Day 6: Woke up in the hotel on the way to Death Valley.
I wonder how far it is to Death Valley says I as I open the door - whoosh blast of heat and sand - oh we're there already - that was quick!
Anyway there was this deafening roar outside - Des Des get out here says I -
fighters! class!!
Now Des gave me one of those look which usually means umm err let me get this right....
...'what the fuck are you on about Joe?' and continued to watch CNNs coverage of the spy plane downed in China episode.
OK OK those of you that know me well know I am a bit nuts about planes and helicopters - no I hear you cry - the military (perferably american) So on
this cloudless day there was me standing in Death Valley in 30 degree heat watching these 2 F18s practice dogfighting in the clear blue sky above and
Jesus were they loud! Class! Most other people were milling around, checking out, packing their car, getting the feck out of the sun and there was this 8
year old kid watching these 2 planes chase each other. Nellis air force base was just the other side of the mountain range (otherwise known as Groom
Lake - Area 51 etc etc) and China Lake (Naval gunnery and bombing range) was to the south - yeah means a lot to the rest of you..
Anyway to cut the story short we headed off onto the Valley trail. (oh and no prizes for who the 8 year old was!!! (Oh and for Peter - it was
me ;-)))
So went and took the photo of the sand dunes right across from the hotel - the hotel thing was actually a village called Stovepipe Wells so named after
the fact that it was a watering hole during the gold rush for folk heading through Death Valley to California and as the sand dunes
constantly covered the spot some smart bloke planted a stovepipe on the spot so it could be
found easily. Anyway the village grew up around it later and was called Stovepipe Wells - so they must have been up all night thinking of that one.
So paid our park entrance fee and got the map to the park (ok didnt bear much of a resemblance to any park I've ever been in - no trees, no bushes,
no seaside, water. ok no broken glass, empty beer cans or smashed up shopping trolleys either for that matter)
A quick glance over the names in the map really gave me concern about the reasons why the stay-up-all-night-to-come-up-with-an-original-name people
named the following the way they did:
1. Death Valley
2. Furnace Creek
3. DantesView
4. Devils Cornfield
5. Devils Golf Course
6. Hells Gate
then there were the delightfully named
7. Coffin Peak
8. Funeral Peak
9. Last Chance Mountain
10. Lets get the fuck out of here Valley
11. You complete arse I told you to bring more than a thimble of water hill
OK I made the last 2 up but you get the point. So we decided to head up to the Ghost Town at Rhyolite and back via the Ghost Town at Leadfield (yeah
there were a lot of miners about naming places as well - Steel Mountain - gold mountain- quartz mountain) Still anybody who would take 2 days to cross
the worlds 2nd hottest and 5th lowest place in a covered wagon wouldn't really have had the nickname 'Einstein' at the best of times!
So took 2 hours to drive the 3 inches on the map - drove across the valley - suddenly the car screeched to a stop (Des was driving again) What says I?
suddenly thinking of the 2 gallons of water in the boot!
You know that long straight road heading into the dark mountains?
Yes....
Well look behind you! I didn't know what I was more pleased at - the fact I was going to get my photo or confirmation that Des actually looks in the
rear view mirror!
So click and that was it a happy wee soldier!
So went up to Rhyolite the 'ahem' ghost town - now I was picturing something out of the good the bad and the ugly with the odd tumbleweed thrown in for
good measure - you know the type of thing, churchbell tolling in the wind, rusty sign swinging, clink clink clink of the spurs as we've got out of our
trusty dodge.
Hmm I have travelled the world and all over you invariably get the odd' fuck is that it?'
Our own 'Giants' causeway springs to mind as does the little mermaid statue in Copenhagan closely followed by the astronomical clock in Prague (yep I
know its the astrological but its an in joke) but to be honest if I wanted to see derelict houses I'd drive up the Falls or the Shankill - I used to
play in them as a kid (my ma will kill me for saying that!) only the odd time though when our football went in ;-)
So that was Rhyolite lets try Leadfield - oh hold on that road says only suitable for 4x4s - oh thats all right then - I'd add in the Keith Floyd
driving in Cork quote but I fear it would make the story even longer!
So as we nearly got the Dodge stuck 100 yards down this road and I reminded Des that my being able to push cars out of holes is long since past (one of
the few talents my leg has stopped me from expressing that I'm not too worried about)
So back on down over the valley mountains towards Furnace Creek - car stops suddenly again - Joe you know that long road stret..... well you get the
picture and so did I.
Furnace Creek - nothing to write home about but I wont but we did almost run over a Coyote - now all we need to do is almost run over a
road runner and we have the set - meep meep
<Michael and Claire skip this bit as you've already been there too>
So continued on to the Devils Golf Course...
...wait to you hear the story about the erotic hypnotist - ha ha ha
This was a large flat bed made entirely of rock salt - now I always thought rock salt was just another type of salt - not rocks made from salt but these
were class so I got my photo taken amongst them and away from the sign which says not to walk amongst them as people have broken ankles and its miles
away from help and ambulances would have difficulty getting there.... now where have I heard that before.
So when the Valley gets its 0.1 inches of rain per year the rain lands here and accumulates on the rock salt. As it evaporates the salt in the now salt
water grow and point like millions of tiny week spikes into the air. See every day is a school day but why its called the Devils Golf Course I still
dunno.
Anyway headed off to Badwater which funny enough had the only visible water in Death Valley (all 30 square feet of it) and funny enough the water was
bad to drink.
So this was 282 feet below sealevel the lowest I have ever been - well I could have gone the 4 miles out to 284 feet below sea level (or dug down 2
feet) but I couldnt be arsed and it was very very hot - needless to say some lunatics in shorts and t-shirts were heading off into the mirage (if you've
seen the end of High Plains Drifter you will know exactly what I mean). I had just read the guidebook which told the story of a German man a few years
ago had gone hiking in the hills between 2 points on the main road 3 miles and 2000 feet height apart. Needless to say the litre of water he took with
him didnt last very long and he was found dead by the search plane 3 hours later.
Now hold on says I - 3 mile hike (ok uphill) with 1 litre of water - dead in 3 hours - had to be found by plane as no-one was stupid enough to search for
him on foot. Thats like me cowping on a walk to the Abbey Centre! Yess lets just stay in the car with the a/c on and keep the beverage containers in our
beverage cup holders topped up! So that was that - Death Valley - absolutely awesome - the photos are
excellent! - Right on to Vegas via Dante's View!
So drove up the 7000 feet to Dante's View via the area known as the artist's palette - so called because here all the different types of metals and ores
are coming though on the surface so you get loads of colours, reds, yellows, blue, green, purple - well like an artists paletter really - unbelievable
stuff - the photos dont do it justice - go there and see what I mean. On to twenty mule team canyon - incredibly narrow (a cars width) canyon which they
used to drive along in their - you guessed it- anyway this unsurprisingly was one way and all SUVs and RVs were banned (our car had incredible
difficulty getting round the corners and up the hilly bits (considering it was like driving through a tunnel a cars width wide)) Also of course this
being the land of the free to do whatever the fuck you want including ignore road signs we came across this stuck RV which had backed up the cars in the
canyon - not the place to be in 30 degree heat!
