2009/August    final	Every edition of BFN is compiled in accordance with official 10 Downing Street guidelines on accuracy and veracity.

SPORT NEWS Things To Come? There's a rumour going round that the National Football League had received a membership application from a team based in England. The proposed team will be the all-wimmin Harperson Harridans and they'll be based at Personchester. Flash & no substance Did anyone really believe that M. Schumacher would return to Formula 1 to restore Ferrari's fortunes while Mr. Massa is out of action? Filth, pure filth! The bid from Paris for the 2012 Olympics failed because of the amount of dog poop in the French capital's streets. In the good old days, like the 1980s, the city administration used to wash the streets at the start of the day and employ an army of blokes on motorbikes fitted with vacuum-powered poop scoopers. But all that was abolished and in 2001, Paris was voted the dog poop capital of the world. In only London had done the same! Who's have thought it? In the good old days, rugby was a hooligan's game played by gentlemen. Today, not only do they chuck the ball straight to the 2nd row in scrums, making the hookers irrelevant, they also dish out blood capsules to let drama queens fake injuries so their team can make an illegal substitution. Who's have thought it? Part II So the England cricket team managed to get its act together in the final Test to take the Ashes? No doubt Mr. G. Brown is now hoping to win some much needed popularity with a K for the Blessed Freddie in the New Years Honours list, his last chance to plant some favours before he's booted into the long grass.

CLIMATE NEWS    Too good for the environment? The government is looking for a way to reverse its scheme providing free concessionary bus travel for the over 60s because people are using buses instead of their cars. Which is rather strange after the millions of taxpayers' cash which the government has blown on trying to persuade motorists to use public transport on bogus environmental grounds. Warning to Warming Scammers Boffins at the Grant Institute, Edinburgh University and the US National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration have realized that the current focus on messing about with global temperatures is a recipe for disaster. There is a real danger that global warming swindlers going for an 'easy way out' will blow vast amounts of other people's money on measures which will end up reducing rainfall, causing extensive droughts and making life on Earth a whole lot worse. Rewards For Failure Part 98 The Met Office forecast a barbeque summer for 2009. Wrong! They predicted an 'average' summer for 2008, which had one of the wettest summers on record. They did no better in 2007. But hey, there's a Labour government, which rewards failure, and the Met Office staff are getting bonuses because their targets, set by that Labour government, don't include getting their forecasts right. Time to get worried, folks The Group of 8 gang of world leaders has decided, for no particular reason, that the average temperature of the Earth shouldn't rise more than 2 deg.F above the present level. The original plan for achieving this involved cutting carbon emissions. This is expensive, a total waste of time and money, but it has the advantage of doing nothing damaging to the planet.    But the 'doing something about carbon emissions' has mainly been just talking about it, and some of the influential Global Warming Swindlers are getting restless. They want to start tinkering about with the climate. They want to pretend they're operating a volcano and shove micro particles into the atmosphere to reflect sunlight.    The only problem with that is that the GWS's don't know what the Earth's climate will do next – as proved by the fact that their much vaunted computer models don't work, and there's a 90% chance that if they actually do something, they'll screw it up.    Which means that anyone under 30 should think twice before taking out a pension plan, because if the Global Warming Swindlers get their way, there probably won't be a future worth having! Plastic bags are potential litter, not planet killers Banning plastic bags is a classic example of gesture politics. It won't save the planet and offering paper bags and other alternatives will increase the level of carbon dioxide in the atmosphere. But the good news about that is that the extra carbon dioxide will have bugger all in the way of climate consequences. The fix went in, for sure! Everyone is wondering how much the Chinese government paid T. 'Smug Bugger' Blair to say they appear to be committed to cutting their emissions of greenhouse gases. The Consumer Has Spoken! or, "Who bought all the light bulbs?" While their politicians posture with the Global Warming Swindlers, the German people have shown their true instincts via their wallets. They bought up vast numbers of incandescent light bulbs ahead of the EU's pointless ban because they prefer their light to that from fluorescent bulbs.

