2009/May    final	Every edition of TBB is compiled in accordance with official 10 Downing Street guidelines on accuracy and veracity.

ART NEWS     Hype versus historical accuracy The person who paid £10,000 for a water colour signed "A. Hitler 1910" last month, and the purchasers of a dozen similar watercolours at the auction, were stitched up royally. An alleged self portrait of the Führer shows a figure sitting on a bridge, which has been identified as Clapper Bridge on Dartmoor, which tends to suggest the picture is a fake. But an expert who still believes in it pointed out that Hitler is known to have spent time in Liverpool with his brother, and he could have taken a trip to Devon with his sketch pad. Duckhouse of the August Moon "The fox-proof duckhouse floating refuge is a work of art and an asset to any duck pond," the BB's art correspondent writes. "It is well worth the £1,645 spent on it by Tory MP Sir P. Viggers and proof positive that he obtained good value for money for the rest of the £32,000 which he claimed for the upkeep of his gardens.    "We can only hope that he will now graciously consent to open the grounds of his mansion and put the duckhouse on public view, seeing as how the British public paid for it."

BOGUS ARRIVALS    A not-so Shooting Star Bob Dylan is being hailed as a new phenomenon on the music scene, mainly because no one wants to be thought old enough to remember the last time he had a hit album. [New Morning, 1970] The current No. 1 hit, Together Through Life is No. 53 in Mr. Dylan's Personal Publishing Programme. House of Celebs & Non-Politicians? Come the next general election, Britain faces the prospect of the eclipse of the present political parties and rule by a rag-bag coalition of minor parties plus faded celebs, who stood against the most notorious expenses thieves, and single-issue local candidates. Will they do any better than the present shower of criminals, liars and war mongers? Well, they could hardly do worse!

BOOK of the MONTH  Wutherers of the Purple Sage by Zane Austen

CLIMATE NEWS    Another bit of Inconvenient Truth One of our correspondents has brought to our attention, an interesting link to the Brutally Honest.org website.     The gist of the brief article is that 3,000 Argos monitoring buoys the size of a large fence post were deployed in the world's oceans from 2003 on. They drift about over a mile down gathering data on temperature, water salinity and current speeds, and surface 30-40 times per year to unload their data on a handy satellite.    The Argoses are now falling out of favour with "climate scientists" because they have failed to provide any evidence of global warming, which is putting the continuity of research grants in peril.

CRIME NEWS  Actual service from the Police Service! The Wanstead & Snaresbrook police in east London are offering a "walk you home" service for people who make cash withdrawals from ATMs and post offices to make the neighbourhood safer and life more difficult for muggers. Too humiliating for words Yobs can refuse to wear brightly coloured 'Community Payback' jackets while serving a community sentence as shaming and humiliating them violates their 'uman rights. Sneak, Sneak, SPLAT!! Burglars in Britain run a 1 in 20 chance of ending up on the wrong end of a home-made booby trap such as a trip wire, a loose stair, a tiger pit in the garden or even a nail bomb. Sorry, we boobed! The prime monster would like to say a big "Sorry!" to the nation over the MPs' expenses scandal. But he would like everyone to know that it is not his fault that a system of rules devised for honest men of honour was perverted by scroungers, administered by stooges and exploited by criminals. 21st Century Policing in Action! The Gloucestershire Police service has hit on a great way to spot criminals during a recession; they're the ones driving around in flash cars, laden with bling. Just A Thought, but . . . The party whips in the Commons use their knowledge of expenses abuses to blackmail MPs into voting the party line. So could they be prosecuted as accessories in expenses fraud cases? "Do you suppose he knew something?" A 'high flier' junior banker has been sent down for helping to steal £455,000 from the account of failed LBG boss V. Blank. What is noteworthy about the case is that the criminal worked at Barclays and V. Blank chose keep his money there rather than in his own bank.  •  Thanks to Blank, Lloyds Banking Group is deeply in hock to the taxpayer. Barclays isn't. Moral Compass asleep at the wheel? If an MP knows that he or she doesn't have a mortgage, then they must know that an act of theft is involved if they submit an expenses claim for mortgage interest which they're not paying. Even if labour party cronies in the Commons Fees Office let the dishonourable MP get away with it.    In an honest society, the MP would end up in court for fraud and the Fees Office staff would be in the dock with the MP as an accessory before, during and after the fact.

