was one of those occasions when, despite just having entered the gorge, you keep hoping that you have just shot the last major rapid of the section and, even though you know you must have several Km to go, you hope you don't see or hear anything coming round the next corner. I was physically exhausted at the end of this and majorly vegged-out in the incredibly warm waters of the Lac...ahhh!

lost schlegels

Day 9

Sunday 17th July

Italy

Grand Evyia

Paul

Camped at the lake at Col du Mont Cenis at about midnight - the French do love their motor-homes. Got up late and are now using the last of our francs in Val D'Isère before moving into Italy.

Garf

Who needs an alarm clock when you can have a herd of cows wearing cow-bells?

Olly

While people paddled the Grand Evyia, I tried to fix my broken back-strap. It should have been easy - just unbolt the loop, push it through the ring and bolt it back up BUT NO! It would not come undone nor would the seat bolts. So Bodge Time (professionally known as Field Engineering) - a spare tie-down strap running from the footrest to the backrest seems to have done the trick. Maybe I'll try it on the Dora Baltea!

PS. There must be a huge market for replacement backstraps /seats for Prijons & Pyranhas!

Garf

Swims are like buses really. You have none for bloody ages (none for two years excluding Augsburg) then two come along at once. The river [Grand Evyia] has significantly changed since last year due to major roadworks or something. I shouldn't have put Lee on it had I known what it was like now.

Anyway, my swim occurred when me and Pete saw a line on a dodgy rapid. Pete made a mess of it but escaped, and I made a mess of it and didn't. Luckily I was swiftly rescued (SARCASM!) after drinking only several litres of water. All this happened on the gorge section. Pete and Paul chase-boated my Invader leaving Mark to lead Lee down (maybe he should have waited - I don't know) which resulted in Lee swimming.

The rest of river was big, bouncy and scary and Lee had a second swim shortly after and quit the river. Overall it was a good river but where has the scenery gone?

Pete

Grand Evyia was very different - more water than last year. We did a large IV+ section and I reckoned there was a line on the next drop. There was sort of. I splatted a rock in a tail squirt and escaped somehow. We (me and Paul) chased Garf's boat after his swim. Lee had a swim coming down with Mark.

The river has changed dramatically due to loads of concrete blocks possibly due to roadworks. Last year it was a fun paddle, break-out to break-out in one of the most picturesque valleys I'd been in. It's now been channelised [good word! - Ed] and industrialized and this has really spoilt the valley. If you paddled it before, then paddle it again and think about how much you contribute to this urbanization. It's sobering really.

Anyway, got stuffed in a hole but rolled out and completed the section, but I didn't really enjoy it. it's fast and bouncy but it's so different to before and that's what spoils a very good section!

Thomas Campbell

The waters wild went o'er his child

And he was left lamenting

Lee

What can I say about the Grand Evyia! I was sort of persuaded to get on. After portaging a drop, I watched Garf swim by following a big stuffing and screwed up the rescue. His boat swiftly floated off with Pete and Paul in close pursuit! Mark and I followed. I got stuffed in a stopper at the bottom of a not-too-difficult drop and then pinned upside-down. When I bailed I was 5 feet away from the stopper and been dragged back in.

Grabbing a large rock with one hand, my feet were dragged into the stopper and one of my wet-suit boots was sucked off. I managed to pull myself up a rock and escape the hole. Meanwhile Mark had rescued my boat.

We carried on and met up with the others. The next bit was hard but OK. Then I hit a stopper, went over, rolled, came up, missed lots of break-outs, hit a stopper, went over, didn't come up, swam. I hurt my knee, toe, several cuts, so I wimped and quit.

Mark

I think 3 essays on the Grand Evyia are enough. As I'm typing this [!!!!], I'll keep it short. My first time leading a river in the first group. 1st drop went OK, portaged the 2nd which I thought didn't go. Garf swam, leaving me and Lee at the top of the gorge. I decided to lead Lee down. Lee swam, scared me a lot as couldn't see for about 2 mins (due to large rock between me and Lee.) Carried on down, should have inspected the weir but it went on the right (line left.) Rest of river big and bouncy. Lots of holes! Lee learnt why you can't miss break-outs. OK section but too many epics.

Paul

Epics and excitement in equal measures. I really enjoyed today.

panda cartoon take 1

mafia you wanna da pizza

mozzy you wanna da pizza

Day 10

Monday 18th July

Dora Di Rhemes

Paul

Camped at a campsite in Aosta. Had a look at the Dora then off up the Valle Di Rhemes to paddle the Dora Di Rhemes. Get on at Rhemes de Notre Dame. Paddle down to the hydro where the road re-crosses the river onto river-left. About 4km, 1km of Grade III followed by a Grade IV+ bend under an old wooden footbridge, then slackens off until the hydro. This is the get-out. Me, Mark and Gareth, however, portaged the hydro and carried on for another 1km of gradually increasing Grade IV. Inspected 100km of Grade V followed by a Grade VI fall, decided to get off whilst we could. I don't know what follows this but it is DEFINITELY NOT Grade III-IV as shown on Frazer's map.

