[Tuesday, 01st] NYPD Blue [Thumb Enhanced Evening, 23:55, Channel 4] kicked off with a week-old body in the boot of a car. Throw in a bloke with his dick bisected by a male hooker and Lt. Fancy becoming a Captain and jumping ship. The body part turned up on an ATM machine in a bank but its owner decided not to have it sewn on again because it was getting him into too much trouble.
   Nobody was too thrilled to learn that the replacement is a female homosexualist from IAB (who looks like an older and heavier version of Lt. Okay Yar from Star Trek TNG). Andy and Danny busted a pizza shop owner for the murders and Andy didn't like the 27-time killer getting a deal from the DA in exchange for singing, especially when he gave information which led to the arrest for murder of a Customs bloke, who had turned his life around. Meanwhile, the rest of the squad arrested the slicer, who'd become peeved at having to perform for $10 instead of $15.

[Wednesday, 02nd] There was a whole load of snow on The Bill! [20:00, ITV 1] Des busted an illegal Chinese immigrant and Ron Gregory had his car nicked. Kerry and the 'best mate' both screwed up seriously at the rape trial but it went the right way, presumably through a miscarriage of justice, after Inspector Gold sorted everyone out. A Chinese interpreter turned out to be working with the snakehead and a bunch of other illegals disappeared. Brandon found a chop shop and he nearly got grabbed by the car thieves because Mickey was AWOL chasing Gregory and the paedophiles. He busted a paedophile suspect but Okaro made him let the guy go! Sgt. Murphy made her peace with Des. And finally, Mickey watched Okaro meet his former prisoner.
ER [Insurrection, 21:00, Channel 4] began with the usual mad shambles with security the main issue of the day. Abby's brother was in town. A bloke pulled a gun to get a painkiller injection, Carter ordered some metal detectors, Weaver cancelled them so Carter led a walk-out. Dr. Lewis found that the mother of one of her patients had switched her terminal son's life support off while she was arguing with Carter. And Weaver made Carter pick 3 nurses for sacking to pay for the metal detectors.

[Thursday, 03rd] There was rain rather than snow on The Bill [20:00, ITV 1]. Mickey persuaded Inspector Gold that Supt. Okaro was in league with the paedophiles but he was conducting a secret operation using his own daughter and Robbie Cryer, and Mickey wouldn't keep his nose out. Gregory was busted but Okaro had to let him go at 3 a.m. Des got some info out of the Rev. Burt Kwouk and the illegals were rounded up. Then he got inappropriate with Sgt. Murphy. Mickey suspected Gregory's solicitor of being in the paedophile and burgled his house with Robbie in tow. They found a black girl as Gregory and the solicitor arrived...
WWE Wrestlemania [21:00, Sky Sports 1] began with Rey Mysterio taking on Matt Hardy with Shannon Moore messing about, so no pretence at observing rules, even at the WWE's 'Super Bowl'. And Hardy used the ropes to get a pin. Nathan Jones was zapped beforehand, leaving Undertaker to face Big Show and Albert alone. After a titanic battle, Mr. Jones turned up to boot the bad guys in the mush and a Tombstone on Albert finished it. Trash, Jazz and Victoria had Stevie Richards clowning around and the women's belt ended up with Trash, the least convincing of the trio.
   A rant from Rocky then the Guerreros versus Benoit and Rhyno versus Team Angle. The match soon became a total shambles with the ref making no attempt to keep the 'legal' men grappling, and Team Angle kept their belts. Y2 Jackass versus the Has Been Kid took a hell of a time to get started and proceeded at a walking pace -- probably because it went on for a week! Ultimately, the Has Been won it. Triple Tedious, the human fountain, had Ric Flair messing about and the ref letting it go. So no surprise when another walking pace match didn't work out for Booker T and ultimately ground to a complete stand-still.
   Hulk Hogan and Vince McMahon had a street fight, but no steets involved. Instead, we got a script designed to make Vince look tough -- until it was time for him to shed some blood. Steel chairs and a TV monitor were used, then a ladder, from which Vince launched a Leg-Drop onto Hogan, who was sprawled on the soon to be demolished Spanish announce table. Hogan was bleeding, too, when Rowdy Roddy Piper sloshed him with a steel pipe. But the power of Hulkamania let him come back and flatten a pro-Vince ref and then Vince himself.
   The Rack versus Stevo was more crude battering rather than your actual wrestling. Stunners and People's Elbows had no effect but three Rock Bottoms finally put the Texas Rattlesnake down and out. Finally, Kurt Angle and Brock Lesnar started off wrasslin'! We soon got on to some battering, too. An Angle Slam and an F5 didn't work. The Gorilla launched a Shooting Star off the top turnbuckle -- and missed! But F5 number 3 finished Angle off. And we got an actual sporting finish with the competitors shaking hands and hugging each other! The End.