ROMILEY NEWS A Farewell to Somerfield Lord Sleaze has decreed that the Somerfield supermarket in Romiley has to be handed over to Sainsbury's. So lots of disruption for Romiley's shoppers, lots of lost income for Somerfield and what's achieved? Absolutely bloody nothing. But that's New Labour for you; a total waste of time and money, especially other people's money.  DEPARTURES    Romiley's Somerfield Supermarket Saturday, 08th August – Everything Gone! Crazy, or what! The story going round the village is that Sainsbury's won't be opening their corner shop Convenience Store until October. As leaving the supermarket site closed for 2 months makes about as much commercial sense as evicting Somerfield, it has the ring of truth. Attempts to get information from Sainsbury's have been unproductive at the time of writing. The customer manager of Sainsbury's reckons the provisional launch date for the new store is Friday 18th September. Romiley's Oldest Resident has advised BlackFlag News that when Somerfield took over from Gateway in October 1995, they had the supermarket rebranded, restocked and reopened in a week. So what are Sainsbury's doing that keeps the place closed for 6 weeks? All they're achieving is to encourage people to look elsewhere for essential supplies. In future, ROR will be buying her mince from the butcher's across the road from the supermarket! Political posturing The Trivial-Democrats are always going on about saving post offices when Romiley's isn't at risk. But not a bloody peep out of them about saving Romiley's central and essential supermarket. Business opportunity going begging! Romiley Airport Authority is to rename the local airport London-Romiley. The operators hope to attract the custom of people who will appreciate a chance to sleep off an excess of in-flight hospitality during a 4-hour coach ride to the capital.

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CRIME NEWS  New Labour, distinctly wobbly on crime Loan shark Robert Reynold extracted £88,000 in interest from a woman who borrowed £500, he claimed he'd spent all the cash at Newcastle Crown Court and Judge John Evans didn't send him to gaol. In Manchester, Judge Adrian Smith gave loan shark John Kiely a 5-year sentence for extracting £3 million in interest from his customers over a 3-year period at rates up to 2,437%. You'd kind of expect it, but . . . . . . a competition to encourage convicts to write poetry and compete for a £25 prize has hit the buffers. The problem is that the sneaky convicts are stealing poetry and song lyrics, and submitting them under their own names, forcing the organizers of the competition to spend a small fortune on originality checks. 'Justice' in a New Labour compensation culture A pathological liar confessed to a murder and got free board and lodging in Her Majesty's prisons, courtesy of the taxpayer, for 27 years. Now, because DNA evidence had proved that he's guilty of perjury, he'd in line for £1 million compensation from the taxpayer. You'd kind of expect it, but . . . (Part II) The rate of fraud in the Afghan elections is so high that the UN now believes that Pres. Khazi sent his minions on training courses at both the Pres. Dinner Jacket School of Electoral Probity in Iran and the one run by the Labor party here. Shifting Goalposts Operation Pather's Claw was supposed to free 80,000 Afghans from the murderous grip of the Taliban so they could vote in their country's elections. 10 British soldiers were killed and just 150 people voted. So New Labor is trying to erase the election connection to bury another of its failures.

