AQUARIUS (JAN 21st - FEB 19th).  You are fun-loving and inventive with a hint of stubborness. Aquarians are usually compuslive liars: you are no exception. Women Aquarians universally enjoy farting into rounded glass containers. Most Aquarians are twats.

PISCES (FEB 20th - Mar 20th).  A vivid imagination helps you when phoning the police to report that your arse is on fire: but don't call the operator a 'thick get'. Pisceans tend towards extreme stupidity and are regarded by most as thick bastards. Don't shoot anyone this week.

ARIES (MAR 21st - APR 20th).  Screwing money out of people is the thing you do best. Ariens, therefore, make good business persons, bank robbers and exponents of the noble art of Basket Weaving in Telephone Kiosks. Ariens usually smell. Ariens almost always explode on Thursday evenings. Mercury is in the thermometer. Your most hated number is that appearing as Income Tax on your pay slip.

TAURUS (APR 21st - MAY 21st).  Pluto is peering up Uranus indicating that you will study - and one day go on to contract - venereal disease. Males usualy make a hobby of shagging scrubbers whilst the women usually end up as the scrubbers. Droopy tits normally come to both sexes after their 31st birthday. Do not piss on your electric fire this coming Bank Holiday. The Tarus male usually has trouble remembering where he lives after a session on the piss.

GEMINI (May 22nd - JUNE 21st). A sympathetic nature helps Scorpios take advantage of you. Many Gemini people end up penniless drunks. Try to avoid TV game shows as you will be exposed as a total pillock.  If you name is Angela or Brian consider going on the game. Your favourite colour is black.

CANCER (JUNE 22nd - JULY23rd). You are a confident person: others consider you a pushy twat and sexual deviant. Cancarians naturally, consider themselves good in bed and most secretly desire to sniff little girls' bicycle seats. Mars has dropped out of the sky so keep away from bikes this month or the cops will have you. Women of this sign usually get 'knocked-up' out of marriage. Your sign means you tend towards catching pubic lice.

LEO  (JULY 24th - AUG 23rd). Saturn and Jupiter have nipped down the pub. All Leo people have timid voices but demonstrate the lion's roar by farting loudly in libraries and doctors' surgeries. Resist the temptation to sniff glue: you are a total pot-head and are likely to stick yourself to the plastic bag. Don't do it! Your IQ is always better than 12.

VIRGO(AUG 24th - SEPT 23rd). You have a strong tendency to nit-pick leaving friends and family in no doubt that you are a miserable bleeder. Being smashed in the gob with a cricket bat is usually the consequence so expect to spend some time in you local hospital's A&E unit. If you have a fat arse, tough-titty, it will only get bigger. You have no preference for colour, prefering a mid grey. Virgo women shag like rockets.

LIBRA (SEPT 24th - OCT 23rd). Splash out and get a job cleaning double decker busses. Impotence comes early to most Librans, so get out there and make love. But rancid body odour and extreme bad breath will hold you back. You are a cheap bastard. Like Gemini women, many Libran women make excellent prostitutes. Avoid lighting your own farts next Tuesday afternoon because the Moon is in the eighty-seventh quarter.

SCORPIO (OCT 24th - NOV 22nd). Power, passion, arrogance and a strong will: what obnoxious bastards Scorpios are. They are reputedly the best lovers in the Zodiac. Cobblers. I bet very few have ever had a shag in a Zodiac. Scorpio women usually love to wear leather undies: tarts. Your favourite colour is, naturally, blood red. Your favourite number is 69.

SAGITTARIUS (NOV 23rd - DEC 21st). Men of this sign like to ride their luck: what an odd name. Despite your sign, avoid the tendency to play with arrows. Sagittarians are usually dim and short sighted so, as likely as not, you'll shoot some poor bogger. Vanity, bisexuality, and a liking for Country Music are your three worst traits. Most Sagittarians are stuck-up bleeders. Your favourite colour is brown.

CAPRICORN (DEC 22nd - JAN 20th). Stop eating your bogies because Neptune has risen above the meriden and, in any case, they stick in the gaps between your teeth. Even though she usually has tiny bristoles, the Capricorn woman tends expose herself in the supermarket giving everyone a right good laugh. She does this because she is a raving twat. Capricorn men are hung like donkies (so they say). Most of this sign will be murdered by gaslight.