[Thursday, 01st] The Royal Institution Xmas Lectures [19:15, Channel 5] Prof. Bishop did the Internet, starting with how to exchange secret messages. He went on to the use of quantum computers to find the key of such a message and reduce Internet congestion by avoiding downloads of duplicated information.
The Bill [20:00, Granada] PC Tony got involved with a down & out, who was suspected of bashing a woman found in his shelter. But he turned out to be an ex-fireman with problems and Amanda was being pursued by a money lender, who was eventually busted for ABH and attempted rape. And George ended up in rehab.
Jonathan Creep [The Grinning Man, 21:00, BBC 1] featured a locked room mystery from 1938 at a big house called Metropolis, and a rather dreadful portrait by Mr. Bosch. Adam's TV show was trashed with on-screen messages and he ended up swindled by a 3D-porn scam. Mr. Creep met Nicola, who'd thought him dead for the last 5 years, but ended up working with Joey, who debunked psychic stuff on her website.
   Lance, the son of the woman who owned Metropolis, had a magic act. His assistant was kidnapped but Joey went sleuthing and saw Lance murder her. But the body had disappeared when the police arrived. JC came up with a murder plot with Nazi connections. JC & Joey spent a night in the Nighmare room without disappearing.
   The police got a tourist's video proving that the dead woman was still alive, but JC worked out how that had been done. JC made the bath connection and saved Joey from a watery fate. He also saved Lance's accomplice on the local paper. At the end, Nicola went off with Joey's absentee boyfriend and Lance's mum decided everything was her fault and burnt the picture.
ECW Late Night [23:00, Sky Sports 3] Mizrabul & Nitro messed with Finlay, the LGB and the Boogerman. Matt Hardy had another go at Mark Henry and suffered a lot of crunching until Swagger joined in and got Henry DQ'd. Paul Burchill versus DJ Gabriel was a Brits' bashing match and DJ was allowed to keep his winning streak going (against competent opposition for once).
   Finally, Finlay & the Boogerman took on Mizrabul & Nitro. It was no DQ so that the LGB could join in. Finlay got a good pounding and ended up pinned. Then Nitro suffered some retribution. And no one was wormed.

[Friday, 02nd] The Royal Institution Xmas Lectures [19:15, Channel 5] Prof. Bishop started with pattern recognition, something which computers find difficult because they can't be given a set of rules for the job. Cue machine learning, and strap on probability theory as a means of expressing uncertainty, to help a computer tell cats from dogs.
Prog at the BBC [21:00, BBC 4] was a festival of the progressive rock bands of the 1970s; a performance with informative captions featuring The Nice, the Moody Blues, Jethro Tull, Wishbone Ash, Atomic Rooster, Family, Yes, ELP, Soft Machine, Caravan, Genesis & King Crimson with the younger selves of familiar pop presenters like Sir Jim, Whispering Bob & Annie Nightingale.
WW$mackDown! [22:00, Sky Sports 3] Vickie Guerrero delivered a Happy New Year! with help from HHH. The Edge clones versus Finlay & Khali was going only one way. Jesse & Festus versus Kendrick & Jackson was usual rubbish from the scriptwriter. Koslov versus Hurricane Helms was another obvious lost cause. The Vault: Kennedy versus Batista. Some Royal Rumble plot.
   Michell McUncool zapped another of her 'pals'. Kizarny from the Carnival versus LVP was an active affair aimed at a debut win for the guy from the Karny and an extension of the famous losing streak. Finally, Edge & Big Show versus the Hardys went on for about 10 minutes before Big Show walked out and left Edge to be demolished.

[Saturday, 03rd] Mythbusters [19:00, Discovery] Will an oven full of ammo fill a kitchen full of flying lead? Adam & Jamie found that everything from a .22 round up will go through a glass oven door, but only when fired from a gun. It's the case of a cartridge, not the bullet, which does the damage but nothing from even a naked .50 calibre round will escape from the oven. But a bullet in a gun left in an oven is deadly, so that part of the myth confirmed.
   The Juniors investigated whether red upsets bulls and found that white, blue and red flags upset them, but only if waved. Tori, dressed in red, was quite safe if he stood still. What about a bull in a china shop? The Juniors were amazed to watch bulls running between their shelves of china & avoiding them! Busted.
   Bullets in a camp fire? Anyone nearby would end up bloody but not dead. An aerosol turned into a rocket and a quarter-full beer keg went off like a bomb but no shrapnel. But probably lethal.
Apocalypse Earth [20:00, National Geographic] What will the Earth look like in the future? In 50 million years, Africa will collide with Europe to raise mountains where the Mediterranean is now. 150 million years in the future, the Pacific Ring of Fire will have shifted to the Atlantic, and Africa & America will have been pulled together. 250 million years from now, the drifting continents will have formed a new land mass, similar to Pangaea of 250 million years ago, but with the Indian Ocean at its heart.
   The new continent will have Death Valley temperatures in places and vast deserts in areas thousands of miles from the sea. There will be drenching rain in other areas. There will be hot seas with a very low oxygen content and lots of hurricanes which will make Katrina look trivial. And most of the life on Earth will be wiped out on and around Pangaea Proxima. Cheerful prospect!
Live NFL: Wildcard Weekend, episode 1: The Falcons in Arizona. The Cardinals were stopped but Ryan's 3rd play was picked by 20. James did some solid running then a huge flea-flicker from Warner to Fitzgerald in traffic gave the Cards a TD. 56 & 92 of the Cards both got 1st quarter sacks.
   The Falcons put a drive together in the 2nd quarter but managed only a FG. 3-7. On a Cards' 3rd & 9, Boldin took a pass 71 yards for a TD! 3-14. The Falcons came back passing but finished the drive with a TD run by Turner. 10-14. Then a deflected pass went to Jackson of the Falcons and Ryan found Peelle with a go-ahead TD pass. 17-14.
   The Cards' stripped a hand-off to Turner, the ball flew to Rolle and he galloped 27 yards for a dead easy TD. 17-21. While the Defences dominated, the Cards missed a FG try but they topped off a good drive with a TD run by Hightower. 17-28. Cromartie picked a deep pass by Ryan but the Cards got nowhere. A punt pinned the Falcons deep and a sack by Smith in the end zone gave the Cards a safety. 17-30.
   The Cards blew up on penalties with 8 minutes left. The Falcons pulled of a big pass play to Norwood on a 4th & 6 and a TD for White got them close at 24-30 with 4 minutes left. The Cardinals hung on to the ball, made the Falcons use their time outs, and the Cardinals won their first home play-off match since 1947!

[Sunday, 04th] NFL Special, Wildcard highlights [started 08:00, Sky Sports 2] Episode 2: The Colts at the Panthers was pretty even steven in the first half, with the Panthers 10-14 up at half time. The Colts began to use quick snaps and caught the Panthers out several times; finally with a 61 yard TD for Wayne. 17-14.
   The Chargers lost 2 scoring chances to a fumble at the goal line, which was recovered in the end zone by the Colts for a touch back, then an interception in the end zone. The Chargers' defense held up, stopped the Colts and gave the offense a chance to kick a FG to send the match into overtime.
   The Chargers started, the Colts surrendered three 1st downs via penalties, the Chargers made FG range but it was a TD run by Sproles wot wun it 17-23.
NFL Sunday [18:00, Sky Sports 3] The Ravens in Miami. The Ravens started but Porter recovered a fumble at midfield for the Dolphins. Hobbs collected a 40 yard pass but the drive ended with a FG. 0-3. With no pass rush on Flacco, the Ravens replied with a FG. 3-3. Leonhard intercepted Pennington but the Miami defense held up. Reed ran his first interception back 57 yards for a TD. And the Ravens added a FG to their tally at the end of the half for a score of 13-3.
   Washington made the Ravens' 3rd interception, but no points off the turnover. Price got a sack on Pennington then the Ravens recovered a fumble and sent McClain to the end zone for a TD. 20-3. The Dolphins enjoyed some success passing; but Reed stopped them with his 2nd pick. But no points.
   The Dolphins managed a TD pass to Brown at the start of the 4th quarter. 20-9 after the PAT was blocked. Then the defenses dominated, the Ravens ate up the clock and Flacco got to run for a killer TD. 27-9 with less than 4 minutes left. The Ravens administered a gang sack and Miami eventually went down & out on downs.
Next, the Eagles @ Minnesota. The Eagles punted. So did the Vikings and Jackson returned the kick 62 yards to set up a FG. 3-0. A 26 yard run by Buckhalter set up a 51-yard FG by Akers. 6-0. 4 minutes into the 2nd quarter, Peterson got the Vikings started with a 40 yard TD run. 6-7.
   A FG restored the Eagles' lead at 9-7. Then Saumuel intercepted Jackson and ran the ball back 45 yards for a TD. 16-7. A 27 yard pass to Berrian set up a 3 yard TD run by Peterson. 16-14. A pick by Griffin on a daft pass play ended the Eagles' hopes of scoring again before half time.
   Kleinsasser made some big gains, but no points for the Vikings. The Eagles dug themselves out of a hole but punted after a sack. The Vikings went 3 & out. Allen stripped the ball from McNabb but no points from the turnover.
   In the 4th quarter, the Vikings challenged a touchback ruling after a punt and made the Eagles start at their 4. The next Eagles drive ended with a screen pass to Westbrook, who went 41 yards, with the help of great blocking, to a TD. 23-14. After an exchange of punts, the Eagles recovered a bad Vikings' snap and went on to settle things with a 45 yard FG after the 2 minute warning. 27-14 Eagles to finish.

