2009/April    final	Every edition of BFN is compiled in accordance with official 10 Downing Street guidelines on accuracy and veracity.

HEALTH NEWS Lazy Swine Flu Britain has entered a death struggle with a new skiving epidemic. The nation's shirkforce is quoting the Health Sec.'s advice to justify staying at home and building a bit of a sniffle into a full-blown case of Mexican Lazy Swine Flu.  • MPs won't be affected by this latest manifestation of Brown Slump as they are already planning to skive off for a 3-month summer holiday.  • The government plans to spend £5.2 million on inoculating 'all essential government staff' against the Mexican flu. This will include every member of an MP's family up and down to the 3rd generation.

INVASION NEWS  They really are here! "Three years ago they came, forever altering the future of humanity." Everyone thought Earth: Final Conflict was just a science fiction series, the last shot from the Gene Roddenberry bow. But the Taelons must be here. Why else would the Arts Council be paying out £1.3 million of taxpayers' cash for a statue of the British Companion's head some 66 feet tall on the site of the former Sutton Manor colliery at St. Helens?  • Those who failed to see the conflict between the alien Taelons and the Earth Resistance the first time around can catch Season 2 on Bravo at 6 p.m. on weekdays (or at 7 p.m. on Bravo+1).

DEPARTURES    Peter Rogers The producer of that Great British Institution the Carry On film has died at 95. The first of the line, Carry On Sergeant (1957) was originally a light romantic drama, which was converted into a low-budget comedy. It became a cult hit and spawned over 30 follow-ups in the same vein over the next couple of decades. The actors got peanuts and Mr. Rogers got rich. He produced over 100 films in all, but none with anything near the success of the Carry Ons.  DEPARTURES    Sir Clement Freud This writer, broadcaster, MP and celebrity cook has died at 84. 1968 was his big break through year – he made a celebrated series of TV dog food adverts with a bloodhound called Henry and he joined the panel of the Radio 4 show Just A Minute, which is about to go into its 41st season. He won the Isle of Ely as a Liberal MP in 1973, and survived in Parliament until 1987, when he received his K. He is famous for his calm (even miserable) exterior, which masked a life which involved many family and external feuds.  DEPARTURES    Steady Eddie Lord George, governor of the Bank of England from 1993 to 2003, has died at 70. He began his working life as a trainee at the Bank and stayed there through his working life, apart from a 3-year stint with the International Monetary Fund in the 1970s. He received a life peerage in 2004. He is remembered as the man who took the Bank into independence in 1997; when Gordon Brown decided he didn't want the blame for setting the bank rate, even though his disastrous policies dictated the level of the national interest rate.  DEPARTURES    J.G. Ballard The novelist who attempted to picture the psychology of the future has died at 78. Having survived a internment camp when the Japanese occupiers of Shanghai turned nasty, which he recalled in his novel Empire of the Sun (1984), he studied medicine but chose to be a novelist and short story writer instead of a psychiatrist. He was one of the architects of the New Wave in British speculative fiction, specializing in disasters of the sort described in his first novel The Drowned World (1962). Two of his novels, Crash (1973), an exercise in technoporn, and Empire of the Sun, were turned into successful films (directed by D. Cronenberg and S. Spielberg respectively).

Something In The Blood by L. Gordon Range & Henry T. Smith RLC authors have devoted quite a lot of time to the possible causes of vampirism as well as the actions of vampires. This novel provides a plausible explanation for the phenomenon while exploring the problems of people who have to deal with vampires as predators and prey; sometimes both simultaneously.    Read about the Book on the Romiley Literary Circle website Category : Late 20th Century Horror/Crime (published 1994)

