You can unscrew a lightbulb.

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Why do women have periods?

Because they deserve them.

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What's the cleverest thing to come out of a woman's mouth.

Einstein's cock.

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If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen, what have you done wrong?

Made her chain too long.

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Why did the woman cross the road?

Who cares. The bitch should be at home doing the housework, anyway.

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Why are women like laxatives?

Because they irritate the shit out of men.

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Why do women have tits?

So that men will talk to them.

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It's one of life's little mysteries how a 2Lb box of chocolates can make a woman gain about half a stone. 

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A woman should give up jogging when her thighs rub together to make her tights catch fire.

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A couple out walking came across a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a coin. The wife did likewise. But she leaned over too far and fell into the well.

"I never imagined theses things really worked." said the widower.

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1) Your dog's mother-in-law won't visit.

2) A dog won't complain if you go out for a pint.

3) A dog doesn't care if you look at other women.

4) A dog doesn't care if you sleep with other women
.
5) A dog doesn't care about other dogs in your life.

6) A dog gets excited if you need to take a p*ss whilst taking him / her for a walk.

7) A dog doesn't want flowers.

8) A dog is happy when, accidently, you drop a little food on the carpet.

9) Dogs are affectionate and don't have headaches.

10) Dogs get visibly excited about the smell when you fart.

11) Dogs like it better when the house is in a mess.

12) You can get the dog to dig the hole for you if you're taken short when out in the country with him / her. 

13) A dog's not bothered about you having a smoke in the house.

14) Dogs don't care whether or not the house needs decorating.

15) Dogs are usually disturbed if you do decide to decorate.

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A woman arrives home to find her husband in bed with another woman.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" she screamed.

"You see," said the husband, "I told you she was bloody stupid."

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Why do female parachutists wear jockstraps?
To stop them whistling on the way down.

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