2009/February    final	Every edition of BFN is compiled in accordance with official 10 Downing Street guidelines on accuracy and veracity.

DAFT NEWS  Waste of space pseudo science award This month's prize of a hearty handshake from the dictator of the winner's choice goes to Mark Pagel of Reading University. This biologist has applied the theory of natural selection to the English language to predict that some common words will disappear within 1,000 years. 'Pointless' would appear to be one that's safe from extinction.

Doppelgänger by Henry T. Smith The much-hyped film Valkyrie barely scratches the surface of the plan to kill Adolf Hitler, which was executed by the Wehrmacht in July 1944. Find out what really happened in this epic chapter of the secret history of World War II, as told by one of Romiley's premiere authors.    Read about the Book on the Romiley Literary Circle website Category : Military History, World War II, 1944

BROWN REFORM NEWS  PM promises "No hiding place" In a speech to labourites in Bristol, the prime monster admitted that his government has lost sight of basic moral values. He also recycled his promise of legal action to recover cash from the pension funds of failed ministers. He described the events of the last two years as "the biggest moral collapse in a country's political system that the world has ever seen".    He said: "Our task must be nothing less than to rebuild our political system where it has failed, and then to create a climate in which ministers no longer serve themselves but are legally obligated to serve the public of this country."    He added: "Somehow, the labour party has lost sight of ordinary people's values, such as fairness and hard work, and it now believes that we should sacrifice the value of being fair to that of laissez-faire. Nudging politicians towards better behaviour has not worked. We need fair rules, rules that reward those that play by them and punish those who don't."    scotch gordon also promised to reform global political practices, calling for the world's governments to come under 'international supervision'. He went on to pledge 'no hiding place' for politicians who seek to evade the law and politicians who involve their country in an illegal foreign war.    He explained: "Some of the practices now being discovered in our government's departments are not only unacceptable, they are indefensible and they have got to be cleaned up now. To this end, we are currently exploring all the legal action necessary to recover pension payments from people like tony blair, who deceived too much and received too much."    When asked to comment, G. Osborne, the Shadow Chancellor, said that no-one was convinced by gordon's 'patently synthetic outrage'. He added: "This all happened on scotch gordon's watch as a direct result of his polices. That makes him the problem source, not the solution provider."

MUSEUM NEWS  A Corpse Revived A pale shadow of Iraq's national museum has opened after a period in limbo of around six years. Why? Because the first instinct of the population of Baghdad and its suburbs, once the leaden hand of Saddam's authority had been lifted from them, was to grab a piece of their national heritage, while bemused American soldiers with no orders to stop them looked on, and head for the hills.    Some 75% of the original collection is still out to lunch but the management of the museum continues to hope that a significant proportion remains available for ransom if the American government can be persuaded to cough up some more cash.

SPACE NEWS  We're paying for their space race India is a beggar nation which received £825 million from the British taxpayer during a gladhanding tour by scotch gordon in January of 2008. Which could explain why India now feels rich enough to spend £1.7 billion on a space race with China and a plan to put astronauts in orbit around the Earth for a week by 2015.    Which leaves us asking why the British taxpayer should be paying for India's adventures in orbit just because scotch gordon feels the need to buy himself some foreign friends. Worse, he's likely to go globetrotting again in the near future after losing any remaining friends he has here by causing his Brown Slump.

ROMILEY NEWS  Just a bit of snow to start the month But it's nothing much to worry about. On Monday (left, above), we had some snow but the roads were soon clear, even if the pavements remained ungritted. Then the sun came out and most of the ice on the pavements melted. On Thursday, we had a little bit more snow, which melted, and by Friday (right, above), it was only in back gardens and well insulated spots that you could find any residual snow. And the sun was out again. Winter? Wot winter?