COMPUTER MODEL NEWS    They still don't work Professor Neil Ferguson of the WHO was part of a team whose computer model got 8 million healthy farm animals killed, probably illegally, during the 2001 foot & mouth epidemic. His latest computer models predicts that 40% of the population of Britain will get Swine Flu.    No doubt the Prof. does global warming computer models on the side!

DEPARTURES    Sir Victor Blank (from his job) The man who did for Lloyds TSB what Fred 'The Shred' Goodwin did for the Royal Bank of Scotland has abandoned the chairmanship of Lloyds Banking Group. Lloyds TSB had a reputation for being boring but reliable and successful bank until Labour crony Blank decided to do the prime minister a favour after a chat at a cocktail party.    He inflicted HBoS, a bank laden with toxic debt on Lloyds TSB's shareholders and created a monster basket case, which required a monster bail-out from the taxpayer. He did for Lloyds TSB what the prime minister did for the British economy, but he did it virtually overnight rather than dragging the whole thing out for 12 years.    He is quitting one jump ahead of next month's AGM, at which Blank was guaranteed a kicking by LBG's shareholders, who have seen the value of their share plunge from a fiver to under a quid, and dividends dry up. The shareholders will see this as a first step in chopping out the chancers rather than a line drawn under the whole sorry business.  •  The prime monster has yet to apologize for his part in ruining what was a solvent bank.  DEPARTURES    Keith Waterhouse (from active journalism) Having achieved legendary status as a writer through 60 years as a journalist, novelist, playwright, etc., 'Keefy Waterho' is leaving a bi-weekly gap in the lives of all Daily Mail readers due to ill health. Although he left school with no qualifications at all (now quite common under new labour), he educated himself, wrote the smash hit book Billy Liar and the smash hit play Jeffrey Bernard is Unwell, and became an advisor on the teaching of English to the Thatcher government. He switched from the labour-supporting Daily Mirror to the Daily Mail after a row with the Mirror's crooked owner, Robert Maxwell, and thrived. He will be missed.  DEPARTURES    Weegie (as Speaker of the House of Commons) He established a reputation as a man with no grasp of the concept of impartiality, a man who felt entitled to send the Heavy Mob round to intimidate his critics and a man who saw the public purse as an extension of his own. He laboured mightily to suppress details of financial predations at the House of Commons (including his own) and wasted hundreds of thousands of taxpayers' cash on doomed court actions.    Having become virtually the first sacked Speaker of the House of Commons to retain his bonce on his shoulders, Weegie mick is finding himself universally unwanted. There is a movement afoot to block an automatic peerage, and a chance to hit the taxpayer for even more expenses claims, as part of his new labour 'rewards for failure' leaving package. And there is another movement to stop the government from awarding old Weegie mick via an under-the-counter deal, the £100,000 which he lost through not sticking it out until the next general election.  •  In order to retain a few labour MPs with some experience of being in the Commons, the prime monster has created a new category for sitting MPs, who would become ineligible for reselection under the new, 'no corruption' rules. Anyone who is declared to have behaved criminally but done noting illegal will be allowed to apply for re-election.    This includes dishonourable Members who claimed twice for the same plumbing bill and Members who made a whacking profit out of selling a dwelling after telling the Commons it was a second home but the Revenue it was their main home.