Lee

After my trashing yesterday, I want a nice easy river to get my confidence up. This is what I thought I was getting on the Dora di Rhemes. It turned out to be a big bouncy grade III with a IV+ corner. I did a spack roll and was very, very scared!! Good fun afterwards though.

Mark

Dora di Rhemes is an excellent section of water, continuous, exciting but not too hard, Quit the gorge, after finding G VI falls. Grade VI flies at the get-out.

Pete

Watched soccer last night. Italy lost so we kept the 'Brazil' shouts to a minimum. Crap nights sleep due to being too hot.

Didn't paddle today - tired and couldn't be bothered, seemed a reasonable decision. Fell asleep while directing Olly to the Swiss border which was fun as we blindly swerved two lanes of M-way and made a junction - TWICE.

Oh well, dinner and Switzerland tomorrow.

Olly

Very hot and sweaty this afternoon, drove to Swiss border (Italian style) and dossed in a mozzy infested clearing near a Mafia stronghold.

Garf

Pretty exciting section. My deck shredded on a rock - another bit of kit bites the dust...

panda cartoon take 2

Day 11

Tuesday 19th July

Switzerland

Braile Gorge

Olly

The Mafia are moving in on us! First thing this morning, a plain clothes man in a Seat Ibiza (not a black limo) started to survey us. Now a selection of earth-moving machinery is on the scene - what kind of horrendous death are they planning for us? I have been eaten to death by mosquitoes so I'm dead now, OK?

Garf

Paddled Braile gorge today which had some water in it, unlike last year. Quite a pleasant little section with some nice scenery. That’s all really.

Mark

Braile gorge - an excellent piece of water, exciting but not scary and very pretty. one of the best sections we have paddled.

Pete

We're in Switzerland now! Yippee! No more Italians, no more concrete. It is so good to be in a friendly country again. We paddled Braile Gorge today which is very scenic and an excellent section. I was dead tired due to another bad night's sleep in Italy. Also Garf managed to pay £25 for 2kg of meat so it's a slap together meal again!

Day 12

Wednesday 20th July

Giarsun

Pete

Went to sleep in the dry, woke up later in a downpour - my shower-proof sleeping bag didn't class this as a shower so let in some water. I retired to Garf and Mikey's tent porch and remained damp for the night.

Garf

Seven of us were to get on at Giarsun until we saw the rather brown water which was up several feet on last year. Lee and Olly were advised not to paddle which turned out to be a totally correct decision.

The section was very scary with huge waves, large holes and lots of boily water. All of us (I think) had made a mental decision not to shoot Ardez - this was until Mikey's boat decided to shoot it minus Mikey. He'd got caught in a stopper and sucked out his boat by the get out.

Mark started to chase-boat followed by the other three but we binned it due to it being too scary. A huge faff ensued when we tried to find the Corsica, since the gorge is pretty inaccessible. After a couple of hours we reported it lost to the police and buggered off to Austria.

Lee

Another epic day. I'm a bit pissed that I've been too much of a wimp to paddle the last two days. Last night, at the campsite in Switzerland was good fun. Large team beers went down well. We've just crossed into Austria and it's still raining,

PS. Hitching is excellent fun!!

Paul

A great day for the first three hours and then it went all pear-shaped. Perhaps we will do something easy tomorrow.

Olly

What a crap day - I carried my boat down a hill. Floated about in a break-out, got out, carried my boat up the hill and went to sleep.

Tooooony

I enjoyed driving today. Coming up the hill from the Giarsun get-out, I pretended to be in the RAC rally. Mikey, in his kind and generous way, purposely lost his boat to the Ardez boat eating monster, and the ensuing faff gave me the opportunity to practice my wheel spinning cornering two more times up the same bit of road. I was scared, along with everybody else. the driving also became pretty ragged on the way to Landeck. Almost managed to notch up a cyclist, a truck & free fall 200 ft into the valley Italian style. Oops!

Olly Burns

There was a young man called Cropper

Who got caught in a terrible stopper

It chucked him about

Until he got out

Fuck me it was a whopper!

Pete

What an epic day, Giarsun and Ardez was planned, but after a couple of km on Giarsun I decided Ardez was too scary at this level.

We made Giarsun without too many problems. Until Mikey swam at the get-out. Mark led the ensuing chase, I waited till I knew Mikey was out then followed. Mark almost had it at one point but it escaped so I was leading the chase. I stopped above a grade V+ section and we all decided to bin the chase for safety reasons. The boat has not been found after a good scramble around the lower Ardez. We've left it for dead and headed off to Landeck now.

Mikey

Brown Water

Giarsun at near flood-level was extremely scary. All the drops were replaced by very big waves. In fact, practically the whole section had a very fast central current which often contained Grade V waves, holes and stoppers. Fortunately we were able to skirt round most of the messy stuff which was good because we were at the bottom of a very deep and scary gorge.

Every now and then we had to traverse from one side of the river to the other, through the central current, so we could see round the next corner. It was interesting to watch Paul (ahead) vanishing and re-appearing as he went over waves and through holes.

Towards the end of a very exhilarating paddle, the river settled down and we sighted Ardez bridge. It meant we had reached the get-out, to everyone's relief. Just this last stopper to paddle round...