[Monday, 05th] Scrapheap Challenge [18:00, Discovery Science] The Yellow team built a trebuchet, which the expert thought was well designed, and the Orange team went for a mangonel, which didn't meet the expert's approval. But when it came to hurling vegetables at castles with the siege engines, the Orange team won easily.
Scrapheap Challenge [19:00, Discovery Science] The teams had to build pulling machines for a tug of war. The Orange team had a job finding two tractor wheels and there was controversy over the 'locked differential' issue, which was the Yellow team's strategy. When it came to the crunch, the Yellows won the first pull easily because the Orange engine packed up.
   The second pull was a stand-still between 2 perfectly matched machines until the Yellow engine packed up. And when the Orange gearbox blew up in the 3rd round, that was a win for the Yellows and the differential issue turned out to be irrelevant.
Magic's Biggest Secrets Finally Revealed [20:00, ITV 4] The Masked Magician showed us how to: 1. Survive an industrial buzz saw; 2. Vanish a toothpick; 3. Cut & restore a rope; 4. Vanish a lady assistant; 5. Push a coin through a sheet of high-tech rubber; 6. Turn a car containing 2 photos into a sports car containing the 2 girls; 7. Levitate a drinks can; 8. Vanish a string quartet; 9. Push a metal cap through the bottom of a glass bottle; and 10. Pass through a stack of solid steel containers from side to side.

[Tuesday, 06th] Scrapheap Challenge [18:00, Discovery Science] Build a set of diving gear, which will let a lucky team member survive 20 feet down while recovering 'treasure'. The Yellows went for a high tech lever pump and a diving bell while the Oranges built a fragile set of bellows before finding a compressor for their helmet. The Orange diver built up a big lead, but blew it and let the Yellows win.
Scrapheap Challenge [19:00, Discovery Science] Build an off-road buggy for a race on rough terrain. The Oranges got organized while the Yellows were a shambolic. As the build time ran out, the Oranges were in desperate trouble with their engine but a bit of push-starting got them going. And it wasn't the engine which broke down, it was their drive chain. So an easy win for the Yellows, who lead the series 3-1.
Speed 2:Cruise Control (1997) [21:00, E4] Annie, on the way to failing her driving test, becomes involved in a shambolic police ambush involving Alex, her boyfriend. She complains that she knows nothing about him so he takes her on a Caribbean cruise. Surprise! Mr. Geiger, who designed the ship's computer system and who was fired by his company when he got sick, is aboard and planning to steal a multi-million dollar collection of jewellery. Alex, meanwhile, is looking for an opportunity to propose to Annie.
   Geiger takes over the ship's computer and persuades the first officer to evacuate the ship. Of course, Annie, Alex, some of the crew and some of the passengers are left behind. Geiger runs rings around Alex and sets the ship on a collision course with an oil tanker. So there are frantic attempts to slow it down and change the course. Geiger leaves the ship with Annie as his prisoner.
   The ship hits a town on an island instead of the tanker, so lots of destruction. Alex has to rescue Annie from Geiger's plane, which ends up spiked on the mast of the tanker, dripping fuel. So the tanker & Geiger go up in a massive fireball. And Alex proposes to Annie at the end.

[Wednesday, 07th] Scrapheap Challenge [18:00, Discovery Science] Build a powerboat to rescue team mates from an island. The Oranges collected loads of propellors and designed a catamaran while the Yellows remained propellorless and planless. The Yellows eventually built a boat around a jet-ski propulsion system. They went steaming off into the distance while the Oranges struggled to steer. But when the Yellows had to resort to paddling, they were disqualified.
Scrapheap Challenge [19:00, Discovery Science] Build a rocket to take Robert's snow dome high into the air with a safe landing. The Oranges found the more powerful motor so the Yellows had to build smaller. Their rocket shot 1,468 feet up but the snow dome was in pieces because the parachute didn't work. The Oranges managed only 1,034 feet, but their flight was a total success. So the series finished 3-3.
The Bill [20:00, Granada] A nanny reported a baby missing, so Sun Hill's finest did lots of thrashing around, then focussed on a carpenter & his wife. He said it wasn't an abduction before going "no comment". His wife vanished with a kid; but it turned out that they were involved in an unofficial adoption.
   The missing baby girl's young cousin aimed PC Stamp at the dodgy nanny's ex-boyfriend, Simon Baxter, who looked like a kidnapper. He also took refuge in "no comment". The trail of his movements ended in the woods with the baby's body. More to come.
Taggart (with graphic violence from the outset) [Island, 21:00, Granada] DCI Burke & Co. had to investigate what looked like a ritual murder on an island full of weirdos and bolshy buggers. The mutilated body turned out to be linked to a drug smuggling operation from Brazil involving bad guys tossing cocaine off ships near the island. A self-confessed member of the gutter press turned out to be part of the gang, and he did in one of the local fishermen with torture.
   The bad guy went after the vicar, who turned out to have kidnapped a drug shipment as part of a shake-down operation. He wanted a cut for the island. The bad guy took the lady who ran the pub prisoner, DI Ross & DS Jackie contronted him in the church and the bad guy obligingly blew his own head off.

[Thursday, 08th] Scrapheap Challenge [18:00, Discovery Science] The teams had to build a flying machine. The Yellows found some old wings and went for a rigid glider with a canard at the front. The Greens opted for a hang glider. Both teams used a winch for their launch. The Yellows needed a lot more flying practice than 3 tows offered and stayed in the air only for a couple of seconds. The Greens managed all of 5 seconds.
Scrapheap Challenge [19:00, Discovery Science] Two new teams had to build a cannon. The Reds chose to use black powder and a gun with a breech plug. The Purples from the army used cordite and a floating breech. The Red gun fired cannon balls at 600 mph and their 2nd & 3 shots both hit the target. The Purple projectiles got stuck in the barrel on the first 2 runs and the barrel was severely reduced in length when they tried again with grape shot, which left the barrel at an impressive 850 mph but left the target completely untouched!
The Bill [20:00, Granada] Simon eventually admitted that he'd buried the dead baby to protect Anna but he had no idea how the baby had died. The Super couldn't see how the stolen laptop & gold watch fitted in with Simon's story. The police eventually found that Clare, the serial worrier of a mother, had sneaked home from a party, to which her husband had dragged her, during the night.
   Clare said she parked outside the house. Anna was suspected of child abuse but her complaints were about Clare being a pain, not the baby. Clare did a runner, she was busted for murder and she confessed. But the post mortem showed that the baby had died of natural causes. So all that messing about was for nothing.
Megastructures [21:00, National Geographic] The world's biggest shredder cost $12 million, it crunches 350 tons of metal per hour and the whole site at Newport shudders when it's eating scrapped cars. As usual, the programme makers were looking for disasters, and lo! The shredder broke down with a huge ship approaching Newport docks. And when they got the shredder going, the bloody dockside crane broke down! Sabotage by Nat Geo?
   The programme also included lots on recycling on a smaller scale, as looking at the shredder for an hour would have been dead boring, and amazed the audience with piles of scrap metal worth millions of dollars.
WW$ Raw [22:00, Sky Sports 3] Loadsa jawing & plot to start. Goldust & Melina versus Santino & Glamzilla was a bashing for Santino & humiliation for Glamzilla. Punk versus Regal was low comedy with a nasty edge rather than a serious title bout. Mizrabul & Nitro versus Mysterio & Kofi was more leaping about and dirty deeds with no prospect of the tag titles changing hands.
   Jillian 'sang' her way to the ring for her match with Kelly Kelly, and was flattened. Then Kane joined in for some script stuff. Rhodes & Snuka versus Cryme Tyme was about the first 2 having to win to stay in Orton's gang; although quite why anyone would want to have anything to do with such a talentless pain in the butt was never explained.
   Finally, Jericho & Orton versus Cena & HBK was all about whether Michaels would do the dirty on Cena for Bradshaw (script, who cares?). Lots of ham acting by the contestants, especially Cena, Jericho & Orton were both booted, and Cena wasn't.

