Gaysia is fortunate in having top chef Davinder Devine (also known at Club Kali as Dirty Dave, dish of the day) writing for us. Dirty, or rather Davinder learned his cooking on the streets of Bombay where he was a food vendor by day and a rent boy by night. Cruising one night by the Gateway to India he met a top Bollywood actor who set him up in his own two star restaurant in Colabra servicing the tastes of western tourist both by day and night.

Dumped by his mentor after six months of rather expensive fun, and having developed a taste for all things western, he made an eventful journey across the subcontinent, the Middle East and Europe paying his way with his cooking and other skills. Arriving in Brick Lane having entered the United Kingdom after a journey across the channel attached to an inflated male sex doll, he found gainful employment in the kitchens and bedrooms of the East End.

Today he is a respected member of both the catering and the rent boy community with fingers in both pies so to speak. He is just as much at home in a palace or a penthouse, and his flamboyant personality has made him a popular figure in the the clubs and bars of the capital's twilight world of the homosexual.  All who meet him pay tribute to his his highly developed skills incorporating  versatility  and imagination rarely found outside India. 

Sooner or later every gay Asian boy is faced with the final ultimatum, marriage or else. Girls are hurled at you from every direction. Thin ones, fat ones tall ones, short ones and even a few real crackers.

Not that your mother would encourage you to go for a cracker, after all what is the first essential thing a mother looks for in a daughter in law. Certainly not big breasts, slim hips and a cute bottom. No first of all has to be her cooking skills. No cookie, no fuckie. If the offspring look like monsters, as long as they are well fed that's the most important thing. Put them through an accountancy course and who cares what they look like, they'll always find a nice girl.

She also has to had wide hips of course to ensure smooth passage of endless grandchildren and while dowries are officially a no no, bringing a few little golden knick knacks along with her is a plus point. 

For a time the Gay Asian lad can get away with reasons why this one isn't right, that one isn't right until he reaches maturity at about 23 by which time he is rapidly becoming a problem. "What is wrong with your son ?" they ask " Doesn't he like jiggy jiggy ?" assuming no wife equals no fun in the trains and tunnels department.

Of course the gay lad has been having it off since he was about fifteen, first probably with one of his schoolmasters who took a special interest in him for his remarkable talents. After that he was popular with the other boys who naturally all hated poofs but loved sex and, "hey shagging a queer doesn't make me one, does it ?" Leaving school he found job offers came easily especially when he was interviewed by men of a certain age. A quick flutter of his dark brown eyes and an easy job, good salary and unspoken of perks were his

Promotion came quickly and by 23 when the family delivered their ultimatum, the gay lad, if he has played his cards right, has money in the bank, a good job and a determination not to wear a beard.(By the way that is not meant to be offensive to those who do wear beards, it is an expression for the wives of gay men who marry. Must be a lot in Afgh..... sorry about that, got carried away)

So after tears, threats, bribes, endless text messages, the gay boy, now a man is on his own. He has his own pad, freedom but one thing is wrong. The poor lad spent so much of his youth screwing around or quite possibly getting screwed. Some Asian gay lads do enjoy that I'm told, he never learned to cook. Mummy always had it ready for him, mouth watering, spicy, aromatic food.

The gay man has doubts about how good a thing his freedom is. Perhaps he should have married a lesbian like Ramesh who lived at number 40 did at the age of 24. Sure he has to take her to all the company dinners and that limits his cruising but she's a great cook. He even had sex with her once but found her too dominant for his taste and that great double ended dildo hurt like mad for days afterwards despite a coating of mango chutney and rape seed oil.

Or he could have gone down the road Arif took. Got himself fixed up on a trip to Pakistan with a girl who couldn't speak a work of English and  hadn't got a clue about anything. He dumped her in a small house near his mother, got her pregnant first night and then carried on screwing around with guys as though nothing had changed. She was happy, never asked questions, his mother was happy and apart from the fact that his son turned out to be quite expensive and has a taste for dressing in girls clothes and, oh yes,  his wife has recently started English classes and a course in computer programming, he has no worries. And he eats well.

Still there are lots of takeaways and he wouldn't starve even if most of the food was angled to the British taste. He even tried crispy turkey nuggets once but was up all night with guts ache.

So our gay Asian man, proud and independent needs to learn to cook and I Davinder Devine am here to be his proud teacher. I'll take him in my hands and although I am a hard master after a short time our man will break through the only barrier to the complete fulfilment of his life. Read on and swallow the oral experiences I offer you, spicy, sweet, aromatic, juicy and exotic.  Enjoy !