Michael Bond

'Fancy her knowing I like marmalade,' said Paddington.

'Mrs. Bird knows everything about everything,' said Judy. 'Now you'd better come upstairs with me and I'll show you your room. It used to be mine when I was small and it has lots of pictures of bears around the wall so I expect you'll feel at home.' She led the way up a long flight of stairs, chattering all the time. Paddington followed closely behind, keeping carefully to the side so he didn't have to step on the carpet.

Day 13

Thursday 21st July

Austria

Tösens

Garf Yeats

There was a young man called Garf

Who thought that for a larf

He'd lead Pete Cropper

Into a stopper

And gave him an early barf!

[Editorial License was utilized so that the original wording could be changed from 'bath' to 'barf']

Pete

Today I thought I was going to die. Paddled Tösens and got stuffed in stopper. It surfed me, looped me, cartwheeled me and I didn't know what was happening. All I knew was that my deck needed pulling and I needed air. I still wasn't floating while swimming and I was all but drowning when I grabbed Mark's boat. Cheers dude! Well anyway. I can breathe again.

Tooooony

I paddled again, Imst to Haiming, scared the shit out of me and I was under the pretence that it would be a scenic Grade II paddle. It was only a Grade III but an extra half a grade should be added just for me because I ended up padlling a quarter of section leading myself, after my lead (Mark) lost interest in his responsibilities to his group when confronted with numerous play waves. Despite this, no swims.

Three bridge jumps later and a successful bet with Pete, we headed back to the Landeck doss site. 300m from the site (just where the sign is, saying 'No Vehicles Allowed') we were confronted by the local constabulary, who scared us off. We are now dossing at a dodgy site, god knows where. Garf is my hero (hero rated III for unselfish assistance to an abandoned lemming.)

Anon - but probably a safe bet it was Paul who wrote this

Lee spanks his monkey. Just look at the size of his right hand.

Olly

Flat and crap - that's what I wrote about Tösens last year. How things change. The first 100m were honking & I hit the biggest stopper of my life. I was paddling along quite happily when suddenly everything went white. My Augsburg training paid off and I surfed the stopper for a while until it spat me out - then watched Pete swim by. the rest was easy. This 'arvo we floated from Imst to Haiming. The bridge jump was funny - especially Pete trying to win a bottle of beer!

Lee

Today’s paddling was good fun. The end of the first bit of Tösens was very scary, especially seeing Pete getting stuffed. We are now camped in a lay-by on the side of a mountain pass. I pissed Garf off by snoring vary loudly.

Pete

After my epic on Tösens we did Imst - Haiming which was a relief as it was merely big and bouncy. Seconded Garf with Lee and Olly. Did manage the bridge jump three times then bet Paul if I did it again from the middle I could swim and make the steps - I didn't make it., It was good fun and an excellent day after all.

v12 cosworth tranny

Day 14

Friday 22nd July

Switzerland again

Ardez

Scuol

Back into Austria

Landeck Bierkeller

Garf

Ardez : The least fun I've ever had on a river!

Tooooony

Mikey and I have just met MEATLOAF himself at the base for Swissraft near Scuol. He wouldn't give us a couple verses of 'I would do anything for love', not even 'Bat out of Hell!' Bah humbug!

PS. We may have caught him on video.

Paul

Finally a day conforms to my intricately laid plans! Got up from the lay-by doss-site into Landeck for food and money and out again by 9:40am. After a short faff in Samnaun and a visit to Scuol police (still no sign of Mikey's boat) it was on the Ardez by 1:30 p.m. nice paddle except for the portages, shot it in 1 hour 45 minutes giving enough time to shoot Scuol to Hydro before heading back to Landeck. Off to the Bier Keller tonight.

Anon

Little does Paul know that his intricately laid plans were not actually of his own doing. He is but a pawn in an infinitely larger and more complex game. A game of Life and the Universe, overseen by that Grand Master strategist, The Frazer Pearce. The seeds which eventually blossomed into Paul's intricate plans were subliminally implanted into Paul's mind by a mnemonic code word spoken many years ago by FP himself.

Pete

Ardez is really a waste of time - you can have as much fun elsewhere without having to walk 2km over rocks with a boat on your shoulder - got my confidence back : I surfed a stopper! Scuol - started from Ardez get-out - good 1km to Scuol get-in - should be done in future. Nice float/play to the Hydro - missed Meatloaf though! No Corsica despite scouring the river!

Mark

Ardez was an excellent paddle spoiled totally by three huge portages. No sign of Mikey's boat, but I'm glad we didn't paddle in flood chasing it.

Olly

I paddled Scuol while M & T met Mr. Loaf. It was quite fun - but I think my boat has grown! In the evening we went to the Bier Keller. The food was lovely but it made MacDonalds look slow! Afterwards, Pete, Mark and I went to the Red Line disco for some 1st class tarting. I got blown out by a lesbian!

Anon

The Reading curse has finally destroyed Mikey, Now that he has lost his Corsica he is no longer paddling!

Garf is Frog.

