2009/October    final	Every edition of BFN is compiled in accordance with official 10 Downing Street guidelines on accuracy and veracity.

CLIMATE CRIMINALS    Swindling climate scroungers exposed This month, the cabinet of the Maldives government issued a photograph of a meeting held 20ft underwater to pretend that the islands are at risk from rising sea-levels.    One small problem, however – Dr Nils-Axel Morner, the former head of the International Commission on Sea Level Change, has carried out extensive research in the region. His team found that the average sea level from 1790 to 1970 was 20 centimetres higher than the current level, and the present lower level is stable and shows no sign of increasing.    As President Mohammed Nasheed and his ministers are fully aware of Professor Morner' findings, and they are unwilling to put taxes on their own tourist industry to 'save the planet', they have been added to the roster of Climate Criminals, who are trying to extort taxpayers' cash from friendless, gullible and senseless foreign leaders such Gordon Brown.

DEPARTURES    Joseph Wiseman, 91 He was a character actor who did lots of stuff in his long career, like playing Charlie Chan when he got in to films, but his Big Impact was as Dr. No in the eponymous 1962 James Bond film. [Note: he's nothing to do with Ernie Wiseman, b.k.a. 'Little Ern' of Morcambe & Wise fame.]  DEPARTURES    Vic Mizzy, 93 As a composer, he worked with the top names in the music, film & TV businesses for decades, but he made his Big Impact with his finger-snapping theme tune for the TV version of The Addams Family (1962-64) and he held on to the publishing rights, which made him rich as well as talented.

HOME NEWS  Bullet Hole In Foot? Sir C. Kelly, chairman of the Committee on Standards in Public Life, is alleged to be making 'sweeping' changes to parliamentary allowances. Part of the plan is to stop MPs employing relatives as secretaries, research assistants, etc. But if this rule is applied, there's going to be a rush to employment tribunals as wives, husbands, children, etc. object to being sacked not for their own misconduct but because of the criminal behaviour of public servants. More dosh for the lawyers! MPs are griping about having retrospective rules applied to their expenses claims. They reckon it's not fair. So why did they vote for retrospective rules to be applied to taxing what they considered to be 'gas guzzler' vehicles? Or retrospective tax changes for freelance contractors? Or the ban on reclaiming Advance Corporation Tax? And so on. Obviously, its one rule for the customers and one for the swindlers. No Griffin without New Labour & the Beeb? Who was the real loser on BBC TV's Nick Griffin Question Time? Probably J. Straw, the Justice Min., who lied his head off shamelessly and transparently about New Labour's lack of immigration controls while calling Mr. Griffin of the BNP the worst man in the world. One cheer for . . . what? Apparently, it's Black History Month – but what's it all about? Black ops? The Men in Black? The Black Hole of Calcutta? Black humour? The Black Hole in the economy? [No, that hole's Brown. Ed.] No, it's just an outbreak of routine racial partiality of the sort that ensures there's never a White History Month. A correspondent writes . . . "My email in-box is full of messages from suppliers like Amazon assuring me that if I order something, the delivery won't be affected by the postal strike. Which leaves me asking, Does anyone use the Royal Mail any more? Or is it a purely philatelic organization now?"

SCAM NEWS    Question Time fall-out! Why was J. Straw so evasive when asked about British immigration policy on the Nick Griffin Show? Because he was one of the architects of a policy to dilute the British national identity and import a vast gang of Labour-voting immigrants. And the inevitable leak has revealed that he is directly responsible, with T. Blair and the other New Labour geniuses, for the rise of the BNP as the only voice raised in protest against New Labour's social engineering by stealth and the growth of diversity fascism. No wonder the country's broke The Association of Cheap Police Officers (ACPO) is spending £9 million pounds per year on tracking the Labour party's enemies as part of a stealth campaign to monitor Britain's "domestic extremists".    This term was invented by ACPO but it has no legal substance. Anyone who challenges Labour policy at a public meeting or demonstration, or who takes exception to a company which supports New Labour, is liable to be photographed, have their vehicle details and address recorded, and be featured on a 'spotter card' showing known enemies of the state.    Card criminals, most of whom have done nothing illegal, are liable to constant vehicle checks for no apparent reason and specially aggressive 'stop & search' tactics whenever they venture out of doors.