[Friday, 09th] ECW Late Night [00:00, Sky Sports 3] Finlay versus Swagger took a detour out of the ring when the LGB got involved. Then it was back to business; Finlay being bashed for most of the 20 minutes and Swagger's unbeaten streak untroubled. Katie Lea versus Alicia was quite entertaining.
   The Boogerman did his thing with a stooge, who was pounded & wormed. Finally, Matt Hardy versus Mark Henry yet again. The guys kept things going for quite a long time, Tony Atlas tried to join in and was felled. And Henry had to lie down and be pinned yet again.
Scrapheap Challenge [18:00, Discovery Science] Build an amphibious vehicle. The Reds put floats and a propellor on a Land Rover, the Blues from the Navy put wheels on the roof of a Transit van and gave it an aircraft propellor for propulsion. But they collided with the Reds when they went into the water, started to sink and their propellor began to hit the water. So the Blues had to paddle while the Reds stormed to victory.
Scrapheap Challenge [19:00, Discovery Science] Build a land yacht. The Dark Blues went for a catamaran design with 2 sails. Unfortunately, they positioned them so that one sail blocked the other, and they didn't get too far. The Orange team went for a huge mast with a mighty sail, which one of the team set on fire! Their mighty mast bent but they were able to keep going, especially when they had the wind behind them, and won easily.
NCIS Season 5 [Bury Your Dead] Tony was stuck with his girlfriend and her dad, who's the arms dealer La Grenouille, the director's prime target for killing her father. And the Frog knew that Tony was from NCIS. The Director told McGee to track Tony and the team watched Tony's car blow up. The Director admitted to Gibbs that she had sent Tony deep undercover without telling him.
   Dr. Duckie proved that the crisped corpse in the car wasn't Tony. Mr. Court of the CIA turned up, chucking his weight about, and got short shrift. Tony returned to NCIS to report that the Frog had dropped him off and the Frog wanted to turn himself in to NCIS. Abby's research showed that someone had been bombing arms dealers and the Frog's daughter was the target of the bomb in Tony's car.
   The Frog turned up in the Director's office and said another arms dealer was after him because he was the CIA's creature. The Director told him to get lost. More digging turned up a boat, which the Frog had been using. But NCIS found no one aboard. Mainly because La Grenouille was floating in the sea nearby with a bullet in his head.
WW$mackDown! [22:30, Sky Sports 3] HHH had a tables match with Nitro, the contestants wasted a lot of time setting up more and more tables, and Nitro eventually went through one. Then Chavo chucked HHH through a table. Shelton Benjamin took a good pounding from Undertaker before crunching the Dead Man's left leg. But a Tombstone finished him off.
   The scriptwriter has cooked up some hit-and-run car story for Jeff Hardy. Victoria & Michelle Uncool versus the Bella twins was all about setting Victoria up to be assaulted by Michelle. The Vault: Edge versus Cena. HHH had to sort out Chavo & Mizrabul in a handicap match next. Predictably, Chavo chickened out and Mizr was crunched.
   MVP had a chat with Kennedy, who also isn't doing any work, then the Boogerman flattened MVP, who wasn't wormed. Kendrick & Jackson versus Carlito & Primo was lots of action and lots of sneaky stuff, but the champs held on to their belts and Kendrick was crunched.
   Finally, HHH had a last man standing match with Big Show. H3 took a good pounding from the world's largest athlete and he ended up lifeless on the announce table.

[Saturday, 10th] Mission To Mars (2000) [17:55, ITV 4] Four astronauts are attacked by a whirlwind cum hoover on Mars. Cue a rescue mission, which turns into a disaster in Martian orbit and one of the 4 rescuers is killed. There is one survivor, Luke, from the first mission. He's a bit crazy and he's found an alien statue in the form of a giant head! Jim, one of the rescuers, who would have been on the first mission if his wife hadn't died, decides that sounds being played by the head are a test.
   Jim, Luke and Terri (a lady boffin) pass the test and open a doorway in the head. They learn that Mars was hit by a monster rock and the Martians went out into space. They also seeded Earth with life and one Martian stayed behind. There's a ship in the head and it's counting down to a launch. So Jim goes with the ship and the rest go back to Earth in the ERV.
Magic's Biggest Secrets Finally Revealed [20:00, ITV 4] How to: 1. Make an assistant disappear; 2. Do the rising card effect; 3. Levitate an assistant without wires; 4. Uncrush and refill a drinks can; 5. Chop an assistant into 3 pieces; 6. Capture a spirit in a hankie; 7. Fill a costume with an assistant; 8. Stick a long needle through your arm; and 9. Make an elephant appear in the middle of a car park.
NFL Special [21:30, Sky Sports 2] The Ravens @ the Titans. It was raining in Nashville, the punters had lots to do and rushing was tough. Collins was able to pass but the Titans opened the scoring with a TD run by Johnson. 0-7. Flacco replied with a 50 yard TD pass to Mason on a 3rd & 13. 7-7.
   Johnson continued to rush but the Titans blew up in the 2nd quarter on a 4th down out of FG range when Collins dropped the snap. Johnson & Gage gained ground during the next Titans' drive but Suggs got a sack and Rolle intercepted Collins in the end zone. The next Titans' drive ended with a fumble. The Titans dominated the first half stats, but they were killing themselves with penalties & turnovers.
   More rain in the 3rd quarter and Johnson was out, injured. Bironas missed a FG try for the Titans when a challenge by the Ravens had a pass completion wiped out and made a 46-yard kick into a 51-yarder. The rain was off when Leonhard returned a Titans' punt to their 41. Flacco found Clayton in double coverage at the TT 3 and Stover kicked a FG in the 4th quarter. 10-7.
   White & Gage made ground but another Titans' fumble went to the Ravens. The Titans levelled the scores at 10 with a FG with 4:23 left. The Ravens got away with letting the play clock run out, the Titans gave up their 12th penalty inside the 2 minute warning and a 43 yard FG put the Ravens ahead 13-10. With 53 seconds left, the Titans went out on downs. A solid performance by the Ravens and the Titans threw away their scoring chances.

[Sunday, 11th] NFL Special [10:30, Sky Sports Xtra] The Cardinals @ the Panthers, highlights. Jones returned the kick off 49 yards to midfield, Williams rushed for 30 yards and a TD run by Stewart put the Panthers 0-7 ahead. Warner tossed a pass 31 yards to Fitzgerald but the Cardinals punted after a sack by Lewis. Next time they had the ball, Fitzgerald took a pass 50 yards to the Carolina 10 and Hightower collected a TD pass. 7-7.
   A 'swat & recovery' moved the ball from Delhomme to the Cardinals at the CP 13, and a TD for James put the visitors 14-7 ahead. An interception in the 2nd quarter gave the Cardinals a FG, and a subsequent drive ended with a FG. 20-7. An interception by Haynes set up a 30 yard TD pass to Fitzgerald, who dived at the right pylon. 27-7. And as the half ran down, the Cardinals tried to make a 53 yard FG but failed.
   The Panthers put some pressure on Warner in the 3rd quarter. An interception by Beason gave the ball to the Panthers but Rolle collected a tipped pass to set up another FG for the Cardinals. 30-7. The Panthers got close at the start of the 4th quarter but Delhomme was picked by Brown in the end zone.
   The Cardinals had to punt but a 5th interception let them run time off the clock to another FG. 33-7 with 3 minutes left. Steve Smith gave the Panthers a consolation TD in the last minute. 33-13 after a 2-point try flopped, and an on-side kick try went to the Cardinals, who are now in their divisional championship for the first time ever.
NFL Sunday [18:00, Sky Sports 2] The Eagles @ cold & windy Giant Stadium. The Giants' opening drive went to a field goal. The Eagles had to punt but Manning's first play was intercepted by Samuel and returned to the Giants' 2, setting up a QB sneak by McNabb. 7-3. A Giants' punt in the 2nd quarter left the Eagles pinned deep, and they were awarded a safety for intentional grounding by McNabb. 7-5.
   The Giants blew their subsequent short field with a missed FG try. But an interception of a wayward McNabb pass let Jacobs make a 24 yard run and the FG succeeded this time. 7-8. The Eagles replied with a short FG to go in at half time 10-8 up with neither QB playing well.
   McNabb had a pass batted to Robbins, which gave the Giants a FG. 10-11. The Eagles replied with a FG. 13-11. The Giants made a 34 yard pass to Higson on a 3rd & 5 but another FG try was NG. The Eagles started the 4th quarter at the Giants' 1, and a TD pass to Celek extended their lead to 20-11.
   The Giants blew a challenge on the spot of the ball and had to make a 4th & inches. But the Philly defense held up. 12:29 left. Ward ran like a tank in the next Giants' drive. Jacobs couldn't make a 4th & 2. Jackson took a pass 48 yards to the Giants' 1, which gave the Eagles another FG. 23-11, 3:51 left.
   Manning chucked a pass straight to Michael of the Eagles, who had to punt. A fumble by Smith went to the Eagles. The End.
The Chargers @ the Steelers with light snow falling in Pittsburgh. After a 2-minute drive, Rivers found Jackson with a 41 yard pass to the end zone. 7-0. The Steelers' opening drive ended with a punt by Roethlisberger to the SD 9. The Chargers went 3 & out and Holmes returned their punt 68 yards for a TD! 7-7. Woodley sacked Rivers and the Chargers blew up on a 3rd & 25. A sack by 32 & 20 forced a Steelers' punt.
   A guy with a snow-blower cleared some of the down lines for the 2nd quarter. The Chargers challenged a 3rd down spot but had to punt. They had a 43 yard diving catch by Jackson wiped out by a Steelers' challenge next time they had the ball and had to punt.
   The Chargers were all over a Steelers' fake punt, and Kaeding kicked a go-ahead FG. 10-7. Ward took a big pass to the SD 3 and Parker had an easy TD run to put the Steelers ahead 10-14 at half time.
   The Steelers kept having to make 3rd & long, but they opened the 3rd quarter with an 8 minute drive ending in a TD for Miller. 10-21. Sproles returned the kick off 63 yards to the PS 23 but Rivers' next play was tipped and recovered by the Foote, who kept his pick after a SD challenge.
   The Steelers proceeded to eat up most of the rest of the 3rd quarter with a drive which ended in a punt; which bounced off a Charger and was recovered by the Steelers, who finished the 3rd quarter at the SD goal line.
   The Steelers couldn't make a 4th & inches. The Chargers punted after a sack by Woodley. Pass interference on Washington in the SD end zone put the Steelers at the 1 yard line and Russell made a TD run. 10-28, 12½ minutes left.
   Despite a sack by Keisel, the Chargers reached the PS 4 and Naanee collected a TD pass. 17-28, 9 minutes left. Parker made a 27 yard run and finished the Steelers' drive with a TD run. 17-35, 4 minutes left. Leftwych had a run out for the Steelers after a Chargers' punt.
   Rivers found Sproles with a 62 yard TD pass to give the Chargers some hope. 24-35. But an on-side kick try went to the Steelers and they were able to run the clock out. So the Steelers became the first home team to win today.