Anyway survived that with loads of tutting and lots of ' would you look at what that eejit is trying to do now!' Like I said my car pushing days are
over ;-)
So Dante's View - breathtaking and for once aptly named (in the poetic sense) from a lofty position looking down on the inferno below. Altitude
sickness once again took over (-282 to 7000 feet in 2 hours).
So on to Vegas!! Yee Ha!
Halfway down to Vegas - ABS kicks in - me driving this time - I always seem to time my driving with the twisty mountain hairpin sections - funny that
;-) Now no slagging Des's driving this time I love driving down hairpin mountain roads ;-)
Anyway we had just come across another long straight road which.....
A little later and Des asleep in the car as usual- Des has that uncanny ability that I have only ever seen in babies and toddlers - within 2 minutes
of sitting in the passenger seat he is sound asleep and usually snoring.
This is usually not a problem - you know the usual stuff - talking to yourself for a half an hour before realising it (bit like now really) etc
etc but this is the first time it has given me one of those classic moments!
Des very rarely is stupid enough (unlike myself of course) to ever give any good ammunition for a story. Lets face it you can only tell his driving and
sleeping episodes once but on this trip he did what in the trade is known as a Peter. Let me explain.....
Many moons ago on what was to become my second big adventure (travelling round Europe by train that is - my first was going to stay with a Swiss
family in Geneva for a month when I was 11) on our (there were 4 of us) approach into Paris - 3 of us, I'm not saying who but none of them were
Peter shouted - oh look the Eiffel tower - where? says Peter - over there between the buildings and the sky - where??? says Peter - over there - 3
people standing up on the train and pointing - over there? - Yes and so on and so on until we pulled into the station - so that goes down in history as
the first time Peter didnt see the Eiffel tower!
Anyway Des is snoozing away as I'm driving down Red Rock Canyon into Vegas.
Des wakes up and says - how long to Vegas - about 10 minutes says me - really says Des, dont think so, is that Vegas says he as he points to the
town we are approaching (bearing in mind he has been here before and I havnt)
Lets see says I maybe you are right I'm sure that Nevada must have another town with a massive big tower with a rollercoaster on top, King Arthurs
Palace, a mock up of New York, Paris and Venice not to mention the biggest fucking pyramid I've seen since Cairo! (all said with a big cheesy grin
knowing full well I've finally got something on him!) So there you go the first time Des didnt see Vegas!
Des laughed as I explained what was so funny and then he laughed saying that
I'd never catch him out like that again...
...So do you have directions to the hotel? says he
What that fucking great big black pyramid over there with the Sphinx outside? says I.
More laughter...
so we checked and my face fell to the floor at reception when the guy asked did I want a room in the pyramid - but I booked a room in the pyramid
'sniff' on the internet 'sniff' a week or two ago 'sniff' (the 8 year old was back looking down at his shoes) No problem says he and I'm sure you want
a room as high up as you can possibly go says he with that condescending here have a lollipop and stop crying wee boy tone of voice.
Beaming smiles all round (well from me, Des is just laughing - i'm sure its with me not at me ;-))
So task number one - find the lift - directions are easy enough - straight through the casino you cant miss it
well miss it we did, and again and again I'm sure more people have got lost going through one of these places than Death Valley.
So its all true - the continuous noise, no clocks, no directions to speak of, all machines mirrored on opposite sides so you loose sense of
directions, definitely no way out signs, restaurants downstairs (all in the pyramid of course) games rooms, IMAX, nightclub - the wee girl on the night
club ad is definitely the cutest thing I ever saw (pity I saw her on some tv commercials later that night I may have even paid the 40 quid in!), no
clocks, pure oxygen getting pumped round the place to keep you awake and alert (I havnt breathed as easy in years) etc etc
The complete place is done out like Egypt (expect for the smell, dirt, hassle, hawkers, lechers, rip off merchants, faulty toilets, people making
you money offers for your white skinned wee brother (well he was 18!) and the money wasnt that bad compared to their average wage!) Funny no carpets
for sale but they did have the pyramids but slightly more expensive than the 4.25 and 2 buttons I paid for my sum total of artefacts.
The rooms were class and I broke the habit of a lifetime by taking a photo of the hotel room - had to been seen to be believed (and the old habit of
nicking the toiletries as well ;-)) This last comment deserves some explanation - a long while ago I worked for 3 months in London and I got
some hassle in the hotel one night - nothing major - but I wrote one of my now famous letters of complaint to the management - so hey presto for my
last month I was allocated a penthouse room - class!!! Anyway they had these nifty wee toiletry things so a couple of (dozen ;-)) disappeared into my
luggage and until last year graced my bathroom. anyway my ex-fiancee was always slagging me off to folk and showing them my stolen booty whenever
people came round.... ...until one night she calls me into the shower and says 'Joe the next time you are in the hotels will you nick me some more of
those shower caps - we've run out!!' (she had long hair down to her waist!)
Hmmm Fagan springs to mind. Anyway I thought the Luxor stuff would look well on the side of the bath!
So Vegas - sat down on the edge of the bed and watched TV for a while - thats it says I I'm not going out this evening - taking a rest. I vowed to
Des that I would not gamble a single penny in Vegas. I worked with my Dad in the bookies from age 9 to 19 - it was a great education into reading people
as well getting money and doing a job. So I learned that gambling is a mugs game and the only people who win at gambling are bookies.
15 minutes later we were walking down the strip!
It was now nighttime although you couldnt tell in the Casino! Las Vegas at night is awesome! Words cant really describe it - sort of a cross between
Disneyland and sleaze!
So did the walking up and down bit and then went back to the hotel to tend the blisters - first time I've had blisters on both feet in years!!! Sore
but very very welcome - reminded me very much of the trips of old.
(I've had blisters on one foot - in case you ask - that was when I was learning to walk again - it was funny at times because for the first time in
28 years someone was telling me how to walk - after 9 months I had forgotten (and was scared at the same time) so I got blisters from walking
incorrectly - then blisters again when I started wearing a shoe - still funny now!)
Walking back to the room I wanted to take a photo over the balcony of the hotel onto the casino below (we were on the 20th floor) but as I got nearer
the balcony I didnt bother (I'm afraid of heights and the balcony was only about 3 feet high) Couple with the fact it was a pyramid and you could look
back underneath yourself I decided to walk along the inside wall. I thought that you would have to be careful along there especially if you were drunk -
sadly later on this fear proved to be well founded.
So watched some tv - lots of coverage of this spy plane forced landing in China thing. It had been on all week and we had seen/heard a lot of media
coverage of it. Also it was a talking point in some of the places we had been.
I was quite surprised at the wide range of reponses and solutions most Americans had for the crisis. In case you missed it over here a US Navy spy
plane was hit by a chinese fighter whose pilot was killed and the plane was heavily damaged forcing it to land in China. Needless to say the Chinese
werent happy about this and kept the plane and the crew hostage until america said sorry!
Anyway as I said I thought they would be all gung ho and nuke the bastards type thing but there was a wide range of responses like so.
1. Nuke the bastards (hmmm expected)
2. Bomb the bastards from a great height with the Air Force
3. Let the Navy blow the shit out of the bastards from the sea
4. Send in the Special Forces
5. Send in the Marines
6. Send in the Army
7. Let the Air Force bomb them, then send in the Marines.....etc etc...
... you see a wide range of options ;-)
<Michael and Claire can pay attention again>
I will not gamble in Las Vegas.....I will not gamble in Las Vegas....