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CLIMATE NEWS    "Forget the facts" is okay, apparently Around 20% of the United States of America is covered by the greatest October snowfalls for ages. Records which were set as long ago as the 1920s have tumbled. This is the third year in succession that winter has started with unusually large amounts of snow across the world. The extent of the summer ice-melt in both the Arctic and the Antarctic continues to decrease. But the British government is still trying to swindle us with over-priced 'green' electricity in the name of reducing global warming. "Forget the facts" is okay, apparently part II "For the planet, there is no Plan B," G. Brown reckons in an official leak of a speech on climate change. Unfortunately, there is no Plan A, either. Just Global Warming Stealth Taxes applied by dishonest politicians, who know they can do nothing helpful for either the planet or its residents. 2 questions for Global Warming Swindler G. Brown 1. "How is stopping all human-generated emissions of carbon dioxide – never mind just some – going to have the slightest effect on global warming and save us from a Brown Plague of killer heatwaves, floods and droughts?" 2. "Doesn't he know that the historical record shows that carbon dioxide levels in the atmosphere increase after the Earth has warmed up and there is no evidence that reducing atmospheric carbon dioxide will make the Earth get cooler? Mainly because, compared to water vapour, the contribution to global warming from human generated carbon dioxide is totally insignificant." Pulling a Leg off the Ant Won't Save the Planet

CLIMATE VIEWS    Shoot the messenger if the message is garbage "Using less energy and giving less cash to power companies, most of them foreign rip-off merchants who are screwing the British market rotten, is a good idea. But all the carbon-crap baggage is just total bollux."    Laxative M. Burnous <lbm2001@aminta.com.pl>

CRIME NEWS  Police-spotting, the new urban hobby? Thanks to a duodecade of New Labour meddling, coppers spend less than 6 hours per week out on the streets, at risk of being harassed by the public. They are now adopting a 'fire brigade' policy to crime – strolling to the scene of a crime when they feel able to leave their computers rather than being handy to dash to the trouble spot. Pounding beats is now the province of Blunkett Bobbies, Community Support Patrols and other police substitutes. It takes one to know one Why are we not surprised that Lord Sleaze, who got away with a criminal mortgage scam, is on the side of Labour MPs who don't want to pay back swindled expense?    And why are we not surprised that the ex-home sec, J. Smiff, won't have to pay back the £100,000 she did the taxpayer for by pretending to be living in her sister's spare room? The way ahead New Labour plans to close all of the courts eventually, put the obstructive judiciary out of work, and administer 'justice' via spot fines. The first step in Justice Minister J. Straw's madcap plan is to close 20 magistrates' courts, with 9 more in London to go fairly quickly, and one county court as a pilot project. "Your co-operation is requested!" Police officers hoping to taser a stroppy customer have to ask the criminal to turn his/her back now. Why? To avoid being sued for putting the criminal at risk of a heart attack due to electrocution. Political Correctness warning The police are not allowed to say "Evening, All" any more. Apparently, people from ethnic minorities can't handle the concept of morning, noon & night and the police are not allowed to embarrass them by underlining this deficiency.