One of the most basic parts about cooking for yourself is to learn to make a basic sauce or gravy. I don't believe in giving recipes which are so exact that you need a science degree to follow them. I am also assuming you are cooking for two and you can alter quantities if you are cooking for an orgy rather than a one to one session.

So for our basic sauce, chop up an onion into very small pieces. Put a small amount of oil in a saucepan, heat it up slowly. Into the oil place a chunk of cinnamon stick, a couple of cloves and one or two cardamom pods, broken open. When the oil is hot, add the onions and fry until golden brown.

Open a can of tinned tomatoes and if you have a blender, blend the contents into a smooth texture. If you don't have a blender, it doesn't matter. Empty about half the can into the saucepan containing the fried onions and stir. Add a teaspoon of garlic paste, a spoonful of ginger paste, half a teaspoon of chilli powder (more if you like things really hot), one half a spoon of jeera, half of dhanya, just a little turmeric and a little salt. Add a little water and keep stirring to stop sauce sticking on the bottom of the saucepan. I like to add a few chopped coriander leaves as well.

After five minutes or so you should have a delicious sauce.

You can now turn the sauce into lots of other dishes. You can add chicken, or lamb or prawns and simmer these slowly in the sauce until the meat is cooked. Some people liked to add a few potatoes chopped into cubes especially with chicken. You may need to add a little more water as the meat cooks, again some like a very soupy curry, others like it dry. When the meat is cooked transfer it to your best serving dish and garnish the top with chopped coriander leaves and serve with boiled rice and rotis, nans or other indian breads and raita.

You can make a very quick raita (dip) by putting a few spoonfuls of plain yogurt in a small dish and adding finely chopped cucumber and onion. For campness you can also grate a little carrot to give a rich orange colour. I always add a little ground pepper and sometimes a chopped mint leaf.

Now you have the sauce let's look at a few other things you can turn it into. keema is easy, just add minced lamb and green peas and simmer. Like a kashmiri chicken dish ? OK add the chicken pieces followed by a few lychees or chopped pineapple and a few chopped almonds. keep the chilli down in the sauce for this as it should be fairly mild.

You want a korrma dish. OK, follow the basic recipe but leave out the tomatoes. Instead just add water followed by the meat and some chopped almonds. When the meat is cooked add some cream or yoghurt according to taste, slowly to the slightly cooled dish, stirring it in gently. Don't be too rough or the cream will separate out.. This will make a lovely creamy sauce. Decorate with a few more almonds on top.

You can also make a fairly simple byriani buy cooking small pieces of boneless  chicken or other meat in the sauce, half cooking  some rice, frying a couple of chopped up onions and hard boiling a few eggs. Take an oven proof pot and make a thin layer of rice, cover it with a thin layer of sauce with meat. Half the hard boiled eggs and arrange in another layer. Cover with a little more rice. Add the rest of the sauce and meat and finish off with a layer of more rice. Sprinkle the fried onions on the top and is you have some yellow colouring, mix a little with water and splash on top of the rice.

You now need a lid over the oven dish but first place a sheet of foil over it then the lid. This will help seal in the moisture and stop it drying out too much. Put the whole thing in a medium oven for about three quarters of an hour. As most of the ingredients are cooked, timing isn't critical but the flavours will blend in to the rice.

An even quicker way to make byriani is to buy a packet of spice mix for about 60p from any Indian grocer, mix it with the meat and onions and water and then follow the assembly instructions above. be careful though packets contain enough spice to make six or seven portions so don't use it all if you are cooking for just two of you.

Your mother probably chopped all her own garlic and ginger but paste in jars can be almost as good but powder is not recommended.. Choose chilli powder with a good red colour and keep your spices in an airtight container. Coriander leaves are cheap except in Tesco and other big stores, and will keep fresh for a week in a sealed plastic bag in the fridge.

 So there you are a sauce you can use for lots of varied dishes. Now go away and practice and come back when you want to learn more. By the way I did know an English guy who liked me to cover my dick with  curry sauce and then lick it off. A little unusual way to serve it but if it turns you on, try it. One word of caution though, never use it as a lubricant, even in an emergency.

Davinder
 

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CHIPS WITH EVERYTHING !!!

OK, so you have trapped a cute white English boyfriend and after the first few days of sheer madness, you feel you need to offer more than your horny body to keep him around. Now I am not one to deny the attraction of horny young bodies, my dears I've had so many and once upon a time was one myself, but next to sex, food is the way to keep a man's interest.

