Dear Tony,

I have been considering the use of the above word for some time and have decided that a Change of Use Order should be applied. 

As per the normal procedure, I propose that the Change of Use should be completed in absolute secrecy and away from the public's gaze. 

To ease the passage of the Change of Use Order through the (un)official channels I will naturally require certain expenses to be paid to me. 

Attached are guidelines and example phrases to be used by the public in regards to, 'Firkin'.
 

Yours sincerely,

Jordan P Slopbucket

Jordan P Slopbucket.
 

Attachment.

"That is too large."

becomes

"That's too firkin big."
 
 

Example 2

"Your music is too loud. Please reduce the volume, otherwise I shall be forced to call our large and afficient police force. Goodness me...."

becomes

"Oi. That firkin music is too firkin loud. Turn the firkin thing down or else I'll call the firking cops. Firkin 'ell...."
 

Example 3

"He drinks too much."

becomes

"He's a firkin p*ss-
artist."
 

A large amount of disbelief

becomes

"Firkin 'ell!"
 

Example 5
 

"He's of very low interlect."

becomes

"What a firkin stupid bogger."
 

Example 6

"A quart won't fit into a pint pot."

becomes

"Too firkin right...." (!!!)