Garf

Paddled a new bit of river which was the section from the Ardez get-out to the Scuol get-in. Not a bad little river either. We then paddled down to the lake and broke out just before being sucked into the new hydro.

Pete

The Bier Keller was excellent - an 'Eine Fuhre Mist' and two steins saw me on the way to a good night. Went to the Red Line disco for a tart with Olly and Mark [I'm sure that was nice for them.] and despite not pulling - language barrier of course - there was nothing outstanding anyway. A really good night!

Lee

Scuol was an excellent section, a little testing without being too scary.

camping sur en

Day 15

Saturday 23rd July

Chill-out in Landeck

Paul

I've got a hangover.

Lee

I'm ill.

Tooooony

I'm grumpy.

Olly

What time is it?

Pete

I didn't pull.

Garf

Paul’s 8-sections-a-day plan collapsed here on day 15. After the night at the Bier Keller, there was a general feeling of apathy (except Paul of course) and everyone chilled out by a pond near the top of Landeck. Paul, however, thought we could still get the Fliess-Landeck section done at 4 o'clock. Unfortunately, the dam wasn't releasing, leaving Paul pissed off. Never mind, eh!

Dossed up the ski-lift station beyond Fliess. N.b. The concrete block has a mass of approximately 15 tonnes. So there!

helicopter doss police

Day 16

Sunday 24th July

Pitzbach

Melach Bach

Pete

Today I got on the Pitzbach and got off after 2km? A dodgy weir which shouldn't have been shot; left me pinned upside down and my deck shredded. I decided my boat would leak too much so I'd walk. I was actually quite annoyed 'cos I'd planned to do the gorge.

Melach was fun but involved too many rocks and not enough water. I kept getting the nose stuck under a rock and so had lots of silly pins - reckon it'd be better if it had more water. Mark showed us it's easy to hitch if you have long hair and show a bit of leg - NOT!

Garf

The Pitzbach was as good as the previous year and the Melach Bach was pretty good also - a little extra water might have improved it (or made it really scary!)

Mark

Pitzbach is an excellent river with the top section and the gorge - some of the best water I've paddled despite nearly getting pinned half way down the gorge and cocking up the line totally on the last drop.

Melach Bach was as annoying as it was exciting. Too many rocks, pins but with more water would be excellent if very scary!

Paul

Only just back to my '3-Sections-a-Day' plan [can be used as part of your whitewater controlled diet -Anon], by splitting the Pitzbach into 2 sections. Pitzbach was a good paddle if a bit scary at times - a Topo specialist river? Melach Bach would be as good as the guide says if it had more water in it.

Mikey

Pitzbach - Paul, Garf, Pete, Mark shot this at a reasonable level. Pete was forced to bin it before the gorge due to major leakage - not sure why Garf finished soon after. Only Paul and his team-mate and best friend Mark shot the gorge. Mark, you jammy get - you deserved to swim here.

Day 17

Monday 25th July

Ötz

Sanna

Fliess to Landeck

Olly

Today I paddled for what seemed like the first time in ages. The Sanna was fairly low, but I still loved it. The Graveyard looked pretty different and, after Garf had got to the end, I set off, leadless for the best bit of paddling so far (bar Chateau Q.) The Fliess-to-Landeck section was fun - some big waves. The stopper by the car park in Landeck was useless for surfing and loops. Paul agreed to pay £20 for us to drive up to a big dam and doss. It is now raining and the minibus is full of the smell of dried pork!

Mikey

Devil's Corner at very low levels is so crap that it should be known as Little Red Riding Hood's Corner.

litte red riding hood

Mark

Totally knackering days paddling - 3 long sections. Ötz - big, bouncy, scary with some big holes. Got stuffed in a stopper but miraculously surfed out of it - rolled on 1 ?? wave of Grade V section, bloody glad to get of this river. Sanna was too low and not very exciting and Fliess-to-Landeck was a good play section - excellent stopper at the end. Now camped at the top of very cold but beautiful mountain.

Paul

Well bloody sod you - I thought the Sanna was quite good.

Mikey

At the moment we are dossing somewhere in the Desolation of Smaug, probably near or on the Lonely Mountain. In a barren twilight landscape of mountains and glaciers, we've stopped for the night at an exposed rocky 'lay-by' where the road is at it's highest and starts to wind back down into the valley on the other side of the mountain. We're close to, if not just above the snow-line, it's getting dark and just starting to rain - this is just so cool! Especially when your sleeping-bag is best.

PS. I think we should go for more Altitude Dossing - I'm sure we can get a lot higher.

Garf

The Ötz was quite a scary paddle, especially when the four of us made a mess of the Grade V bit. Half expected to get arrested after we left the water, after a few 'Es ist verbotens' after we got on at an 'illegal' point.

The Sanna started off quite pleasantly but I didn't like it much after the Graveyard due to large numbers of concrete blocks and steel rods in the water. Note that the Graveyard is completely different now due to the town of Pias falling into the water.

Anon [but looks suspiciously like Garf-writing]

Tony is Töny.