[Monday, 12th] Scrapheap Challenge [18:00, Discovery Science] The teams had to build a super fuel efficient vehicle to run on half a pint of petrol. The pinks, with a moped engine, decided to drive and coast. The Greens decided to keep their hedge-trimmer 2-stroke running continuously. The Pinks had a crash, which spoilt their coast & burn strategy but when rain started falling, the Greens' drive belt began to slip and they managed only 53 and a bit laps to the Pinks' 59.
Scrapheap Challenge [19:00, Discovery Science] The teams had to recover Minis, which were parked on towers in 20 feet of water, 2 metres below the surface. The Reds planned to attach pairs of weighed down drums at the front & back of their Mini, float it to the shore and use a ramp to get it out of the water. The Oranges built a massive floating crane.
   The Reds had endless problems with buoyancy. The Oranges got their Mini to the dock but found they couldn't heave it up into the air. The Reds lost a set of pontoons and resigned with their Mini hanging off the platform. The Oranges realized they could use a slipway and got their Mini parked for a win.
Patriot Games (1992) [21:00, Film 4] Prof. Jack Ryan is in London with his family when Irish terrorists try to kill the Queen's cousin, who's a government minister. Ryan crashes in and kills the brother of Miller, a scumbag killer (Sean Bean), who's arrested. Of course, the scumbag is sprung from prison transport and he makes Ryan his target instead of the Royal, whom his fellow scumbags want to kidnap for ransom.
   The Minister has a traitor in his camp. The pregnant Dr. Ryan, her young daughter and Jack all survive assassination attempts and and Ryan rejoins the CIA. He tracks Miller to a training camp in Libya. The camp is Libya is taken out but the main bad guys are long gone. They attack Ryan's home in a storm when the Royal is there. Lots of shooting, the kidnap plan flops and Miller & his crew end up kilt. Hooray!

[Tuesday, 13th] Scrapheap Challenge [18:00, Discovery Science] The teams had to build a walking machine. The Reds built a 2-tier device with hydraulic rams and rollers, the Oranges took the wheels off a Jeep and applied long feet on a pair of cams on either side. The Oranges made the faster start but their machine started to fall to bits. The Reds had a misfiring engine, which made them positively crawl along; but they kept going. Surprise! The Oranges managed to tack their feet together enough to reach the finish line!
Scrapheap Challenge [19:00, Discovery Science] Build a demolition machine. The Greens went for a manual battering ram and the Reds built a hydraulic dinosaur with an arm and a massive jaw. The battering ram was hard work but the muncher's arm broke and the Reds had to get welding. Then their radiator sprang a leak, then the hydraulic hose. So more welding got the Reds back in action, but not before the Greens had done their 3rd demolition job.
CSI:Las Vegas [For Warrick, 21:00, Channel 5] Warrick was shot by the dirty cop, McKeen, and he wasn't able to tell Grissom before he was written out. The team did its evidence gathering, McKeen's story unravelled and he looked like Getta's mole. Captain Brass decided that McKeen was going after Pritchard, and the pair of them ended up driving to Mexico pursued by LVPD. The car was found crashed with Pritchard dead; but after he'd shot McKeen. Nick followed a blood trail and didn't shoot the dirty cop.
Derren Brown: An Evening of Wonders [22:00, Channel 4] Mr. Brown continues to do his feats of mind-reading and persuasion, and be very entertaining. Dad didn't win the £5,000. There was a wandering table routine and a floating table. Mr. Brown finished the Oracle Act with a dramatic collapse which, he explained after some ads, was the traditional end to the routine. Finally, he opened the box suspended above the stage and revealed that it contained a summary of the show.

[Wednesday, 14th] Scrapheap Challenge [18:00, Discovery Science] The teams had to build a radio-controlled aircraft to drop a bomb on a target in a quarry. The Greens opted for a helium-filled blimp, which had problems with ballast then the wind. The Reds, with no time to practice, kept crashing their conventional plane, but they managed to crash closer to the target. In this case, it was 'the least worst succeeds' rather than the better team winning, and the airship took the first prize.
Scrapheap Challenge [19:00, Discovery Science] Build a 2-man minisub to negotiate an underwater obstacle course. The Yellows made a 3½ metre air-powered minisub, in which they sat. The Reds opted for a battery driven diver tug to tow them through the course. The Yellows had endless problems with their ballast. The Reds' machine flooded, but that didn't affect something powered by a 12V battery, they kept losing points for kicking with their legs but they did manage a clean round and enough points to win.
It Came From Beneath The Sea (1954) [20:00, Sci-Fi] The US Navy's pride & joy, a nuclear submarine, runs into a giant sea beast, and limps to Pearl Harbour with bits of the radioactive beast stuck in the diving planes. A pair of boffins, Prof. Joyce & Dr. Carter, decide that the monster has always lived in deep ocean trenches, but US H-bomb tests have made it radioactive, its prey can sense the radioactivity, and the monster is looking for a new source of food; such as the human race.
   The giant octopus attacks and sinks a freighter but a survivor lives to tell the tale. The US Navy goes after the beast by dropping depth charges at random in the North Pacific. The creatures comes to San Francisco and attacks the Golden Gate bridge. Then it goes to the shore for snacks. The Army sends it packing with flame throwers, the sub fires off Dr. Carter's jet-powered torpedo but the creature grabs the sub.
   Cmdr. Pete then Dr. Carter have to go out swimming to annoy the monster. The torpedo sees it off and Cmdr. Pete gets the girl.

[Thursday, 15th] Scrapheap Challenge [18:00, Discovery Science] The teams had to build a windmill to grind as much coffee as possible in an hour. The Purples went for 2 vertical wings attached to a vertical drive shaft. The Oranges went for a conventional bladed windmill mounted on a tower. Their efforts were sabotaged by a gale warming which persuaded them to cut their blades down. No gale and the Purples increased the size of their wings; and won.
Scrapheap Challenge [19:00, Discovery Science] Build a human-powered gadget for firing a rugby ball. The Blues went for a double-crossbow with leaf springs; which they mounted the wrong way round. The Greens used gas pipes and a bicycle-powered air compressor to power their cannon. The Greens managed 59 metres with their first 2 shots. The Blues did 19 then 8; then their machine broke. 66 metres for the Greens on their final shot.
The Bill [20:00, Granada] A 17-year-old athlete didn't come home from a party and he was found bashed in a park. Everyone lied to the police, including the kid's dad. No one admitted to taking drugs but everyone seemed to be taking them. So it was only fitting that Michael, who was accused of being a drug dealer, had been selling powdered chalk to his schoolmates! Eventually, the Super concluded that Simon, who gave the party and Katie, his girlfriend, were responsible for the murder; but there was no evidence left. To be continued.
WW$ Raw [21:30, Sky Sports 3] Loadsa jawing. Oh, no! Vince is coming back. But first, Stephanie fired Jericho, so a night off for him. Mizrabul versus Mysterio was brief but active and turned out to be the prologue to another assault by Mike Knox on the victorious Mysterio, who got his own back a bit. Regal versus Punk was a waste of time. Kane versus Orton was just a trailer for some tedious plot aimed at making Orton look like a person of consequence.
   The diva rumble included a psycho 5th wheel and never got off the ramp. HBK versus Cena started, unusually, with a handshake. Then they got on with the usual bashing for a long time, and Cena eventually took a big boot in the mush and lay down to be pinned for script reasons.
ECW Late Night [23:30, Sky Sports 3] Gabriel & Alysha versus Burchill & Katie was brief & violent, and a triumph for the Gabriel team. Tommy Dreamer has to become champ before June or he's going to quit. The Boogerman took out an unknown stooge. Finally, Matt Hardy had a long battering session with Swagger, who grinned his opponent to death, dropped him onto a previously exposed turnbuckle and became the ECW Chump.