DEPARTURES    Corazon Aquino The sometime 'accidental' president of the Philippines had died at 76. Corazon Aquino was very much the wife at home for her husband, Benigno, the opposition leader, who was eventually forced into exile by President Marcos. Marcos had Benigno Aquino murdered in 1983 and 3 years later, Corazon Aquino was swept into power on a tide of anti-Marcos indignation. She offered the sincerity of her belief in Roman Catholicism but nothing much in the way of policies.    She restored some civil liberties, which had been lost under Marcos, but the same old bunch were still in charge of the country. Her fragile coalition government survived six coup attempts by Marcos supporters and Marcos turncoats, and the armed forces were never happy about the end of martial law and their licence to do what they liked. When her term as president ended, she gave up politics and turned to doing good works such as organizing aid projects and funding for disaster victims.  DEPARTURES    Les Paul The guitarist, inventor and creator of one of the first solid-body guitars for the Gibson company has died at 94. He began his musical career as a hillbilly and jazz guitarist, he became interested in recording in the 1930s and pioneered multi-tracking (overdubbing) when reel-to-reel tape recorders became available.    He created a distinctive Les Paul guitar sound and he is credited with creating the 8-track tape recorder. He continued his playing career until well into the 1980s, and he continued to make occasional stage appearances in subsequent years. He won Grammy awards for albums in 1977 and 2006, and he was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in 2008.  DEPARTURES    Edward M. Kennedy The "Chappaquiddick Kid" and a good buddy of the IRA has died at 77. His brother Joe failed to become US president because he was killed during World War II, his brother John was murdered while US president and his brother Bobby was murdered before he could run for the White House.    Teddy Kennedy had a long career in the US Senate but he was never eligible for the top job (and a serious target for lone gunmen) because of the night in 1969, when he drove his car off a bridge near his home and left his passenger, Mary Jo Kopechne, to die in the submerged car.  DEPARTURES    Cyril Henty-Dodd (b.k.a. Simon Dee) The man who became Britain's first chat show megastar has died at 74. Born into a family of wealthy Lancashire mill owners, he emerged from the education system with a single O-Level and bounced around the job market, acquiring a wife and a family along the way. Then he joined the radio pirates aboard the MV Caroline as a disk jockey.    He became an instant hit. 3 years later, he was recruited by the BBC and his chat show, Dee Time, became an instant hit, attracting audiences of 18 million. Simon Deeee-Funct! was lampooned as much as Seamus Android on Round The Horne. In 1970, the bubble burst and the long wait began for the phone call that would make it all happen again.

DOSH NEWS    Potential danger in the pocket If you haven't heard about the exploding iPods, which can leap 10 feet into the air when they go off and cause burns to anyone wearing them, it's because Apple has been intimidating their owners into keeping quiet if they want their money back. It's only our money Gordon Brown sold off half of our gold reserves at a Brown Bottom in the market, which he created by announcing the sale months ahead of time. He's now planning to do the same with the failed and nationalized Northern Rock Bank.  • The Bonk of England is printing another £50 BILLION for 'quantitative easing', also known as putting money into the pockets of New Labor's pals. Bonuses Are Back The heavily nationalized Lloyds Banking Group lost £4 billion in the first half of this year. So it plans to celebrate by handing out millions of pounds of taxpayers' cash as bonuses to the morons who caused the loses. This is what passes for prudent banking with Gordon Brown as PM. Is Gordon Brown running ITV? Having paid £175 million for the Friends Reunited website, ITV has sold it for just £25 million to the publishers of the Sunday Post (Scotland's favourite newspaper), who can expect to recover their investment in about 4 years if Friends Reunited maintains its current profit levels. Outgoing ITV chief executive M. Grade presided over a loss of £105 million in the first half of this year. No bloody wonder, if that's his idea of a good deal! Don't believe a word of it! Mobile phone operator O2 is threatening to price poor people off the phone if the industry regulator cuts the cost of mobile phone operators' pernicious connection & termination charges. If O2 is so worried, it looks like the price cut is a good idea! Not guilty, gov! So what if the Libyan government paid the U.S. relatives of the Lockerbie bomb victims £803million in compensation and the U.S. and UK governments paid almost exactly the same amount to the Libyans to obtain oil exploration permits? Coincidences happen, especially if governments work on them.