CRIME NEWS  Just plain useless The Home Office, prop. j. smith, has managed to deport only 35 of 7,075 illegal aliens who were caught working as security guards with full Home Office approval. Standing up to the parking bandits A motorist refused to pay 4 x £50 parking tickets then sued Newham council for emotional distress after bailiffs arrived for the cash or goods to the value of. Representatives of the east London council didn't turn up in court and Mr. Noon of Tower Hamlets was awarded £20,000 in damages.   • Update The council claimed it didn't receive the summons, took the case back to Bow Country Court and got the judge to order Mr. Noon to replay his damages. It will need more than an army of CSIs The Australian police are looking for the arsonists who started some of the bush fires, which have claimed over 200 lives in the south-western states. Good luck to them, given the size of the crime scene and fires hot enough to melt aluminium alloy wheels, so not much forensic left behind at the points of ignition. The Grauniad exposes! The newspaper which lives on public sector job adverts is getting hot under the collar about big companies doing perfectly legal tax avoidance (while not mentioning its own adventures into this territory). But why pay unnecessary taxes to scotch gordon? He'll only waste the money. That's what he does. What does Justice have to do with the British courts? A lorry driver crashed into a car and killed 6 people because he was looking at the GPS program on his laptop. He was charged with 6 counts of causing death by dangerous driving and convicted. The judge said it was one of the most serious offences of its kind. The maximum sentence Paulo da Silva could have received is 5 years per offence. He got 3 years for each, to run concurrently, and he'll be out of gaol in about one year.    Which leaves us asking Mr. Justice Irwin:     "How many people would he have had to kill to get the maximum sentence?" What constitutes culpability? If a politician, say the Home Sec., takes advantage of a corrupt, or corruptly administered, scheme for claiming second-home expenses, and she protests that she has done nothing wrong, does that give her a right to continue to swindle the British taxpayer by pretending that her sister's spare room is her main home? And is her excuse one which could be accepted by a real person (excluding labour party members and fellow travellers)? Discuss. Cartel Rulz, OK! The police chief of the Mexican border city Ciudad Juarez has quit after the drug cartel running the place told him it would have a police officer killed every 2 days until he resigns. Yes, gordon, size does matter fred the shred's pension   £693,000 gordon the mugger's public sector pension liability   £650,000,000,000

HEALTH NEWS Stop panicking! Eggs are suddenly good for you again. The British Heart Foundation has changed its mind – eggs don't cause heart attacks – and it's okay to eat two per day as part of a properly balanced diet. So egg lovers should make the most of the opportunity before the next egg-related scare story comes along. Political Excuse of the Decade "The minister wasn't drunk, he had just taken too much cough medicine." applied to Shoichi Nakgama, ex-finance minister of Japan. gee, thanks, gordon! The government has come up with a new Stealth Tax. In future, pies will cost the same but they will contain only half the present amount of pastry and no salt. Anyone requiring salt will be charged extra.

CLIMATE NEWS    Don't Panic! The Big Paralysis following this months' early dusting of snow is being blamed on 'elf & safety rules. It was unelfy & unsafe for workers to go out in icy conditions to grit roads and clear pavements, platforms at railway stations and runways. So no buses, trains or planes thanks to the 'elf & safety nazis. And definitely no schools in case some kid fell over and its grabbing parents dashed to their local bunch of ambulance-chasers to sue. You couldn't make it up The lunatics in charge of the NHS are proposing a ban on the use of meat and dairy produce in hospital meals. Why? To reduce the size of the NHS's carbon footprint. Under new labour, nutrition evidently has a much lower priority than making empty political gestures. "Don't Panic!" Advice Ignored What threw everyone about the snow was that the Met Office got their forecast of a little bit of snow spot on, but none of the jacks in office and their lackeys believed it. So we had TV doom-mongering weather persons talking up minor "snow events" into something normal for East Siberia and the country brought to a halt intentionally before the first flake of snow had fallen. With one notable exception – the flying pickets protesting at construction sites about British jobs going to foreigners (despite scotch gordon's empty promises). They were all able to get to their Positions of Protest. Ulster says "NO!" to the Green propaganda con-job Northern Ireland's Environment Minister, Sammy Wilson (DUP), has upset the global warming swindlers by refusing to let government propaganda about climate change be broadcast as factual material on Ulster's TV channels. A disaster waiting to happen Australia's catastrophic bush fires are being blamed on the local Greens as much as arsonists. The Green lobby prevented tree felling and scrub clearance to create fire breaks, and ensured that anyone who did it was fined tens or hundreds of thousand dollars, and prevented management of flammable debris. So the Greens are directly responsible for building up the bonfire which arsonists and the Almighty ignited. We KNEW there had to be an explanation! The reason why China is emitting so much carbon dioxide has been uncovered. Apparently, China is being forced by the demanding West to manufacture lots of consumer goods, which used to be made in the West before China undercut our labour costs and drove the manufacturers into bankruptcy.    So the West is getting the blame for all that carbon dioxide and it's nothing at all to do with China's greed for our cash. Well, that's nice to know.

