When I joined The Navy I wanted to be a cook, but they already had one.

If you're looking for sympathy, you'll find it in the dictionary, between shit and syphilis.

When I joined the Navy, we didn't get Identity Cards, we all knew each other .

On Naval Catering

On approaching the galley.......... ‘Shit Chef......but well cooked!’

The human body takes 8 hours to turn food into crap, a Navy chef does it in 8 minutes!

On Skiving

You’ve had more time off than Rip Van Winkles bunk light!

On The Morning After

Woke up with a mouth like the bottom of Cairo crab catchers worm bag.

Mouth like Gandhi's port and starboard flip flops!

On The Useless

He can calculate the circumference and cubic capacity of an orange, just don't ask him to peel it.

He never makes the same mistake twice. However. . . . .

You’ve got as much chance as striking a match on wet tripe!

As useless as an ashtray on a motorbike.

Couldn't organize 50% leave in a two man submarine.

Couldn’t organise a piss up in a Brewery.

About as useful as a fart in a fan shaft.

On Length Of Service

I was in the Navy when the Dead Sea reported sick.

I knew Pontius Pilot when he was an Air Cadet.

I was in uniform when you were in liquid form.

I joined up when the Mary Rose was still in Epping forest.

I was only interested in the raising of the Mary Rose because I thought I might recover my kit bag.

On Ugly Women

She's got a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp.

She had a face like a badly packed kit bag.

She had a face like a dockyard welders bench.

How can you be so ugly with only one head?

Everybody has the right to be ugly but she abuses the privilege.

Never been to bed with an ugly woman, but sure woke up with few.

She had teeth like a NAAFI piano keyboard, one white, one black, one missing.

On Obese Women

She's so fat, you have to roll her in flour to find the damp patch.

She was so fat she had to fart to give me a clue.