[Friday, 04th] RAW [22:00, Sky Sports 1] kicked off with the 4 hours of Wrestlemania crunched down into 5 minutes. The Rock of Jabroni reckoned it's Rock Appreciation Night. A rant from Stevo ended with Bischoff giving him the sack because he's medically unfit. Triple Tedious versus the Hurricane? The superhero did a great job against both TT and Flair; and, unexpectedly, this was a great opening match. Kane wanted to split from RVD but Rob had got him into a must-win match. Nowinski was wearing a face mask to protect $30K of surgery when he faced to to Scott Steiner, who kicked his ass just the same.
   Lots of messing about. Maven and Rosie had Freako joining in but Maven pulled off another narrow victory. Y2 Jackass wound up the Has Been Kid ahead of his match with Booker, which became another shameful display of WWE 'sportsmanship' when TT, Flair and the HBK joined in. Stevie Richards ended up covered in blue body paint when he took on Jeff Hardy, and he fell victim to a Swanton Bomb after Trash had flattened Victoria at ringside. Exit Stevo, all alone, his ass fired.
   Lots more messing about. Kane and RVD versus the Dudleys versus Valbowski and Storm should have had the Dudleys seeing off the other challengers then laying down to be beaten by the tag-champs. Kane received a Wazzup! then the Dudleys were eliminated when RVD pinned Dvon! After a titanic struggle, RVD frog-splashed and pinned Valbowski to take the belts. Finally, The Rock strolled out to say he's beaten everyone and he might as well quit. Enter Goldberg to tell him he's next!

[Saturday, 05th] SmackDown! [22:00, Sky Sports 3] had the 5 minute version of Wrestlemania again, then Steph announcing that Kurt Angle is out for 2 months and Brock Lesnar is out for a week due to Wrestlemania injuries. A No. 1 Contender knock-out opened with Undertaker taking on Rey Mysterio, who had a 619 moment before being crunched. Brian Kendrick versus Jamie Noble was well scripted with Nidia getting bashed and Kendrick rolling Noble up for a pin. Then we got a rant from Matt Hardy.
   The Crappler versus Albert for eliminator #2 was another size mis-match but Benoit kept on going and finally got a submission with a Cross-Face. Eliminator #3 was Cena versus the Creep, who was battered at the start and again at the end, and went down to a cousin of the F5. Funaki and Tajiri gave great value against Team Angle before the inevitable swindle by the champs. Eliminator #4 pitted Big Show against Rhyno -- huge versus unstoppable. Rhyno was doing quite well until Albert stepped in and got his tag partner disqualified. Next week: Taker v. Cena and Benoit v. Rhyno.
   Finally, Vince apologizing to Hulk Hogan? Not exactly. Last year, he wanted to keep him working until he drops. Now, he's paying him to stay at home and not wrestle to kill off Hulkamania. So exit Hogan -- just like Stevo on Raw. WWE rules seem to favour a finish which contains spite and mean-spiritedness.

[Sunday, 06th] The Brazilian Grand Prix [17:20, ITV 1] was supposed to start at about 6 p.m., our time but it was bucketing down with rain, the cars had only inters -- not proper rain tyres due to a regulations stitch-up by the tyre manufacturers, and the track was swimming with water. So the start had to be delayed for 15 minutes. 5 cars started from the pit lane when the 'race' got going behind the safety car with Barrichello on pole. After 8 laps, the safety car came off and the race proper started.
   Coulthard shot past Barrichello at the first corner, Raikkonen then Montoya nipped past him then Coulthard got past Montoya again. There was another safety car interlude to clear the track after wipe-out involving 2 cars. 15 starters left after 24 laps. The safety car was soon on again for car recovery when the Forces of Evil Schumacher became the 3rd driver to slide off at the river running across Turn 3 [Montoya was the first of the trio].
   The safety car came on again when Button went off further round Turn 3. 11 cars left at half distance. Webber had an off at Turn 3 but he managed to keep going and rejoin, only to crash out later on. Barrichello whizzed past Coulthard but his car just stopped soon afterwards. Fisichella got past Raikkonen, whose tyres were going off, to lead the race after Coulthard made his 2nd stop. Then it all went pear-shaped.
   The safety car came out after Webber lost his car and destroyed it against the barriers. Then the race was red-flagged when Alonso hit the debris and also crashed badly. Fisichella thought he'd won for about 2 minutes and his car caught fire in the parc fermé! But Raikkonen was awarded the race after the rules had been applied. Fisichella was second, Alonso didn't make the podium for his 3rd place as he was carted off to hospital. And Coulthard was 4th when he could have been 1st if he'd stayed out another couple of laps. A very eventful race.