Pete

Cool doss site last night - complete with ace bonfire/barbecue ; probably the best meal ever (on a trip anyway.) We even had our own on site stables courtesy of the wild horses up the road which came to pay us a visit. [For benefit of our Uni Student readers - The horses paid us a visit, not the road - Ed] To reach this doss-site take the turning left up the mountain for Ötzler-Au just 100 yards before the slalom site is on your right. There are multiple dossing opportunities up here.

Paddled the Sanna and Ötz today - bit of hassle from some old bloke who was trying to tell us not to get on 200m downstream of the slalom site. It may be useful to get on lower down from the roadbridge in future.

The weir is very dangerous. There are signs on the footbridge overhead 600m. Get out about 100m river right up-stream at the 'landing stage' - countdown distances are painted on the rocks (5..4..3..etc) on the right bank.

Sanna was fun but changed lots at the Graveyard, it may be necessary to inspect in high water levels.

Lee

The Sanna was a pretty good river. Despite the fact I'm still ill (pissed off or what!) I got of the river feeling very cold, so I jumped in the shower at the campsite [Was going to make some wisecrack about people (Uni Students) jumping whilst having a shower but it then again I could have made sarcy comments about the majority of entries in this log book. Must show a little more restraint - Ed] Needless to say I didn't paddle Fliess to Landeck. It is definitely not worth the toll fee to go up some road to the top a freezing cold mountain.

go ahead punk doss police

Day 18

Tuesday 26th July

Chair Lift Ride

Fliess to Landeck

Pete

Drove up past the Sanna and Trisanna last night up a mountain pass in search of Paul's river - the ILL for today. There is a toll (approx £2.50 pp on this road) which in my opinion is worth it for the view. There is an excellent no hassle doss-site on the right after the dam. We had another excellent meal (sweet and sour pork.) I thought the doss site was cool (or was it cold!)

Paul's river was empty so we took a chair lift up the valley to enjoy the view. The second river has now also proved empty - the Lech - so we're going up to a bloody high pass over to Imst and the Bierkeller II.

Paul

Went and looked at the Ill and that's what it was! However, looks like a good river when the hydro is running, if this ever happens. Also looked at the Lech, this is really out of the way and not worth looking at unless you want some more mountain passes.

Garf

Got on Fliess-Landeck section at about 5 o'clock to satisfy Paul's addiction. He was getting serious withdrawal symptoms up until this point. Turned out to be good fun.

Töny

Chair lifts (and river) scare the shit out of me. Lost solids were later replaced by another good meal at the Bierkeller.(Paul had sweaty palms after getting off the chairlift and Lee had a smile on his face !?)

Lee

Seeing Paul scared while I'm not is a good change. Shame it's only a chairlift and not a river! I'm still feeling ill (day 3 now I think) so I didn't paddle Fliess to Landeck again. Instead Tony and I got a free shower at the campsite, so we were the only clean people for the Bierkeller. It wasn't quite as good second time around.

Donald F. Glut

And as the Falcon roared off to seek the Bespin System, this other ship ignited it's own engines. Boba Fett, the most notorious and dreaded bounty hunter in the galaxy, turned his small, elephant's head-shaped craft, Slave 1, to begins it's pursuit. For Boba Fett had no intention of losing sight of the Millenium Falcon. Its pilot had too high a price on his head. And this was one reward that the fearsome bounty hunter was quite determined to collect.

Day 19

Wednesday 27th July

Germany

Loisach

Paul

Dossed near Reutte and then back to Griesen to paddle the Loisach. After crossing the German border, the railway line crosses the road at a level crossing. The get-in is just past in a lay-by on the right. The get-out is in a bus-stop just after Zugspitze road joins on the right and another river joins the Loisach from the right. alternatively their is a get-out in a gravel car park 1km upstream of this. Paddled at 90 on the gauge at the get-in. This was a very easy Grade III with lots of turns - should be a much better III/IV when paddled at over 100.

Töny

Crap day!

Olly

After a good night's doss, we drove to another of 'Paul's Rivers.' As expected the level was low, but we paddled anyway. It turned out to be quite pleasant - a very picturesque river. After discovering an oasis of tottie (Reutte) in the desert (Austria) and visiting the local pick-up joint (the Spar!) we drove to Augsburg. Oh yes - there was a slight faff at the get-out!

Lee

I paddled the river today even though I'm not feeling tops. I thought it was really good. It might have been easy for a Topo, but for everyone in a long boat it was very technical with loads of potential pins.

Pete

Really enjoyable paddle on the Loisach today - it felt very English - but with lots more turns and very clean water. A major faff ensued at the get-out - we waited approx. 1½ hours for a bus that was 200m away. Arrived at camping Augusta with ZERO faff - excellent directions from slalom site by Pete of course.

further adventures of rice pudding

Day 20

Thursday 28th July

Augsburg

Lee

We're at the course. I've been down once and had 5 or 6 'plays' in the stopper under the bridge, which was fun. I'm feeling better at last, just when most of the others are feeling ill. Could it be to do with the alcohol consumed last night?

Olly

Augsburg is a fast flowing artificial course with a nice bottom. Well, actually lots of nice bottoms!