So bid a fond farewell to the very nice room at the Luxor - I was feeling very guilty now about Des. I really wanted to stay in some of the fancy
hotels in Vegas and damn the money but I had said that as it was his trip and he had been used to hostels that I would go with the flow...
...I did suggest one of the cheaper motel ranges as a compromise but we would check out the hostel anyway after meeting Michael and Claire.
So off we trotted to the Excalibur (next door as it were) So I'd left a message the previous night saying we would meet up in the hotel foyer - I
thought the odds on us meeting were very slim and so did they when they came strolling up. Hello there fuckwit we exchanged (old Irish greeting between
friends) fancy meeting a ballix like you in a place like this (ditto)
Anyway Michael and Claire had arrived late the previous evening, right says us heres the plan - shopping (des moans) - shopping (des is packing his bag
already) - more shopping (des is asleep). So we decided not to go on the helicopter trip tomorrow as Michael didnt want to 'peak to early' (some
would say that was the story of his life but he knows far too much dirt on me so I wouldnt be one of them!)
So we decided to leave that until the thursday and we would catch them on the way back from Monument Valley on the way to Joshua Tree (so much for not
having a plan - since when did I never have a plan (and another one and a backup in case the shit really hit the fan!)).
So off we trotted to find accommodation whilst Michael and Claire went gambling - well what else!
So it took an hour or so to pass by all the nice hotels in Vegas - then all the not so nice ones - then all the really shitty ones until we found the
hostel. So checked in there for 2 nights. Hmmm I remember packing saying this is the US I'll not bother packing a towel as there will be ones in the
hotels and I'll need that extra few grammes for goodies to take home. Hmm a complete balls on all fronts.
The hostel - well lets just say it was better than the one in San Fran and lets leave it like that. I havnt slept in a single bed for nearly 7 years
now and twice in a week - also not the best idea for a bad leg having a
shitty bed still I thought I cant be unfair here and should be lucky Des is looking after me at all!
So dumped the bags in the hostel and headed back the mile to the Excalibur!
An hour later we arrived.
So 2 things learned - dont drive along the strip in Vegas (full of tourists - pah!!) and Vegas looks shite in the daytime!
So meets Michael with him beaming and carrying one of those we plastic pots full of money - hmm you just changed a load of dollars into quarters and
stuck them in that bucket didnt you? No seriously I just sat beside that fruit machine for about 5 mins then won 60 dollars. Fuck says I but I will
not gamble in Vegas... I will not gamble in Vegas....
So the 2 blow ins asked how much I'd spent so far 'hhmumim' says me lowly - how much Claire said a grand and Michael said 2k! ' about 50 quid or so says
I' after we had picked Michael up off the floor (he and I blew about 4 grand between us in a weekend in Hong Kong one time - well not exactly blew -
rather invested - we hadnt discovered the lapdancing and gambling establishments in those days!)
Anyway these 2 were shellshocked and I told them that I found the whole shopping experience a let down (I had 3 credit cards burning a serious hole
in my pocket) so we decided to remedy that whilst Des did his washing/read his book/sat up at the hostel. Claire asked me about the hostel and I well
did you all see Wacky Races as a kid? You know the way Muttley used to talk - well I was doing a fecking good impression ;-)
So lets see thought I, if we couldnt buy it in Vegas, we couldnt buy it anywhere, or so I thought.
So headed off to the Belz Mall - disappointed - 1 hour shopping - 1 pair of vans, a vans shirt and a pair of vans sunglasses (I got a bit carried away -
I had been cold turkey up to this point)
Nothing else bought between us - now it was 3 muttleys together.
Headed off to the big mall in Vegas - (didnt buy anything there either but we nearly came home with a puppy or two!) Straight through the door was a
pet shop and in the windows were - you guessed it puppies - only in America - and on the floor in pens - more puppies and in cages on the wall -
more puppies!
I must admit some were cute - there was one husky/wolf type wee soul - a grey/white affair with piercing blue eyes that looked at me and said take me
home please and if It hadve been here he would have been shitting all over the Alfa back seat on the way home. Now all you women are going ohh and ahh
and all that type of thing - exactly the sort of behaviour we witnessed on safari - oh look at baby cute thing no.1 - ooh oohh look at baby cute thing
No.2 (jut before baby cute thing number 1 eats baby cute thing no 2 and not so cute anymore) anyway we (or rather Michael) had difficulty removing
Claire from the shop.
I'm gonna get one of them when I go home I said - yippee says Claire can I come with you to pick it.
Michael is frantically waving his arms in the air in a manner usually reserved for directing helicopters onto the ground. He is mouthing the words
no no no no no over and over again.
Sure thing says I there is a crash as Michael hits the floor with head in hands.
Look Joe you are out all day and you cant walk very far, and it would be cruel and you know it thats why you havnt had a Dog in years and you are not
fit to run after a puppy....blah blah blah blah blah all of a sudden its the 8 year old again thinking shut up uncle Michael I
want a puppy.
So after uncle Michael's monologue had finished both claire and I were sitting with pout lips.
'Isnt that right Joe?'
'Eh' says I not having listened to a word he said!
'Isnt that why you shouldnt get a dog' he said nodding away
'but look at his wee blue eyes and sad face' said I
I heard the phrase ' case dismissed' getting called in the background somewhere over Claire shouting ' yayyyy Joes getting a puppy' over and over
again.
Michael walked away with that resigned look I mentioned earlier when talking about the cap thing at Yosemite because he too now realised that Claire and
I wouldnt be coming home with just one puppy!
(still I might come home with a Playstation 2 as well just to cheer him up!)
So that would be 4 fishtanks - 2 dead canaries (another long sad story I may go into sometime ;-)) and a puppy! All I need is a shitload of wood and to
sit in and wait for the next big rain!
Anyway not a lot happened on the shopping trip expect a brief flurry in the DVD shop and an eternity spent searching for Declans jeans, CKone shampoo
and american football gear!
And as for GoreTex - what the fuck is that - thats right Joe of course they are going to have breathable, waterproof windproof clothing in the middle of
the fucking desert - maybe I'll not check for this one until after LA on the way back!
So back to wait on Des.
Right dinner - after walking all the way with now blistered feet to the Mandalay Bay. Hmm a bit of explanation here - the blisters - fucking
excellent! first time on both feet since the accident - I looked on them as badges of honour rather than something to slow me down (well I did have them
on one foot when I was learning to walk again but thats a different story) Then the Mandalay Bay - Michael had a guide book which priced everything as
1 2 or 3 depending on cost - so we looked at the ones. After perusing 6 1 ranked restaurants we decided that Michaels guide should be reclassified as
expensive, fuck sake 25 quid for pasta? and does that come with four wheels and an engine!
Not having travelled for a while I realised why I was always the sensible one with Michael. For him to be one of the most cynical people I know (in a
nice way of course) he seems to go far far far the other way on holiday.
