1. Male or female.
2. Front-Wiper or regular wiper.
3. Your age.
4. Any other information you think fit.
5. AND PLEASE BE HONEST......
6. When (if!) there's enough returns, we'll draw you a graph or two.

7. ---

Following the football hooligan situation at the Euro2000 competition, Mr Blair felt disposed to make a speech about how drunkenness and disorderly conduct and the like would not be tolerated by the government.

The very next day (or was it a couple of days later?) his 16 year-old son, Euan, was found in a heap on a London street, blind, steaming drunk. If that was not enough for the beleaguered PM, reports suggested that the youngster had given a false name and address to the police.

But, perhaps he wasn't so drunk after all. If you were that copper, what would you have done?

 
 
 
 

Voice from the House Political comment from 'Teddy' C Makepiece. There's some stirring stuff to report from the cut-and-thrust world of politics, this week. As well as our Minister for Prudence and Modesty getting well and truly pissed at a diplomatic bash in the Congo, and two leading lights being caught importuning outside the Parliamentary bogs adjacent to the House, the bastions of liberty and all that is good in the world - your trusty and likeable Members - have been having a mass-debate. No. Even despite (denied) reports that some of them are w*nkers, this was a good, old fashioned shouting match across the floor of the House. They were trying their very best to resolve important issues relating to the EEC and the thorny problem of where, how, why and when one may break wind in public places.  Now, farting in public places is not (yet) an hanging offence. But might it soon be? And whilst it's true that this subject is not usually discussed by the House, one Member who didn't want to be named told me, "I'm bloody damned sick of it. They're all a load of old farts." Who are, I wanted to know. "Well, Sir Christopher for a start. Did you know that he deliberately farts during debates? Oh yes. 'Causes a terrible stink, too. From all points of view, not just the procedural ones. The dirty bl**der eats curry like there's no tomorrow, he does, and then lets-off in the House. The point is, one one occasion, Opposition Members waived the Order Papers in the air to divert the stench to our side in an attempt to befuddle the Cabinets' brains. Scandalous, what?" My informant would not be drawn into a discussion as to how difficult or otherwise that might be, with or without Sir Christopher's rectal performance.     Well, if that little charade wasn't enough to stir the anti-farting lobby into action, how about this The use of microphones in the House is now an accepted part of political life. But, did you know that as well as them being fitted in the main theatre of debate, the word is that they're now fitted in the lavvies; ladies and gents? True? Well, I'm not certain about that nor can I really see any good reason why it should be true, but this is what I'm led to believe. Apparently, the authorities are trying to hide the fact of the microphones from Joe Public. Additionally, it seems the mic's are turned off. But on one occasion about three months ago they were unintentionally left 'live'. An opposition Spokesperson went 'asunder' whilst, upstairs, the debate on repealing the laws on organized sh*tting contests raged on. The Speaker was trying to restore some calm to the near hysteria that has broken out when there came over the PA system, the most terrible and grievous fart. The House fell hushed. Then there came another followed by a sound akin to a brick being dropped into a washing-up bowl of cold porridge from a height of fifteen yards. Much sniggering erupted. However, for fear of it being a terrorist attack, and particularly as there was a meeting going on deep in the building's basement (about cash-for-questions and how to avoid getting caught in the future). The PM acted with amazing speed, getting on his mobile there and then to phone the strong-arm boys and the place was swarming with coppers quicker than you can say 'corruption in high places'. The authorities ordered an immediate and total evacuation of the bowels. Well, that's it for this week. so, until next time....

PS.

Speaking of farts, the nutty crew who brought you this site will also be bringing you,

It's currently on the drawing board but we hope to bring it to you ASAP. Keep an eye out for this in the near future.