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DOSH NEWS    Rising to the surface Adam Applecart, the man who ran the Northern Rock bank into the ground with his reckless management tactics, at huge expense to the poor old taxpayer, has taken a job with an American firm, which hopes to use his inside knowledge to pick over the rotting remains for worthwhile scraps, at further cost to the British taxpayer. This is what passes for sound business practice in Brown's Britain. Not exactly chump change! The news that Cherie Blair, wife of the disgraced ex-prime monster, paid out over a million quid for a sixth property 'in cash' has left our readers wondered if she hauled bundles of £50 notes out of her handbag or one of the Blairs' fleet of 10 Scotland Yard bodyguards was lumbering it around in a cashbox of the sort used to deliver lesser amounts of cash to banks. A Fix Went In? The Royal Mail is heading for extinction as its major customers make other arrangements with a suicidal Xmas national postal strike looming. So what is the Dept. of Business doing about this in the way of banging heads together? Abso-bloody-lutely nothing! Which rather suggests that Lord Sleaze, who is normally a hyper-active meddler, has done a disappearing act of the sort favoured by G. Brown when the going gets tough. Which leaves the rest of us wondering if his lordship isn't doing a favour for some rich, hospitality providing mates, who are hoping to pick the bones when the Royal Mail is no more. It's official – blood-sucking is endemic at Westminster Over half of the nation's MPs, including G. Brown, have claimed anything & everything on their expenses because it's only taxpayers' cash. But they are going to have to pay back a cosmetic amount of it, and they won't have to pay extra for their swindles, like tax-dodgers. Financial Contribution TESCO has come up with a solution to the problem of BOGOF offers which leave people thinking: "I can't handle two of those at once." TESCO plans to issue dated vouchers to let the customer pick up the other half of the Buy One, Get One Later during their next shopping trip.     BlackFlag News says: "Why don't the stupid bastards just sell the item at half price?" Like that's going to make it go away! Gordon Brown has drawn a line under the Brown Slump and moved on because there's nothing he can do to fix the problem and he has to let it solve itself. So his next BIG IDEA is to trying to persuade us that he's saved the country from a "Double Dip" recession and a second Brown Slump which never happened.

FAIR GAME NEWS    Polish off a parrot Imported green parrots have done so well in Britain that they are now classed as vermin along with crows, magpies and gulls. Which means that land owners and householders are entitled to blast them if the parrots start making nuisances of themselves. Resistance is futile! Sir Thomas Legg is the target of New Labour's latest smear campaign. This career civil servant has finally grown a few teeth and nipped the ankles of some of the expenses swindlers at Westminster. Gordon Brown gave him the job of working out who stole what, and ended up with a bill for £12K for his own swindles! He seems to be resigned to paying up but other members of the Labour party have started sleazing the instrument of their undoing as a protest at having to return loot to which they were never entitled in the first place. Tell 'em anything as long as you get elected Commons Squeaker J. Bercow promised to clean up Westminster but he's now acting as the swindlers' shop steward and he's a mortgage over-claimer to boot. (And he should be. Booted.)

FOODY NEWS Deadly Fish Warning! Vietnamese River Cobbler, a.k.a. Panga, is the cod of the 21st century. It's white, it's wobbly and it doesn't have much taste, but it's cheap. There is one small problem with it, however – it's raised in the Mekong river, which is heavily polluted with bacteria from sewage and industrial waste containing heavy metals and all sorts of lethal organic chemicals. And the farmers load their fish with Chinese hormone preparations to increase the yield. But at least it's not radioactive!

HEALTH NEWS It's Official! We all knew it had to be so, but a study has confirmed that magnetic and copper bracelets do absolutely nothing to alleviate the symptoms of arthritis. Which won't impress the people making a living out of this multi-million pound industry. Tooth-rot in bottles! Red wine leaves unsightly blotches on teeth but switching to white isn't the answer. White wine erodes tooth enamel and brushing hastens the enamel removal, making the teeth overly sensitive to hot and cold foods. The good news is that you have to soak your teeth in wine for 24 hours to achieve the above, which doesn't happen too often in the real world.

