Sister-matic.

**********

A man went into the chemist and asked for a packet of condoms.
"What size,sir?" asked the pharmacist.
"Size?"
"Yes. They're sized these days. To find out your size go round the back of the shop. There you'll see a shed with a number of holes in the side. Try each one to see which gives the best fit.  And that's your condom size."
Off he went, returning quite some time later with a huge grin on his face.
"Well, sir, and what size are we?"
"Forget the Jonnies, luv," said the man. "How much do you want for that shed.....?"

**********

Two gay blokes were walking down the street when one spotted a ladder leaning against a building.
Jools minced over to the ladder and ran up and down it a few times.
"Oooooooooh, Cedric," he cried, all of a fluster and extremely excited, "I do feel like a fireman."
"Don't be so silly, Jools," said the other, "Where are we going to get a fireman this time of night.....?"

**********

Did you hear about the gynaecologist who painted the inside of his house through his letterbox.....?

**********

A guy went to the doctor complaining about difficulties, 'down below'.
"Front or back?" asked the quack.
"Well..."
"Oh, come, come, Mr Davis, I'm your doctor. Now, which is it? Front or back?"
"Back"
"Then drop your trousers and bend forwards over my desk, please."
The doctor prepared himself with examination gloves and some lubricant. He pushed a finger up his patient's back passage.
"Found anything, doctor?"
"Well, there is something here. I'll have to use a second finger. Now, this won't hurt...Goodness me, what have we here?"
"Well, doctor?"
"It's a wad of money." 
"Would you mind counting it please?"
The doctor began to count. At the last note he said, "Yes, Mr Davis, there's one thousand, nine hundred and ninety nine pounds."
"Hmm. No wonder I wasn't feeling too grand..."

**********

What's the definition of an engineer?
A man who washes his hands before using the toilet.

**********

Why did the hedgehog cross the road?
To see his flat mates.

**********

What did T-Rex say to the horrid little furry animal at their first meeting?

Please to eat you.

**********

A young man had been dating a girl for just a few weeks, when it was her birthday. He wanted to give her a present that showed his affection but that was not too  personal. After much thought he decided upon a pair of evening gloves as they liked to go to the theatre together after dinner.

He needed some help selecting a suitable pair so asked his girlfriend's sister to go with him. During the visit to the shop she took the opportunity to buy some underwear. Unfortunately the sales assistant mixed up the two items. Even more unfortunately the young man didn't bother to check the contents of the two packets with the result that the sister got the gloves and his girlfriend got the panties.
 

This is the note written by the young man to accompany what he thought were gloves.

"I chose these because I noticed you aren't in the habit of wearing any when we go to the theatre. If it were not for your sister, who came with me to choose them, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons. But she wears short, lacy ones which she said are easier to get off quickly. She let me try and I agree with her.

"I hope you like the colour. They're a very delicate shade. Even so, they're not given to staining. The lady at the shop showed me hers that she'd had on all day but they were hardly soiled at all. 

"I'd very much like to have been there to put them on for you: who knows, take them off, too. 

With fond affection,

David.
 

PS

Don't forget to blow inside them when you take them of as they'll naturally be a little damp through wearing.

**********

If the railway station is where the train stops and a bus station is where the bus stops and on your desk at work you have a work station...

**********

There was a pretty young girl who lived with her grandmother. One evening she came downstairs to go out with her new boyfriend. She was wearing a see-through blouse and no bra. Granny told her to get back upstairs and make herself respectable.

"No. I won't." she said. "I want to show off my rosebuds." And with that, she left.

The following day the young woman went outside to see her grandmother sitting on the veranda, also wearing a see-through blouse and without a bra.

"Grandma." she exclaimed. "What on earth's going on? My boyfriend and another couple are coming over. Please change your blouse. I'm so embarrassed."

"Well," said the old woman, "If you can show your rosebuds, then I can show my hanging baskets."

**********
A man went to confession.

"Father I have sinned. I made love to my wife."

"That's not a sin." 

"But I was leaning up against the freezer at the time."

"Then say three Hail Mary's."

"You mean I'm not barred from the church?" asked the man.

"No." said the priest, "But I understand you're barred from the supermarket."

**********

A homosexual, a drunk and a hardened smoker were sitting in the doctor's waiting room. The doctor popped his head around the door and invited them all into his surgery at the same time.

"I know what's wrong with all of you," he said, "It's far too much vice. You've all been indulging to great excess."

Then, to each in turn, he said, "If you have gay sex just once more, you'll be dead. If you touch one more drink, you'll be dead. And if you smoke one more cigarette then, likewise, you'll be dead."

Overcome by this dreadful news they all left the doctor's. The drunk, disbelieving the medic, took the others to the pub and bought a round. No sooner had he finished his whiskey than he dropped to the floor, stone dead. Mortified by this awful spectacle, the others left the pub and began to walk home. Just then a car passed by, the driver tossing his cigarette end out of the window.

