I don't know if you like a good laugh, a good groan or just a snigger, but there are joke on this page that will make you do all three.

last Updated 26/08/04

One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God,

"Lord, I have a problem."

"What's the problem, Adam?", God replies.

"Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I am just not happy"

"Why is that, Adam?", comes the reply from the heavens.

"Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely."

"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a "woman" for you."

"What's a "woman", Lord?"

"This "woman" will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created.

She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want, even before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you.", replies the heavenly voice.

"Sounds great!" Adam says with a grin on his face.

"She will be, but this is going to cost you."

"Oh, how much will this "woman" cost me Lord?", Adam replies.

"She'll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, an ear, and your left testicle."

Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam says to God,

"Ehhh, what can I get for a rib?

...And the rest, is history...

CUSTOMER SERVICE

I think this person should have been promoted, not fired. This is alledgedly a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline which was transcribed

from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say, the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the

WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause." Actual dialoque of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee

(now I know why they record these conversations!)

"Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's a blank; it won' t accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV."

"Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord

goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

"Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

"Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power failure."

"A power............a power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.

Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was

when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too f*cking stupid to own a computer."

Things you don't wan't to hear during surgery...

I never knew you had that much blood in your body...

Go Long!!!...

Do you need your liver?

Nurse, stop playing around and pick that organ thingie

off the ground

Let's see just how long your intestines are

...Jumper cables...socket wrench...blow torch...

How much is a whatchamacalit-liter?

How do you put in an I.V.?

Is blood supposed to come out of that?

Oh yeah! Wanna make something of it...

Has anybody seen my ham and swiss on rye?

Doctor, is it bad to be bleeding out of your eyes?

What is that green stuff? Hey!

Look what happens when I squish it!

What's it mean when the little green line goes flat?

You want me to touch it? Mmmmmmmm!

Tastes like chicken!

It doesn't matter if it's blunt, i'll use it!

This redneck couple get married. They go back to the motel after the ceremony, and she changes into a sexy nightgown, lies on the bed, and says, "Be gentle with me; I'm a virgin." At this her new husband bursts into tears, pulls on his clothes, jumps into his pickup truck, and drives home. He tells his father what happened. "Son, you done right," says his pop. "If she weren't good enough for her own family, she ain't good enough for ours."

Over heard at drug store last week. Standing near the check out stand, a teenager spotted a display of condom: "Hey Dad, what's a three pack for?" remarks the teenager. "Those are for the weekend. Two for Friday night, and one for Saturday" remarked the father. "Then Dad, what's a six pack for?" "That's when she moves in to your pad. Two for Friday night, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday". "Then Dad, what's a twelve pack for?" "That's for when your married. One for January, one for February, one for......."

A little old lady entered the main branch of a large downtown bank with a large grocery bag in her arms. She told the teller that she wanted to open an account to make a substantial deposit, in excess of $200,000. Further, she said that since such a large sum was involved, she would deal only with the president of the bank to make the necessary arrangements. The teller looked in the bag and confirmed that it was, in fact, full of cash. He called upstairs and explained the situation to the bank president, who agreed to see the woman. The teller escorted her to the presidents office, and the president invited her to have a seat, which she accepted. She repeated her request to open an account. The president said he would take care of it personally, but his curiosity was killing him. He said, "Mind if I ask how you happened to come into such a large sum of cash?" "Not at all," was her reply. "I bet." "You bet?" he countered. "At the racetrack, or on professional sports, or in casinos...?" "Nothing like that," she said. "I just ... bet. For example, I'll bet you $50,000 that by tomorrow morning your balls will be square." The president chuckled but, seeing that the lady had the funds to back up such a wild bet, agreed. They shook hands on it, and she promised to return at nine the next morning to follow up, and left. As the day wore on, the president found himself frequently checking to make sure that all was in order. It was, but just as a precaution he cancelled his regular Tuesday afternoon golf match and went home early. The next morning when he showered, he was actually quite relieved to find that nothing had changed drastically while he slept. He confidently headed for the bank, laughing all the way at the unexpected windfall that was about to become his. The little old lady showed up promptly at the appointed hour, accompanied by a young man. When the president asked who he was, she replied that he was her lawyer, who she always brought along when payoffs involving significant sums were involved. The president told her that sorry, she had lost that particular bet, so the funds would be outgoing rather than incoming. She insisted on examining the evidence for herself, considering the amount at stake. He deemed it a reasonable request under the circumstances, so he stood up, unbuckled his belt and dropped his pants. She proceeded to closely inspect his jewels for any abnormalities. As she did, the president noticed that her lawyer was standing in the corner, banging his head against the wall. He asked the lady, "What's the matter with him?" She paused her inspection long enough to glance at the lawyer and replied, "Oh, him. I bet him $250,000 that before ten A.M. today I'd have the president of the bank by the balls."