DOSH NEWS    The truth is leaking out on MPs' expenses While our Glorious Leader has been entirely scrupulous in his expenses claims, the same can't be said for other members of his party. The Home Sec., j. smith, is already notorious for claiming an 88p bath plug and her husband's TV porn films on her expenses. But 4 other ministers have warned their whips that they might have to resign for theft from the taxpayer if details of their expenses come out.    The whips are also believed to have at least 3 back-bench MPs on "suicide watch" because of their swindle. Apparently, it is common practice for MPs having an affair with an other MP to share a hotel room, which is claimed on the expenses of both parties. If details of MPs' expenses are published, the divorce courts can expect some extra business.    The party's whips are lining up counsellors for the shamed MPs after they are exposed. It is likely that they will also have to line up a prison visitor if it turns out to be true that a thieving bastard MP had a sauna built at his second home and charged it to the taxpayer. New Global Tax on the horizon The Internet is consuming so much power (in terms of the amount of electricity needed to keep the servers, storage media and transmission systems active) that it has a carbon footprint which can now be seen from the Moon. Which means that governments around the world are looking for a way to slap a bogus Green tax on web use.    As usual, the tax will be advertised as a means of saving the planet. As usual, the money will just end up wasted. It's all relative, innit? Minor swindlers at the House of Commons are changing their minds about replaying dishonest expenses claims on the grounds that Bigger Fish got away with amounts which make their swindles look like pocket money and not worth bothering about – as far as paying the cash back goes, anyway. The more the merrier! 100,000 citizens of the Italian town of L'Aquila have applied for subsistence relief and rebuilding grants after their April Earthquake. As the town has an official population of only 70,000, the local CID suspects that British MPs and their pals have been running a holiday homes scam in the area.

Calling Cards by Philip H. Turner RLC authors have created a successful "weirdness" niche. They create characters who have a single extraordinary talent, which can enhance or destroy their lives. In this case, Joe Hunter is on the run from people who want to exploit his strange talent. But his compulsion to perform random good deeds does not make for easy anonymity.    Read about the Book on the Romiley Literary Circle website Category : Late 20thC Speculative Fiction (published 1982)

FIRE NEWS     You couldn't make it up! A fire at the National Fire Service training college has destroyed 11 fire engines, which will cost the taxpayer £1.3 million to replace, and wrecked the building which housed them. The Fire Service is very good at telling the operators of large commercial buildings to install a sprinkler system but it appears to be crap at following its own advice and protecting the taxpayer's property.

FOODY NEWS Restaurant Complaint of the Month "This spaghetti is more Al Capone than al dente!" It's only taxpayers' cash DEFRA has blown £300,000 of taxpayers' cash on a study at Oxford University, which found that ducks like to stand out in the rain to bathe. Apparently, it's part of a programme to ensure that farm animals have a happy life before they end up on the dinner table. DEFRA's next BIG IDEA is to spend even more taxpayers' cash on finding out how often ducks like to take a shower.

HEALTH NEWS It's all under control Work has started on a vaccine against Swine Flu and it should be ready for manufacture in 4 months' time and ready for general distribution for the Xmas shopping period. Suggestions that either the Swine Flu Pandemic will be over by then, or that everyone will be dead, should be ignored as black propaganda.    Our Glorious Leader is confident that if his subjects wear the official anti-flu masks, which will be available for a small fee from all health centres and A&E departments, and wash their hands frequently, then there will be no pandemic in Britain.  • Accusations that the current Swine Flu panic is just another artificial distraction from the effects of the Brown Slump are groundless and they should be treated with the contempt they deserve.  • The government hopes to turn the blue mask into a fashion accessory. While the masks offer little protection against Swine Flu, or any other virus, they do remind people of the danger all around them and the need to take proper precautions.    "The mask is the perfect New Labor metaphor," an aide to our Glorious Leader told your TBB correspondent. "It's no good for the job it's intended to do but you look good in it." Over 200 MPs have put in claims for incapacity benefit this month on the grounds that they're morally crippled. Honesty in politics, at long last! Our fearless leader is noted for his honesty, which is why he had no trouble in explaining why he will NOT be calling a general election as a way of cleaning out the Augean Stables at Westminster. He knows that the Tories will win, and that will be bad for him and bad for the labour party.

HISTORICAL CONJECTURE    One left over from April 1st? A pair of German historians has spent a decade deciding that Vincent van Gogh didn't cut his own earlobe off, Paul Gaugin whipped the whole ear off with his sword during a brawl. Van Gogh said nothing about the self-mutilation and the only surviving record of the data is Gaugin's statement to the police, which the Germans reckon is full of porkies.    M. Gaugin, being dead, is unable to challenge this gross libel on his good name.

