Please help. My girlfriend's parents have a mushy peas eating contest most weekends. That's when I go down to visit Suzie. I could understand it if they lived in one of those dreadful little council houses, but they're a well-to-do, rich family. 

Mrs X puts on her pearls and high heels (and little else) then stands on her breakfast bar whilst Mr X lights her gas when she blows-off. It was really funny at first but now I find it disgusting. I'm desparate that Suzie will want to start doing it soon. Should I carry on seeing Suzie, finish with her, stop going to Hampshire at weekends or continue and put up with the spectacle? 

Worried of Wolverhampton
 

Jasper says:

Sod me. What a tart. Fancy fart ignition in front of her (perhaps) prospective son-in-law. But why not join in? Try dropping your kex in front of Mrs X. Does she fancy a bit with you? Can you fart louder than her? 

No, Worried, I've got a plan. Here's what you should do. Tell Suzie that you love her dearly (even though you probably don't and only want her for a good time in the sack) but that you're worried about her mother's behavior. Tell her that you'll only continue visiting if Mr and Mrs X stop fart-lighting and that, if they don't stop, you'll be forced to hire a hitman to murder them both. That should sort it. Both Xs seem bastards. 

[Are you a sexual deviant? If so write again and tell me what you like].

Please help me to find a man. I'm 22 and have never been out with a man (I'm a virgin). I'm OK looking but have a lot of spots around my mouth. Because my wardrobe is out dated I tend to stand out at social occasions. 

Desparate, London.
 

Jasper says:

Attending social functions wearing what is effectively a long wooden box has never been easy, especially if it's outdated. So nip down to FMI and buy yourself a new one; one of those nice, build-it-yourself kits will do a treat. Wear that at parties and you'll have men flocking to your side.

And, don't forget, a man likes to be teased so make sure you keep the doors shut until he's got you back to his place. Also, that way he'll not see your zitty gob until it's really to late for him to back out. 

Desparate, you don't say whether you're a man or a woman. If male, you're obviously a poof so turn hetrosexual and go cruising for dollies. If female, turn into a lesbian and go cruising for the same dollies as per the previous sentence.

Dear Jasper,

Please, Please, Please help. My mum is wasting away with systic warts, my brother has taken up drugs, my aunt has become a prostiute. And, last week, my flat was broken into with all my money and most of my clothes stolen. What can I do?
 

Jasper says:

Cry.

What's wrong with my car?

Jakko, Leeds.
 

Jasper says:

Jakko, what sort of question is that? Of course I know what's wrong with your car. It's crap.

Dear Jasper,

When I wee in the sink in the bedroom, and then I go outside where the drain outlet is, there's a really dreadful smell. It really is horrid, like rotting eggs. Any suggestions, please? 

Concerned, Outer Bexley.
 

Jasper says:

Hmm. A difficult one, this. I've been in touch with our Sanitary Advisor. His best advice is not to go outside after pissing in the sink.

Dear Jasper.

I've got ants in my shed. Not ordinary ants, you understand, but big ants. These are about 2'6" long. They seem to get up to mischief, nicking my pertrol lawnmower of a nightime and driving to the pub. What can I do?

Uncertain, Liverpool.
 

Jasper says,

There are a few options. You could sell the mower but that's a bit drastic. I think that by far the best method is to buy (say) 20 gallons of ale then put it in the shed. Then when the ants are well pissed, dynamite the lot.