[Friday, 16th] Scrapheap Challenge [18:00, Discovery Science] The teams had to build motorized bridges. The Greens built a bridge based on four bikes, which the lady expert from the army thought had the better chance of working. The Blues from the army put a massive structure on a Transit van. The first crossings went okay, the Blues looked like they were going to drive off their too-narrow bridge during the recrossing, but they stormed off to the finish line.
Scrapheap Challenge [19:00, Discovery Science] Build a steam-powered racer. The Reds went for small and light and the Greens chose power. The Greens raced into an early lead, the Reds caught them and raced ahead while the Greens had to weld their drive shaft. The Greens did some pushing but came to a dead stop when their engine seized. So the Reds vanished into the distance.
NCIS [Family, 21:00, Channel 5] Dr. Ducky didn't buy the way a car crash with a dead PO was staged. The dead woman was a con artist and Ducky found that she'd been beaten to death after giving birth. Gibbs & Co. worked through the lady's contacts and she turned out to be a surrogate mother for the Nelsons, who disappeared. Abby made a panda poo connection. Gibbs & Co. crashed a ransom pay-off for the child. They went back to the guy they first thought of and busted his dad. The kid reached his parents and Tony put Jeanne, daughter of La Grenouille, behind him.
WW$mackDown [22:00, Sky Sports 3] Vickie & HHH ranted. Swagger & Henry versus Finlay & Matt Hardy was the usual cheap shots and dirty tricks, but Matt got to do his finishing move on Swagger. R-Truth versus Kendrick would have been even better if Kendrick hadn't got lazy and he still did moves like R-Truth, who was cheap-shotted by Mr. Jackson for winning.
   MVP had a Last Man Standing Match with Big Show, with HHH banned from ringside. MVP started with a steel chair, did a lot of running away and took a good clobbering. Big Show pursued him up the ramp so HHH joined in with his sledge hammer to give MVP his first win for 6 months and keep HHH in the Royal Rumble.
   A Royal Rumble rant by the Undertaker. The Vault: HBK versus Edge. Victoria, in her last match before retirement, had her good knee crunched by Michelle Uncool and went down & out to an implant buster. Finally Edge & Jeff Hardy jawing? No, Jeff did some acting after being blown up by his fireworks on the ramp.

[Saturday, 17th] Nash Bridges [Patriots, 19:00, FX] Nash Bridges took out two guys who attacked ex-wife Kelly and found himself in the middle of a war between Irish terrorist factions. Kelly's husband belonged to one of the factions. Joe, meanwhile, had to baby-sit a high-living Arab prince, whose insurance company wanted to get him to a heart transplant. The prince, however, wanted to party and pass bad cheques. Nash got to plug another terrorist and do some dangerous driving in a car bomb. And Joe shredded a good million dollar cheque at the end.
TNA Impact [21:00, Bravo] A rant from the Has Been Mafia then Hernandez' title shot against Sting was just to set up an almighty shambles in which the HBM beat up Front Line guys until the Dudleys delivered a table for Mr. Angle. Dvon is going after Angle now while Bubbah has Sting in his sights.
   The Beautiful People were still sucking up to 'Governor Palin' but the bubble burst tonight and they got a 'shower of muck' in the ring. Half a dozen Knockouts had a very unladylike street fight, which put the Kongistas to flight. Abyss & Morgan versus Creed & Lethal was big against fast, the result was a joke and the object seemed to be to start a split between the big men.
   Finally, Steiner versus AJ Styles had Mick Foley as an enforcer, but he didn't do much enforcing. In fact, he was taken out after ref. Earl 'Where's my guide dog?' Hebner was crushed. AJ was clobbered with a steel pipe but Petey Williams returned to TNA to zap Steiner and precipitate his defeat.

[Sunday, 18th] Where is Mark Williams lurking these days? Well his On The Rails series is to be found on the new Discovery turbo channel [18:00, 18:30, 19:00, 19:30], and his personal history of how the steam engine became mobile on rails and revolutionized the movement of goods and people remains as fascinating as ever.
NFL Sunday, Conference Championships [20:00, Sky Sports 2] NFC Championship: The Eagles in Arizona. The Cardinals were able to run and pass the ball, and Warner completed the opening drive with a TD pass to Fitzgerald. 0-7. McNabb's first play was a 22 yard run but the Eagles were held to a FG. 3-7. Francisco made an interception during the next Eagles' drive, but fumbled the ball back to the visitors. But Akers missed a 47 yard FG try in the 2nd quarter.
   The Cardinals came back with a 1-play drive; a backward pass from Arrington to Warner and a 62 yard monster TD pass to Fitzgerald. 3-14. McNabb found Curtis with a 47 yard pass but the Eagles were held to a FG. 6-14. The Eagles kept blitzing but pass interference in the end zone put the Cardinals at the PE 1, and that was another TD pass for Mr. Fitzgerald. 6-21.
   The Cardinals were denied recovery of a live ball during a short kick off by bad officiating but they stopped the Eagles and, despite a sack by Cole, went in 6-24 up at half time after a 49 yard FG by Rackers.
   Wilson got sacks on successive Eagles' drives but the Eagles took over in the 3rd quarter. A pair of TD passes to Celek left them 19-24 behind after the second PAT kick missed. The Eagles blitzed the Cardinals to a stop in the 4th quarter then McNab tossed a pass 62 yards to Jackson, who juggled the ball into the end zone. 25-24 after a 2-point try flopped.
   The Cardinals made 4th & inches at midfield and a 8 yard TD pass to Hightower and a 2-point conversion left the home team 25-32 ahead with 3 minutes left. The Eagles blew up on a 4th & 10, and that's the Cardinals in a Super Bowl for the first time ever!
The Ravens in Pittsburgh [23:45, Sky Sports 2], where the light snow didn't land. A 45 yard pass to Ward set up a 34 yard FG for Reed. 0-3. A sack by 92 stopped the next Steelers' drive but Townsend intercepted Flacco. Holmes was ruled down a yard short of the end zone after collecting a 23 yard pass. Both teams tried to challenge and the Ravens had the pass ruled incomplete. So just another FG. 0-6.
   The Ravens went 3 & out again, Lewis stripped the ball from Parker to give the Ravens another try but the Pittsburgh defense stopped them on a 4th & 1. The Steelers struggled into the 2nd quarter then Roethlisberger threw off balance to Holmes, who made moves, got blockers and went 65 yards to the end zone. 0-13.
   Smith stopped the Ravens with a sack. Hines Ward went off, injured. Leonhard was taken out by the Pittsburgh punter after a 45 yard kick return! Pass interference gave McGahee just 1 yard to go on a TD run. 7-13. As the half ran out, the Steelers' punter did some acting to keep a drive going but his team blew a FG chance.
   In the 3rd quarter, Polamalu got a sack and R'berger suffered a gang sack. Suggs got a sack during the next Steelers' drive but a 30 yard pass to Miller more than made up the lost yards and a 46 yard FG from Reed made the score 7-16.
   A terrible punt by the Steelers gave the Ravens a short field in the 4th quarter, pass interference in the end zone put them at the PS 1 and McGahee rushed in for a TD. 14-16. Suggs then Woodley got further sacks. The Polamalu returned an interception 40 yards for a TD but he ran about 80 yards! 14-23.
   A train wreck with Clark made McGahee fumble to the Steelers, and he had to be carted off after being immobilized. The Steelers punted after the 2 minute warning, but when Flacco had a pass tipped to Carter, the Steelers were in Super Bowl XLIII.