CLIMATE NEWS    Ignore the facts and keep paying up! Global warming is being blamed for mild winters and an earlier onset of spring and the hay fever season, which is expected to start 3 weeks earlier than normal this year. One or two small problems, however. We haven't had a mild winter and global temperatures aren't rising. In fact, they've gone down to 1990s levels over the last decade. But as global warming now has the status of a religion, what do a few facts matter? miliband's bogus trillion quid The thing that does most damage to the Global Warming Swindlers is their apparently infinite capacity for creating bogus data to 'prove' their case. The most notorious example is the 'Hockey Stick' graph created by Dr. Michael Mann of the University of Massachusetts. His equation produces a dramatic apparent rise in temperatures even if data from a phone book is fed into it!    More recently, figures were published to 'prove' that the Antarctic is melting due to global warming. The only snag with that scam was that the 'researchers' had to invent data to 'prove' their case.    The latest climate change fairy tale comes from e. miliband of the Dept. of Climate Change. Last year, the government thought that cutting Britain's carbon dioxide emissions by 60% over the next 40 years would benefit the economy by £110 billion but cost us £205 billion. This year, however, the boy miliband reckons that switching the target to a cut of 80% of CO2 emissions (which would involve shutting down most of the British economy) will cost the country £404 billion by 2050 but will give us a benefit of £1,024 billion.    This trillion pound benefit is so blatantly bogus that miliband's lie becomes pathetic. But curiously, none of our MPs seems to be able to take this in. They are obviously too busy stealing from the taxpayer with bogus expenses claims to ask the boy miliband where he got his trillion pounds from (other than from a stooge's fevered imagination). Swindlers Thwarted – Update The famous expedition, which hoped to drift to the North Pole but which didn't do its homework [see last month's report, Ed.], planned to 'prove' that the Arctic ice is thinning. But there's been a slight snag.    The ice-measuring equipment has broken down because the conditions are too cold for it to operate. But not to worry, as the US Army has instruments which work in the area, and they show that the ice has thickened by nearly 2 feet since last year. Not A Lot Of People Know This If there's no wind blowing, then wind turbines have to consume electricity instead of generating it. Why? Because the blades have to be kept turning, using power from the National Grid, to prevent them, and their mechanism, from rusting and seizing up. GB low carbon wheels come off Britain's only factory for making wind turbine blades is to close. There are no orders from the British market, despite scotch gordon's posturing on a low-carbon economy and wind power, and the falling value of the pound against the dollar and a crumbling US market aren't helping, either.

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT the EARTH RESISTANCE MOVEMENT "Standing Up For Our Planet" BlackFlag News has been advised that the ERM will be holding nationwide rallies in the coming months. If you want to join the fight against the ruination of the British way of life and our planet by global warming scammers and corrupt politicians, STAND UP AND BE COUNTED! Defend your planet against the wreckers – join the ERM today! For further information, visit ERM's Romiley office @ 18 Riverside Drive

CRIME NEWS  Seriously, they're doing a grand job Complaints against the police are up 300% on the level of complaints made in 2004/05. Most of them are about coppers failing to make much of a job of investigating crimes. 30,000 people made a complaint in 2007/08, and research by the British Crime Survey found that the police pissed off at least 300,000 more people, who didn't complain. Executive Malpractice – payback on the cards? fred the shed and all the other banking lunatics, including victor blank of Lloyds TSB, are to be the targets of a class action brought by everyone who lost money because of their fiscal incompetence. This includes every taxpayer in Britain. Once the bankers have been sorted out, members of the government, both blairys and brownys (past & present), are next on the list. ACPO on the job again! The Association of Cheap Police Officers has banned coppers from saying 'blind as a bat' on diversity grounds. Apparently, ACPO wants to avoid giving offence to flying mammals. Exactly how many bats understand English has not been disclosed. Big Brother Won't Go Away From April 6th, the government will force internet providers to store every email sent and received in the UK and a record of every website visited and who visited it. The government is already doing the same for phone calls, having been instrumental in getting EU directives issued for these spying activities.  • The data will be available to the police, the security services, councils, quangos and any major organization prepared to pay discreetly for the privilege. Something else we have to thank new labour for . . . In the good old days, coppers used to give erring kids a clip round the ear and tell decent citizens the time. These days, they feel free to whack anyone in range with a baton and assault them without provocation. But when the Home Secretary is a criminal scrounger, what else can you expect? All very revealing The state of scotch gordon's handwriting in his non-apology letters to the victims of his attack dog, Mr. McPoison, confirms something very interesting – he has to write with a crayon because the nurses won't let him handle sharp objects like pens. "You can't say that!" A. Dismore, the chairman of the Commons Committee on 'Uman Rights, reckons that: "The job of the police is to facilitate peaceful protest, not prevent it." He is not expected to keep his job much longer in the present oppressive & repressive, new labour political climate.