[Monday, 07th] The NFL Europe season opened on Saturday with the Admirals beating Rhein Fire and the Dragons just losing in Frankfurt. The repeat of Sunday's match [14:00, Sky Sports 3] featured the World Bowl holding Berlin Thunder playing the Claymores at Hampden Park. The Thunder took their opening drive to the Claymores' 18 in 3 plays, which included a 44 yard pass but a sack by Robinson on Burris left them kicking a 25 yard field goal. The Claymores replied with an 11 yard TD run by Simonton. 3-7. Irvin rushed 47 yards to take the Thunder to the Claymores' 20 and Burris fired a TD pass to Heckenbach as the 2nd play of the drive. 10-7. At the Berlin 35, Nall drew the Thunder offside with a hard count then fired a pass to Minardi, which he took into the end zone. 10-14.
   Berlin reached the Claymores' 17 in the 2nd quarter and Burris took the ball into the end zone himself. 17-14. Stafford came on as QB for the Claymores. They made a 4th and inches at midfield and the drive ended with a 5 yard TD run by Simonton. 17-21. The Thunder had to punt but a tipped pass went to White and gave the ball back to the visitors at the Claymores' 25. Stambaugh, on for his stint at QB, fired a TD pass to Brown as his first play. 24-21. Stafford threw a pass which was intercepted by Coleman and returned for a Berlin TD. 31-21. The Claymores came back with a TD pass of about 30 yards to McCready for an NFLEL record 31-28 scoreline. The Thunder missed a 47 yard FG try as the half ran out.
   The Claymores took their opening drive of the 3rd quarter to the Berlin red zone but had to settle for a FG. 31-31. Berlin were stopped and their 52 yard FG try was short. A 35 yard pass to Couper got the Claymores to the Berlin 21 but a 42 yard FG try hit the right post. But the Thunder had jumped offside and another kick from 37 yards scored. 31-34. On the first Berlin play of their next drive, the ball was stripped from a receiver and Flickinger recovered it for the Claymores. They got to the Berlin 3 on a pass interference call and Simonton went in for his 3rd TD. 31-41. Robinson intercepted a tipped Berlin pass and Hicks powered in from 32 yards out on the offensive first play. 31-48.
   Robinson got his 2nd interception on the 2nd play of the 4th quarter. His return set up a 4th TD run for Simonton. 31-55. The Thunder were stopped on 4th down but the Claymores had to punt. They stopped Berlin again inside their 5 on a 4th down and worked out to their 8. Then Hicks set off on a league record-setting 92 yard TD run for a league record score of 31-62. And that was the end of the scoring.
   In conclusion, both offenses were scoring freely until the Claymores' defense got their act together in the second half. Berlin are used to losing their first couple of matches and ending up in a World Bowl. The Claymores went downhill after winning their first match last year. Maybe they can do better this time around.
The Enterprise found a derelict spacecraft the size of a shuttle -- containing a human corpse [Future Tense, 20:00, Sky One]. The body was 100 light years from Earth, where no human had any right to be, and it contained Vulcan and other DNA but T'Pol said interbreeding between Vulcans and humans was unlikely to work. The ship was also like the Tardis -- a whole lot bigger inside than out. The Suliban turned up and Captain B. Acula discovered that the ship had a temporal displacement drive, which the Suliban wanted, and it was from 900 years in the future. Then Tholians turned up wanting the wreck -- and while they were kicking ass with the Suliban, Tripp activated a beacon and everything associated with the wreck disappeared.

[Wednesday, 09th] NYPD Blue [Flight of Fancy] is disappearing down Channel 4's black hole -- it's now on at twenty past midnight on Tuesday; de facto Wednesday. Andy and Danny nicked a bloke carrying a cash register, he coughed to some burglaries then he led them to the long-dead body of a girl and he named a possible killer. Meanwhile, Captain Fancy got Lt. Dalto reassigned just as she was planning to shift the desks around and make Andy remove his fish tank. The dead girl's uncle was accused of abusing her. A Lt. Rodrigues took over the squad. The burglar then claimed that he saw the girl killed and his final offering was to admit that he did it. Then off to the pub to say nice things to Captain Fancy at his leaving do.
On The Bill [20:00, ITV 1], Mickey & co. were grabbed by Gregory and his allies but Mickey was able to hide his mobile in the little girl's pocket. Des and Gemma attended a road crash, in which a bloke was speared by a scaffolding pole and Mr. Wallace admitted killing his wife, thinking he was about to croak. The bloke's wife was still alive, but he was his 2nd wife. Okaro searched Gregory's solicitor's house after Meadows found a voicemail message from Mickey. Jim got the younger brother of the dead teacher out of the hands of schoolboy gangsters and resumed relations with his mum. The house where Wallace lived with his 1st wife was full of Poles. They ripped up the floorboards and found a skull. Wallace croaked as his wife was about to talk about her part in the murder, so she'll get away with it. And Okaro got to bust Gregory in person after tracking Mickey & co. down using an ice cream van. Finally, Gemma was landed with some woman and her family.
ER was in its usual state of confusion [Walk Like A Man, 21:00, Channel 4]. Dr. Weaver performed 2 flu shots with the same needle on TV, and Susan and Abby caught her shooting up in the toilets -- with hormones, she said. Luca was at it with a patient's mum, then he had to diagnose duff kidneys. Dr. Gallant lost a patient when a consultant took a risk with her and he decked a colleague who is full of himself. Weaver made Abby head nurse. Carter got round to talking to Abby about her drinking at the end. And the ER's fish are being fed by both Abby and the doctor who was decked.