Case in point - Joe Joe this is a great scheme - yesss????
you pay the casino $10 and they give you $15 dollars in chips!!- bargain ---
yesss Michael.
and they then give you this card thing you use to rack up points the more you gamble and you can use it to get gifts and flight tickets and
things.---- yesss Michael where exactly is that magic carpet you arrived on?
seriously they will give you a free room, free food, and even pay your flight home if you gamble well! You just ask the dealers at the table to
rate your spending and bobs your uncle! - You cant lose!!!
Right Michael sit down and go through this - how much have you spent so far - 20 dollars but won 80 - and how long did that 20 dollars last - oh
hours and hours on the quarter machines - even more on the 5 cent machines.
OK then this $15 dollars in chips on the table - whats the minimum bet - $5 - excuse me Micahel you reminded me of Muttley - how much - ok $5 Joe but
you get $5 free!
Yes Michael but that is 3 hands of pontoon or 3 spins of roulette - have you played either - no says he buts thats the beauty the casino give out free
lessons! So now its my turn to be uncle - yesssss
Going back to the free flights etc - yes brilliant isnt it? - hold on what was the minimum bet - $250
sorry Michael I didnt hear that one I nearly swore you said two hundred and fifty dollars - Muttley again.
And I take it this free flight etc doesnt come with just one bet then?
suffering sucatash or something like that!
Right Michael no more hair brained schemes - you hear me
But Joe we are winning!
Look Michael the last thing I want is to arrive here on Thursday morning to find you penniless wearing only your shorts, having sold Claire on monday
for just that ' one last big win'? Do I make myself clear?
Trust me I know what I'm talking about - I worked in a bookies - you just cant win! You wouldnt catch me gambling would you?
so what are you doing?
Eh?
what are you doing in front of that poker machine putting 25 cent pieces in and using my loyalty card?
Fuck!
Anyway skip the next big scheme he came up with - and the next one...
Anyway I was only passing time waiting for Des - oh thats right Des (who also said he wouldnt gamble) is sitting at the next machine waiting for me,
waiting for Claire, waiting for Michael etc etc.
Anyway back to the dinner escapade - so we plumped for an all you can eat buffet in the Mandalay bay.
Jesus when it said all you can eat, it really meant all you could possibly cram in your greedy hole, leaving you incapable of walking and about to
chuck up in the nice casino at any moment but hey didnt you get your moneys worth!
So back to the youth hostel via some poker, pontoon and slot machines.
Whilst playing the poker and pontoon I kept hearing questions from behind like - why did you play those cards? keep the 6 and things like that.
Michael I have been playing these games from I was no height and I'm currently losing. you on the other hand are mindlessly throwing dollar coins
into the one arm bandits, pulling the handle and are 110 dollars up.
What on earth does this tell you?
That I am on a winning streak and should take my winnings to the poker tables after the free lessons at 11am tomorrow - It was now my turn to walk
away with my head in my hands....
...on to the hostel.
Oh except for one thing - when I was sitting at the 5c machines waiting on the others a waitress came over to me and asked if I wanted anything to
drink - no thanks says I - she gave me a really puzzled look.
No sorry sir I asked if you wanted a drink - she said with that silly foreigner didnt understand me the first time look. No thanks said I with
that I did understand you the first time and no I dont want to pay extortionate prices for a beer, although said with a smile. She smiled back
that knowing - well I have never ever in my 8 years waitressing in Vegas ever seen anyone turn down a free drink smile.
Just then Michael walks over - why didnt you get us a drink at the same time - I only have a few dollars left on me says I - but they are free says
he didnt you know that? Oh yes I was aware of that (sorry in joke - couldnt resist it ;-)) and went away and sobbed in the toilets!
So went back to the hostel and thoroughly enjoyed my fitfull nights sleep in comfortable surroundings....
Day 8 - Des this is the most uncomfortable nights sleep (all 3 hours of it) I've had since San Fran. (OK I havnt had a full nights sleep since my
accident but hey there are limits!).
No more fucking youth hostels -OK?
I think Des realised there it was a rhetorical question. OK no sleep - no shower and not a happy bunny - I'll go ad check my email and see did my ma
get the emails so I could ask about bringing alternative stuff home as the shopping so far had been useless. OK down to pc insert 5 dollars - pc
crashes - fuck!
Still one good thing about the hostel - we were speaking to an aussie couple in the same room the night before (before folk complained about the noise).
They told us not to go near the new casinos - stick to the old ones - the boardwalk did chips for the table at 10 cents and they gambled all night on
20 dollars! They were also plied with free drink and food all night as well.
Judging by the state of them they'd had their 20 dollars worth. So did a bit more gambling - the usual coffee and donut for breakfast (gonna
be a hard habit to break back home) and met up with the other 2. We tried to book a show (the blue man group - the intel ad folk - looked excellent) but
it was now Saturday and no chance - the rooms had gone up in the Luxor from 80 to 180 dollars - the minimum bet on the tables was now $25! so if you go
to Vegas and want to do it cheap - go midweek - which would be fine for us on the return because we would be staying on a weds night!
So Michael and Claire booked themselves the medieval banquet 'tournament of kings' thing which looked a good laugh (completely OTT - jousting with
horses and swordfights and all in an underground arena beneath the casino!) but I thought I'd not bother as Des wasnt going and I didnt want to leave
him on his own.
He told me to wise up as he would see a movie instead- guilt lifted the 8 year old went racing over to the cash desk mastercard in hand as fast as his
bad leg would carry him!
So we gambled a bit more and it looked as though Michael's winning streak had started to slip!
So we went shopping again and this time Des came with us - again nothing bought and another major disappointment, let me explain....
we were driving into this mall when we happened across the urrr urrr urrr noise of rubber being left on tarmac whilst using the anti lock braking
system - couldnt be another long road off into the mountains thought I. No better than that a La-Z-Boy shop!!
Whayhey wonder do they ship asked Michael and I leaving Claire and Des wondering what the fuss is about - you know the big leather chair thing that
Joey has in friends - you know - the one with the phone in one arm and the fridge in the other which holds 6 cans so the football need never be
interrupted again?
That chair....
.....fuck! Its the same as reids/starplan/any other furniture store you care to mention - we thought it would be just a shop full of those chairs with
all sorts of gadgets!
Can we help you sirs - no just fuck off and leave us alone - never seen a pair of shattered dreams before?
We were too gutted even to take our complimentary La-Z-Boy wooden yardsticks. I muttered something about taking them home and making up a
story but I didnt believe the words either.
Dejected we crawled back into the car and sat with wee rainclouds over our heads. Thank God neither Des or Claire uttered one of those fateful
inappropriate sentences like 'sure its only a game' or ' sure what did you
want to keep that old thing for anyway'
Still we went down to the Freemont experience that folk raved about - apparently its the original casino street in Vegas - you know the one with
the big cowboy hitching a lift?
Covered walkway they said - so why can we fell the rain - oh not a totally covered walkway sort of a trellis effect thing! And it loses a bit (well all
really) of its appeal during the day!
We did go into a pawn shop though - well I thought this would be a good place to pick up a tag/rolex/extra camera body - you know with the gambling
fanatics trying to flog off everything they own for that one big win? Well it was an experience - the real seedy end of town allright but thats not
what I mean - they had collections of jewellry and rings in the window! Well let me just say that one shop seemed to have Elvis's entire collection of
gawdy rings - so people actually do buy this sort of shit - I only thought it was in the movies - and the prices as well - a couple of thousand dollars
for one of Liberace's cast offs!