Töny

I have had a successful descent of Augsburg this year without swimming. Cool! I've tried playing in a small stopper under the bridge but wasn't very good and swam out of it. Ooops! Somehow this course isn't quite as easy as I remember it being.

Pete

The totty was out in force for us today and so we paddled to compete?! despite throwing up earlier! Got on and really enjoyed the day. Found I could surf anything if I tried so showed off and was naturally the best on the water.

Finished off with a spectacular display by Jan Kellner (bloody good German rodeo Paddler) and his mates. What a day! Oh yeah, my dry cag seal has gone.

Garf

Don't know why I even bothered getting in a boat today. My body's alcohol:water ratio was about 87:1 and my balance was non-existent. On my first run (only run) I was back-looped into the washing machine. After putting up a slight struggle, I swam. Ho hum.. I tried bravely to re-obtain my balance but failed. So I gave up!

Paul

I also split my dry-cag neck but then found that I cut a much more dashing image in my red [pink, actually - Lee] thermal top. [And it wasn't a top. It was those long-johns with a bum-flap which cowboys used wear - Ed]

hello my name is lee

Day 21

Friday 29th July

Augsburg ...again!

Töny

Paul Newbury is a bully.

Garf

Found my ability today! Didn't fancy the washing-machine though - not in a boat anyway. Had a swim on the zoom-flume after the f****** deck popped, my f****** boat folded, both f****** shoulders got dislocated and my f****** head fell off! [I think Garf is being sarcastic about another member of the team - Ed] Managed to hand roll the Invader at last though and me, Mikey and Paul had a good laugh swimming the course.

Paul

Good morning made even better by the sight of Tony in a boat. He will thank me for it later - you just see if he doesn't.

Special Agent Dana Scully

File Number - X : 894 002949 B2

To date, no-one has reported having ever seen Töny thank Paul for making him paddle down Augsburg Slalom Course on 29th of July 1994. This case will remain open and unsolved pending further investigation.

Lee

Augsburg was excellent! The bottom stopper (the one under the bridge) was best, with me handsurfing it twice and not swimming. Garf tried to get me in the big one at the bottom (stopper that is) but unfortunately there was someone surfing it. Ah!

Olly

Loads of fun - played mainly on the bottom stopper. Tried 6 times to get in the one above. Tried a bit of hand surfing & swam! Now we are dossed in the Forbidden Forest. I found a bullet shell in The Watchtower... everyone is frightened...nobody knows who to trust...OUT.

Pete

Really enjoyed a good play. I'm not yet sure whether I've recovered from my food poisoning, but it seems to have made my paddling better. Not one swim today despite being in the Washing Machine lots and to coin Töny's phrase : being best! Surfed the Zoom Flume with a paddle twirl and hand surfed the bottom stopper. Also did 'Babe-Watch' with the video - ace!

Day 22

Saturday 30th July

The Journey Home

Töny

We are presently hacking through Belgium towards Calais and the ferry home and ultimately the end of three very pleasant weeks in Europe; sun, sport and scantily clad women. What more could you want?

- Good food

- A comfortable place to sleep.

- Showers.

- Decent toilets.

- Decent company.

- Lee to stop snoring.

- Paul to leave me alone.

To name but a few!

Garf

- Töny to stop whinging occasionally!

Ed

The log-book entries seem to have tailed off towards the last day of the trip, so I'll just fill in a few missing details with an essay or two...

At Camping Augusta you should get very pissed and start wandering round the campsite, in groups of two or three, the name of the game being to try and NOT be in the group that has Mark in it. If you are still drinking after midnight, chat up the visiting archeology students from Köln, but don't apologise for not speaking any German, and make sure you can only see them in the dark. If , after that, you still have a bottle in your hand, do some more wandering , this time round WHOLE campsite making sure you hassle any German campers, who still happen to be up at this time of night, by asking them to read a bit of paper written on by a Swiss policeman. Then go into the other field and break in to few clapped out caravans to see if there is anything worth salvaging.

Our pizza stop this year took us to the delightful little Belgian town of Gent. If there is an adjective in the English language called 'Gent', then it would describe this place quite well. After faffing trying to find a parking spot without getting clamped or fined, we faffed around a bit trying to find a cash machine. When we had found one, we faffed deciding which place to eat at. Opting for Domino's Pizza, we then had to endure an American Steve Wright look-alike for about half an hour while we waited for the pizzas. It was during our visit to Gent that Paul had a good shout at Mark. It seemed that there was some debate about whether students in further education should fund themselves or not.

The ferry-fiddle only half worked this year. We tried initially to board a crossing which was two bands higher than the one we were booked on, but we were turned away, despite trying to get the booth with horny woman in it. We eventually paid an additional fee to go up one price band, but only after having had the pleasure of meeting a Hooray Henry twat with a very nice woman and an even nicer car. Töny soon sorted him out though, by offering him some water (which was probably 60% backwash from the whole bus anyway.) The fact that we were now only one price band lower than the original booking seemed to do the trick and we were let though around 6 o'clock (??) We nearly left Paul and Töny (?) behind while they spent 6 hours going to the toilet.