[Thursday, 10th] On The Bill [20:00, ITV 1], Sun Hill's ancients were being targetted by a young thief, who was warning them not to go to the police. Much dancing around with Eric Sykes and an old lady, who kept running away from Des, Sgt. Murphy and Nick. The husband of Gemma's 'girlfriend' turned up at the nick looking for his wife and kids. Jim was hassling Nick again. Brandon's ex-wife, who ran off with another woman, turned up to complain about hate mail. Robby told her Bradford is obsessed with Brandon. An elderly victim of the thief pulled a gun on him and Eric Sykes belted him with his walking stick so that Nick could nick him. Then Nick had to tell Sgt. Murphy that he's not on drugs, he's missing Cass. So she sent him off on sick leave. Gemma's 'girlfriend' went back to her husband. Brandon's ex confronted Bradford and ended up being shoved down a staircase. Not a good day for female homosexualists.
The Time Team were following up on the bits found in the wells at the Gresham Street site in London [Hadrian's Well, 21:00, Channel 4]. A team of experts was 'rebuilding' the water-raising device for display at the Museum of London but, as Mick kept pointing out, there was so little of it left that most of what they were building was sheer conjecture. In fact, as Mick also said, they had no proof that the device had worked and they might have found the discarded left-overs of a failed Roman project! Even so, there was lots of unproductive discussion, and engineers attacking the structure with hammers, saws and chisels to get it to work -- which it did in the end. And it's now on show, in working order, at the museum.

[Friday, 11th] RAW [22:00, Sky Sport 1] opened with recaps and messing about, then Trash and Jazz went at it for a surprisingly long time. Of course, the new champ had to keep her belt. Lots more messing about, most of it involving Rocky, then RVD took on Chief Valbowski and the ref, with Lance Storm joining in for the crude swindle finish. Then RVD got to wipe out both bad guys. Nowinksi wound the crowd up with an anti-war message before Scott Steiner climbed out of the ring and flattened him on the ramp.
   The Rock versus Jeff Hardy was another long confrontation with Jeff mocking the People's Elbow and falling victim to a Rock Bottom. The Great One then called out Goldberg but he legged it twice -- before and after a sneak attack on Goldbert by Christian. Kane versus both Dudleys was fairly brief and settled with a 3D. Cue a brawl involving RVD, Storm and Valbowski. Bischoff drove to the ring in Stevo's truck to fool everyone, and J.R. quit during his harangue. The Coach took over his seat.
   Goldust versus Stevie Richards was a rather deliberate affair. Victoria supplied a chair too late to save her partner in crime. The Has Been Kid and Booker had to deal with Ric Flair and the ref as well as Y2J and Triple Tedious. Cut to a limo arriving, go to some ads, back to the match to see Booker eventually pin Triple Tedious. Cue a sneak attack by Flair and another fine display of WWE sportsmanship. The Hurricane joined in briefly then Kevin Nash strolled out to wipe out Jericho and Flair, and make TT slink away like a whipped dog.

[Saturday, 12th] SmackDown! [22:10, Sky Sports 1] began with Matt Hardy belting the Gorilla with his belt and doing some bashing. A rather slow affair ended with an F5. A 10 minute recap of 'Hulkamania Is Dead' then Torri and Kendrick took on Nidia and Noble; with some woman called Sable looking on. The match started with Kendrick getting a good battering and degenerated into a complete shambles until Torrie DDT'd Nidia. Benoit versus Rhyno was a No. 1 Contender match. A long, grim struggle ended in a pin for the Crappler and a rare handshake between the competitors.
   Vince revived Piper's Pit after 14 years, and wasted a lot of time.. In Team Angle versus Tajiri and Mysterio, Charlie Haas suffered a dropkick while in a Tarantula. Lots of good value before Haas took a 619 and a leg drop ahead of a pin by Mysterio. Bill DeMott lasted just a couple of minutes against Nathan Jones. A big boot in the mush settled it. Jones was 'arrested' thanks to the Wop Patrol ahead of Taker's match with Cena, who took a battering until he was allowed to get his steel chain out. The ref got himself wiped out. Cue the Wop Patrol to wipe out Taker so Cena could get a pin. How tedious and predictable.
   This was a very thin show with far too much messing about.

[Sunday, 13th] The NFL Europe match [18:00, sky Sports 3] featured the Frankfurt Galaxy in Scotland after a quick look at Barcelona beating the Admirals 10-7. The Claymores received the opening kick off and got away with a forward pass on a play which included a face mask penalty against Franfurt, and took them to the Frankfurt 25. A 23 yard TD pass from Nall to Bright ended the drive. 0-7. Frankfurt went 3 and out but Rooths failed to hold on to the punt and the Galaxy recovered the ball at the Claymores' 27. A 25 yard TD pass from Brown to Lester evened the scores. 7-7. Evans stopped the Claymores with a sack on Nall. Brown was sacked while scrambling and the Galaxy also went on to punt.
   In the 2nd quarter, the Claymores punted. Gray, on as QB for the Galaxy, dropped the ball when sacked but his team recovered it. He was sacked again on the next play and Frankfurt punted. Stafford came on for the Claymores and was intercepted by Barnes on his first play. Frankfurt had to punt. The Claymores got close enough to try a 37 yard FG, but the kick missed. Frankfurt were at the Claymores 6 at the 2 minute warning. They had to kick the FG twice after a delay of game call on the first kick -- and the second missed. In the minute left, Stafford was intercepted again off a tipped ball but no further scoring.
   With Gray back at QB, the Galaxy reached the Claymores' 20 and kicked a FG. 10-7. The Claymores missed another FG try. In the 4th quarter, Frankfurt reached the Claymores' 3 and Lewis went in on the ground. 17-7. The Claymores punted and the Galaxy missed another FG. Barnes intercepted Nall to give the ball to Frankfurt but Robinson recovered a fumble for the Claymores.
   With a couple of minutes left, the home team advanced to the Frankfurt 3 on a chain of passes and a TD pass to Kent finished the drive. The extra point was botched -- the ball flew through the holder's hands, and the on-side kick try was grabbed by the Frankfurt punter. Final score, 17-13 and Scotland had lost their second match, just like last year.
   In the final match of the day, the Thunder lost at home to Rhein Fire.