[Monday, 19th] Scrapheap Challenge [18:00, Discovery Science] Build a wheat harvester. The Purples put a combine cutter on a pickup truck with a heavy chain elevator. The Blues had 4 cutters powered by 4 lawnmower engines and drive belts, which kept failing. The Purples did okay until their clutch exploded, so they resorted to pushing their 2-ton monster. The Blues of the army were almost disqualified for cutting by hand, but they collected 120 kg of spring wheat to their opponents' 100 kg.
Scrapheap Challenge [19:00, Discovery Science] The Final: The teams had to build a fire-fighting ship with a range of 50 feet. The army blues used one car engine to drive another, which acted as a piston pump. The Red Nerds from the USA built a centrifugal pump on part of a Land Rover with oil-drum floats. The Blues' roof of a Transit boat leaked, but not fatally, and they could row their lighter machine faster. But the Yanks drowned their fire in seconds! Then it was a paddling race and army discipline paid off.
Magic's Biggest Secrets Finally Revealed [20:00, ITV 4] How to: 1. make an assistant in a hooped skirt vanish & appear elsewhere; 2. do the Floating Zombie Ball; 3. push a cigarette through a half-dollar coin; 4. pass through a solid steel plate; 5. rotate an assistant's head; 6. bend a teaspoon; 7. push a sword through an assistant; 8. make cigarette ash migrate through an assistant's hand; 9. escape from a coffin heading into an industrial wood chipper!
Cobra (1986) [21:00, Channel 5] Sylvester Stallone is Fred Cobretti, a member of the Zombie Squad, who strolls into siege situations and takes out crazed killers. There's a serial killer in town and Monty, the guy in charge of the case, doesn't want Cobra crashing in. Fat chance. A blonde lady witnesses an attack by the gang and she can identify the leader. Luckily for him, he has a lady cop in his gang and she's assigned to look after the witness with Cobra & his partner.
   Cobra kills some killers and heads to the hospital where the witness is stashed for more mayhem. The bad guys strike as Fred & Co. are taking the witness to a safe house, so lots of shooting and dangerous driving. When they hole up at a motel, the spy tips off the bad guys, who get their motorbikes out.
   Fred has grenades and an automatic weapon. Millions of psycho bikers are killed in an shoot-out and extended chase, which ends at a steel works. The Head Bad Guy takes a trip to a furnace, and Cobretti gets his bike and the witness.

[Tuesday, 20th] Scrapheap Challenge [18:00, Discovery Science] The teams had to build drag racers so the Light Blues from the army went for a big engine while the Dark Blue Nerds used a motorbike engine and as light a vehicle as possible. Disaster! The LB automatic gearbox blew on the start line. But they found that they still had reverse, so they turned their axle round, went backwards and managed to do the course in 11.5 seconds to the DBs' 11.2 seconds.
CSI:Las Vegas [The Happy Place, 21:00, Channel 5] A woman in a bikini stepped off a balcony and landed on a bus. It turned out that she and another bank teller had both lost their job after consulting a lady hypnotist, who'd planted a post-hypnotic suggestion on them. Sprig had become a threat, so the hypnotist did her in.
   Grissom got a tangled tale about a dead woman in an alley, who turned out to be a compulsive gambler, who'd enslaved a schoolboy, had a baby girl by him and then been done in after making his life a misery.
   Sara consulted on Greg's case of a husband who'd switched off a wife, who'd been in a coma for 8 years. Sara saw through the husband's story and realized he'd just had enough.

[Wednesday, 21st] Scrapheap Challenge [18:00, Discovery Science] The teams had to build monster trucks, so the yellows went for huge tyres and planned to build their own chassis; a plan which flopped. The Blues were left with big but skinny tyres, but their plan for double tyres didn't work out. The teams swapped tenths of a second in the first 2 runs but the Yellows went a second ahead in their final run.
Scrapheap Challenge [19:00, Discovery Science] The teams had to build remote-controlled torpedoes. The Red put their batteries in the torpedo and used 3 radio control systems for the motor and outrigger fans for steering. The Blues kept their batteries ashore and used a wire-guided torpedo with 2 offset rudders. Both teams could steer their torpedoes round an obstacle to target, but the Reds went faster in the final round.
The Bill [20:00, Granada] The schoolboy murder case continued with not much evidence against Katie & Simon. Further investigation showed that Katie was a slag and Simon lived in his own fantasy world. So the Super decided to feed them to the meeja. Simon had got violent with a teacher and then Katie had made and withdrawn an accusation of sexual assault, which had cost the teacher his job.
   The Super let Katie know the police were on to her. Eddie the CSE got some forensic on Katie, and then the murder weapon when Simon was panicked. Simon was busted with violence. He said Katie dunnit, and it turned out that he wasn't lying for once.
The Contractor (2007) [21:00, Channel 5] James, a CIA agent, is reactivated to take out a terrorist, who's about to go on trial in London. Mr. Collins, his boss, doesn't want the USA embarrassed as the CIA trained the guy. Jimmy makes the kill but the getaway is a shambles and he ends up in a safe house. Emily, a 12-year-old orphan neighbour, adopts him.
   Collins turns up in London to kill Jimmy and anyone who gets in his way, including the superintendent on the case. The police go after Jimmy for 2 murders now. The passport guy sells Jimmy out but he evades a trap with Emily's help.
   Jimmy contacts the super's daughter, another cop, to tell her he didn't kill her dad and to arrange a meeting; which Collins crashes. Collins & Jimmy shoot each other in a restaurant kitchen. Jimmy just walks out and gets on a train with a bullet in his shoulder, watched by the lady copper. Later, Emily and her granny get a trip to Jimmy's ranch.

[Thursday, 22nd] Scrapheap Challenge [18:00, Discovery Science] Build a road sweeper. The Oranges went for a vacuum system feeding into a cut-down Transit, and their rubbish had to pass through their fan without wrecking it. The Reds used the twin drive shafts of a Land Rover to power the front wheels and an elevator belt; which kept clogging. The Reds collected an impressive volume of rubbish but weight was the decider and the Oranges won.
Scrapheap Challenge [19:00, Discovery Science] Build a powered white-water raft. The Blues went for the roof of a horse box and the impellor from a jet ski. The Greens had to make a catamaran because they couldn't find enough square section drums for a raft. They mounted an engine and aircraft propellor on the back. In rapids, the boat worked a treat but the big beast couldn't make turns on a slalom course, and got stuck eventually.
The Bill [20:00, Granada] Human remains were found and Sun Hill's finest ran into a father who was in denial about the fate of a daughter, who'd vanished 20 years before. The father was suspected of abusing Susie and stalking young women who looked like her. Eddie found that the dead girl had been strangled and stabbed repeatedly.
   Lots of red herrings, but the Super decided it had to be the work of Ian Ellis, whom he sent down for strangling another girl after a rave. No child abuse; Susie had seduced her younger half-brother, Andy, to get at her mother. He was busted but everything kept coming back to Ellis.
WW$ Raw [21:30, Sky Sports 3] Have we really been Vince-free for 6 months? A 6-man Royal Rumble was rigged in favour of the Orton gang. Kelly Kelly was fed to Glamzilla. Regal versus Punk again was no DQ, so Regal's social secretary joined in. Quite a long match and it was Punk's turn to win and become Intercontinental champ. A loada jawing at a contract signing. Mysterio took on Mike Knox, who had no idea why he keeps attacking Mysterio. [Obviously doesn't read his scripts. Ed.] Knox turned a 619 try into an ambush and got himself DQ'd shortly afterwards.
   Mizrabul & Nitro versus Cryme Tyme didn't last long before Nitro was flattened by Chad. Jillian squawked at Melina while beating her up, but she ended up flattened. Then Glamzilla flattened Melina. Oh, no! There was Vince waddling to the ring for a rant. Jericho had to grovel to Stephanie. Then Orton kicked Vince in the head. So is that arrest and gaol on the cards for next week?
ECW Late Night [23:30, Sky Sports 3] Jawing and Matt Hardy clobbered Swagger. Ortiz versus an unknown didn't last long. Paul Burchill had to face . . . the Boogerman! Katie joined in and got her brother DQ'd, but she didn't get wormed. A Royal Rumble history. Nitro, Mizrabul, Mark Henry & Finlay had a Fatal 4-Way. Finlay was the general target to start, Henry dropped off the radar, the LGB joined in and surprise! Nitro did the dirty and pinned Mizrabul.

[Friday, 23rd] Scrapheap Challenge [18:00, Discovery Science] Build a racing snowmobile. The Purples has no trouble finding a motorbike and added twin steering skis with independent suspension. The Greens searched for ages before finding a monster, which became the basis for an unwieldy machine with a single steering ski. In Northern California, the Purples broke down before they reached the starting line, the uphill course was too severe for both machines. The Greens lost their chain after pushing for 273 feet. Which turned out to be enough for a win.
Scrapheap Challenge [19:00, Discovery Science] Build a heavy lifting vehicle to move heavy bits of scrap around. The Reds built a winch with a turntable, the Pinks built a human-powered see-saw, backed up with a slower winch. The Reds showed no great sense of urgency. The Pinks kept having to resort to their winch when their combined weight wasn't enough. The Reds ended up pushing when their engine packed up, but they'd not shown enough urgency to win.
NCIS [Ex-File, 21:00, Channel 5] This episode was aimed at embarrassing Gibbs, whose 3rd wife was married to a suspect for the murder of Marine Captain Reynolds. Worse, the killing occurred on an army base so Col. Mann was in charge of the investigation. McGee also had his nose put out of joint by Fred, the geek from DIA who arrived to peer over Abby's shoulder while she investigated the deceased's laptop, which contained top secret data. Lots of red herrings, but Reynolds turned out to have been stealing top secret data with Fred's help. He got greedy and killed Reynolds and Abby was allowed to punch him for messing her about.
WW$mackDown! [22:00, Sky Sports 3] Edge with a rant then Matt Hardy pounded him. The Undertaker had to self-destruct a bit to give Shelton Benjamin a chance but his killer submission hold was decisive. Chavo had a rant then Khali had to do some self-destructing to keep their match going until it was time for Chavo to be killed. The Bellas versus Michelle & Natalya was all about Maria joining in and being killed.
   J.R. had a chat with Jeff Hardy about all the 'accidents' which Edge has arranged for him. The Vault: Cena versus HHH. Edge versus Matt Hardy was no DQ. Cue a tinfoil dustbin, a kendo stick, a steel chair, Mark Henry & Swagger. So Mr. Hardy had no chance. Nitro & Mizrabul versus Carlito & Primo rattled on through a set of ads. Lots of near finishes and a swindle conclusion.
   Finally, HHH versus Koslov had Big Show tossed into the mix. So it was an obvious lost cause for HHH, but the lads dragged it out for a fair time.