HEALTH NEWS Disease of the Month Visceral Vibratory Vestibular Disturbance syndrome SYMPTOMS : Migraine, panic attacks, tightness in the chest, tachycardia, tinnitus, sleep deprivation, nightmares in children CAUSE : Whining noises from wind turbines, especially pernicious irritation by subsonic vibrations below the threshold of human hearing and also supersonic frequencies CURE : Dynamite is effective at ground level. Engineering sand and large quantities of Superglue are also effective if access to the mechanism is available. Asian super-ants offer a possible biological solution to the problem. Beware of self-proclaimed healthy eaters They may have orthorexia nervosa – an unreasonable compulsion to lecture other people on what they can and can't eat subject to the prevailing foody fad. A plague of swines! The national swine flu hotline gets twice as many calls on Mondays as on Sundays, proving that lazy swines are incorporating it into their lead-swinging tactics.

HOME NEWS  £780 million down the drain? It cost the poor old British taxpayer £800 million to build but Trinity College, Cantab, which wants to buy it, values the former Millennium Dome at just £20 million. Sounds like the taxpayer got typical New Labour value for money out of the deal. Thanks very much, Tony Blair. Labor's latest Education Bright Idea All boys must be named Bob, Ted, Jim, Al or another name with 3 letters or fewer to make it easier for them to learn to write their name when they start school. Absent friends Gordon Brown put Lord Sleaze in charge of Britain for one of the weeks the Bumbling Leader took off for his hols. So what did Mandy do? He promptly buggered off to Corfu for a freebie @ a mate's villa, which shows how seriously he takes the job. How United Utilities works They spray a circle of blue washable paint on the manhole at the site of the job, and if the paint washes off before they get round to doing the job, then they don't bother doing it. Nickname explained Apparently, the boy Milipede, our teenage foreign secretary, has acquired the nickname 'Legless' because he's such a crawler. Stealth Peerage! The sacked Commons speaker, M. Martin, has had his concessionary peerage granted by stealth during the parliamentary summer recess to spare outgoing PM G. Brown's blushes. In future, Martin will be known as Baron the Weegie Scrounger.

SPACE NEWS  A hazard to navigation in space removed The world's most famous toolbag (backpack-size, cost the US taxpayer $100,000), which was lost during a space walk by astronaut Heidemarie Stefanyshyn-Piper last November, was dragged down deep enough into the Earth's atmosphere to cause it to burn up over Mexico at the beginning of this month.    So that's one down and around 19,000 other hazardous bits of space junk bigger than 4" across still to go! [Not to mention 300,000 bits bigger than 1/2" across.] No surprise there, then August 12th was the maximum for the Perseid meteor shower so what were the skies over Romiley like? Particularly in the north? Anyone who guessed 'wall to wall cloud' knows how the universe works.

TECHNOLOGY NEWS    "If a government spokesman announces something,     it has to be a lie" part 97 The Home Office says its ID cards are officially "unforgeable" because of the security measures deployed in the on-card chip. The Daily Mail's expert cloned one of them in 12 minutes. Another expert was able to crack the encryption on the data, change it and 'relock' the data so that a card reader would accept it as genuine.  • New Labour is planning to waste £5 BILLION on its ID card scheme. Promises, promises! Why is it that Amazon always tells you that they'll put your order in one parcel to minimize the number of deliveries but the items ALWAYS arrive separately? [When the Royal Mail isn't on strike. Ed.] On the day the supermarket closed, Romiley's Virgin Media broadband was out of action until the afternoon. At getting on for teatime, just for the hell of it, one of the VM customers did a line speed test and got around 9400 kbits/second, which isn't too bad for a 2-meg line. So the upgrade to 10 mbps, promised for July, has finally arrived.  • Just for the hell of it a bit more, the same customer did some line speed tests the next day and got results all over the place. Which tends to prove that while broadband suppliers claim you're getting 'up to a certain speed', what the customer actually gets depends on how long the Zone Alarm icon is showing serious traffic and how long its just sitting there, displaying a "Z" while there's nothing coming over the broadband connection. And also on how fast the server for what you're trying to download can dish out the packets of data. Consumer Flash Customers are advised to beware of Creda integrated fridge freezers. This month, one of them exploded violently in the kitchen of Mrs. K. Bulling in Normanton, W. Yorks., causing total devastation.