[Monday, 14th] On Enterprise, the captain and Tucker were missing from a battered shuttle [Canamar, 20:00, Sky One]. They were heading for the prison planet Canamar as suspected smugglers. They were about to be released when a prisoner took over the ship. The bad guy was planning to dive the ship into the atmosphere of a planet to let it turn up while he escaped in a second ship. Only half the crew of Enterprise were aboard when the rescue ship docked. Captain B. Acula couldn't resist handing on for a final punch-up with the bad guy and he was highly indignant about his false arrest afterwards.

[Wednesday, 16th] Bradford fled the scene of her crime on The Bill [20:00, ITV 1]. She made a 999 call from a phone box then she when she went back to retrieve a wing mirror, which she had knocked off someone's car, dodging ambulance men and coppers. She noticed the CCTV cameras and nicked the tape. The good news for her is that McAllister got the job of investigating and she soon made Brandon the prime suspect, with the help of Ros, for whom Tania left Brandon. Bradford got herself attached to the investigation and she ploughed a merry furrow of disinformation. But Brandon has to be pretty safe, given McAllister's proven track record for screwing up.
It was Halloween on ER [Hopeless Wound, 21:00, Channel 4], Carter turned up in a skeleton suit, Abby was wearing a traditional nurse's outfit and no one else bothered. Romano was practising surgery one-handed on a live pig! And he had a crisis of confidence. A big rush of burned patients from a fire at a party. Corday had a student with Parkinson's Disease and she lost her wedding ring down the plug hole of the scrubroom sink while Romano was harassing her. Luka was arguing with everyone and there's something going on with Weaver -- who's probably about to have a shock-horror sex-change. And at the end, Romano cheered himself up by using keyhole surgery instruments to retrieve Corday's wedding ring.

[Thursday, 17th] WPC Bradford started this episode of The Bill [20:00, ITV 1] fleeing the country, but she showed up at Sun Hill nick to continue the good work of bamboozling her colleagues. Ruby busted an old mate of Honey's for a racial assault, she couldn't believe he'd done it but she ended up helping to bust the guy when he and 2 mates ambushed Ruby. Bradford told McAllister she's pregant by Brandon while giving him an alibi for the assault on Tania -- Brandon was beating her up at the time, she said! The Aussie and Luke were confessing to each other, the one that he has a daughter from a fling with an air-head back-packer, who's an unfit mother, and he wants to go home; the other that he's a homosexualist.
   Bradford arrested Ros for the assault on Tania, who was switched off, brain dead -- and Ros admitted sending the hate mail. Robby shot her mouth off once too often and had Bradford threatening her. Tania's death was written off as an accident and Drummond told McAllister that DCI Meadows had called in MIT because he hadn't trusted her to run the case. And Gemma nicked a TV weather girl for theft and she accused Gemma of sexual assault. Quite a busy episode.

[Good Friday, 18th] Lots of fireworks for Kevin Nash at the start of RAW [22:00, Sky Sports 1] but Triple Tedious and the Has Been Kid turned up to jaw and that was 20 minutes wasted. Test(icles) has fallen out with Stacy, and she was showing her bum to the crowd during his match with Y2J, and in the end, Jericho sneaked up on an outraged Test. Trash and Ivory versus Victoria and Jazz was a 'welcome back' for Ivory and pay-back for Jazz after Trash's swindle last week. Backstage, Goldust tried to give Goldberg a long, blond wig because he thinks they're related.
   There was lots of good stuff when RVD and Kane took on Storm and Valbowski in a no-DQ match for the tag belts. Storm hit RVD with a dustbin and he did the same to the ring steps while Kane was wielding them, felling the big man. The Dudleys got involved, Valbowski received a Vandaminator and Storm had a steel chair kicked into his face by RVD leaping from one corner to another.
   Mucho messing about, including a word from the Rock of Jabroni by satellite. Christian took less than a minute to kick Goldust south of the border and get himself disqualified. Then he weighed in with a steel chair. Then he called Goldberg out -- and suffered a splatting! A Steiner/Nowinski debate on the Iraq war? Cue an assault involving the Fat Bastards and Freako.
   Finally, Booker and the Hurricane faced Triple Tedious and Flair to give Booker a shot at the championship belt. The match was headed for shambles right from the start, with the ref soon loosing what little control he had. Enter the HBK to boot Flair in the mush so that Hurricane could pin him. And a grand brawl to finish.