So that was the rest of the day eating drinking and gambling - on with the show!
The show was excellent - lots of hollywood style hype - even though we were in the King of Spain section (there were 8 sections and you had to cheer for
your own king) I defected to the King of Ireland seeing there was one - and the fact that he won as well might have something to do with it.
The usual type of thing like the medieval tymes in the states (although I have never been - thought it far too tacky - but here seemed about right!)
and Bunratty castle here etc - lots of eating whole chickens with your fingers etc etc. An excellent show - would thoroughly recommend - one of the
more disneyesque Vegas productions. Claire ordered a cocktail at it (you ordered from the bar and paid after the show - Michael had pointed out the
cocktails to me - go on he said they are supposed to be excellent!) I did find this hard to refuse having cleared the entire cocktail list in the
hotel bar in the Caribbean (although it did take the full 2 weeks) and the hotel in Kenya (which took all of an hour and a half for all 5 of them!) but
I did refuse.
But how I laughed when it came in your take home souvenir stone mug thingy!
Excellent thanks very much says Michael - no thank you sir that will be 15 dollars - we were back to Muttley again
So I left Michael and Claire having just booked the helicopter trip for the Thursday morning. We'll meet up on Thurs 10am says I but we should get into
Vegas sometime on the Weds evening. I'll leave a message for you at reception when we get in to let you know we're here and sure if youse are
about I might leave Des and we'll hit one of the lapdancing clubs (just for pure scientific reasons you understand - sort of still life study only
hopefully not so still ;-))
...nah says Michael as I walked off to meet Des, I think we'll try to get to the erotic hypnotist on Weds night. Now normally this comment would have
stopped me dead in my tracks but in Vegas it seemed normal. What confused me however was what exactly is an erotic hypnotist, is it a normal hypnotist
who hypnotises people into doing erotic things? Or is it some big girl who gets her kits off and dazzles you with her tassles? who knows but you are
going to have to wait until the next installment to find out (or possibly the one after) Maybe I should go and try and pick up some tips if it is the
former or give some tips if it is the latter either way not much to lose!
(I'd been to a hypnotist before in the Isle of Man but to be honest I could have hypnotised half the ones on stage myself - the sort of how do you keep
an idiot in suspense type)
Speaking of hypnotism, a wee question to Michael Ferguson, (who I recently found out knows more about chickens than everybody else I know combined -
dont ask!) Michael is it true that you can hypnotise a chicken by drawing a j shape on the ground with the curley bit away from the chicken? I was told
this in the scouts years ago and have since spread the word although why my scouts were talking about hypotising chickens only really leaves me in a
cold sweat!
Anyway the erotic hypnotist story isnt really all that much....or is it
Day 9 up bright and early and on the road to the Grand Canyon!
So I hope to get another one of these out this weekend and perhaps set up a 'personal web page' or two to put the photos on (some are excellent by the
way). yessss personal web page - how sad is that? Eh barnsey? And no I'm not getting a puppy......although the day after I got home I
heard my da coming up the drive talking to my ma ' oh great hes bought a dog' (next doors dog had a litter of pups when I was away and they are all
doing a houdini act at the minute just to shit all over my back garden (I must be getting old complaining about that)) anyway I half filled a carrier
bag with dogshit yesterday but it was daylight and I couldnt throw it back over the fence ;-)
Day 9 - I will not gamble in Vegas - oh shit thats right too late!
OK so leaving Vegas behind but I'll be back (In 3 days or so but thats not what I meant)
Still havnt spent any money of note other than food accommodation and park fees - major disappointment!
So heading out of Vegas on the Boulder highway I pointed out to Des another one of the motorcycle cops Michael and I had raved about yesterday. Des at
this point got his own back for the travelling in to Vegas crack!
We were all walking along the strip in Vegas the previous day when Michael saw one of those highway motorcycles cops - you know the ones in the gold
uniform and the gold helmet with the big flash motorbikes. Look chips he cries - oh aye says I did you used to watch that as well? Aye says he all
the time as a kid and here we are seeing them in real life!
So I was pointing it out to Des the next morning - CHiPs? says he puzzled?
Aye says I - the California Highway Patrol - you know the series with Eric Estrada and that other blonde bloke who never made it in anything else?
Yes I know what you are talking about Joe but what state is this?
ummm err Nevada Des
Yes Joe and that would make the guy you saw yesterday?
umm errr the Nevada Highway Patrol, Des.
Yes Joe
the only thing that lifted the sense of stupidity was the fact that if I could get to Michael with this story on Thurs before Des did.
So drove up to Boulder City - the only place in Nevada that prostitution, gambling and drinking are not allowed - you really needed to know that -
anyway it was because the town was built solely to house the workers for the Boulder (now Hoover) Dam and the government didnt want the workers suffering
any distractions. So it appeared to all intents and purposes as a sleepy wee perfect place you see in all the movies. Just the right sort of place to
find a mom and pops diner for breakfast. You know the type of place that Eddie Rockets is a very poor copy of? Anyway passing the boulder city limits
I asked Des what this place was famous for as I had seen Boulder in a tv series and couldnt remember.
Anyway walking into mom and pops diner (not its real name )I remembered the tv series - Mork and Mindy - it was set in Boulder. So we laughed walking
through the door - Eddie Rockets isnt a poor copy of an american 50s diner - it is an _exact_ copy of an american fifties diner and here was the
original - the same as Eddies only older!
So I munched my way through an all-american ham and eggs breakfast with a ham that would choke a horse wondering where the mountains where that had
been in Mork and Mindy because maybe there would be a long straight road and I could get a.... well you get the picture by now.
So well fed and watered we headed off to the Hoover Dam - I wanted to get a picture of it from the road but as it is the main road thereabouts we
couldnt stop and by the time we reached the hoover Dam and went on the tour we were too close even for my wide angle lens to get it all in!
Anyway the tour was impressive and well worth the 1/2 hour wait to go on - the tour guide was exactly the same as every IT trainer from America I've
ever listened to! very entertaining. anyway he said they were short staffed as it was the most the desert had bloomed in over 20 years and folk were
calling in sick due to allergies and breathing difficulties (nothing to do with it being a sunday morning, nor the fact it was the start of the school
holidays I suppose!)
Anyway you werent allowed to bring bags etc into the dam for security purposes. This was explained that the dam would be open to terrorist attack
as it provided a lot of the energy to the South West states.
Anyway on the tour I pointed out to Des that all it would take to destroy the place was not a couple of tonnes of semtex but one good hand grenade!
The guide had said each of the generators (which were mounted vertically) had to have a perfectly balanced rotor (all 17 tonnes of it) and I said that
a well thrown grenade into the top of the mounting would be all that was required to set it out of balance sending it hurtling out of sync (a trick I
learned in the machines labs of queens ;-) - not a very pleasant noise ensues which generally causes all lab technicians to come running towards
you - vaulting machines as they go - just in time for a large blue flash and white crack of thunder and lightning as the 1/4 inch busbars weld themselves
to the terminals blowing every fuse in the building - not that I ever did this of course but I saw it happen once - eh Paul?) anyway the resulting
force from one 17 tonne rotor smash hitting the other 9 in the room would probably wreck the place (the machine in queens was a foot in diameter ;-)).