DEPARTURES    Billy Powell The keyboard player of the 1970s rock band Lynyrd Skynyrd has died at 56. Billy Powell showed musical ability from an early age, he studied music at college and then he dived into the rock scene. He knew the bass player of Skynyrd from high school and helped the band out as a roadie. When they heard him playing the piano, they recruited him on the spot. The band got a recording contract shortly afterwards and achieve great success with their hymns to the joys of life in the Southern states of the US.    The Gods grotted on the band in 1977 with an air-crash which left those who survived badly injured. Billy Powell continued to work in the industry after the demise of Skynyrd, he gave up raising hell in favour of becoming a 'committed' Christian and he became part of a tribute band, which revived the Skynyrd name. The band had a European tour set up for later this year, but the Gods had other ideas.  DEPARTURES    Socks The resident black-and-white cat at the White House during the Bill Clinton presidency has been terminated because of cancer at 18 or 19. He was adopted by Chelsea Clinton when her dad was governor of Arkansas and he was elevated to the status of First Cat for 8 glorious years. He then spent 8 years in retirement at Hollywood, Md., with Mr. Clinton's secretary.  DEPARTURES    Philip José Farmer The American science fiction author who put loads of sex into sci-fi has died at 91. His short stories started appearing regularly in the science fiction magazines of the 1950s and 1960s, and he went on to write around 75 novels. His most remembered creation is the Riverworld series, in which any character he needed could be resurrected along an endless river. He also revived the characters of other writers, including Edgar Burroughs' Tarzan and Herman Melville's Ishmael.    It was always Mr. Farmer's ambition to be a full time writer but life had a habit of grotting on him when things got promising; like the publisher who stole an advance and cost Mr. Farmer, who had quit his job, his home and the freedom to do his own thing. After being made redundant by his employer in his fifties, he was able to get on with his writing for another 40 years and continue to collect awards from his peers.

It has to go to Home Sec. j. smith, who has been fulminating about bankers' bonuses while hypocritically stiffing the taxpayer for £140,000 since 2001 as 2nd home expenses on her family home in Redditch.    Apparently, if she claims that her main home is the spare room of her sister's house in London, which is guarded round the clock by a pair of coppers, the System awards her two grand a month – until the allowance goes up at the next review. No wonder Speaker Gorbals and others (including j. smith) have been spending vast amounts of taxpayers' cash on trying to keep these things secret.    Greedy, useless and if she wasn't an MP, she'd be in gaol for fraud. But we also have to nominate: Education Minister e. balls – living proof that you don't have to be one-eyed and Scottish to be an idiot – who is doing his best to talk the current depression into the Guinness Book of Records. Why? Because if the depression doesn't turn out to be as bad as the balls spin, that's a 'triumph' for brown government.

