AUNTIE AISHA, AGONY AUNT TO THE STARS Welcome to my new page where I help all you gay men with your personal, sexual and relationship problems. If you have no friends, no understanding family, no total stranger to discuss your little sadness with, I'm here, warm hearted, a survivor of life, a guru, some even say a saint. Try me.

Well mister, I would boast about it ! Perhaps you could send me a picture or even ring me one day
Auntie

Dear Auntie, Sorry I made a mistake in my E:Mail, I should have said 13 centimetres long. It's hardly a thing to boast about but I can still send you a picture or phone you.
H.S.

Forget it mister. On second thoughs, 13 centimeters is about the average size prick for a prick like you and aunties can't be chosers. Just don't mail me again and say it should be millimetres !
Auntie
 

Dear Auntie
I am 17 and spend hours in the bathroom wanking and fantasing about guys at school. Yesterday I forgot to clean the floor after I had come and my 70 year old grannie slipped and almost killed herself.
I feel very sorry about this but cannot stop my habit even to save the life of my grannie. What shall I do.
Maureen (not my real name)

Well Maureen, thoughtless young men depositing their seed on bathroom floors kills more grannies every year than eating dodgy take aways on Chowpatty Beach. As someone on the threshhold of granniehood. but fighting it, I would say it's time to deposit your seed somewhere else, preferably into a rubber sheath and inside some lucky man's body. If that doesn't appeal, try Hampstead Heath, not many grannies there and if there are, their leathers will protect them if they fall over.
Your caring, sharing Auntie.

Dear Kumar
Well first of all dear you are a poof, not from Pakistan of course but many people here don't even know wher Bradford is so you have to excuse their ignorance.
Secondly, you are a poof and I suspect that even in South India your motive for touching other men was not always pure. I have had my rather cute bottom touched on busses in Madras more often than I care to count and have made many unneccessary journies for the pleasure they involve.

White guys here are terribly afraid of being thought homosexual even though theys spend most of their time with other males, arms round each other, bawling their heads off, sometimes flashing their bums. In the UK this is hetereosexual behaviour but I suspect, and my experience bears this out, they are the raging poofs in many cases and are just afraid of being found out.

My advice if you want to touch these guys, wait until they are on their own, have had a few pints and their mates cannot see what they are doing. They might well suprise you.
Love Auntie

Dear Auntie

Am only 15 in Leicester and i can't seem 2 find a boy my age in da net i really want a sweet loving sexy boy but i looked every where in da dateing site what should i do where could i find a boy my age or over da net so i could share my love 2 him and have sex ........??? pls help 
Nick

Well Nick it is very hard to answer your letter. First I don't want to treat it as a wind up if it isn't. Finding sex can be easy for some, like me for example, or hard for others and it's not neccessarily to do with looks. A friend of mine was a young seventeen year old in Leicester25 years ago and found sex mainly in parks and toilets until he met two other Asian lads his own age and the three explored the clubs and pubs as far away as Manchester, Sheffield and even Coventry.They did that because of the homophobia of their families, the local newspaper and the local police.

I understand it is a little better now in the city as far as the gay scene goes but just explore it,
don't be too trusting, be satisfied with a little fumbling in a club at first rather than going off to a stranger's homeYou will develope a sixth sense with experience but always be aware there are people around who would harm you. Try to find a 'sister' you can go out with and talk to. I would volunteer if I was younger.

Last but not least learn about safe sex. There is plenty of information on the health page of Gaysia. Check out the page 'How to make love to a man' as well, it's suprising how many guys don't have any idea and I DO speak from the heart on that one.Oh, yes please wait until you are 16 before you go all the way as people said in the fifties. Don't want trouble with the law do you ?

Hello my dear Auntie

I am a British born Asian age 23 and ever since I can remember I have wanted nothing more than have sex with girls. However although I am very good looking with shiny black hair, perfect skin, a body which I am told is perfectly proportioned, deep brown eyes and full lips just waiting to be kissed, girls ignore me but men hover round me like moths around a flame.

What should I do.

Sanjay

Well Sanjay,
You are 23 consider yourself god's gift to women and yet you have  never been kissed. I think girls are afraid of the competition and when they see all the men round you waiting to get their wings burnt, well they sort of make assumptions. 