So after this email I'll expect a rap on the door from the CIA.
Another interesting point about the electricity here (I studied electrical machines in my final year and power electronics so humour me here - Des was
impressed that I could design one of these things (or should that be theoretically could design one of these things bearing in mind that my power
electronics tutor gave up industrial life after a transformer he designed blew up and killed somebody!)) is that when the dam was built las vegas had
a population of 5000 so they only get about 2-3% of the electricity! Not that thats really interesting of course.
Still if you are interested in engineering and power generation/transmission (as all small boys my age are) then get down there to have a look - quite
amazing. In fact so amazing on seeing the photos one of the guys in work asked how we managed to get to the bottom to take the photos - we took the
lift says I.
So crossed over the bridge on the way to the Grand Canyon and on the other side of the Dam entered Arizona the third State on the trip.
Nothing much to say about our whizzing through Arizona really - huge, flat desert and most of it spent on the interstate. I say most because for the
last few hours we had been scanning the maps for Route 66 - we knew it was about here somewhere but couldnt find it. So bombing along the interstate we
had another one of those ABS moments for which the trip was becoming renouned! Look Route 66 lets take a detour for a couple of miles - we can
still reach the Canyon by dark and see it at sunup tomorrow - ok no probs. As we were driving into this wee village we passed over a railway bridge and
below was this double decker train - we watched it tail off into the distance and decided to get a photo - it took nearly 20 minutes to pass
under us - big train! Listen I dont care if you are bored it was a big thing
to us. Anyway we continued on into town looking for a route 66 sign so that I could
get my photo taken under it. (Like the photo I got in Norway when we whizzzed past (yep Des was driving again) a town called Hell. - definitely
had to get a photo there (as did we all) so if anyone ever tells me again to go to Hell I can say - been there done that, also we all could say we'd
been to Hell and back - oh the possibities are endless!)
So drove along Route 66 for a while and Des started laughing - ok whats so funny says I looking around for an Arizona Highway Patrol guy. Well says he
there is a cafe back there called the roadkill cafe.
What THE roadkill cafe says me
you've heard of it says Des.
ABS kicked in again - turned the car round and sure enough there was the Route 66 roadkill cafe! Right we're having lunch here says I.
This place is fabled - even having its own website (which did the email rounds in Nortel a few years ago and we all thought it was a pisstake - but
Michael explained to us all that you could cook everything you killed on the road there - class!)
Sure enough straight through the door was this huge big barbequeue style griddle thing, and sure enough the menu said that you could bring anything
in and cook it yourself - you could even buy steaks here and cook them yourself!
So to the menu- ha ha ha they have chihuaua burger (or whatever that horrible little scrawny dog is called). I must admit looking down the menu I
was a bit incredulous, then I looked round the room and saw the stuffed things on the wall included a couple of mountain lions and a salmon! Now how
the fuck could a salmon be roadkill -~I mean to say like....
So we ordered a couple of half pound aberdeen angus burgers - I pity the poor bastard who hit that - his pickup must have been totalled ;-)
So out and about this wee village you can see it used to be one of the main tourist attraction places before the interstate took over and route 66 was
left deserted - the closest to a real ghost town we came across and definitely a bit like East Anglia in some respects - you know the type of
place where your uncle is also your brother and your sister is your cousin and we're not talking about being members of the african-american race or
members of some funny religion!
So nothing much on the road to the canyon we needed to do the run at light speed and Des very nearly achieved it - lots of wee mountain towns - very
much the american towns of the movies with everything neatly in place and a soda fountain and those big yellow school buses. Quite nice actually -
wouldnt have minded stopping here for a night or two if we werent so rushed.
Anyway raced up to the Grand Canyon park and got to the park gates - Wheres the best place to see the canyon at sunset I squeaked to the attendant (we
were at altitiude again) - well sir sunset is in 35 minutes and the first place you come to is Mather Point - ok not quite what I had asked but
nevermind.
So we raced up to Mather Point - at 37 mph instead of the 25mph speed limit - at least that was the speed on the speed trap sign as we approached
it 10 seconds after I had seen it and dutifully kicked in the ABS again! A few nervous minutes until we realised it was there to have exactly that
effect on drivers!
We could get glimpses of the canyon through the trees of the car park and this nervous feeling started in my stomach. That sort of excited feeling you
get as a kid on Christmas Eve!
Well the car had hardly stopped rolling before we were out of it with backpacks full of camera gear. Then we were back in the car for the fleeces
as it was fucking freezing - about 0C to be exact and falling!
We walked over to the viewpoint and words cannot really describe the moment of seeing the Grand Canyon at sunset. We started whispering to each other
instead of talking - there have been a couple of places like that in the world I have been - inside the pyramids at giza - walking through the doors
of St Peters in Rome, standing in Red Square at 1am on a summer morning, watching the sun come up over the plains in Africa and this was every bit as
beautiful as those moments.
We stood there in almost silence with about 2 dozen other people slowing watching the rocks turn from a faded to a deep red and you could almost feel
them getting warmer. Conversation seemed pointless as we snapped away every few minutes.
I remember Paddy Kielty (the comedian) telling a story once about how he was doing a show down in Kerry and happened to be staying in the same hotel as
Neil Armstong ( the astronaut) - well apparently they checked in at the same time and this wee porter showed them both to their rooms. Apparently they go
to Neil Armstrongs room and this wee old man went in and pulled the curtains open to reveal a vista of the Kerry mountains down to the sea to which the
wee old man asked ' well Mr Armstrong have you ever seen a sight as beautiful as this?' to which Kielty thought - what about the Earth from the
Moon?
Why I remembered this I dunno something about seeing this and then seeing any other canyon again wouldnt be quite the same - it was like touring round
Europe with Peter - he wanted to go to every Cathedral we came across in every city - but after the Vatican and St Peters I thought we couldnt really
better that. OK some other places have their merits but when you've seen the best....
Anyway a couple of strange thoughts came over me - well not strange really - this is the warts and all bit I warned you about at the start.
I suddenly felt really calm and packed my cameras into my backpack and just watched the final rays of sunlight dipping below the horizon. I must have
looked funny cos Des came up to me and asked if I was alright and I said that I'd taken enough photos and that everything was alright.
Everything was alright and I knew then that everything would be allright. Every where I have been that has been remotely beautiful in the last four
years I have stood at moments like this really wishing that my ex-fiancee Yvonne was there with me to hold my hand and to share this moment with me.
Sometimes this had felt funny as I felt guiltly about feeling this with my good mates and/or family around me and that I should be sharing this with
them.
For the first time in all this time I didnt feel that at all but what I felt was that I was glad to be here myself, glad to be alive and able to witness
this when 2 years ago there was a point that neither Michael nor I thought I was ever going to see home and family again never mind be standing watching
a sunset over the Grand Canyon.
It was at this point I knew that although things with me physically could never be the same (and this trip was proof of that), that for the first time
in over 6 odd years I knew what it was like to be happy again. (those of you that know me well know the shit I have been through this last 6 years)
Just as simple as that - standing here doing nothing but watching the sun go down - life is as simple as that.
