HOW TO DEAL WITH JUNK MAIL AND CREDIT CARD APPLICATIONS

Premium junk mail

Premium junk mail is the type where they enclose a prepaid reply envelope, a most anserine error on their part.

Method 1: Simply return the favour, send back some of your own rubbish, take the envelope and cram in as much rubbish as you can (cabbage clippings or any bits of brassica are ideal). Enclosing instructions stating: " Please accept this free gift. Your original communication moved me in such an emotional way I just had to reply. Further communication will stimulate a similar response."

Method 2: Enclose some of your own junk mail, a copy of the Principia Discordia perhaps, or any leaflets that drop through your letter box. Promotional literature from a competitor and evangelical ravings are the most effective.

Method 3: Complete the details requested with the companies managing directors personal details. If it proves to difficult to acquire these details use the local mayors personal details or the companies complaints department address. Send the mail back and repeat until they are forced to stop.

Standard junk mail
This type of junk mail does not have a return prepaid envelope.This requires that you invest in some envelopes.

Step 1: Choose any of the methods already listed above and enact.

Step 2: Address envelope as appropriate. Do not pay any postage.

Step 3: Place letter in post box.

Credit card applications
Credit card applications require a more refined technique.

Step 1: Achieve a hypnogogic state of mind (this is best done first thing in the morning/afternoon/evening or whenever you emerge from your slumber).

Step 2: Complete the personal details with creative flair. Please note that we do not recommend that you use your own name (Discordian religious names are acceptable ). If you suspect that they will issue you with a credit card do use your home address.

Step 3: Examine the small print. Cross out all the clauses that you don't like. Insert your own clauses e.g. I agree not to pay back any debts incurred from my misuse of this card; My credit limit is irrelevant, because I'm not paying you any money back; The credit card holder is not responsible for anything or liable to prosecution. Return application to sender. If they are foolish enough and actually accept your application and send you a card, you won't be liable for any costs. (I've never had one back yet, let me know if you do!)