They don't sell tickets, they sell chances. All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out. Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot. You cannot board the plane unless you have the exact change. Before you took off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro. The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas. When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking. The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway. You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he says, "Just once." No movie. Don't need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes. You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane. All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.

10. Sometimes stays in bed til after 6am.

9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.

8. Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" makeup.

7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou suck!"

6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."

5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap."

4. You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks.

3. Uses slang expression: "Talk to the hand, cause the beard ain't listening."

2. Was recently pulled over for "driving under the influence of cottage cheese."

1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards.

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all mechanical things. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later, his company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day he marked a small X in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your problem is!" The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for £50,000 from the engineer for his services. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark ............. £1 Knowing where to put it..... £49,999

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll become a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I'll be parked around the corner." She's not there 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks,"How much?" She says, "A hundred dollars." He says, "All I got is thirty". She says, "Hold on," and runs back to Harry and asks, "What can he get for thirty?" "A hand job". She runs back and tells the guy all the gets for thirty is a hand job. He agrees. She gets in the car. He unzips his pants, and out pops this HUGE penis. She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back." She runs back to Harry, and asks, "Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?"

One day at the end of class little Gunner's teacher had the class go home and think of a story and then conclude with the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asked for the first volunteer to tell a story; little Suzy raised her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." The teacher asked for the moral of the story. Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket." Next was little Lucy. "Well my dad owns a farm, too, and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggsm hatched." The teacher asked for the moral of the story. Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched." Last was little Gunner. "My uncle Steve was a Marine; the helicopter he was in was shot down over enemy territory. As the only survivor, all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. First he drank the whiskey so the enemy couldn't enjoy it. Unfortunately, he was quickly surrounded by a 100 soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands." Teacher looked in shock at Gunner and asked if there was any possible moral to his story. "Yes sir", Gunner replied, "Don't screw with Uncle Steve when he's been drinking."

A priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices and asks the priest if he'd like to join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees. The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before, to which the priest answers no. He baits the hook and says, "Give it a shot, Father." After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it in the boat. The fisherman says, "Whoa, look at that big sonofabitch!" Priest: "Uh, sir, can you please mind your language?" Fisherman: (THINKING QUICKLY): "I'm sorry, Father, but that's what the fish is called: -- a sonofabitch." Priest: "Oh, I'm sorry, I did not know." After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and stops the Bishop. Priest: "Look at this big sonofabitch!" Bishop: "Please, mind your language, this is a house of God." Priest: "No, you don't understand! That's what the fish is called and I caught it. I caught this sonofabitch!" Bishop: "Hmmm, you know I could clean this sonofabitch and we could have it for dinner." So the Bishop takes the fish, cleans it and takes it to the head mother. Bishop: "Could you cook this sonofabitch for dinner tonight?" Head Mother: "My lord, what language!" Bishop: "No, Sister, that's what this fish is called, a sonofabitch! Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we want you to cook it." Head Mother: "Yes, I'll cook that sonofabitch tonight." That night the Pope stops by for dinner. He thinks the fish is great and asks where they got it. Priest: "I caught the sonofabitch." Bishop: "And I cleaned the sonofabitch."Head Mother: "And I cooked the sonofabitch." The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, takes off his hat, leans back in his chair, puts his feet up on the table and says, "You know, you f****rs are all right!"

A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at acity department store. In fact, it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there. The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?" "Yes, I was a salesman in the country," said the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up. The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?" "One" said the young salesman. "Only one" blurted the boss, "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?" "One hundred thousand, three hundred and thirty four dollars" said the young man. "How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss. "Well," said the salesman, "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty- foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser." The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?" "No," answered the salesman. "He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him,"Your weekend's screwed, you may as well go fishing."

Ponder these questions when you don't want to think about important stuff!

If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?

What do chickens think we taste like?

What do people in China call their good plates?

What do you call a male ladybug?

What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there Interstates in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices in the seats of planes instead of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking is prohibited?

Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?

If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why does it have locks on the door?

Why is a bra singular and panties plural?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

If a firefighter fights fire and a crime fighter fights crime, what does a freedom fighter fight?

If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby oil?

If a cow laughs, does milk come out of her nose?

If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of a drive- up ATM?

Why is it that when you transport something by car it is called shipment, but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

If you throw a cat out of the house, does it become kitty litter?

If aspirins are always "Take Two," why not increase the size of ONE?

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that allthe Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, they could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The pope agreed. The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here." "And then?" asked a woman. "I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."

That's all for now, come back in a few weeks for some more, check the date at the top of the page for when it was last updated

:o))

Back to my HomePage

Email me with your own jokes and I may add them.