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ROMILEY NEWS More cash down the drain Romiley used to have a grassy, people-parking area next to the Forum. But Stockport council, in its infinite wisdom, decided to flatten the whole thing and replace it by another stretch of Pavement of Death. Why? According to the council, the vandalism counts as 'improvements', which leaves us at BFN wondering why the quarter of a million pounds could not have been spent on repairing broken pavements just outside the centre of the village. Romiley sets the art agenda? Everyone had a bit of a laugh at Jeff Hardly's installation Emptiness In A Dark Room, which was shown in the Romiley Forum Annex in 2004. But a Polish imitator, Miroslaw Balka, evidently thinks the concept has legs. Which has to be why he has staged a similar project, but bigger, at the Tate Modern's Turbine Hall 5 years later.    Mr. Balka reckons: "the darkness in my creation is a metaphor for life." Mr. Hardly, who has to be acknowledged as the pioneer of the Total Darkness As Art school, told BlackFlag News that his original installation was intended to be a humorous comment on the pretensions of installers.

SCIENCE NEWS Believe it, or what! Some people see the Large Hadron Collider, the gadget which CERN hopes to uses to investigate the existence of the Higgs' boson "God" particle, as the way the world will end. They are afraid that it will create a swarm of mini-black holes, which will eat the Earth! Luckily, the £5 BILLION system keeps breaking down.    One theory of why this is happening is that the future is a self-regulating entity and it can trigger events in the past to protect its future existence.    Those with their feet a bit closer to the ground know that an Algerian-French scientist at CERN was busted this month for his connections with Al Kaida. Which leaves us at BFN thinking that other bad guys sabotaging the Big Gadget for their own nefarious reasons makes more sense than putting it down to the future reaching back into the past.

SPACE NEWS  Big build-up, even bigger non-event! NASA promised a dust plume 6 miles high when a Centaur rocket stage then the $79 million LCROSS probe slammed into the crater Cabeus at the Moon's south pole. The 5,600 mph impact was expected to form a new crater 12 miles across and shoot up dust, which could be analyzed for evidence of water (or ice) available at the surface of the Moon.    Sadly, the event, which was shown live on TV around the world, was a dead loss as a spectacle – no huge shower of dust when the Centaur rocket hit and just a blank screen when LCROSS and its camera hit. But the guys in the NASA back room, which served as mission control, looked happy enough as they switched off the PCs and headed for the pub. NASA now has 2 theories as to why the mission flopped. Either 1. the probes went SPLAT on hard rock and didn't throw up any bits or 2. the probes went SPLUTCH into deep moondust, which absorbed the impact completely.  • The phone lines to NASA HQ in Washington were jammed by nutters wanting to know if the missile attack would chance the Moon's orbit and cause floods on the Earth due to changes in the tides.

SPORTS NEWS  Winning plus talking the points on offer is what counts Congrats to J. Button for playing a blinder in Brazil and doing enough to clinch the Formula One drivers' championship with one race still to go. Congrats also to Brawn, his phoenix team, which rose from the ashes of Honda to take the constructors' championship at the end of their first year of existence.    Nerves were well racked when Brawn struggled after spectacular success at the start of the season, but True British Grit showed through. It was also good to see Red Bull and Toyota getting up to the front as the new big boys, and McLaren finally cobbling a better act together after a flop of a season for outgoing champ Lewis Hamilton. (also British)

TRAVEL NEWS  It's the way he tells them! A wiseguy solicitor has invented a way to get clients off a charge of using a mobile phone while driving. He just tells the court that the client was using the mobile as a dictaphone and recording a joke, or a reminder about something vital. Apparently, having a 2-way conversation on a mobile phone is illegal but a one-way conversation with a dictaphone isn't.