Are you spending too much time admiring yourself in the mirror ? Have you never actually considered men as a alternative to girls ? With so many waiting to light your candle, personally I would give it a shot.  Underneath I think this is what you really want to do and the bit about girls is all bullshit. When a straight guy goes on so much about fancying girls, well your old auntie's suspicions are instantly aroused. 

Anyway, come on at 23 it's time you got laid so just get on with it, pick a sexy guy, lay back and think of Southall. I usually think of the Punjab but then unlike you I am not British born.

Your Totally Envious Auntie

My Dearest Aunt

Please tell me where I can get a man who will let me .....him. I am 29, Sri Lankan living in London and very frustrated.

Kandiman

Dear Kandiman

Your language is a little crude and I guess you must be the only Sri Lankan man in the UK who has never done it to another man. A Sri Lankan friend of mine recently did one guy 17 times over a four day period and then complained of getting bored but certainly not frustrated. London has probably half a million gay male adults most of whom are up for it. There are pubs, clubs, saunas, internet sites, chat rooms, backrooms, open spaces, tube trains, buses, magazine ads and so on. 

The fact is you are not trying. get some sexy clothes, have a decent hair cut, splash on a decent after shave, and if you open your eyes, legs will open for you, I promise. If not check out my own ad in the personal ads.

Your loving Aunt

Dear Auntie

I am a seventeen year old Indian man and I still sleep with my mother who always told me she was widowed when I was born. Recently I realized that she was really a man. You may find the this hard to believe but I had never seen a naked woman apart from my mother and assumed that all women had 8" long sex organs. I also believed that inserting her organ into me every night was a way of her passing on nourishment.

Now I know the truth I really don't know what to do. I have got so used to sleeping with her and being nourished every night that I do not want to stop. I also suspect she is not my real mother. In a way this makes things easier as our relationship is not incestuous.

What I would really like is for her to become my father and wear men's clothing then everything would be OK. My friends have told me that two men sleeping together and nourishing each other is perfectly legal and normal.

What do you think ?

Confused of Neasdon

Dear Confused,

Oh dear, you poor child, what can I say. You must love your mother very much even though she isn't your mother and isn't even a woman. It all sounds like the plot of a very way out Bollywood film by a director high on crack. Of course your auntie Aisha while a woman in most senses of the word, also has a little gender problem of her own but has never wanted to nourish young men in fact quite the reverse. 

Haven't you any other aunties or sisters you can talk to or are they all in fact men in drag ? Just out of interest where exactly in Neasdon are you, it does sound quite an interesting place.

As to your problem, I'm afraid you are a passive, indian rice queen who likes being done by men in drag. Accept that and you will have a happy life.

Auntie A.

Dear auntie

I have a weird problem. I have severe stretch marks on my ass... I'm 18 and
a virgin. I'm really worried tht other guys will find them repulsive in
sexual situations. Should I be worried? Or am I making a big deal out of
nothing? Please help I have a pretty decent physique but the stretch marks
are stressing me out and I'm afraid of sexual encounters coz of em. Thx...

Osman

Hello Osman

Thanks for your letter. It must be very distressing and my only suggestion is that you invest in some fantastic underwear and keep it on while having  sex.

I cannot imagine how you got stretch marks at such a tender age unless you spend you life sitting down while eating endless greasy kebabs and endless trays of Halva.

One other suggestion is to ensure that you only take a top position or if you prefer being passive choose your position with care and avoid laying flat on your stomach. I personally find having my legs up on my partners shoulders avoids too critical an examination of my own slightly less than perfect rear.

No one is perfect, so concentrate on giving pleasure and keep the lights low

love from Auntie

Dear, Dear Auntte

I am an Indian man of very dark skin, my boyfriend is white, very white and one of the joys of our lovemaking is to see the contrast of our skin colours as we enjoy endless hours of sheer pleasure night after night. However I made a stupid comment about the whiteness of his skin and he has gone out and covered himself in fake tan. He now looks like a lump of carrot halva. 

My real problem however is how did he put the tan on his back ? Now I can't get out my mind another guy rubbing the tan into his skin and I look for tell tell signs of fake tan stains on the hands of our friends.
How can I get over this obsession
Dip
 

Hello Dip 
As someone who also enjoys white skin on my lovers which is really white and not artificially tanned, I would be more concerned about the tan itself, not how it got there. In my experience all boyfriends screw around, it's in the male genes and nothing to worry about. 

