parodies

I've always been amazed by the facility with which some people produce songs and tunes out of their heads. I have no such facility, but a lifetime of singing daft little songs to existing tunes - usually because I had no idea what the real words were, or because I wanted to impress the cat - has resulted in the occasional passable parody:-

A lament for my teeth

"Ah Could Chew"
after Ed Pickford

When I was young me teeth were fine,
Ee Aye, ah could chew,
I was chewin' all the time.
Now mi chewin' days are through, through,
Now mi chewin days are through.

Off the plate the beef did flee,
Now that beef's too tough for me.

I ate cakes as 'ard as stones,
How me teeth did meet through those rock-hard scones.

I grew marrows and ate them,
I chewed their skins, I chewed their stems.

With ginger-nuts you'll not see me,
Not unless I dunk 'em in me tea!

And since I wrote it one of these has gone!

The glorious leader of the famous BACCApipes folk club (Jenny Scott) has always worried over what happened to the horse in Annan Water, after her master perished, so I "found" this final verse :-

The horse's envoi

The mare she waited by the bank,
She waited long as she was able,
And then she thought “I’ve been stood up,
I’m going back to my nice stable”.
And she went back the long way round,
No moor or moss or mire for her,
For horses they have got horse sense,
Not the histrionics men prefer.
When she got back she was well fed,
Her mane and tail with ribbons dressed,
And of Annan Waters she thought this:-
“For me it turned out for the best”.

crystal sets
sharks