HOME NEWS  A message from the Prime Minister "It is right to restrict migration to our country in these times of economic peril caused by the recklessness of banking practices in other countries. And if we are unable to stop undesirables from entering our country under the strictures of EU law, then our only choice is to stop those people whose entry into Britain it is within our power to block.    "And if that means excluding desirable candidates for immigration, like Gurkha soldiers who risked their lives in Britain's defence, so be it." Stop panicking and get a grip Mr. Campbell McAllister of the Office of Communications for his Heavenly Brownness wishes to point out that we are NOT in a replay of 1978 politically, and there will NOT be a replay of the May 1979 general election in May of 2010. Politics today – a reader comments: "You look at an MP who's telling you how he's going to put the world to rights and all you can think is: 'This bastard is stealing from me'. It's not a new system of expenses for MPs we need, it's a new system which picks MPs who aren't crooks and tests them regularly, like an M.o.T., to make sure they haven't been corrupted." Elvis Lund a.k.a. bacteria@fastermail.com Selected Toughness with Scroungers or Boat-rocker Blasted! labour deputy leader h. blears is a troublemaker as well as a scrounger, so she was savaged by the Brown Bulldog over profiteering on property sales at the taxpayer's expense. Transport Sec. g. hoon and Work & Pensions Sec. j. purnell did the same but they got off because they're not rocking the boat. If he can get in, anyone can! Over 50 labour MPs want seats in the House of Lords after they are evicted from the Commons. The HoL Appointments Commission says it subjects candidates to a 'probity test' to exclude sleaze merchants and it can be trusted to keep out the rif-raf. We've got just 2 words for them – lord mandelson.

IDEA of the MONTH  The pay of MPs should be DOCKED for every day they DON'T attend Parliament.

SPACE NEWS  Good News from America All is not lost for our Glorious Leader. Scientists at the Harvard-Smithsonian Center for Astrophysics have calculated that there are hundreds, if not thousands, of rogue black holes wandering around our galaxy. Which means that there is a fair chance that one of them will swallow up our solar system and solve the problem of our economic Brown Hole in an instant. So we should just stop going on about it. Huge libel damages for falsely shamed meteorite? The court of scientific opinion is taking a new look at the after-effects of the meteorite which struck at Chicxulub, Mexico, around 65 million years ago. Professor Gerta Keller of Princeton University believes that she has found evidence that dinosaurs were around long after the meteorite impact, and that it was massive volcanic activity some 300,000 years later which wiped out the dinosaurs.    'Not a single local species went extinct as a result of the Chicxulub impact', Prof. Keller believes, and her study of the site indicates that large meteorite strikes have much less of an impact on the animals and plants in the area than everyone has been led to expect.    Climate change caused by the massive volcanic eruptions at the Deccan Traps in India is more probably to blame for wiping out the big dinosaurs, Prof. Keller would suggest.

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TRAVEL NEWS  Spit the bones out of this! The only pig in Afghanistan, a present to the zoo from the Chinese government after the locals ate all the animals, has been put in quarantine in case it gets swine flu. Which leaves us wondering how it's going to manage that in a country containing no other pigs and having no direct transport links to Mexico. [Other than by contact with some infected swine of a human being. Ed.] Unintended Consequences As well as a major co-ordination point for the world's terrorist groups, London has become the intelligence centre for Somali pirates. It's all thanks to new labour's enlightened policy on border controls – namely not having any.    Infiltraitors in the major shipping companies in London supply details of what's worth anything, how poorly it's protected and where the ship is. And the pirates do the rest.    Given that ships are very difficult to locate on the high seas (without access to spy satellites), it is also probably that other infiltraitors sneak GPS devices aboard suitable targets to help the pirates to be more efficient and more effective.

WAR NEWS The War is over – Official! (And we won) The British Army has officially handed over the last of its bases in Iraq to the Americans, so the war is over and our Glorious Leader can claim total victory. The fact that British troops will be staying on in Iraq to 'mentor' the locals, possibly for a couple of decades or more (at vast expense to the British taxpayer) is neither here nor there. The War is over – Official! (And we won) II The Sri Lankan government has claimed victory in its 26-year war with the Tamil Tigers terrorist group. Pres. Rajapaksa was elected 3 years ago on a promise to end the terrorists' rampage, which included the first widespread use of suicide bombers against civilian populations. He becomes one of the few politicians in the world actually to have fulfilled a manifesto pledge.  • The Tigers enjoyed an annual income of some £200 million from drug dealing.  • The British government is setting up a string of reception centres in anticipation of a flood of exiled terrorists eager to sponge off the British taxpayer. Democracy only for those who deserve it! The Leftie establishment and their allies are up in arms over the possibility of the leader of the BNP going to a garden party at Buck House. But if thieving MPs, communists and traitors have been there, why not the leader of a political party with as much legitimacy as new labour, the Tories and the Liberals? And, as a Downing Street informant pointed out, it is right that the Queen should have the opportunity to meet a man who might be forming the next government.