What kind of guy would waste time applying cream to the back of his bit of trade when he could be shagging him silly is the real question you should ask. I also hope he didn't use the cream as a lubricant as I understand it does sting for days.
Tell your boyfriend bluntly, you like his natural colour best and if he must screw around at least choose guys with taste. 
Auntie

Dear Auntie Aisha

Unlike one of your correspondents, I have a endowment which reaches such a size that men have been known to faint at the sight especially if they are too late to stop it's forced entry into them

Frankly, as a young man I tried not to show it to my partners until the last minute in case they chickened out. Eventually I met my partner who is sweet and caring and can take every single inch I give him. My happiness at meeting such a person is profound and we make passionate love at every opportunity. I call him my little Size Queen. He calls me  Bashir. He never did have much imagination.

Now my happiness is threatened. My little Size Queen gave himself in the backroom of the local licence room of the  Sunshine Paradise Hotel to a Sikh from the north with an even bigger endowment than mine. Now he casts aspersions on my manhood, comparing it's dimensions with the northern intruder.

Should I buy a vacuum pump and try to increase my size so that once more I can regain the affection of my beloved.

Big Bashir

Dear Bashir

Frankly dear, I doubt if even a vacuum cleaner would help although that lovely Mr. Dyson has some kind of turbo sucker I have heard good reports about. Lots of queens buy one and I'm sure they can't all be hoovering fans.

Have you seen this man's equipment personally ? Perhaps your little darling is telling porkies to wind you up. I often tell my beloved little white lies about other men's dicks just to get him going. In fact it worries me as he gets too worked up for a so called straight father of fifteen strapping boys. (All by other women I have to say, my operation gives me a way in but not a way out if you get my drift)

Perhaps you could arrange a threesome and take a peek, I'm sure your boyfriend would jump at the chance. I know most men love having two dicks to play with. If it is true that he is bigger, then there is little you can do but if you ever come to Bombay, contact me again.

Slightly jealous Auntie

The other date I went into my local public convenience and on the wall I was shocked to see my name written out in full and underneath the allegation that I sucked cocks.Now the statement is technically correct but is there some action I can take.
Amin

Dear Amin

Well cocksucker, if I may call you that, once upon a time I would have jokingly suggested that you added your phone number underneath but as these seem to keep changing perhaps an E:Mail address would be more approriate.

Dear Friend

The other evening I was watching Zee TV with my family when they broadcast a discussion about being gay and asian. To my horror one of the participants was a lovely young Sikh boy who also happens to be my best friend.
Now every time he comes to the house, my father keeps asking him when he is going to make an honest man of me. I’m not ready to settle down but feel under pressure from my parents to do so with this boy.What can I do.

Kamal Ponsenby-Smyth

Dear Kamal

You are very lucky to have modern parents.Order a double bed from Argos and get him moved in as fast as possible.However I must ask if your father went to Public School and if so I would watch him. Those places do induce rather perverted habits in their pupils and your boyfriend should always lock the bathroom door.

Dear Auntie Aisha

My new boyfriend asked me if I am a male virgin. I am but I’m not very sure if there is any physical way I can prove it. 

William Singh (18)

Dear William

Tell your boyfirend that the first time he enters your tunnel of love, if it’s a bit of a job getting in and you scream blue murder, you’re a virgin or a bloody good actor. Personally having been a virgin on many occasions, I think it’s over rated. a bit like olive oil.

Recently I had a sexual experience with a man and since that day, I have been increasingly addicted to this vice. I've become a twice a day man who cannot sleep unless he has tasted at least two men's bodies.
I am very worried about my addiction and wonder if I will run out of men ?

Ravi

Dear Ravi

I am not quite sure how you work out that you will run out of men. In the UK there are about 25 million men over 16 and of these at least 10% or 2,5 million are raging queens. Of the rest, well dear, straight in my vocabulary means straight down to it. Those who will, will, those who would like to will and those who might, would like to and will.

There are a few who won't but give them a few pints of lager and even they will. So there you are 25 million men waiting for you to taste their bodies although I have no idea what you mean by tasting. If you mean oral to completeion, I do recommend a good mouthwash.

On holiday in India my cousin, a very attractive local boy, took me to a very run down cinema. During the film I noticed that he had his head down in the lap of the man sitting next to him. A few minutes later, that man had his head down in his lap.
Looking around the cinema I noticed that the cinema audience was totally male and many appeared to have no heads.