WAR NEWS Whoops! What do you get when you send Sweden's equivalent of the SAS out on a training exercise? Something very close to an actual operation when they make a boob with their navigation and attack a family home instead of an empty house, which they had permission to blow up. The owners of the exploded house, which lost its back and front doors, and all the windows, had the good sense to be out when Unit K3 called. Disclaimer When Gordon Brown promises to do "Whatever is necessary" for troops in New Labor's foreign wars, that doesn't include providing enough manpower, enough equipment and vehicles, and sufficient helicopters to get the job done and keep British casualty numbers as low as possible. Warmonger gets Nobel Prize! What's up with that! President Al O'Bama of the United States of America was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize on the day when NASA launched an unprovoked attack on another sovereign state. Rockets and missiles were launched at a crater in the south polar region of the Moon; an area which has shown no hostile intent at all toward the US of A.  • Britain's disgraced ex-prime monster, T. "Smug Bugger" Blair, is reported to be livid that he didn't get a Nobel, too. The fix is pending A report on war crimes in Gaza has been referred to the UN Security Council. The section on Israel's war crimes is expected to be white-washed by the United States and the European Union while the small section involving Hamas is likely to be black-washed to the max. British sense of fair play kicks in The attempt by the BBC and the government to 'get' British National Party leader Nick Griffin has backfired. His treatment on BBC TV's Question Time, with its carefully selected hostile audience, was so blatantly biased against him that he and his party benefitted from a large sympathy vote. Mr. Griffin was handed victim status when the fascist left demonstrated that it is all about telling people what the likes of Mr. Griffin are about rather than letting them shoot themselves from the mouth.

WORLD NEWS  America dodges a bullet The good people of Chicago are breathing a sigh of relief after the International Olympic Committee lumbered Rio de Janeiro with the 2016 Games. President O'Bama's political enemies are trying to make out that not getting the Games for Chicago, his home town, amounts to a failure on the president's part.    But BFN has been informed that it was mainly due to Al O'Bama's backstage arm-twisting that the American taxpayer wasn't lumbered in the same way that the British taxpayer was done over by New Labour with an artificially deflated bid. One-all used to be a draw The Irish have voted once to reject the Lisbon treaty and, after suitable bribery, once again to say 'yes' to a European superstate. Which means that the Euroswindlers now feel free to impose President Smug Bugger on the new Harmonized State of Europe. And while people are getting indignant over that, the Euroswindlers are sneaking in their version of Soviet Russia's NKVD by the back door.    Internal Security Committees are not being established up all over Europe to co-ordinate persecution of all those who don't buy in to the Swindlers' version of the European message. When they manage to combine extradition treaties, which allow anyone living in Europe to be shunted to another country to face trial for an imaginary crime, with Eurogulags (when they European Commission decides where to put them), the Euroswindlers will feel even more comfortable about ripping off Europe's taxpayers and making elections, referendums and consent mere historical curiosities. Getting there, but not fast enough! At the beginning of the month, businesses in Glasgow began to receive letters from the Royal Mail warning them that their mail will not be collected on Monday, 21st September due to the endemic postal strikes. Conspiracy Theory Suspicion is growing that the 'Blair Presidency' is just a scare tactic by the leadership of the European Union. The real plan is to put a member of the Monster Raving Looney chapter of the Europists into the top job while everyone is breathing a sigh of relief that Smug Bugger wasn't handed the job (as opposed to being elected). This is seen as an essential first step to creating a dull, compliant, homogenized Europe with no national identities to provide sources of dissent. Pres. Berlusconi, who is currently the most hated man in Italy and who is being pursued on about a million corruption charges, thinks T. Blair would be perfect as the first president of the European Council. It takes one to know one! Making sense of a crazy world "I guess we can stand O'Bama's Nobel for bringing us Peace on Earth next to the one Al Gore got for saving us from Climate Change." The Nobel Prize Committee is so embarrassed about the award to Pres. O'Bama that the chairman has resorted to bluster as a sign that what has been screwed up cannot be unscrewed without massive loss of face. T. Blair is currently lobbying the Nobel Committee – he thinks he should be awarded next year's prize for bringing Peace to the Middle East. Heil satire German artist Ottmar Horl has done a Tony Gormley and created a collection of 1,250 garden gnomes giving the Nazi salute. Although Germany has such draconian anti-Nazi laws that even admitting you've heard of Adolf Hitler is worth life imprisonment, Herr Horl got away with it by saying his collection is a work of art and a satire on Hitler and the people who supported him. California strikes back at libel tourists The Governator of the Sunshine State, Mr. A. Schwarzenegger, has fired a broadside at the British courts. His state will now refuse to enforce judgements granted to rich Americans at the High Court in London. The rest of America is expected to follow suit and protect US citizens from attempts to extract damages for imaginary slights and gagging orders aimed at preventing decent people (and indecent ones, too) from speaking out about the nefarious activities of the rich and powerful. No substitutes, by order Tony Blair seems to be uniting Europe . . . in opposition to making him the first president of the European Council. If the EU is determined to have a war criminal as its figurehead, BlackFlag News would like to nominate Slobberedon Milosevic, a REAL war criminal as a substitute for Smug Bugger Blair, who was just a posturing sidekick to President Dubya Bush.  • G. Monoblot, the Grauniad's resident climate looney, thinks it would be a good idea if Blair became the EC president . . . because someone who could fight past his 10 British taxpayer paid for bodyguards could make a citizen's arrest on Blair as a war criminal if he visited one of the countries which have written "crimes of aggression" into domestic law.    BlackFlag News would like to suggest another reason . . . so that the Smug Bugger president can be assassinated in France or some other anti-British, scrounger country, which we'd like to embarrass.