[Saturday, 19th] SmackDown, held up by cricket [22:47, Sky Sports 2], started with Rey Mysterio and Tajiri versus Albert and Big Show. The little guys put on a great show for about 10 minutes before they were wiped out. But afterwards, Albert received a well deserved faceful of green stuff and Mysterio got in a 619 on Big Show using the post. Cena busted into a Brock Lesnar appreciation and the Crappler joined in. And that was 20 minutes wasted. The Creep and Jamie Noble actually managed some proper wrestling(!) before a frog splash settled it. Then Team Angle let themselves by clonked by the Guerreros.
   Backstage messing about. A rant from cod Scotsman Roddy Piper. Jimmy 'Superfly' Snuka and Rikishi joined in, only to suffer ritual humiliation by Piper and Sean O'Haire. Sable was the ref for Torrie versus Nidia, and she drop-kicked Jamie Noble when he tried to horn in while Nidia was in a pin hold. Brian Kendrick put on a good show against Matt Hardy before he had to lie down. Nathan Jones was supposed to go at it with Nunzio, but the rest of the Wop Patrol joined in for a 2-minute shambles.
   Cena versus Benoit included a big break for adverts - strange they can't replace messing about rather than ring action. The Crappler did a kamikaze plunge off the post after nearly 15 minutes but he came back -- but not far enough. Cena rolled him up in an excellent pinning move and won a title shot at Backlash.

[Sunday, 20th] The NFL Europe replay [07:30, Sky Sports 2] had the Claymores versus the Rhein Fire in Gelsenkirchen. Rhein returned the opening kick off to their 44 but got a holding penalty on their first play, and went on to punt. The Claymores went 3 and out, which was the story of their day. Rhein got things moving and Rolovich hit Newson with a 33 yard pass, which finished with him sliding into the end zone. 0-7. The Claymores started at their 49 after a face mask penalty against Rhein, but they still went 3 and out. Advancing on the ground and in the air, Rhein were stopped and they tried a 46 yard FG. But a bobbled hold left them scrambling and coming up 3 yards short of a 1st down. 3 and out again for the Claymores.
   In the 2nd quarter, Rhein failed to hold on to the Claymores' punt and Mallan recovered it at the Rhein 20. Stafford took the Claymores to the 3 but they had to kick a FG. 3-7. Griesen came on as QB for Rhein, and he hit Adams with an 11 yard TD pass. 3-14. Stafford's 5th interception of the season stopped the Claymores. A 1 yard TD pass, again to Adams, gave the home team a 3-20 lead after a bad snap messed up the extra point try.
   The Claymores started the 3rd quarter with a holding penalty on their way to going 3 and out again. But Rogers picked off Rolovich's first play. Rhein stopped the Claymores with a sack on Nall and a 46 yard FG try was wide left. Rhein's next drive ended with a 38 yard FG try which was well right. Their next drive was all Denson on the ground. He gained 71 yards, including a 3 yard TD run early in the 4th quarter. 3-27.
   The Claymores advanced to the Rhein 5 and Simonton went in on the ground. 10-27. Moreau took a spell as running back -- both he and Denson had both gained 100+ yards by now. The Claymores made him fumble but Rhein recovered the ball -- and punted. With Stafford back, the Claymores reached the Rhein 1 and McCready hung on to a TD pass on 4th down. 17-27. The Claymores had 2 goes at an on-side kick but Rhein grabbed the second. The Claymores did get the ball back but they were trying too hard and a 93 yard interception return for a TD ran the clock out. 17-34.
   In Conclusion: Rhein Fire were in charge. They played well and the only thing they need to be worried about is the number of stupid personal foul penalties that they gave away. Elsewhere, Amsterdam lost in Barcelona, and Berlin lost in Frankfurt.
The San Marino Grand Prix [12:05, ITV 1] began with an all-Schumacher front row Ralf nipped past his brother right away but he had to pit first and the Forces of Evil put in some hot laps. Montoya's race was ruined by a combination of badly balanced tyres and a fuelling rig which wouldn't work. Raikkonen held on to his championship lead by finishing between the Ferraris. Coulthard, who started 12th, was a distant 5th behind Ralf Schumacher. Commiserations to both Schumacher brothers on the death of their mother.

[Monday, 21st] A big ship doing warp 6 swallowed up Enterprise [The Crossing, 20:00, Sky One]. It turned out to be full of non-corporeal aliens, which wanted to swap bodies with the crew. Captain B. Acula told them to release his ship after Trip was infested. Malcolm was next, and he got inappropriate with T'Pol. Everyone acting strangely was locked in their quarters and the rest of the crew took refuge on the catwalk. The aliens' ship was decaying and they needed corporeal bodies. The doctor gassed everyone not on the catwalk with carbon dioxide to drive the aliens out, and Enterprise legged it after zapping the alien ship.