I have never seen this kind of behaviour in my Warner Multiplex in the UK and wonder what it signifies. My cousin referred to the practice as giving head.

V.J.

Dear V.J.

Giving head is a term used for oral stimulation of the male genital organ. Frankly I doubt if you can understand what that means, but perhaps sucking dick would describe it better. 

I remember once visiting a similar picture house in a small Indian town with my rather sweet, young nephew. Different men kept coming and sitting beside him and every time his head went down into their laps and after a few minutes he sat up and the men moved away to be replaced by another. When we left he had several hundred rupee notes stuffed into his pocket and bought me some delicious Halvas. 

I have tried offering the service myself but was sadly rejected even by the local idiot who by repute had the biggest dick in the town, the constant manipulation of which was the cause of his idiocy according to the local priest who by all accounts was himself the main manipulator.

I don't know why I'm writing to you .......

Sunny
 

Dear Sunny,

Nor do I which is why I haven't bothered to publish the rest of your pathetic little whine about your boyfriend screwing around. Frankly in his position I would do exactly the same. You need to get a grip of yourself after all if your boyfriend won't shag you, you have no choice.

Excuse that I write but I like the dick into the body and ask good lady that you advise me on a cure. Is there a plant remedy I can use.

Village Boy

Dear Village boy

I have been told that carrots are a good subsitute and not at all painful but I have been told that parsnips, cucumbers and something of similar dimensions can be more satisfying. Use it when the hunger strikes but do not take it more than four times a day. Personally when my dear husband is away on his regular business trip to Bangkok, I find a banana last thing at night is very relaxing.

My son went to see the film Billy Elliot and now wants to be a ballet dancer. He is fifteen stones, built like a brick whatsit but very light on his feet. Does he have a chance of being a success or will the other boys poke fun at him.

Mrs Choudrey (Wembley)

Dear Mrs C

Billy Elliot proved that a boy can dance and not be a nancy boy, although 99% of all dancers are. I fear not that the boys will poke fun at your son, but they will encourage him to poke them. He may do better taking up rugby where at least he would compete on equal terms especially in the showers.

I'm fifteen stones and want to be a ballet dancer. Apart from my size, I have all the qualifications. I am camp as divali, love Judy Garland, old bollywood film songs, have tried on all my mother's dresses and I am very light on my feet.

My mother wrote to some old hag who gives advice and she put my mother off the idea, suggesting I take up rugby instead. What should I do ?

Billy Eli

Dear Billy

Your mother seems to have been given excellent advice and I suggest you would be much happier covered in mud, your face pressed up against another man's bum and sharing the joys of the jacuzzi not to mention sharing those joys with another 21 men, not counting the referee. Forget those nancy ballet boys with their lycra leotards get stuck in with the boys with the oval balls and sweaty jocks. Anyway, whoever heard of a fat, asian dancer (except ageing leading men in Bollywood films of course)

By the way learn to spell Auntie !!

I am a youngish Indian man born in this country and very westernized. I'm not gay but I do have one fantasy I cannot get out of my mind. In it I am a young widow whose husband has been struck down in a dreadful accident while driving his truck.

I am beside myself with grief and seek the solace of a neighbour who is tall, handsome and who I know has always secretly admired me. In my dream I am alone one night when a knock comes upon my door and when I answer it my neighbour is there. he doesn't say anything but enters and closes the door behind him. I am dressed in my sari but little else.

He smiles at me and I smile back and the he starts to climb the stairs beckoning for me to follow. I do so, knowing full well what is to follow.
He goes into the bedroom and I also enter closing the door behind me. He slowly undresses and stands before me clad only in a pair of Calvin Klein boxers, the ones with the panel on the front which permits the sexual organ to expand unrestrained. I do not know where to put my face but in the end I bury it against his warm boxers, feeling the hardness of his masculinity and the sweet wetness starting to ooze from it's tip..

He is very gentle with me, unwinding my sari and using his hands to touch every part of my naked body as it is exposed. I stand before him totally naked and unashamed, a widow but yearning to be taken as my husband took me every night for ten long years. 

My neighbour took me, he took me in every way possible and I, I behaved like a wanton slut enjoying every minute, every second until he roared out loud and planted his seed within me.