	Culture Vulture Sec. B. Bradshaw, who thinks it's okay for BBC interviewers to fawn over New Labour stooges but not to do it to Tories, and he isn't bitter about being dumped from the Beeb's reporting team as not good enough 20 years ago. Harridan Harperson just driving off after crashing into a parked car and not being busted for it. The Tamil 'hunger striker' P. Subramaniyan, who was seen by police surveillance teams, some rotten leaker reckons, having burgers sneaked to his tent outside Parliament, and who put £7.1 million into the pockets of the coppers doing crowd control on overtime from April to June during his 'hunger strike'. Thanet council, which obliges residents to sort recyclables from general garbage but puts the blue & black bags in the same refuse collection vehicle and sends the lot to a landfill site. Paul Mason, Britain's fattest man, and his army of NHS and social services feeders. The Commons Standards & Privileges Committee, which failed to order ex-home sec. J. Smiff to repay the £100,000 which she stole from the taxpayer by pretending that her sister's spare room was her main home. Gordon Brown's 'Scorched Earth' sale. Ann Widdecombe's defence (she should know better) of the Westminster swindlers, who deliberately designed a bent expenses system to bump up their salaries on the sly, and exploited it shamefully with the connivance of the civil servants charged with administering the system. Veggie Benn's £1,000 fines for putting potato peelings in the wrong rubbish bin. Immigration judge J. Devittie, who ruled that a Bolivian bloke can't be deported on human rights grounds because he's the half-owner of a British cat. Also Judge J. Gleeson, who rejected the Home Office's appeal against this crazy decision. The government's global warming horror stories on TV designed to terrify kids and make them think they're going to drown if their parents don't donate all their money to the Global Warming Swindlers. The BBC's rewrites of nursery rhymes like Humpty Dumpty with 'happy' endings. Keir Starmer, the Labour Director of Public Prosecutions, who made a fortune out of New Labour's bogus 'uman rights laws and who doesn't get the concept of politically neutral. Lance-corporal J. Glenton, who seems to think you can join the army and pick and choose where you're sent. G. Brown's "We have less than 50 days to save the planet" message meaning: "Give all our money to Global Warming Swindlers". The BBC, which censored from its website, an entire edition of This Week because one of the contestants compared D. Abbott (black, female, MP) to a chocolate Hobnob and M. Portillo (white, male, failed MP) to a custard cream biscuit. Lord Stern, who contributed to the Great Global Warming Swindle this month with made-up statistics about the (bogus) effect of eating meat on the Earth's climate. "Call me" Dave Cameron's all-female short lists for parliamentary candidates. [Now U-turned. Ed.] Pret a Manger's 'fresh' chicken sandwiches containing chicken which is frozen in Brazil, shipped 6,000 miles to Britain, defrosted and sold as 'fresh'. Just like their 'spanking fresh' sushi made from frozen fish from Chile. The bin is still ready & Mandelson

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