Fortunately , today, many younger white guys were weaned on Chicken Tikka masala, so whatever you throw together in the chilli department will probably please them. I have heard that Heinz baby foods will soon be offering Korma and Dhansak chicken flavours in their range. 

But despite all this, most white guys still love chips just like their mum used to make. In fact visit any Indian restaurant north of Watford and curry and chips is still quite normal. I even managed to swallow a meal of curried meat pie and chips in a greasy spoon near Digbeth bus station in Birmingham after a dirty but delightful weekend with a hunk I met on the internet. It is true, however, that the coach driver on the way back to Wembley did have to stop at every single service station to allow me to adjust my digestion.

Chips are something very English, thick and chunky, and must not be confused with french fries or just fries as the fast food joints prefer to call them. Fries are cut thin to fry fast and not waste electricity. Real English chips have to be cooked with loving care.

So, Take a potato, peel it and cut it into fingers about 1/4 inch thick. Dry the cut potatoes on a towel. Heat the oil in a large pan preferably a special chip pan with a wire basket inside. Traditionally lard was used rather than oil but we don't want our new hunky catch dying of a heart attack do we, and of course if we are of certain religious persuasions, animal fats are not acceptable anyway. You need the oil very hot and the cut potatoes are lowered into it quickly and shaken around to ensure the outsides are sealed by the heat.

Immediately, the chips are lifted from the oil,  the heat  reduced and when the oil has cooled a little, lowered back in to simmer slowly allowing the centres of the chips to soften. Cooking too fast at too high a temperature produces hard chips which look OK but will send your man straight into the arms of a rival with a better technique. 

When the chips take on a golden colour lift again from the oil, turn up the heat and when the temperature has risen again, lower to chips back into the oil for a short time to give them a  crispy outside. Remove the chips from the oil, allow the oil to drain off and serve. 

If this does not stop your boyfriend wandering off in search of  young, dark eyed, cuties, nothing will. But in my experience, and I have rather a lot, feed then well and they will stick around and even if they do occasionally wander, the thought of the pleasures awaiting them in your kitchen as well as your bedroom will eventually bring them back begging for your golden offerings.

Or you could just go to the chippie

... 
Golden chips can ward off dark eyed cuties.!

I've always like kulfi. For my English friends, that's Indian ice cream. The best thing about it is the shape. It is so phallic. For my brown bothers, that's cock shaped or rather erect cock shape.

I am almost embarrassed to ask for it in a restaurant when my mother is there. With my granny, it's OK, she just orders two iced cocks ! Old folk are so laid back these days. My mother blames daytime television but I've never found erect cocks plastered all over my 32" wide screen and believe me I have looked. 

It's more likely I left my 'Hungarian Hunks' tape in the video by mistake and gran thought it was 'Look East'  She has been rather nice to me of late asking if I'm ever planning to visit Budapest. I suppose the nosy bitch down at Kumar's travel and kashmiri takeaway has been gossiping again. She's the one who dropped me in it when I booked a package tour to Amsterdam with accommodation at the Leather Dungeon Guest House. Told my mother a good Hindu shouldn't patronize such places, after all the cow is sacred. 

It's easy to make at home but a bit long winded. Basically you put a litre of milk (full cream of course !) in a saucepan, add some sugar, a couple of cinnamon sticks, a couple of cardomen seeds and some smashed up almonds. Simmer the liquid slowly to stop it sticking to the pan stirring with a wooden spoon. (Don't use the one you use to smack your b/f's bottom with, it isn't very hygienic).

The liquid will gradually reduce in volume. When it is down to about half a litre, allow it to cool and then pour into moulds. These can be bought at most of those shops full of stainless steel utensils found in Southall, Bradford or Leicester. Stick into a freezer and allow to, well, freeze. That's it really. You could add a few chopped up mangoes or bananas or anything you like really. 

I sometimes add chocolate if I'm making them for my latest boyfriend and then we have some fun in the bedroom with them. he sucks the kulfi first then me and the cold  sends me wild. It does stain the sheets though and my gran, who does all the washing, did ask me to be more careful when I practised anal. I've no idea what she is talking about but she does watch channel four rather a lot late at night.

Being sucked by someone with an ice cube in their mouth is rather nice and even better is being suck alternatively by two guys, one with an ice cube in his mouth and one drinking hot chocolate. Just thought I'd mention it. I know it's got nothing to do with cooking but I'm a dirty bitch at times.