Pete

We're at Calais at 16:20 p.m. - next sailing is 17:!5 and our ticket is for 01:00 Sunday. Details of our intrepid bribery to get on the ferry will follow...

Well we made it - Another excellent trip - cheers to everyone who organised anything and for excellent company and a really good time. Let's do it again...

And in that very moment, away behind some courtyard of the City, a cock crowed. Shrill and clear he crowed, recking nothing of wizardry or war, welcoming only the morning that in the sky far above the shadows of death was coming with dawn.

And as if in answer there came from far away another note. Horns, horns horns. In dark Mindolluin's sides they dimly echoed. Great horns of the North wildly blowing. Rohan had come at last.

Loss / Destruction Table

Mikey's canoeing ability	Day 4	Sucked out by Reading 'girl'
Garf's dry-cag	Day 5	Write-off
Corsica drainplug	Day 6	Lost on Maison Du Roy
Tranny widow Mikey’s bumbag	Day 7	Smashed and nicked
Garf's paddles	Day 8	Lost & nicked by fisherman
Pink Invader backstrap buckle	Day 8	Snapped (anodised titanium replacement needed)
Paul's throwline	Day 8	Thrown away by Paul
Lee's wetsuit boot	Day 9	Sucked off by stopper
Garf's deck	Day 10	Ripped through after pin
Paul's cherry	Day ?	Lost one night in minibus
Corsica & HF Throwline	Day 12	Lost in Ardez gorge
Pete's wetsuit boot	Day 13	Lost on Tösens
Pete's spraydeck	Day 16	Ripped to pieces on the Pitzbach
Olly's morality	Day ?	Some 14 yr old girl
Töny's tolerance towards persistent piss-taking	Day ?	Must be wearing thin
Pete's dry-cag	Day 20	Augsburg
Paul's dry-cag	Day 20	Augsburg

Things People Never Say

- The French are so trustworthy

- Italy is such a nice place

- Olly is so shy when it comes to women

- Italy is the highlight of our Alpine tour

- Lee, why don't you go and wander about for half an hour or so?

- Tony, please set fire to the hairs on my leg

- Mark, please tell me about that last river

- Mark is the most modest bloke I've ever met

- Lee is most coordinated bloke I've ever met

- Olly is the most virginal bloke I've ever met

- Mikey is just so keen to paddle everything

- I wish we could paddle a few extra sections today - even if it means getting up early, missing

lunch and getting off the river after dark

- Bierkeller food is shite

- Töny radiates happiness and cheer

- Paul's rivers are always guaranteed to have loads of water in them

- I'm glad Mark came on this trip

- I'm glad Mark didn't swim on that last section

- Please Paul, have another run down Augsburg

- We're so well insured on this trip

- Let's use the video

The 'Can't-take-any-more-of-Lee's-snoring' Chart

Day 7	Pete	Lac de Serre-Ponçon
Day 13	Garf	Lay-by above Landeck doss-site
Day 15	Mikey	Ski-lift station above Fliess
Day 19	Töny	Camping Augusta
Day 20	Paul	Camping Augusta

Chick Check-list

Chick	Seen By	Place	Grade
Two babes in MR2	All	Ferry & services	HH - Females HHH -Car
Babe at Claree get-out	All	Claree get-out	HHHH (plus one more H for accent)
Girl on bike	All	Claree get-in	HHHHH (if phased in by 1998)
Gorgeous babe	Bri, Pete, Tone	Gyronde portage	HHHHH (see video)
Chrissi	All	Rabioux campsite	HHHH
Kelly	All	Rabioux campsite	HHH in pitch darkness
Barbara	All	Chateau Q. campsite	HHHHH +
Rest of froggies	All	Chateau Q. campsite	H to HHH +
Monica (Danny's woman)	All	Upper Ubaye	HHH
15 year-old in Embrun phone box	All 3 times	Embrun	HHHH
All Italians	All	Italy	You must be bloody joking
Voluptuous blond in camping-sur-En	Adrian	Switzerland	HHHHHH
Women in car-park	Pete, Mikey, Olly, Mark	Landeck car-park	HHHH
Girls at Red Line	Pete, Olly, Mark	Landeck disco	H to HHHH
Mark	All	All the time	H (HHHH given by Pete)
Blonde with Austrian dancers	All except Mikey who was phoning the police	Landeck P.O. car-park	HHHH
Women in supermarket	Olly & others	Reutte Spar	HHH and HHHH
Dark haired Archeologist from Köln	Olly & Mikey	Camping Augusta	HHH which became a HH in the light
Lots of tottie	All	Ausburg	H to HHHHH
Slalom paddler	Pete & others	Augsburg	HHH + (extra H for sexy eyes)

Quotes

We're there dudes! - B & B

Check out the Chick on the bike - she seems to have a nice arse - Töny

This squash tastes like witch's piss - Töny

Read the bible and make your own decision about Jesus - Toll man

I've got some vaseline for my crabs - Mark

What does 'camping area' mean then - Uni student Lee [Was the Ed. a Poly student by any chance?]