I too planted my seeds, a little wildly, all over the hairs of his body so they glistened like silver pearls. He left without speaking but I knew that he would return. In my heart I was ashamed of my abandoned behaviour but I counted the moments until he would once more release in me the primeval forces, trapped for ten days since my husband's sad demise.

Auntie Aisha, my dream was so vivid and although I am a man, I desperately want my dream to come true. What can I do. The man in my dreams does live next door to me and he does covet me with his eyes. I am not gay but would it make me so to give in to my desires.

Auntie Aisha replies

You lucky sod. I wish I had a randy buggar like that living next to me. Sod being gay or straight, just go on and fulfil your dream. Dress in a sari if you wish, some guys like that anyway ( see letter below). Write and tell me more though, and don't miss anything out. 

I have a small problem. I am Indian and my boyfriend is European. He likes to cover my dick with cream (Double) and then lick it off slowly He says that the white cream on my dark brown flesh reminds him of Christmas pudding with white sauce poured over it.
He would now like me to do the same with his dick but I hate cream. I do however fancy Patak's green chillie pickle. Could I use this instead ?
Dinesh

Dear Dinesh,

First be thankful your boyfriend does not like to cover his Christmass pudding with brandy and then set  fire to it. I have heard of it being done but personaly have never tried it. With regard to Pataks excellent green chillie pickle, it does seem rather a waste to me and I find it hard to believe that you want to suck a dick covered in green slime.

Hello Auntie

My problem is I'm a good looking Sri Lankan guy but broke. I am also very camp and I'm afraid it's pretty obvious that I'm a raving queen. Every time I go for an interview for a job, I'm turned down. Although they won't offer me a job, some of the men who interview me do slip me a paper with their home phone number on. 
How can I get a decent job ?

xxxxYYY

Dear xxxYYY

First of all do get a proper name. Secondly what planet do you live on ? I had a nephew once with a similar problem. he was the campest queen on the block. When guys gave him phone numbers he phoned them. Now he is the managing director of a major international Company with a lovely house in Wembley.
If you've got it honey, use it.

My problem is I have a very small endowment and when guys ask for my picture on the Internet, I'm ashamed to send it. How can I overcome my embarrasment.

Deepak

Dear Deepak

Lie about it. Find a picture of a guy with a decent size dick and send that instead. Once the guy meets you, he'll have forgotten the picture especially when you show him that size doesn't really matter. Of course if it does, then I'm sorry, you just have a small dick. Find a kinky guy who likes small dicks. There must be a few out there, somewhere, I suppose.

Dear Auntie

I recently went to India for the first time and in the crowded buses men were constantly touching me sometimes in inappropriate places. Shouldn't travel agents warn of this behaviour

Hari

Dear Hari

Warn about it ? It's the number one reason most guys visit India.  Go with the flow you miserable bastard. And stop using politically correct word like 'inapproprate'
They touched your dick, right, not your inappriate place ! Some guys would kill to have the same thing happen on buses here.

Dear Aisha

My boyfriend wants me to dress in a sari when we have sex and pretend to be a housewife weary after a day peeling onions, washing clothes and trying to find the cheapest tins of tomatoes in Southall. Should I give in to such perverted tastes 

Vinnie

Dear Vinnie

This is a very common fantasy for Asian Gay men I'm afraid, and many straight ones.  Their mothers are to blame. Why not give it a try. You may enjoy the experience. My husband is very turned on when I wear my dirtiest sari and complain about the price of jeera while he is filling me with his magnificent manhood. It's a guy thing. Totally perverted but lots and lots of fun. Don't get carried away and forget the condom though, better safe than sari.

Dear Auntie

I'm British, well English and well I like fancy having sex with an Indian man but I don't know how to pop the question if you see what I mean or even find one to pop it to, like. How do you suggest I find what I am looking for and what should I say to him.

Billy

Hello Silly Billy

Oh dear, where have you been. There are Indian men all over the place, hasn't one ever sat opposite you on the underground legs apart, dick bulging under tight Gap denims, dark brown sultry eyes teasing you. No ? Have you never walked down Ealing Road in Wembley, with men catching your eye every few minutes as they wander among the cheap banana sellers and tandoori take aways. No ? Never visited the cottage, I mean the public convenience at Norwood Green ? No ? Ever been asked if you play ? No ?

Ah well, I guess you are just an unattractive bastard and will just have to wank yourself off every night.