DOSH NEWS  Head for the hills! There's nothing like giving someone a shot at a high-profile job for flushing out tax dodgers – as Pres. O'Bama found when his nominees for the US government's Chief Performance Officer (for reducing wasteful spending) and Health & HR Sec. both had to exit covered in shame.   • Pres. O'Bama is getting so hard up for clean candidates that Congress had to let him have a minor tax dodger as his Treasury Sec. Terrible Towels Triumph Again! Congrats to the Pittsburgh Steelers on winning a record 6th Night Owl Bowl in Florida. And to both teams for providing a nail-biting conclusion in the middle of our night. If the Arizona Cardinals can only learn not to kill themselves with stupid penalties, and not to score too fast when they have their opponent on the ropes, they could be top dogs next time they make it to the Big One of the American Crunch calendar. Back-door sneakery The airline bmi seems to have come up with an interesting new industrial relations stratagem. The company has been accused of paying a salary increase to 400 pilots and then grabbing it back from their bank accounts when it thought no one was looking! So what DID they spend the budget on? It looks like council spivs have been dealing short on the grit & salt budget for years, hoping that the 20-year 'snow event' would always come next year. No doubt they'll go back to the same dodge next year after re-crossing their fingers, and the customers can rule out any hope of an audit to find out what they really spent the money for grit & salt on. Forget the North of England and Scotland, forget India. Bulgaria is the latest hot-spot for call centres full of people who are totally useless when they have to deviate from their basic script. Failure to get a grip? The BIG banks are set to pay out £4 billion in bonuses to the people who drove them to the point of collapse, and into the taxpayer's pocket, last year. But this is apparently okay under new labour's culture of rewarding failure and the rules of banking, which state that bonuses must be paid. Collection plate contents at risk The Church of England is bracing itself for a trip to the European Court of Human Rights over its decision to evict any CoE members who join the British National Party. Preventing CoE members from joining a completely legal British political party is a clear breach of human rights but the leaders of the Church seem to think that the legal costs of a challenge, and the subsequent compensation awards, will give them a worthwhile amount of publicity and public notice. 29 BILLION QUID That's how much taxpayer's money scotch gordon has lost on the shares he bought in failing banks to bail them out. Fair play for failures The Taxpayers' Alliance has begun a "clean up government" campaign in parallel with scotch gordon's "clean up the banks" posture. If the TA succeeds in wiping out government ministers who are useless, grabbing and corrupt, that's it for the labour party! The price of failure   • fred 'the shred' goodwin wrecked the Royal Bank of Scotland and collected a pension pot of £16.9 yielding £693,000 per year   • peter cummings wrecked HBOS and strolled into the sunset with a pension pot of over £10 million   • gordon 'the mugger' broon wrecked the British economy, along with private pensions and savings, and he will collect a pension of £87,000 per year

HOME NEWS  In case you blinked . . . Sunday, February 1st was National Yorkshire Pudding Day. Shooting from the mouth? The "Man who Saved the World" has admitted that he spoke too soon. He now thinks that throwing even more money around "will take the world out of its depression".    Giving everyone else a break from his miserable mug might be a good start to relieving the depression. Perhaps the nation should pray for lots more snow – at least enough to keep scotch gordon trapped in Downing Street – until the old misery guts cheers up a bit. scotch gordon is right out in front in the current race to identify Britain's Most Unpopular Man. Even his own party, screwed-up new labour, wants 'anyone but scotch' in charge for the coming spell on the Opposition benches in the House of Commons. Belated pay-back The BBC is in trouble again, this time for sacking Carol Thatcher because her mother, when prime minister, kept exposing examples of the Beeb's endemic left-wing bias. And when you compare what Carol Thatcher said with things that other BBC contractors and employees said without being fired, the charge stands up. Which is more than can be said for loud-mouthed comic Jo Brand, who apparently collapsed with a fit of the vapours when she heard the word 'golliwog'.    There are people who are offended and attention-seekers who put on a show of being offended. And we know who they are. Big problem, guys! With most of the country's schools closed, and huge gaps developing in this year's educational programme, it's going to be interesting to see how the government manages to fiddle this summer's exam results to make them even better, and even less credible, than last year's. Things this government has given us: 1. The worst depression for 100 years (according to Ed. Min. e. balls) 2. A 50% increase in the rat population to 45,000. History repeats itself on a 30-year cycle They couldn't bury the dead the last time a labour government was on its knees and 'sunny' jim callaghan was the prime monster. It's the same story now but the problem is that the ground is too frozen to dig graves and budget cuts have thinned the ranks of grave diggers desperately rather than that the grave diggers are on strike. 3rd Strike Looms? A third ministerial sacking for lord sleaze of mandelason could be on the cards. As well as doing favour for Oleg 'Mr. Aluminium' Deripaska, he now stands accused of doing favours for pals involved in giving Heathrow airport a 3rd runway.   • The government's approval of the 3rd runway project is officially "the dodgiest political decision in Britain since Iraq". You probably didn't want to know this . . . . . . but February 28th is International Sword Swallowers Awareness Day. [No apostrophe provided, Ed.]