[Saturday, 24th] Magic's Biggest Secrets Finally Revealed [18:15, ITV 4] The Masked Magician showed us how to: 1. Do the Barrel of Death transfer; 2. The floating $20 bill effect; 3. The non-inverting assistant effect; 4. Psychic writing; 5. Slice an assistant into 3 pieces; 6. Push a coin into a can of beer; 7. Teleportation.
Meanwhile, on the bio Channel, they were doing the story of Andre the Giant [started 19:00], the Frenchman who never stopped growing because of a medical condition, which gave him a life expectancy of two score years. He became a wrestler and Vince McMahon Jr. of the WWF found a formula for an unbeatable competitor.
   Andre was just too big for the normal world. He became the only nationally known figure in pro wrestling in the 1970s and he was the star of Wrestlemania 3, where he passed the torch to Hulk Hogan. After a life on the road, and lots of heroic drinking, he became too big for his joints and he was 46 when he died in his sleep.
Cracking the Earth's Crust [20:00, National Geographic] is a trip round the world in an imaginary rover, starting with a gold mine in South Africa. The programme explains how continental crust was added to oceanic crust, how the geology of the Antarctic provided a new theory of how magma travels through the crust and how talc makes the San Andreas fault creep. Then off to the vast oil deposits in West Texas, a description of how diamonds are rushed toward the surface, a look at the monster crater at Mexico from 65 million years ago, and to finish, a look at the mid-Atlantic ridge.
War of the Worlds (2005) [21:05, Channel 5] Ray (Tom Cruise), a divorced crane driver, has his stroppy teenage son and wiseguy little girl dumped on him by his pregnant ex-wife. Magnetic storm hit the Earth and knock out phones, power and vehicles. Ray, of course, is able to tell a mechanic pal how to repair his car. Martian creatures revive machines, which were buried on Earth zillions of years before.
   The machines start zapping humans with ray guns. Ray takes his kids to his ex-wife's place but Mom is in Boston. A TV news lady tells Ray about the tripod machines. Ray and the kids make it on to a car ferry; which is sunk by the machines. Ray's useless son abandons the family, and Ray and his daughter end up in a crazy guy's bunker, which is invaded by Martians but the humans aren't found.
   The machines are harvesting humans outside. Ray murders the crazy guy then the stupid kid gets herself and her dad harvested. But the machines start croaking, the occupants killed by Earth's bugs, and Ray and his daughter are reunited with Mom and the useless son in Boston.

[Sunday, 25th] X-Men: The Last Stand (2005) [20:00, Channel 4] Homeland Security is tracking Eric, a.k.a. Magneto, whose agent is trying to steal a mutant gene suppressing agent. Magneto organizes a protest of mutants who don't think they have a disease. Dead Jean returns to Scott. Magneto frees his agent, who tells him that the source of the cure is a mutant child on Alcatraz just before she's shot with the antidote and rejected by Magneto as no longer a mutant.
   Jean has returned as the Phoenix, a creature of unlimited powers and no control. She wipes out Scott and Professor Charles, and joins up with Magneto, who is planning to destroy the cure and take over the world. Magneto repositions the Golden Gate bridge to get his mob to Alcatraz. The X-Men form a defensive line for a huge battle, Magneto is 'cured', Jean trashes the Rock but Logan zaps her, and Eric ends up playing chess in the park.

[Monday, 26th] Scrapheap Challenge [18:00, Discovery Science] The Yellows went for a flail system for their monster mine-clearing vehicle, the Greens wanted to build a bed of nails; until they calculated how many nails they needed, then they went for a plough on a light vehicle with 'sand wheels', which didn't work. The Yellows won round 1 with a score of 10 mines to 2. The Greens ended up pushing in round 2 but the mighty flail monster could not be denied.
Scrapheap Challenge [19:00, Discovery Science] Build a hill-climber. The Yellows went for a BIG tracked, 4-wheel drive vehicle, the Dark Greens went for a light machine with a transverse engine driving both sets of wheels. The concepts were grip versus speed. The Greens barely reached the start of the 360-foot, 2 in 1 slope. The Yellows just powered on and on to the top! Shedding a track at the very end. The Greens next run was better but no cigar.
Magic's Biggest Secrets Finally Revealed [20:00, ITV 4] The Masked Magician showed us how to: 1. Levitate an assistant without wires; 2. Burn a piece of paper and turn it into a $20 bill; 3. Produce an assistant from a smoke-filled cabinet; 4. Spot which coloured crayon the assistant chose; 5. Do the Door to an Alternate Universe Effect; 6. Slice a magician in 3 and make his middle disappear; 7. Push a mobile phone into a plastic water bottle; 8. Impale an assistant on an iron spike.
Last Man Standing (1996) [21:00, Channel 5] is a remake of A Fistful of Dollars set in Texas in the Prohibition era. 'John Smith', a gun for hire, stops at Jericho, 50 miles from Mexico, to make a few bucks in a town taken over by 2 gangs of bootleggers. Smith gets himself hired by Strasi and Doyle's booze shipment is ambushed and his men are massacred by turncoat Mexicans. Doyle tries to outbid Strasi for Smith's services.
   Hickey, Doyle's killer, goes to Mexico to get payback for the hijack and to kidnap Giorgio, Strasi's nephew. But when Doyle tries to sell Giorgio for $100,000 and the trucks, he finds that Strasi has kidnapped his girl for an exchange. Smith signs on with Doyle then he knocks off the lady's bodyguards and sends her to Mexico. Hickey works out what he did so Doyle is bashed to bits. Strasi and his gang are wiped out. Smith calls out Doyle & Hickey, who end up dead. Then Smith heads for Mexico and a doctor.

[Tuesday, 27th] Scrapheap Challenge [18:00, Discovery Science] Build a tunnelling machine, which can bore a hole through easy then tough concrete big enough to pass all of the team members. The Blues went for a hydraulic ram, which proved to be too complicated, and a 2-part borer. The Pinks used one vehicle to push another, on which their drill was mounted. The drill had a spoil-clearer, which didn't work too well. Even so, the Pinks were first through the first wall and just first through the second.
Scrapheap Challenge [19:00, Discovery Science] Build a hydrofoil. The Yellows used two canoes to build a catamaran with wings made from helicoptor rotors. The Pinks went for a lightweight design on a surf board with home-made wings. The Pinks rammed the Yellows on the way to the start line, and left the Yellows standing with a flat battery. The Pinks got up on their front plane in run two but the Yellows had to retire with a dead engine.
NCIS [Frame Up, 20:00, FX] A pair of legs turned up at a training facility at Quantico and all of the forensic evidence pointed to Tony as the killer! So the director brought in FBI agent Fornell to lead the investigation into the frame up. Abby had to put up with an assistant. McGee turned up a good suspect, whom Tony had got fired, but he was just a red herring. Tony spent some time in a cell. Shock horror! Chip, Abby's assistant, was someone else whom Tony had got fired. So Abby got to marmalyze him and tell Gibbs she wants to work alone in future.
CSI:Las Vegas [Art Imitates Life, 21:00, Channel 5] Posed bodies in full rigor mortis started to turn up around the city, the CSIs had to have counselling over Warrick's death and Riley Adams, a new girl, joined the team. Grissom started doing Hodges' work and screwed up badly.
   The bodies started turning up at the rate of one per day, so Capt. Brass harassed a guy who painted death scenes. Close. The killer turned out to be someone rejected by the self-obsessed artist. He was planning to put a kid into a 6th installation, but the CSIs saved the kid and the work was ruined.
Replicant (2001) [21:50, Sci-Fi] Jake just survives an encounter with a serial killer called The Torch on his last day as a cop so the National Security Force recruits him to continue the hunt. The NSF has made a telepathic clone of the guy as part of a programme to track down terrorists using Replicants of them.
   Jake takes the clone to the scene of the first Torch murder to trigger memories. Jake finds the SK's lair and the clone saves him from being blown up in it. The SK and the clone see each other and the clone chases the SK, who beats him up in a bar and kills most of the occupants. Luke kills again at an hotel then visits his mom in her secure hospital; she killed his father, locked him up and set fire to the house. Luke survived only because it rained.
   Mom croaks. Luke beats the clone up in the mortuary. After causing mayhem, Luke splits in an ambulance but Jake makes him crash. The clone saves Jake from being incinerated and Jake gets to kill Luke. Is the replicant killed in an almighty propane explosion? No way, and he ends up with the hooker.