So standing there cold, tired, sore and hungry I havnt felt as alive in years. I then laughed to myself as all I had to do now was get home in one
piece but it was a happy laugh and I felt like saying something to Des but I remember the conversation with Micahel on the way to the football pitch in
Kenya and there was no way I was going to tempt fate like that as well.
It was a strange drive into the park village and I still wasnt too bothered about not being able to find somewhere to sleep that night! It definitely
felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders.
Anyway enough of the serious stuff on with the show.
So we had to drive back to Tusayan to try and find somewhere to sleep. (Tusayan was the only place within 150 miles of the canyon entrance so if we
didnt get anything there we were scuppered for the sunrise at 6am!) So after completely beaching the hire car whilst trying to get to a hotel reception -
dont ask (dont worry I managed to free the car by judicious use of the accelerator and ignoring the screetching of metal and odd thump from
underneath me) Anyway drove on for a bit with no red lights/alarms nothing we managed to get one of the last 2 rooms in Tusayan - 120 dollars in fact -
shite! still beggars cant be choosers and as we had driven for 12 hours - needed to be up at 4 120 dollars seemed like an absolute bargain.
So sat around the room for a while waiting for complete nightfall to head back to Mather point for a few night shots of the canyon. It was about -5
now and absolutely freezing yet still doughhead here was lying on the ground on the edge of the canyon for the perfect night shots and worse still
managing to persuade Des to do the same! Anyway I didnt really expect the photos to come out but was I surprised when they did!
So that was that headed back to the hotel via McDonalds (we were hungry as I dont think we had eaten out full 17000 calories that day!)
So as we had an early start the next day to catch the sunrise (well we had come all this way and also had nearly a
continuous 2 days travelling to get back and it seemed a shame to to waste this opportunity to get the sunrise
as well) we decided to hit the hay and get at least 4 hours sleep.
Hold on is that Rocky on HBO - havnt seen this in ages - but sure Rocky wins in the end says Des, no he doesnt says I he gets beaten on points by
Apollo - no Des says dont you remember he gets up just at the last minute as they were both on the floor - no says I that was Rocky 2, sure that was the
rematch - no Joe you're wrong - ok put some money on it then?
So after Rocky was beaten on points we both settled down for our 3 hours sleep!
Ok so spot the deliberate mistake in the previous message - the bit that I forgot to add in at the end telling you all
it was Boulder Colorado that Mork and Mindy was set ;-) See I'm not a complete idiot - only
half a one!
So up before the crack of dawn and off to the Canyon again to see the sun come up (after first checking under the car expecting to see pools
of oil, antifreeze, petrol and other such end of the trip signs!)
Still nothing wrong with the car! As Keith Floyd once said - you can keep your
landrovers, your cherokees, your isuzu troopers - nothing will go where a hire car will go.
So the receptionist warned me to be careful about the herds of deer and elk which would be running about the roads, licking the frost off the tarmac.
Again a perfectly logical statement which was greeted with a 'what the fuck did she just day - I heard the words and thought I put them in the right
order - nahhh'
So after skidding out on to the main road I realised it was indeed still about the -5C mark and everything was well and truly frozen.
Of course I drove carefully to the edge of the canyon - the speed limit thing only caught me doing 29 this time! At this point Des said - so is this
where Thelma and Louise was filmed then?
Eh? (my usual one word answers before a pint of coffee)
The bit where they drove off the cliff at the end?
Dunno (see what I mean)
Do you not remember?
Whatever...
So we parked up at the village - there is a bus service which starts a half hour before sun up to take you to the furthest point accessible on the south
rim. (strange it seemed that of the 140 miles of the Grand Canyon you could only drive along about 6 or 7 of them!
Anyway we walked about a mile or two before I gave up the ghost (I had been eating the painkillers since the second day in Vegas) and waited on the Bus
to take us to the furthest point. The views again were breathtaking only we got to see more of the canyon this time. As we were sitting on the bus for a
while we got chatting to the driver and asked him the best places - so as we were the only ones on the bus and that it only runs every half an hour he
did a personal taxi service for us (Despite the fact we were the only 2 on the bus and were sitting right behind him he still stopped at every stop and
called the names of the stops out over the PA system!) It would have all seemed a bit surreal except for the fact that there we were sitting on a bus
on the edge of the Grand Canyon rim, I had met up with a mate who I hadnt seen in nearly a year - he had flown in from Venezuela, we had just left
friends in Vegas who had just flown in from home, had left them for a day or two and then were going to meet up in a day or sos time to get a helicopter
ride back to close to this spot.
In fact there seemed very little normal at all!
So we came across a couple of dogs barking - apparently they have a problem with stray dogs attacking the wildlife - what had happened was that 2 dogs
had chased this big Elk to the edge of the Canyon and had cornered it - poor big thing had nowhere to go except 5000 feet down at a section
affectionately known as the Abyss. Anyway the driver had summoned the sheriff who had just arrived with high powered rifles in hand to deal out
some summary justice to the mutts!
Anyway the bus had scared the dogs off and all was well, so we left the sheriff and what I assumed was his deputy heading out into the bushes
hunting those dirty dawgs!
Funny didnt see any horses tied up at the corral - only a large black and white!
So got to the end of the Canyon trail and there were a group of guys and girls sitting down with rucksacks about to head off (or so it looked) down
into the Canyon. One of the girls (quite cute looking although I'm not influenced by that sort of thing was sitting down writing something - so of
course muggins here had to go over and say hello - now how was I to know it was here last will and testament she was writing. Ok it wasnt but faced with
a day trek down to the Abyss I'm damn sure it would have been mine. anyway she looked up with that sort of please help me kind stanger look but my days
of white knighting it are long gone - too many occasions where I've had to dig the rest of my broken lance out of my arse!
So off she disappeared into the sunrise... story of my life really ;-)
(Anybody mentions furniture at this point Mr Noble and I'll break your legs ;-))
So went over to the coffee shop for a coffee and it was closed - bloody liberty it was 7:45 after all - the bus driver returned to tell us that we
were the only ones on the Canyon this early - so much for getting up to avoid the rush!
Still if we hadnt done it we would always have wondered!
So headed back to the car and in case you are wondering from the photos - yes it was bloddy freezing and yes I did have a couple of layers of clothes
on - not just a symptom of the all you can eat buffets in Vegas!
So we headed off to the far end of the Canyon (the road to the North point was closed because of snow) and decided after stopping off at the watchtower
that we would head for monument Valley - should reach there in about 5 hours driving. (this was the hard driving section of the holiday!)
One minor point about the naming of things in the Canyon - it seemed as though every major religion on earth had had something in the Canyon named
after it - I suppose it comes with the territory as the first thing I said when I saw it was Jesus Christ! I dont think holy fuck point would have been
a good tourist attraction.
So places named after Apollo, Venus, Jupiter, Sheba, Vishnu, Rama, Krishna,
Wotan, Brahma, Zoroaster, Buddha, Isis, Ra, Osiris etc etc etc all sort of convey the overwhelming feeling that I felt at this place that there was a
God (whatever you care to call it) because something special had created this place. Ok I'd also consider myself an engineer and it can easily be
explained by erosion - but there is that wee something in the back of my head which said - you never know.