"If you bend down to pick that up," said the homosexual, "There'll be two more dead blokes in this neighbourhood." 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

**********

A young man decided to make love to his girlfriend for the first time that night. First he went to the pharmacy for some condoms. Then he'd go to her place for dinner with her parents and, later, a night of passion.

"And how many condoms, sir?" asked the pharmacist. " We've the regular three pack or you can have the larger pack containing ten condoms?"

"The ten pack, thanks, I'm hoping for a good night." He said with a wink.

Over at her place he was invited straight to the diner table as he was just a touch late.

Immediately the boyfriend led grace. After about ten minutes with heads bowed the girlfriend coughed politely and said to the young man. "I never knew you were so religious, Peter."

"And I never knew your father was the pharmacist." He replied. 

**********

A farmer had triplets, all boys. By a strange quirk of nature all were of differing intelligence.  One was very bright, one was average and one was downright bloody stupid. At their fifteenth birthday the farmer decided to give his boys the facts of life.

"Now, Jimmy," he said to the brightest lad, "I think you're ready for a woman." No sooner was that said that Jimmy went to find a woman to do some courting.

Turning to the average son, he said," I really daren't trust you with a woman just yet. Go and practice on Daisy, the cow." And off he went.

"Well, Herbert. What are we going to do with you? Yes. I know.  Go and practice on the hole in the oak tree up yon ten acre." And off the lad went.

Some weeks later the farmer made an arrangement with the madam at the local brothel to allow them group discount for their sex education. Whilst the sons were shown each to a room, he took coffee with the madam in her office. 

"Right then," he said presently, " I guess I better take a peek at their progress. Rooms ten eleven and twelve? Yes? Good."

He peeped into room ten to see the bright lad getting on very well servicing the prostitute. In room eleven the average son was doing well enough so was left alone.

Peeking through the door of room twelve, the farmer was horrified to see Herbert had tied the prostitute tie to the bed and was jabbing a broom handle up inside her.

"Jees. For Gawd's sake what the hell are you doing? You'll kill the poor woman?"

"I making sure there are no bees in this one."

**********

A woman went to the gynaecologist for the first time. Removing her clothes she lay on the examination table, spread her legs and waited for the doctor to begin. 

"Well, Miss Jarvis, you have the biggest vagina that I've ever seen.....that I've ever seen...ever seen."

"There's no need to repeat yourself." She snapped, extremely upset.

"I didn't." replied the doctor.

**********

Two old men were sitting in a pub supping at their pints of mild.

"You know," said the first man, " When the Queen comes home they run-up the flag."

"Well, when my wife comes home, I run up a side street." 

**********

Insure your car for fire an theft.

Who the hell's going to pinch a car that's on fire?

**********

A bloke was driving through a rough inner-city area one night, when his tyre had a puncture. He'd jacked up the car and was changing the wheel when three youths ran from an alley, jumped into his car and began unscrewing the dashboard.

"Hey!" cried the motorist. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"

"Well," retorted one of the youths, "If you're having the wheels, we're having the cassette and the radio."

**********

A bloke who considered himself to be a little short in the manhood department, happened upon a wishing well. He told the well what he would like then tossed in a few coins. 

Seconds later, tiny man playing an equally tiny piano, materialised in front of him.

"No, you bloody idiot", the man shouted into the well. "I didn't say a twelve inch pianist."

**********

A guide dog led his master across the road against a red light. The traffic came to a screeching halt. When the blind man reached the other side he patted the dog on its head.

"Why are you patting the dog?" asked a passer-by, "When it nearly got you killed."

"Actually," he replied, "I'm looking for its bum to give it a really good kick."

**********
Bride: "Do you believe in pre-marital sex?"

Groom: "Only if it disrupts the ceremony."

**********

What do you call two burgulars together?

A pair of nickers.

**********

How can you tell if there's been an elephant in the fridge?

There'll be footprints in the butter (or, these days, in the low-fat spread).

**********

There was a man who was extremely partial to baked beans. But they gave him terribly loud and smelly farts. And the more he ate the more he liked them and the more he farted. 
On his birthday he decided to nip out fir a quick drink. "But, whatever you do, don't have any beans from the take-away on your way home." ordered his wife.

But he just couldn't resist the temptation and had five large trays of beans. At home, after lying to his wife about the beans, she told him a birthday surprise awaited. But that he'd have to sit blindfolded in the lounge whilst she prepared it.

She left him alone. But the beans began to do their work and he let rip with a long, loud and smelly fart. Then he felt another brewing so he let that go, too. Then another. Then another. Farts were erupting one after the other. The man could hardly stop and his lounge smelled like a tiolet.

"Here we are, dear," she said, "Here's your birthday surprise."

She whipped of the blindfold and all the guests at his surprise party shouted, "Happy birthday."