WORLD NEWS  What is the United Nations hiding from us? You hear a lot about the world-wide web, but how come you never hear anything about the world-wide spider, which lives in it? O'Bama is an alien II This newly released photograph shows the current US President making friends with locals on a visit to the White House when he was a member of the staff of Ambassador Mollari of the Centauri Republic (picture inset).    Less honest members of our Glorious Leader's entourage continue to deny that Mr. O'Bama is not from this planet, but our Glorious Leader's continuing silence on this subject, and the eccentric actions of the present incumbent of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, speak volumes. WHO – is that the World Hype Organization? When 100 people had died of the Asian Bird Flu, the WHO was predicting that 150 million people could die worldwide. In fact, just 100 more people died. The WHO is now claiming that 1.2 million people could die of Swine Flu in Britain (present death toll zero). Which suggests that the people in charge of the WHO are a bunch of alarm-mongers, who get a thrill out of going on TV and pretending to be presiding over the greatest threat to Mankind in recorded history. CONGRATS to John Higgins on becoming World Snooker Champion for the third time. But no congrats for reckoning that one of his wins is worth two or three of Steve Davis's wins. Coffin Nail Quota! The Chinese have lots of bright ideas for boosting their economy. The management of Hubei province, for instance, is threatening to fine government workers who fail to smoke their state-imposed quota of locally made ciggies to boost tax revenues. Last bastions crumbling The discredited Czech government has perpetrated a final act of treachery before being evicted from office; ratifying the Lisbon Treaty. But the EC still has to organize a repeat of the Irish referendum on the EU Constitution and make the Irish deliver the right answer. Then it has to persuade Presidents Klaus of the Czech Republic and Kaczynski of Poland to give their seals of approval before the betrayal of the people of Europe is complete. Business as usual in South Africa South Africa has a new president now that two lots of corruption charges have been made to go away on 'technical grounds'. He is promising to serve with 'probity & integrity'. Just like tony blair promised his new labour government would be 'purer than pure'. Keep your spying eyes to yourself! Greece has told Google that it's Burglar-Cam street view vehicles are not welcome. The Hellenistic Data Protection Authority has imposed a ban on their operation while considering the legality of the whole deal. A robust attitude to attention-seekers It's normal for the crowd to yell, "Jump!" at people threatening to commit suicide but not doing it. In China, however, a passer-by decided to give a 'selfish' ditherer a shove off a bridge to cut short the disruption he was causing.

	The prospect of a labour leadership challenge from harridan harperson. scotch gordon's communication skills. Havering council, east London, which accepts pictures to brighten up the local hospital as long as they don't include a church. Promoting Christianity is banned by the council but images for other religions are okay. Home Sec. j. smiff, who had to leave half a dozen names off her Least Wanted list of bad guys excluded from the UK. She said it was on national security grounds. "Gesture politics of the worst sort from a woman on the way out," an insider commented. PC T. Cobben of the Lancashire police, who wouldn't sit on a stationary bicycle for a publicity photograph because he hadn't taken the cycling proficiency test! guy whittaker, formerly of the Royal Bank of Scotland, who has received a golden 'get lost' payment of £1 million after aiding & abetting fred the shred goodwin in his mission to ruin the bank and rack up losses of £24.1 billion – the most in British corporate history. The Cabinet of Thieves, all of whom are stealing from the taxpayer with expenses claim which they know are totally bogus. "Do these bastards ever put a hand in their own pocket?" The Commons officers who let the thieves get away with it. The taxpayer-funded British Association for Adoption & Fostering, which objects to having to place kids with nice, normal, heterosexual couples. The French government for not inviting the Queen to D Day + 65 and the British government for endorsing the snub.

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