[Wednesday, 28th] Scrapheap Challenge [18:00, Discovery Science] Build a remote-controlled fighting vehicle. The Pinks used gears from a bike, an electric window winder and servos from a model aircraft, the Blues used most of a powered wheelchair for their controls. The best strategy for the contest seemed to be stand still and let the other team drive out of the arena and incur penalties, as the weapons were fairly crap. The Pinks were unworthy winners.
Scrapheap Challenge [19:00, Discovery Science] Build a wheely car. The RAF team went for a lightweight trike then used a Robin Reliant chassis. The Navy used a 4x4 Jeep, which wheelied a bit in the first run. The Raf were up on their back wheels a lot more. The Navy won the slalom round in fine style, and steering failure sank the Raf in a head to head race.
The Bill [20:00, Granada] The Super continued to pursue Ian Ellis, who had confessed in order to get parole after 20 years in gaol. Ellis was busted for the murder of Susan Clark. A girl called Elaine also disappeared 20 years before but DCI Ackroyd, the Super's boss at the time, had ignored the report as irrelevant to his case.
   Holes started to appear in Ackroyd's case and methods. Eric the mechanic was busted for using Ackroyd's police vehicle to pick up toms like Elaine, something which Ackroyd had covered up. Elaine's remains were found. Ellis's brother was also busted.
   DC Grace developed severe doubts about Ian Ellis as a serial killer. Then Ellis slit his wrist in his cell. To be concluded.
Out Of Time (2003) [21:00, Film 4] Chief Whitlock of Banyan Bay, Florida, has been dumped by his wife, his girlfriend, Anne, has terminal cancer and she's made the Chief the beneficiary of the million-dollar insurance policy, which her husband sneaked out on her. The Chief also has a big block of drug money in his evidence store. The Chief gives Anne the drug money so she can leave her violent husband. Then Anne's home goes up in flames. The Chief finds Anne didn't have cancer and he was scammed. Then the DEA asks for the drug money as evidence.
   The Chief tells Jake, the drunken ME, what's going on then chases the bogus doctor, who ends up dead and the chief gets the cash. Dead Anne phones the Chief to tell him she needs money to get out of town. Shock, horror! She's the criminal mastermind. But Mrs. Chief shoots Anne just before the cavalry arrives and Jake saves the Chief's ass from the DEA assholes. Then getting his wife back costs the Chief a million bucks.

[Thursday, 29th] Scrapheap Challenge [18:00, Discovery Science] Build a bomb disposal device. The Blues went for a manipulator arm made from bits of ladder. The Yellows built an ROV with a hydraulic arm plus grabber. The Blues' wire cutter won round one but the Yellows were much better at dealing with tubs of 'toxic gloop'. The Yellows exploded all 3 bombs while trying to load one onto a rack. The Blues blew up their first 2, but they managed a controlled explosion of the last one on the rack.
The Bill [20:00, Granada] It was becoming increasingly obvious that Ian the serial killer had been a victim of policing methods of the 1980s and a railroad job by DCI Ackroyd & the Super. Surprise! The Super actually became a doubter. And three-quarters of an hour later, he got to bust another suspect near Tower Bridge.
   The guy was an electrican at the raves attended by the murdered women. DC Grace did a psychlogical number on him but his shoe collection from the victims was the clincher. Then the Super had to apologize to Ian Ellis, who stands to become a millionaire after 20 wrongful years in clink.
WW$ Raw [21:30, Sky Sports 3] Orton with a whinge. Cryme Tyme versus Nitro & Mizrabul was business as usual with the challengers just making up the numbers. Kofi versus Kane looked like the same deal but the scriptwriter wanted a small guy in the forthcoming Elimination Chamber match. Jericho with a whinge. Bradshaw with another. A history of WrestleMania.
   Shawn Michaels was supposed to beat Cena to get Bradshaw into the Elimination Chamber match. Surprisingly, Cena didn't end up on the wrong end of a swindle and Bradshaw didn't stop a mud-hole in the fallen remains of the Has Been Kid. Melina & Kelly versus Glamzilla & Jillian ended in a routine swindle.
   Mysterio versus Regal looked like an obvious lost cause but the scriptwriter wanted another little bloke in the EC match. The Vault: Edge versus Mysterio. Punk versus Jericho was mainly Punk so he had no chance of winning. Vince McMahon kept getting his head kicked by that twat Orton throughout the show. Finally, Stephanie with a rant and Shane beat up Orton and his gang.
ECW Late Night [23:30, Sky Sports 3] Matt Hardy is off to $mackDown! The Boogerman versus Ortiz lasted about 2 seconds before Ortiz legged it. Burchill versus Finlay included the LGB chasing Katie as a distraction before it was time for Burchill to lie down. Tommy Dreamer had his left arm well crunched by Mark Henry before being flattened. Who stole Swagger's ECW title? The LGB. So cue an assault on Swagger by Finlay.

[Friday, 30th] Scrapheap Challenge [18:00, Discovery Science] Build an amphibian. Both teams used a motorbike; one gave it pontoons and a screw propellor, the others put their bike in an unwieldy boat and gave it 2 paddles. The boat wobbled a lot on land and its drive system gave out when it was in the water, handing victory to the other lot.
Scrapheap Challenge [19:00, Discovery Science] Build an ice racer. The Blues went for a trike with a single wheel at the back. The Greens preferred steering skates and 2 studded wheels at the back. The expert scoffed at their design but had to eat his words. The Blues won the first round because the chain came off the Greens' faster vehicle. A stall by the Blues let the Greens win round 2. The Blue team crawled round the course at the end but daft driving by No. 4 for the faster Greens cost them a win.
NCIS [Identity Crisis, 21:00, Channel 5] Dr Mallard was cutting up a cadaver when he came across a case of murder by mercury. The deceased was a John Doe gaolbird, who was being watched by new Agent Courtney of the FBI. Agent Fornell told Gibbs that someone called The Eraser was creating perfect identities to help terrorists get into the USA.
   Agent Ziva was jealous of Courtney but the girls joined forces eventually. Abby's forensics pointed everyone at an Indian restaurant. Ziva decided that one of his clients killed the Eraser. Surprise! The restaurant's delivery boy was in with the Eraser and Courtney beat him up to foil an escape attempt. Then the Feds rolled up the rest of the bad guys.
WW$mackDown! [22:00, Sky Sports 3] Matt Hardy with a whinge. The Jackson was evicted from ringside before R-Truth took on Kendrick, who took a crunching. Chavo versus LVP was brief but active, and LVP won his second match in a row. Umaga was back to massacre Jimmy Yang. Mark Henry was able to grab the Undertaker in mid-air when Taker tried to go 'Old School' off the ropes! But Taker flattened Tony Atlas on the outside and applied his killer submission hold to Henry for a win.
   Big Show versus Festus was a massacre. And Jesse was also wiped out afterwards. The Vault: Chavo versus Mysterio. Finally HHH, Khali & Koslov entered the ring. Koslov took a rest while HHH wrecked Khali's knee, which gave Khali an excuse for a rest. Koslov was the logical top dog but he was having a rest when Khali took a Pedigree, which was a ludicrous outcome for someone of Khali's size, to hand the win to Triple Haitch.

[Saturday, 31st] Mick Foley (1999) [19:00, bio] had a normal upbringing with a normal family but he had competitiveness in his blood. He was big, 6' 2" eventually, and he went in for outrageous behaviour to attract girls, including inventing the wrestler Dude Love and making a famous movie of himself jumping off a garage roof like his wrestling hero, Jimmy Snuka. His dad made him stay at college while he trained as a wrestler.
   Cactus Jack was a product of the Hardcore era. After a spell with WCW, he went independent and attracted the attention of Vince McMahon Jr. of the WWF. Mankind with his ally Mr. Socko was born. In 1998, Mick Foley went to Hell in a Cell with the Undertaker and famously went off the cell onto the announce table, returned to go through the collapsing cell roof, and carry on until Undertaker delivered a Tombstone pile driver. An update of the next decade covering Mick's writings overdue.
TNA Impact [21:00, Bravo] The lunatics were in charge and Kurt Angle was making matches with Booger T commentating non-stop and Kevin Nash uttering the occasional word, and Scott Steiner doing the ring announcing. Badly. The Kongtourage beat up ODB. Booger versus 2 refs suggets that the 'T' stands for Twat.
   Petey Williams, about five foot nothing, had one arm tied behind his back for a match with 7-foot tall Matt Morgan. Which became a proper shambles. The Dudleys versus Sting? Another shambles in the making, which ended with Mike Foley taking charge and making some matches.
   Abyss with weapons versus Steiner without weapons involved a lot of cheating by Steiner, so Suicide dropped in to take out Steiner. Finally, Angle versus LAX was an obvious fix in Angle's favour because Earl "Where's me guide dog?" Hebner was reffing.