Well that wee something had already shown on the trip - we had stopped for a pit stop (ok piss stop actually) in the middle of the desert outside Death
Valley and we both got out our respective sides of the car and answered natures call. I returned to the car and Des was nowhere to be seen - in the
middle of the fecking desert he had disappeared. Now any rational human being would have said - oh there must be a depression or gulley in the sand
over there and thats where he is - did I think that - oh no.
I dont know if it was being in the desert or this close to Area 51, or having watched close encounters one too many times but my first thought -
fuck Des has been abducted by aliens.
My second thought was how on earth I was going to explain this to his ma
My third thought was - can I just dump his rucksack here then - save on my weight restriction on the plane on the way home.
My fourth thought was - oh here he comes dont ever tell him this!
The trip to Monument Valley was pretty unspectacular on the whole - lots of desert as far as the eye can see with loads of long straight roads into the
mountains! Most of it was through injun territory - sorry through the Indian Reservations - it was a bit of a sad sight (for me although I didnt really
know what to expect) the indian folk living in trailers in this dusty windswept backwater - I began to wonder wether this was originally their
tribal lands or wether this was the land the US government decided to give them after all the good farming land had been taken.
We pulled into a wee barren place for lunch and had a look round - there was
a supermarket here which I would have easily compared to those I have seen in poorer regions of the world (like the carribbean, china, africa and
believe it or not Russia). The place seemed entirely inhabited by indians (funny that for a reservation) but most of them were very overweight and to
be honest a lot of them looked like they had problems with alcohol - again classic descriptions of the poorer people and exactly what I had read about
the indian reservations. I oonce had a long chat with a director of mine from Nortel America who was originally from Guyana - a committed Christian
he was firmly anti-alcohol having seen what it had done to the indiginous people from his country who used to make this lethal rum mixture called
bush-wine or something like that.
The whole indian reservation thing whilst I had thought it would have been a highlight (which it was) left me with an empty feeling of sadness really. I
was quite surprised because in monument valley there were these shacks by the side of the road which turned out to be handicraft shops and restaurants
of sorts. Again these shanty affairs would not have looked out of place in the far east or africa. However one difference occured to me - whenever you
enter a place like this you are invariably greeted by the salesperson who at the drop of a haggling stick will let you barter them down from the
ridiculous price they suggested. You are informed they 'will give you special price' - same phrase all over the world, and after they give you
some sob story about having to feed their families that month - you hand over the equivalent of a months local salary for some wooden, amber (ok
plastic as it turned out but you all know that story ;-)) trinket as a unique souvenir of the trip. And as you bought it from a local you go away
happy in the knowledge that the money went to the locals not the over inflated bank account of the foreign company who runs the gift shop at duty
free! Well there was none of that - I was looking to buy a bow and arrows or even
a tomahawk type thing to go with my Kenyan sword and shield (and my future samurai sword) - dont even ask.
But the sales folk didnt even come near you - maybe I didnt look like I was going to part with any dosh but lets be honest any decent salesperson would
have seen I had an addiction that needed fed!
I came away with an empty feeling really - more than the usual fuck I've just spent 25 quid on a plastic dragon or 20 quid on a wooden rhino for my
ma - cant put my finger on it but I was glad to get away from the place in a sad sort of way.
Monument Valley itself was superb - another highlight. Again I'm lost for words to describe the scene but before singing Danny Boy was my party piece
I used to sing Mull of Kintyre.
One of the lines in it seemed quite apt 'past painted deserts, the sunsets on fire' I never really knew what that
line meant or where the emphasis in the past painted was - whether it be deserts previously painted or painted deserts. I think he meant the latter.
The clouds looked like they had been painted on a clear blue canvas and the whole thing looked like a roadrunner cartoon - again long road leading into
the Valley - absolutely superb.
It was quite surreal though it was as if you were driving along the road with this mural painted by the side of it and that it wasnt really real at
all! I remember my da talking about this place and what westerns were set here - strange though as he would never
set foot here himself, I had to take it all in and relay it to him through my eyes. Another strange
moment and another highlight.
All too briefly we sped on through the desert, having made it this far it was now nearly a night and day drive back to Vegas barring trouble.
We drove on though a village Mexican Hat, I thought this was famous for something, We passed the Mexican Hat rock and sure enough it was a rock
shaped like a Mexican sombrero sitting on another rock on top of a big rock!
We didnt stop for photos!
We then headed off to some valley or other - all southern Utah seems to have these beautifully painted canyons and high vistas and stuff like that but we
at vista and painted canyon overkill. Although the quickest way back to Vegas was through Mexican Hat down through Boulder (yes another one!) and then the
freeway to Vegas - what could be simpler - overnight somewhere near boulder and bobs your uncle.
Pulling out of Mexican Hat Village we headed off towards some high cliffs.... and headed towards them then still headed towards them.
Umm wheres the road says I - dunno says Des - its here on the map!
Then we came across the sign saying - end of road - unpaved and dangerous for the next 35 miles!
Fuck was that an understatement. All you could see was 100 yards of road in front of you then sky. the road was carved out of the cliff face in
switchbacks a car width! Thank God we never met anyone coming the other way - but to be perfectly honest who would have been that stupid. This
really was amazing - if I hadnt been shitting myself so much I'd have looked out at the view! We went from gound level to 5000 feet in less than 300
yards horizontal distance! You had to slow down when you didnt see road any more just to find out where the turns where and a few times we stopped on
the apex of some of the bends as from sitting in the car you couldnt see where the road went.
Then of course there was the driving along the ridge bit at the very top -
there was one section where we stopped as you could see the road 50 yards ahead and 300 yards ahead but only sky underneath!
Scary but exhilarating - you could feel the exhilaration running down the inside of your leg.
Anyway time was pressing on we pushed on and had dinner in Boulder. That too was a surreal experience - a wee diner in off the main road you had to drive
down a dirt track too. You walk in and all these folk turn and look at you - howdy! - they are not impressed.
Lots of folk who looked related to each other were sitting having dinner.
Lets not stop here too long was the look we exchanged - so we ate another 10000 calories and got the fuck out of Dodge!
So pulling out of Boulder I had a look at the map and compared it with the terrain around us as it was getting dark.
Jesus said I, I'm glad the road we are on isnt that one that goes over the pass there - we were at 7000 feet and there was an absolute snowstorm on the
mountains ahead of us at 11,000 feet.
Sure enough 4000 feet later we were driving though the blizzard with no snow chains - I had that sinking feeling that it would be June before they found
our bodies! There were about 4 cars who passed us - all in 4x4s each one had that faraway 'crazy darned tourists - gonna get theirsels killed' look.
So we drove on slowly through the snowstorm and the night - finally reaching another expensive hotel in the arse hole of nowhere - well it was the only
choice we had and they had rooms - It was around midnight when we pulled in and we had virtually been driving from 6am - which put us about 4-5 hours
from Vegas.
And guess what - the local town had a mall! Yee ha I feel some spending coming on.
So no probs - first thing tomorrow reconfirm my flight, get us a hotel in Vegas - shouldnt be too difficult on a Weds night oh yeah and find out where
the fuck we are in southern Utah!