[Tuesday, 22nd] Lots of aggro to start The Bill [20:00, ITV 1]. An ex-fence had his hands smashed, Gemma wasn't getting much sympathy and the Aussie did quite well with a burglary victim, who later had a go at Des. Nick looks like hell and owes his pusher £250. Drummond and Mickey busted the hand-cripper, who turned out to be the ex-husband of the burglary victim, who caught Gary with his trousers down (he'd spilled tea on them). Nixon blackmailed the weather girl into giving up on the complaint against Gemma as she'd been let off the shoplifting charge -- but she'd been captured doing it on CCTV. Gemma and Luke had a long-running saga with a suicidal 14-year-old. The Aussie told Gemma that Luke is also a homosexualist. And at the end, some woman battered Gemma and Nick got friendly with his pusher's girlfriend.

[Wednesday, 23rd] NYPD Blue [Love Hurts, 00:15, Channel 4] had Andy and Danny dealing with a moonlighting cop, who'd been car-jacked and shot. His girlfriend thought it was her ex-husband who'd dunnit. Greg and Jones deal with a store owner, who'd resisted a robbery with an illegal gun. Greg got everyone to say the bloke had grabbed a gun from one of the perps, but he had to revert to the truth when a bloke in a flat across the street was found shot dead by a stray bullet. The ex-husband said he was with his ex-wife's sister. The shot cop was actually with a black junkie prostitute, who'd set him up. Diane made a date with a doctor who'd treated her late husband. The new lieutenant frightened the cop-shooter into confessing -- and got right up Andy's nose for butting in. The shot cop jumped to his death from his hospital window. And Andy and his ex-wife are getting re-married.
Dr. Nathan, Dr. Corday's Parkinson's student, wasn't happy about not being allowed to work 32 hours straight on ER [One Can Only Hope, 21:00, Channel 4]. Abby's brother brought in a barfing girlfriend -- and ended up being dragged out by the MPs as a deserter from the US forces. There was a 14-year-old girl who kept going to sleep, Dr. Corday was agonizing over telling her she'd been raped but she turned out to be a drug-taking nympho. Carter and Nathan fell out when Nathan talked a terminal patient into getting onto a transplant list in the hope that it would give her time for a cure for her genetic defect to be discovered. Nathan got to do his long sting, and Luca's having his character trashed.

[Thursday, 24th] Aggro between Peter and Barry Lyons at the funeral of their criminal dad to start The Bill [20:00, ITV 1]. Peter's kid was kidnapped and Gemma was thinking about quitting after finding herself unwittingly in a homosexualist triangle. Des rescued Sgt. Murphy at a crack house bust. Bob Cryer returned to deal with his old snout, Peter Lyons, and fall foul of DI Nixon. Cryer cracked the kidnapping -- Barry Lyons was told to kill his brother Peter's wife after Pete grassed up their old man 9 years before. But he couldn't go through with it. And when Cryer saw the 'dead' woman, he put everything together -- and ended up looking into a gun again. Meanwhile, Nick and his pusher's girlfriend were in a crack house when the woman's daughter took some crack. So Nick shoved them in a taxi and sent them to hospital. And Gary found Nick's driving licence when the mother did a runner and he was trying to track her down.

[Friday, 25th] The Hurricane started well against Y2J on RAW [21:00, Sky Sports 3], went off, came back, went too far and ended up in a Walls of Jericho before he had to lie down and let Flair kick his ass. Rodney Mack, with the racialist Teddy Long hovering, whomped some anonymous white guy in less than 5 minutes. Lita's back, recovered from her broken neck, so Bischoff rained on her parade and she walked out on him. The ref let both Fat Bastards have a go at either Scott Steiner or Test in what was supposed to be a regular tag match. He also ignored Freako's contributions. Test was zapped while he was watching Stacy after Steiner saved her from Freako, so Steiner finished things off.
   The Rock Show II wasted a lot of time while the Great One did some crap singing and fooled around with Goldberg. Spike and Trash found themselves facing the Dudleys. Bubbah wiped both of them out, so RVD and Kane wiped out the Dudleys, and Chief Valbowski, who'd ordered the Dudleys to put Trash through a table. Enter Jazz with the racialist Teddy Long to zap Trash. More Rock Music until Goldberg and Christian arrived for a brawl. Finally, Booker T versus Triple Tedious had the Has Been Kid as the ref, and Jericho and Flair joining in. A long battle descended into show motion and we had a crude shambles finish. Another very thin show.

[Saturday, 26th] Cena opened SmackDown! [22:15, late due to boxo, Sky Sports 1] with a rant then Rhyno turned up for a violent struggle -- and let himself be pinned. Loads of messing about. Nunzio looked less than a match for the Crappler, but after he tapped out in a cross-face, he got to join the rest of the Wop Patrol in a crude assault. Backstage, Tajiri and Funaki upset Big Show by watching him get a 619 on video. Then Mysterio took on Crash, who's Matt Hardy's latest 'disciple', with Shannon Moore shoving his nose in. After a slow start, Mysterio polished off the opposition. Rikishi versus Roddy Piper was just an excuse for a crude assault by O'Haire.
   Sable's bikini show ended in a crude assault on Torrie. Then Shelton Benjamin and Chavo Guerrero actually managed a lot of wrestling among the routine cheatin', with Team Angle outsmarting the devious Mexicans. The Big Show versus Tajiri? The smaller man got in a few licks but he was fated to be killed. But the Show got himself counted out while messing with Mysterio on the outside, so a 'win' for Tajiri. Finally, Albert and the Gorilla was big-time violence until Cena poked his nose in and we ended on another crude assault. A thin show with a single theme -- crude assaults. Sack the script writers, Steph.