INVENTION NEWS  One up for the Tudors Who invented the stairlift? Historian Dr. David Starkey wishes to nominate Henry VIII, who had a stairthrone to elevate his 30-stone person to the upper reaches of Whitehall Palace in London. The Rulz You can't say the prime monster is male, half blind, Scottish or labour, but you can say he's an idiot, deluded, financially incompetent and about as likely to save the world as the Black Death. Would you Adam & Eve it? Fume and bubble as he might, scotch gordon can't deprive useless bankers of their undeserved bonuses, which are paid out of the taxpayer's pocket, because to do so would breach their entitlements under labour's Human Right's Act.

STEALTH TAX NEWS  More good news for British motorists One of our correspondents forwarded an email saying: "Did you know that every time your car goes past a speed camera, even 1 mph over the set limit, it is registered and put on a database? You only get a ticket if you are way over the limit or, (this is the bit that I didn't know) if you receive over 10 near misses, you will be classed as a serial offender and get a ticket the next time you go just over the limit.    "This is why you hear of people being done for 34mph in a 30 mph limit area, whilst others doing 39 mph get away with it.    "You can check what has been registered against your vehicle under the terms of the Freedom of Information Act at the following web address: www.i-database.co.uk    "Just enter your car registration. If there is any data on your vehicle you can click on the camera window to see a copy of the photograph."    In fact, the link goes to a spoof website, which was set up without the benefit of a spell-checker [somewhat like BFN a lot of the time Ed.], but the spam certainly sounds like it could be true.

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT www..co.uk New on the World Wide Web – This brilliant resource which exposes Nigerian-type 419 scams, bogus lotteries & job offers, phishing attempts and much, much more! CLICK HERE to find out what email miracles are on offer.

TRAVEL NEWS  They call him "buff" hoon for a good reason Our temporary Transport Sec. has ordered motorists to stop whingeing about the snow and buy some snow chains. There are at least 2 things wrong with this strategy:   1. When a driver comes to the end of the snow and reaches naked tarmac, they have to stop to remove the chains to avoid damaging their tyres and the road surface;   2. The top speed for a driver using snow chains is 20 mph.    Hoon was a disaster at the Ministry of Defence so it comes as no surprise that he's doing a repeat performance at Transport. Beyond Belief Does anyone really decide whether a religion is real or rubbish based on what they read on posters stuck on buses? [A clue: it's the latter. Ed.] Scam that won't wash The European Court of Justice has grotted on those airlines which seek to swindle passengers via a get-out clause after cancelling flights or bumping the passenger off a deliberately over-booked flight. Compensation will have to be paid unless the airline has an excuse a whole hell of a lot better than its own convenience. What sort of people do they put in charge of nuclear subs? And what were the crews of HMS Vanguard and Le Triomphant doing when the boats collided 170 fathoms down in the Bay of Biscay? Having a tea break? Or was it coffee & croissants on the less than triumphant French sub? Which seems to have suffered damage to the tune of £50 million to its less than solidly built nose. No doubt some European traffic court will decide that the British sub was 100% to blame for the collision and the British taxpayer has to pay up.