TRAVEL NEWS  Calling all aerial mugs! The management of Oxford airport is hoping to scam idiots in the 'business community'. The marketing manager is trying to sell it as a London satellite airport even though it's a good 50 miles from central London. His target appears to be private business flights carrying passengers who get too stoned on the in-flight hospitality to notice a post-flight drive of an hour an a half to get to their meeting. Pirate scam to cover up something much more sinister? The Russian-chartered freighter, which 'disappeared' when delivering a cargo of wood to Algeria, has turned up at the Cape Verde islands off Africa's west coast, where the Russian navy detained it. The Russian government is being very coy about the whole affair, telling us first that there were no pirates involved, then that 8 pirates were arrested. One possible reason for the official confusion is that Russian spooks were using the ship to smuggle nuclear materials and the wheels came off their scheme. A total waste of taxpayers' cash 3 judges at Edinburgh's high court accepted an application from the Libyan spook A. M'Grahi to drop his 2nd appeal against his conviction for the Lockerbie bombing. Which leaves us asking: "Why did it need 3 overpaid judges there? And what choice did they have in the matter?"    It's not as if they could say No to the application and then spend their time in an otherwise empty court room, twiddling their thumbs, because the plaintiff wasn't there to go continue the appeal. In fact, the whole thing could have been done at very little cost to the taxpayer via email. But 'value for money' and 'the law' are mutually irreconcilable concepts, apparently.  • Let us hope the deal New Labour did with Pres. Gadaffy included not dropping the cost of Mr. M'Grahi's flight home to a triumph into the pockets of the British taxpayer. British steam car sets new official world record The "fastest kettle in the world" has beaten a record of 127 mph set by a Stanley steamer in 1906. The British vehicle averaged 139.8 mph over 2 runs on the Daytona Beach road course and reached 151 mph during its 2nd run. The next step is an attempt to beat an unofficial record of 145 mph set by the Steamin' Demon in 1985.

WAR NEWS Doctor's Orders? The Russians have been giving the US Navy something to do by sailing a pair of nuclear submarines along the borderlands of international waters. Naval tracking stations on America's east coast got a bit of a thrill before the subs headed on towards Cuba. The nuclear subs were of the Acula class (designed by the famous Dr. Acula) but not armed with nuclear weapons. After their trip to Cuba, the subs headed north for Canadian waters to give that country's air force some practice in submarine-tracking. There will be no 'successful mission completion bonuses' paid to the captains of the 2 submarines. Their missions have been voted a failure because they were detected by both the United States & Canada. World-wide censorship The prime suspect for the massed Denial of Service attacks on networking websites in the first week of the month is the Russian government, which was eager to suppress the thoughts of a Georgian blogger on the anniversary of Russia's invasion of his country last year. What's the message, Vlad? You'd think a prime minister would be able to afford a shirt. But Vlad Putin of all the Russias never seems to be wearing one in his official holiday snaps. Is it a covert plea for Western aid? Or just an admission that he's become a full-time Village Person? Is it really better late than never? Only after 8 years of conflict with the Taliban in Afghanistan has the US government put major drug traffickers on its hit list. Externalize the Blame The reason why the Brown government is making a bog of the war with the Taliban is nothing to do with our fearless leader's inability to come up with a political plan for Afghanistan and nothing to do with the shambles at the Ministry of Defence. According to B. Ainsworth, the jobsworth Defence Sec., it's all going wrong because the British public has a defeatist attitude. Oops! New Labor's plant to smear General Dannatt via his expenses has gone phut. Compared to the average grabbing bastard at Westminster, the general's spending looks like that of a hermit on a desert island with no shops. Well, they'd know all about lying! The Iranian government says its nuclear programme is aimed at building peaceful power stations, not warlike nuclear weapons. The Israeli government says the Iranians must be lying because they told the same story when they were building their atom bombs.