DOSH NEWS  "Bog off, wise guy," say Frogs 'n' Krauts. The French & German delegates have a common message for the G20 conference (which started off costing £20 million but suddenly shot up to £50 million in the Daily Mail). They object to brown attempts to run their economies into the ground because the Sarco-Merkel Axis is quite capable to doing that without any help from scotch gordon. No, scotch gordon hasn't saved the world The G20 announced a $1 trillion spending spree using a standard new labour trick. All of the cash was reannouncements of already agreed spending plans. 'The pound in your pocket is safe' – remember that Harold Wilson scam? According to the latest guestimate, one in 20 pounds coins is counterfeit. But given scotch gordon's penchant for creating fake money, BFN is surprised that the number is so low. Russia is completely broke The officials in charge of the Lenin Mausoleum are claiming they have no money in the kitty to buy a new suit for Lenin's corpse, which has to count as one of the least convincing bits of rubbish to come out of Russia in the last century. Lenin's present suit has been ruined by the chemicals used to preserve the corpse and, apparently, it's beyond the wit of the mausoleum's jobsworths to nip round to the Red Square charity shop to pick something up for a couple of roubles. Thieving, Skiving Bastards! MPs are already paid £65K plus vast expenses plus monstrous pensions for turning up at the House of Commons. What they DON'T deserve is another £150/day as a Sign In, Skive Off bonus. At arm's length! Mass exposure to the UK has had great benefits for Poland. After taking home lots of cash during the boom, Poles have realized that the best way to tackle the bust is to do exactly the opposite of what scotch gordon plans to do. So it's no reckless spending spree with borrowed cash for the Polish government, and tight control over what the banks get up to. Scam warning The German fuel supplier e.on is bumping up the monthly direct debit rates which it allocates to customers using entirely dodgy accounting methods. The company uses a pair of scams to create a huge, but fictitious, deficit in the account, then adds over 50% to the customer's monthly direct debit rate.  • Scam #1 involves over-estimating the amount of fuel used in the past quarter by one-third.  • Scam #2 involves sending out the bill 1-2 weeks early so that only 2 monthly direct debit payments (instead of 3) are included in the calculation for the reduced 'quarter'.    BlackFlag News advises all e.on customers to check their bills for April and May, and complain right away if they have been targetted by this scam.

FOODY NEWS Pollocks to the lot of you! A supermarket chain's marketing dept. has come up with a brilliant idea for their fish dept. They're going to renaming pollack to 'colin'. From now on, they would like people who want to buy raw pollack to use the French name for cooked pollack. And to confuse the customers even more, 'colin' will be put in packs with a design inspired by the works of Jackson Pollock, the boozy American action painter.   • No doubt, American customers will call the fish ko-lin, assuming it's something to do with General Powell, the military man who didn't know how to pronounce his own first name. Adding insult to injury Not only is the British taxpayer funding the Indian government's space program via the £825,000,000 coughed up by scotch gordon last year, we're also paying for the development of a range of Indian space cuisine. Freeze-dried curries and south Indian "upma" from a squeeze tube look like being the first delicacies offered to the space community at our expense. Believe it or what! Tesco & Marks 'n' Sparks reckon that the taste of their wine has a touch of the werewolf about it, altering with the phases of the Moon. BFN would suggest that their tasters have been doing more swallowing than spitting out if they really believe this rubbish.

G20 NEWS  The compensation industry bites It's a rule of football that the original crime always goes unpunished and its only the retaliation which attracts a penalty. The same appears to be true for the G20 riots. BFN has had eyeball of evidence that organized gangs confronted the police on April Fool's Day and filmed the encounters, hoping to capture a spot of retaliation.    Good examples of out-of-context police brutality have been offered to various tabloids at fancy fees and, with the help of the notorious firm of internet compensation sharks ScumbagLawyersRus.co.uk, will provide the basis for compensation claims of the sort which the Metropolitan Police pays out to avoid the embarrassment of a court date.

HOME NEWS  Porn as a deterrent to teenage pregnancies A major diversion from the G20, and the screw-up made of the economy by scotch gordon & Co., is shock-horror stuff about the porn which teenagers are seeing on the Internet on a daily business. Apparently, they are so used to seeing perfect bodies in action that they find normal, everyday, non-porn-star bodies a turn-off.    Which could explain why the government is so keen to get broadband into every home. scotch gordon obviously thinks it's a cheaper alternative for the nation than the burden on the NHS caused by pregnant teenagers. He hopes that girls won't get pregnant if potential boyfriends find them imperfect; and vice versa. "And that's supposed to reassure us, Ken?" Kenneth Clarke, the only successful Chancellor of the Exchequer in the last 15 years, thinks the public have the wrong idea about MPs. Two-thirds of them aren't scroungers, Mr. Clarke reckons. Which means there are 220 thieving criminals in the House of Commons, most of them with jobs in the labour government. Holding the line! Some schools have hit on an ingenious and practical solution to the problem of absent teachers and teacher shortages. Instead of hiring expensive and often inexperienced temps, they're installing night-club doormen, moonlighting prison officers and ex-soldiers as bouncers in classrooms to keep the brats in order until a proper teacher is available. Shush!!! Libraries have started playing pop music with the object of driving the customers away so that the library can be shut down and the budget blown on new labour non-jobs for new labour's client underclass. Price no object? Lord Sleaze of Green Custard reckons that new labour's 'principles' will be abandoned only over his dead body – which sounds like price that the nation would pay willingly! Popular, ain't he! The Downing Street website petition demanding scotch gordon's eviction has collected 30,000 signatures in just 4 days.