WAR NEWS  Rumours of a cease-fire seem premature The IRA are still at it. They parked a 300 lb car bomb near the school in Castlewellan, Co. Down, at the end of last month. So much for all the claims of disarmament and rejecting terrorism. The Red Menace remains just as menacing The Russian government has been waging a cyber war by proxy against Kyrgyzstan to shut down this minor state's internet service. Why? Because the country hosts a US airbase, which is used for the war in Afghanistan, and the Russians want it closed down. So they don't want any Kyrgyzstanis who want it kept open to be able to express their views freely to the outside world.   • This tactic, and a cash bung to the Kyrgyzstan government with a "shut the airbase" clause, have worked and the airbase is to be closed. What a waste of time & our money An EU quango would like to rewrite the script of the First World War for schools to make it an uplifting episode in our common European history, in which the Huns aren't the bad guys and no one is to blame for starting it.   • British taxpayers are obliged to stump up £103 million every year for this sort of crap from the EU's collection of quangos. "Sorry, your spam emails are inaccessible for the moment." Email services based in a number of Western countries; tiscali & gmail to name but two; have become mysteriously unavailable for lengthy periods this month. There is a strong suspicion that government-sponsored hackers based in China are at it again, trying to do their bit to destroy the West and spread global communism by bringing the circulation of spam to a standstill. "So long, we can't afford you" Pres. O'Bama plans to take his tanks out of Iraq by the end of August next year. Apart from 50,000 of them, which will remain to protect all that lovely oil.

WORLD NEWS  In case you blinked . . . Monday, February 2nd was Groundhog Day in the USA. Punxsutawney Phil, the groundhog who knows what the future holds, was able to see his shadow at sunny Punxsutawney, PA, which means that his country is in for a further 6 weeks of winter. Punch-Up On The Way! The Indian government reckons it is on course to offer a basic laptop computer with wireless internet access for the magnificent price of 500 rupees, which is 7 quid in real money. Given that a basic screen for a basic laptop costs 20 quid, there's a huge hidden subsidy involved. Which could mean that India's Education Programme could end up in an ass-kicking contest with the Space Programme for a slice of the £825,000,000, which the British taxpayer is obliged to hand over to India every year thanks to scotch gordon's attempts to buy himself friends abroad. Credibility Gap Oh, dear! No one believes scotch gordon's claim that he saved the world. The Germans and the Dutch have had a go at him already. This month, it's the turn of the French prime minister, M. Sarko, who thinks scotch gordon is running up enough debts to ruin Britain because he's not investing the borrowings in assets, he's just blowing them. Short Shelf Life? President O'Bama was cosying up to the Reverend tony b. liar almost as soon as he took office. Is this a sign that he's about to show his true colours and become President O'Bummer, a guy who (like mr. liar) is all flash and no substance?

	scotch gordon's promise of British jobs for British workers, a line stolen from the BNP hymn book when scotch was nerving himself to call a general election (but chickened out). Fast tracking Iceland, another bankrupt beggar country, into the European Union. The perfumed lord sleaze of mandelason's "Get on your Eurobikes" message to British workers. The BBC for sacking Carol Thatcher for daring to say, in private and off-air, that a tennis player's haircut reminded her of a Robertson's golliwog, and everyone who agrees with the Beeb's snotty PC attitude, especially the boss of BBC 1, Joy Hunt, who came across as a mealy-mouthed hypocrite when she presented her excuses to the TV news. ITV, which showed automated adverts instead of Everton's winning goal in a Cup match with Liverpool. Anyone who thinks an Ethiopian drug addict living in Afghanistan, who was arrested in Pakistan for trying to travel here with a forged passport and shipped to Guantanamo Bay, has any right to live here and sponge off the British taxpayer. Sunderland City Council's flag nazis, who threatened a resident with a £2,500 fine for flying the English national flag having failed to read the section of the regulations which excludes national flags. Anyone working for a bank who is paid more than £37.5K excluding bonuses. The boy miliband, who poses as our Foreign Sec., has banned Dutch MP Geert Wilders from the UK on the grounds that he made a film which mili said is 'hate-filled and designed to stir up religious and racial hatred and is contrary to our laws'. Arch knee-jerker mili, by his own admission, hasn't actually seen the film . . . Binyan Mohamed and his retinue of ambulance chasers on the compensation trail. What was a drug addict doing, going to Afghanistan, the world's biggest heroin producer? What was he doing with a false passport when he was arrested in Pakistan? And what's he doing here as his permission to be in Britain has run out and he should have been shipped from Guantanamo Bay either back to Pakistan or back to his native Ethiopia. brown banker sir fred 'the shred' goodwin, who is on a pension of £700k for destroying the Royal Bank of Scotland. How about that as a new labour reward for failure! lord myners, who approved fred the shred's pension, even though he's now saying he was out to lunch at the time.

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