WILDLIFE NEWS    Insect of the Month – The Asian Super-Ant The radiation from electrical wiring acts as the ultimate attractor for these highly social ants, which combine with other colonies to form mega-clumps instead of fighting them to the death. Flash mobs of Asian ants have already caused power failures, with a serious fire risk, by embracing the wiring in homes in the south of England, and it's only a matter of time before there are enough of them around to take out a medium-size power station.  • Wind farms are particularly vulnerable to super-ant attacks because their rural setting provides food and shelter for breeding colonies of the ants.

WORLD NEWS  Fraternal Greetings Newly sworn-in President DinnerJacket of Iran took time out to issue a personal message to Gordon Brown as a gesture of solidarity between illegitimate rulers. G. Brown became prime minister of Britain without the endorsement of a general election. Mr. DinnerJacket actually had an election but he rigged the result. Too many hits? The Chinese government has come up with an interesting cure for Internet addiction. It puts its web-compulsives in a "Salvation Training Camp" and beats them to death! This seems to be the only 'treatment' left after the Ministry of Health banned the use of electroshock therapy last month. Desperate for a TV hit? The L.A. coroner has done the local fuzz out of a murder charge in the case of the musician M. Jackson. So the best the cops can hope for is to persuade the D.A. that Mr. Jackson's doctor deliberately crossed the line between rending him unconscious and putting him to sleep. Then the D.A. will have to convince a jury that the doctor chose to do in a high-paying customer, which sounds like a very uphill task. In the meantime, the L.A. cops are making up stuff, the doctor complains, and hoping that if they repeat their inventions often enough, people might start to believe them.    Sounds like they went to the Gordon Brown Academy of Truth & Justice.    p.s. Has anyone interviewed that Jessica Fletcher of Cabbage Cove, Maine, in connection with this case? She seems to be responsible for a hell of a lot of murders all over the United States, according to the exposé programmes on TV.

	South Yorkshire Police, which thinks dressing its female officers up in Saudi Moslem costumes for a day is a good idea and not a total waste of the coppers' time and taxpayers' cash. [Who's the berk in the berka?] Dorset County Council has closed an emergency shelter for battered women and children because it has no facilities for men. Harridan Harperson's pathetic attempts to grab headlines by saying Labor Wimmin should be running everything and 5-year-olds should be taught at school that all men are evil wife-beaters before they learn the 3 Rs. The Ministry of Defence is forcing its press officers to lie to the meeja, and the relatives of dead soldiers, to cover up the shortages of transportation and equipment, which are getting British troops killed in Labor's foreign wars. Harridan Harperson's alibi, namely that she's a total failure because men have a collective bad attitude. The apology Alan Duncan, MP, was obliged to make by Dave the Leader for a whinge from the heart about the right of an MP to pick the taxpayer's pocket at will. He thinks the customers treat MPs like shit but what he and the rest of the Westminster Scroungers don't get is that MPs have behaved like a bunch of shits and they deserve to be treated accordingly.    Hunky Dunky is guilty only of saying what he thinks instead of spouting the party lie [which used to be the 'party line' before New Labor came along]. But having an opinion is now a capital crime under New Labor's control freakery rules, which Dave the Leader seems to have embraced. Devon & Cornwall police 'service' is getting people who have been banged up at police stations to fill in Customer Satisfaction Survey forms. Our teenage Foreign Sec., the Boy D. Miliband, who thinks terrorism is okay as long as white folks are the targets. Lord Sleaze is a 'pussycat' like Tony Blair was 'a straight kind of guy'. Defence Sec. B. Ainsworth, who reckons he can sort out Afghanistan in a year and then bring the troops home. The Citizens Advice service has been blacklisted for banning the world 'blacklisted'. Kirklees city council, W. Yorks., has banned the use of the term 'politically correct' because some jobsworth thinks there's a Ku Klux Klan connection! "Yorkshire born, Yorkshire bred. Strong in th' arm, weak in th' 'ead!"

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