"Born on a mountain top in Tennessee,
Greenest state in the land of the free.
Raised in the woods so's he knew every tree,
Killed him a bear when he was only three."

Well, my opinion is, that if your biography doesn't start out that way, then who the hell is going to be interested? So rather than bore you with a load of  "born to middleclass parents blah blah" I think I'll just regail you with the odds and ends  of my life ....

1945 .. mistakenly born in Cumberland - (I mean my father was a Yorkshireman, what could he have been thinking of?).. 1946 .. pushed up Great Gable by father in push chair (me that is).. 1947 .. rescued from snowdrift by Uncle George.. 1948 ... broke gas mantle in kitchen - yes we had gas lights ... 1949 .. discovered Glitter Wax .. 1950 .. dribbled on Gordon Kilner ..1951 .. entranced by Festival of Britain stamp - still got it!.. 1952 .. scarlet fever - from which stems my abiding love of the "wireless" and the "Home Service" , sorry Radio 4 .. 1953 .. failed to make working steam engine out of treacle tin ... 1954 .. given first dog Gypsy .. 1958 .. discover girls (wow, they're sooo great).. 1959 .. Ponny Dyson throws my ruler down school lavatory .. 1962 .. promoted sergeant major .. 1963 .. lost in last Manchester smog .. 1966 .. see first light show - oil drops, wow.. 1968 .. mistakenly awarded degree (for trying or maybe being trying) .. 1970 .. meet George 3 .. 1975 .. paint friend's bike yellow, and underlying path.. 1976 .. mother dies ..1978 .. lost in Greece , found by Finns .. 1980 .. drink far too much vodka .. 1983 .. live next door to ex-residence of Holmfirth tiger (or residence of ex-Holmfirth tiger?).. 1985 .. highjacked by cat-woman .. 1986 .. an orphan .. 1989 .. dig pond(s) .. 1992 ..life in basement in Bristol with two gay guys, a mad girl and various nefarious life forms.. 1995 .. awarded medal of KLMs (see below).. 1996 ..break into song ..  2000 .. Smudge n' Tabs ... 2001 Retina falls out of right eye, glued back by chinaman ... 2005 Sing like mad .... 2006 Get first permanent job for 30 years, aged 60 ... 2008 Still kicking!