SPACE NEWS  It's only taxpayer's cash Following its not terribly successful attempt to launch a satellite into orbit this month, North Korea is to receive aid from the British taxpayer in developing its space programme. This is part of a campaign to buy foreign friends for scotch gordon, who has none at home.    As reported in the January 2009 issue of BFN, India is already benefitting from a donation of £825 million towards its plans to put a man on the Moon. BFN can also reveal, courtesy of Mr. A. Stunell, Romiley's MP, that China (the workshop of the world) is also receiving cash from the British taxpayer and will continue to do so for the next 3 years. Iran is also in line for a space programme hand-out from the British taxpayer once the International Aid Select Committee at the Commons can find a suitable way to slide the cash into the appropriate back pocket. Revealed: O'Bama is an alien! The reason why the US president is so keen to get rid of the world's nuclear weapons is now clear. He's the spearhead of an alien invasion force and he wants to leave the Earth defenceless when the flying saucer fleet arrives and the army of occupation and enslavement marches forth.    With no nuclear weapons available, the threat of a scorched earth policy and a fight to the finish just goes away and the world's governments have no option but to surrender.    Suddenly, everything about the alleged Barack O'Bama makes perfect sense. British taxpayers' cash in action The Indian government is using the aid money donated on our behalf by scotch gordon to make a profit out of launching Israeli spy satellites. Nice to know someone is putting our money to good use.

TRAVEL NEWS  It's all about the money From this month, foreign drivers who use mobiles at the wheel, tailgate, etc. will be liable to on-the-spot cash fines. Why that grabber scotch gordon didn't think of this before is a mystery, but he's also strapped on sequestration of the vehicle of a foreign driver who can't pay up on the spot to ensure that the criminal makes an effort to pay his or her debt to society. Bump in the road? More like a mine shaft! Potholes in Britain's neglected roads cause damage to vehicles totalling over £400 million per year. It will take 11 years to repair the current backlog of 3.5 million potholes at an average cost of £41 per pothole in London and £69 elsewhere. Scotland and the North of England are the worst areas for pothole damage – and they also have the highest incidence of labour-run councils. Coincidence? Planes dropping out of the sky? The Civil Aviation Authority is trying to scare the public with a shock-horror story about "laser louts".The CAA is allegedly worried about people aiming laser pointers at aircraft as they're landing and blinding the crew.    But as all aircraft landings are done on instruments these days, and the crew is just sitting in the cockpit in case the computer goes down, the public has nothing much to worry about. We just thought you'd like to know . . . A German zoologist has found a way to make fish seasick. Apparently, putting them in a tank on the 'Vomit Comet', the aircraft used to simulate zero gravity for the benefit of astronauts, does the job. When in doubt, bugger off somewhere else Problems at home? No worries! scotch gordon has dashed off to Pakistan to tell its government that the country is a 'Crucible of Terror'. It's his way of making foreign friends and ignoring the Brown Bog-Up he's created at home. The government has a strategy for preventing the spread of swine flu The plan is to keep all Brits taking a holiday in Mexico where they are, and safely out of Britain, until the epidemic is over.