[Sunday, 27th] The NFL Europe replay [21:30, Sky Sports 3] featured the Claymores at Berlin's Olympic stadium, where the weather was sunny but the field was slippery and the wind was strong enough to give the kickers problems. The Thunder started in relentless form, driving to the Claymores' 23, when Burris fired a TD pass to Allen. 0-7. Nall was sacked for a 3 yard loss while scrambling on the Claymores' first play but they reached the Berlin 29 and Simonton stormed into the end zone. 7-7. Scott lost a monster pass reception for Berlin at the Claymores' goal line because he'd pushed off, and Berlin punted away their second possession. The Claymores came back at them with a 10 yard TD pass to Bright. 14-7. Coleman returned the kick off to the Claymores' 45 but it was called back to the Berlin 20 for holding.
   With Stambaugh at QB, Berlin moved well, they made a 4th and 1 foot at the Claymores' 13, but they were stopped at the 7 and had to kick a FG. 14-10. The Claymores' next drive included big runs from Hicks and Malan. Hicks reached the end zone, but the TD was called back for holding and the Claymores ended up kicking a 32 yard FG. 17-10. Allen promptly levelled the scores by getting a lucky bounce and returning the kick off 74 yards for a TD! 17-17. The Claymores reached Berlin territory but had to punt. But the Thunder couldn't hold on to the kick and the Claymores grabbed the ball -- and got a 29 yard FG out of their turnover. 20-17. Berlin went 3 and out on a sack, leaving a minute of the first half for the Claymores to burn.
   Chapman returned the kick off to the 50 yard line but the Claymores began the first drive of the 3rd quarter with a false start. Simonton made a 4th and 1, Nall was sacked at the Berlin 23 but he fired a TD pass to Simonton. 27-17. Berlin reached mid-field before Lockhart intercepted Burris. The Thunder got the ball back 2 plays later when a pass bounced off Couper's hands. Berlin went for a 50 yard FG but they drew a 'delay of game' penalty and punted instead -- and then stopped the Claymores.
   Berlin punted in the 4th quarter. The Claymores recovered a fumble by Simonton on the way to going 3 and out. Berlin did the same, and punted twice after the Claymores had 12 men on the field. Pinned back at his 6, Nall hit McCready with a pass, which he took to the Berlin 40. The Claymores reached the 6, went back on a false start, and scored with a TD pass to Shepherd. 34-17 after 2 extra point kicks. Then there was time enough left for poor old Stambaugh to get a battering before the Claymores ran out the clock.
   In conclusion: The Claymores are 2-2, having beaten Berlin twice and lost to each of the other German-based teams. Elsewhere, it was Rhein 3, Barcelona 11 (thanks to 4 points for a 50 yard FG) and Frankfurt 16, Amsterdam 20.

[Monday, 28th] Cap'n B. Acula of the Enterprise was on trial by the Klingons [Judgement, 20:00, Sky One]. He shamed his advocate into doing a proper job at the kangaroo court and they were both sent to the dilithium mines -- the captain as an alternative to the death penalty and the advocate for being cheeky to the court. But the sneaky Earthers bribed the captain out of gaol.

[Tuesday, 29th] On The Bill [20:00, ITV 1], Gary braced Nick about his driving licence and the crack kid, someone was stealing from the locker room and the crack kid's mother is Sgt. Boyden's daughter. The Aussie nicked a bloke who bashed a yob who was about to spray-paint a war memorial. Boyden had a brush with DI Nixon's kid and he busted his own daughter. The Aussie was suspected of being the thief when Danny picked up the Aussie's identical mobile by mistake and Nick nicked Danny's. Nixon's kid was brought in to the nick after OD-ing and Nixon told her she doesn't know who her dad is - the kid's a product of a one-night stand, which is a lie. Like anyone cares!

[Wednesday, 30th] Back with The Bill [20:00, ITV 1], Des and Reg attended an aggravated burglary. Jim and Gary set a trap for Nick while Okaro and Gold watched them via a secret camera in the locker room. The son was in on the burglary -- and it turned out that he had been adopted from scumbags. Nick went burgling, fell into Jim and Gary's trap but escaped. Des and Reg nicked the burgling son's real dad when he collected the loot. The boy burglar jumped off a roof and his brother reckons Boyden told him to go ahead and do it. Nick got violent with some muggers, then Jim busted him and Okaro sent him off to rehab. Finally, a journalist told Boyden that Nixon's ex-boyfriend, the father of her daughter, murdered another kid when he was 7! And this after she'd threatened to make Boyden's life hell.