Like the Murphy's... - Paul about Garf and Töny

Our work here is done - Garf after Reading C.C. were rescued

Error! x 20,000 - Töny

It's not a diesel - Töny

Well done, this is very nice - Paul referring to a meal and NOT being sarcastic

Is that a bloke or a bird? - Bloke from Nottingham referring to Mark

Lots of things that would be out of order if they were written down on this quotes page- Töny whilst somewhat inebriated at the Claree doss-site

Paul even waves sarcastically - Töny

I did a forward loop, then pirouetted through 720º into a tail loop and reverse ender, followed by a spot of 5-ball juggling whilst on a unicycle - Mark

That stopper will hold Topos - Garf & Guy discussing Guil Falls

It looks like Topo death - Garf & Guy discussing Guil Falls

Start it up and see if it's OK - Garf & Olly whilst Paul is cooking behind the bus

Do you want a fight? x 20,000 - Töny

You’ll never get constipated on a canoe trip -Paul before the Ubaye Gorge

There’s a distinct lack of helmets in Italy - Mark (in France)

Swims are like buses - you don’t have any for two years then two come at once - Garf

Red means go if it’s clear - Lee

Look at Lee’s crotch - Paul

THUD! - Paul putting his through the driver’s window when it’s not wound down

If he says ‘it’s just a walk in the park’ one more time, I’m going to twat him - Paul

Quotes continued

PARRRRRRPH! - Swiss bloke after using telephone

Wooo, whee and other 10-year-old ‘Cowboys and Indians’ noises x 10,000 - Mark

You look happy, Tone - Sarcy

Fuck off - Grumpy

Kyack - Mark

If I lie on my front I won’t snore - Lee

Mark’s quite fanciable behind - Pete

Vielen Dank Fleugzeug von vierondzwanzig

(Many thanks, aeroplane from twenty-four) - Paul

SHUT UP!! - Paul at Mark

Austria, Austria, Austria... - Paul trying to remember Mikey’s name

Une apple bitte? - Pete in Spar, demonstrating his ability to speak 3 languages in one sentence

But she didn’t know about the three blokes I was going out with - Pete

Check out the bloke in the hurricane - Pete

I’ve just written on my postcard that we’re going to Czechoslovakia - Lee

I’ve already gobbled Olly’s meat - Garf licking his lips and smiling

Show me how you do that - Jan Kellner to Paul in the Washing Machine

Any old bullshit x 10,000 - Mick

Any old iron - Bri

I’m an ape-man, I’m an ape ape-man - Ray Davies

Day	River	Pa	Mi	Ga	Pe	Ma	Ol	Le	Tö	Km	Grade
	FRANCE
2	Rabioux	4		4	4	4	4	4		0	III
3	Upper Guisane	4	4	4	4	4	4	4	4	8	III+
	Lower Guisane	4	4	4	4	4	4	4		5	IV
	Claree	4	4	4	4	4	4			2	III
4	Upper Onde	4	4	4	4	4	1	4		4	IV+
	Onde	4	4	4	4	4				0.5	III-IV
	Gyr	4	4	4	4	4				3	IV-V
	Gyronde	4	4	4		4	4	4		10	III-IV
5	Rabioux	4		4	4	4	4	4	4	0	III
	Abries - Chateau Q.	4		4	4	4	4	4		10	III+
	Chateau Queyras	4		4	4					2	V
6	Chateau Queyras	4	1	4	4	4	4	4		2	IV+
	Guardian Angel	4	4	4	4	4	4			3	IV+
	Maison du Roy	4	1	4	4	4		4		8	IV
7	Ubaye (St.Paul)	4	4	4	4	4	4	4		2	II+
8	La Fresquiere	4	4	4	4	4		4		2	IV+
	Racecourse		4	4	4	4	4	4	4	7	III
	Ubaye Gorge	4	1	1	4	4				4	V
	ITALY
9	Grand Evyia	4		1	4	4				6	IV+
10	Dora di Rhemes	4		4		4		4		4	III-IV
	SWITZERLAND
11	Braille Gorge	4		4	4	4				8	III-IV
12	Giarsun	4	1	4	4	4				5	IV-V
	AUSTRIA
13	Tösens	4		4	1	4	4	4		5	III-IV
	Imst - Haiming	4		4	4	4	4	4	4	12	III+
	SWITZERLAND
14	Ardez Gorge	4		4	4	4				5	IV-V
	Scuol - Hydro	4		4	4	4	4	4		5	III-IV
	AUSTRIA
16	Pitzbach	4		4	4	4				4	IV+
	Pitzbach Gorge	4				4				1	V
	Melach Bach	4		4	4	4				3	III/IV
17	Ötz	4		4	4	4				7	III-IV
	Sanna	4		4	4	4	4	4		7	III-IV
	Fliess - Landeck	4			4	4	4			7	III-IV
18	Fliess - Landeck	4		4	4	4				7	III-IV
	GERMANY
19	Loisach	4		4	4	4	4	4		6	III+
20	Augsburg	4		4	4	4	4	4	4	0.4	III
21	Augsburg	4		4	4	4	4	4	4	0.4	III
	Sections Paddled	35	15	34	33	35	20	20	6

165 km over 36 Sections - didn’t Paul do well!