UNSPORT NEWS Hamilton done for "DWB" (Driving While British) Lewis Hamilton has been awarded nul points for the Australian Grand Prix by the stewards. He was classified 3rd after Trulli had a champagne-spraying moment on the podium before being demoted. Trulli now gets his ornamental satellite-dish prize back.    What happened was that Vettel and Kubica had a massive shunt while squabbling over 2nd place in the closing stages of the race. The safety car came out, Trulli couldn't stay on the track and Hamilton passed him while Trulli was messing about off the track.    Trulli then drove back on to the circuit and Hamilton, worried about passing someone behind the safety car, even if he was off the track, let Trulli go past him. Trulli was awarded a 25 second time penalty for passing Hamilton on the track while the safety car was out. A penalty which has now been applied in spades in the other direction.    Which must leave Jenson Button feeling relieved that Trulli wasn't driving a Ferrari, because if he had been, the stewards would definitely have awarded first place to him. A new scam for MPs Thanks to the Chancellor and lord sleaze of green custard, MPs are rushing to buy up old bangers for a few hundred quid, expecting to collect a couple of grand a time when they scrap them. Russian parachutes into active volcano!! Sounds dramatic and terrifying, but the 'active volcano' lies in the frozen wasteland of Russia's Kamchatka peninsula, and Comrade Rozov landed on sheet of ice in the crater. So not all that active a volcano.

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT www..co.uk New on the World Wide Web – This brilliant resource which exposes Nigerian-type 419 scams, bogus lotteries & job offers, phishing attempts and much, much more! CLICK HERE to find out what email miracles are on offer.

WAR NEWS Terror food – new strategy for Afghanistan The British Army has come up with a new tactic for getting at the Taliban. In future, British troops will be encouraged to leave chewing gum all over battlefields to gum up the bad guys, and they will also leave tempting chocolate bars, which explode in the heat, around for the Taliban to nick; to their peril. Brown Backfire scotch gordon's latest attempt to ingratiate himself with the yoof vote has gone horribly wrong. His stream of juvenile and obscene emails about top Tories crossed the line. Luckily, one of the Downing Street underlings, a certain Mr. McPoison, was unloved and available for sacking to save the grim one's face. Cue loud sighs of relief in labour circles and the sound of a line being drawn under the affair. The smear stories – mainly sex scandals as financial misconduct by MPs is pretty well compulsory under new labour rules – were to have been posted on a new blog called Brown Burblings. The material would have been provided by labour's usual jobsworths, all of them on a salary is paid by the taxpayer.    Also involved in the scheme is T. Watson, MP and brown gopher, who is currently credited with orchestrating the departure of smug bugger blair, but who is expected to vanish from history when the brown memoirs are published and scotch needs to spice them up with the claim that he, personally, removed the worst prime monster since harold wilson.

WORLD NEWS  You got it all wrong, mate! At their next meeting, the not very reverend anthony b. liar is planning to sound off at the Pope on the issue of being nice to homophiles. No, that will be a treat for the old guy! We thought the Scots had a bit of sense The Scottish government has taken leave of its senses. It's proposing to put stairlifts in the old lags' wing at Peterheid prison. Which suggests that it's much too cheap and obvious to put the elderly scumbags in ground floor cells. After all, it's only taxpayers' money that's being wasted. CONGRATS!!! to Sebastian Vettel on his 2nd Grand Prix win at China's boating lake in Shanghai and his part in giving Red Bull their first ever Grand Prix win. Congrats also to Mark Webber on getting his Red Bull car to finish a race and complete a 1-2 for his team. Birthday Greetings Had he survived World War Two, Adolf Hitler would have celebrated his 120th birthday this month. We just thought our readers would want to know this. Swine Flu bog-up The population of Mexico has gone up by 10,000. A rush of asylum seekers from Pres. O'Bama's United States? No, that's the number of British tourists stuck there because the government and travel firms have abandoned them and cancelled their flights home.

	Grabbing bastard MPs with a £1,500 pay rise. 2p per litre on petrol. hoon, darling, buckett and all the other second-home swindlers. Ex-assistant Scotland Yard commissioner Bob Quick, who wandered around in Downing Street showed off details of an up-coming operation against terrorists to Al Kaida's photographers The twott from Aberdeen, who wrote to theGrauniad to say Ian Tomlinson invited a violent assault by a copper in London because he had his hands in his pockets. And theGroaner for publishing his tripe. scotch gordon for paying a taxpayer-funded salary to a guy whose job it was to invent sleaze about the Tories. O'Bama, the unpatriotic alien. What was wrong with an American First Puppy? damian mcbride, the Brown 'special advisor', who was sacked for planning an email smear campaign against selected Tories. scotch gordon's handwriting. Right-on hypocrites, who pretend to have a fainting fit over a daft remark on a comedy TV show or an accurate observation in a green room. harridan harperson and her Bill giving preference in the workplace to anyone who isn't a competent white male.

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