2008/October    final	Every edition of BFN is compiled in accordance with official 10 Downing Street guidelines on accuracy and veracity.
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WEATHER NEWS   Coming home to roost The rainy day, for which scotch gordon refused to save when he was Chancellor of the Exchequer, is upon us and the pound is now worth about 2p in the rest of the world. So much for an end to boom & bust.

ADVERTISEMENT The BROON VOODOO DOLL The Xmas gift of the century – a prime monster voodoo doll, complete with 2 dozen extra-length pins, which may be inserted into the slogans printed on the doll to remind scotch gordon of them.    The messages include such verbal highlights as: "I love Prudence", "I have put an end to boom & bust", "I believe peter mandelson has done nothing wrong" and the ever-popular "Tony, I'm going to scream and scream until you let me be PM". The premium version of the BVD comes with a miniature lamp post fitted with a handy hangman's noose, which can be used to park the doll between pinning sessions. Working Person's Edition only £5.00 / €7.40 + + + Premium Edition £17.00 / €25.20 + + + PLUS NO VAT (because we don't believe in it) HURRY while stocks last to: Editions M, D & R, 106 Riverside Drive, Romiley.

TRAVEL NEWS The cash culture takes a hit Swindon council is to scrap speed cameras, having realized that they are all about extracting cash from motorists and nothing much to do with keeping road-users alive. Lots of other councils have leapt aboard this bandwagon. Motoring organizations are jubilant, the manufacturers of speed-cams ain't. It was always about the money The Russian zillionaire O. Deripaska and the hedge-fundamentalist n. rothschild are both involved in a £5 billion marina project in Montenegro, which used to be part of Yugoslavia. This tiny nation's bid to join the World Trade Organization, on the road to EU membership, was backed by EU Trade Commissioner p. mandelson. And mandy did deri a big favour over aluminium tariffs. So it's no wonder rothschild was prodded into becoming a Rottweiler in mandy's defence when mandy's sleaze was exposed. Credit crunch consequences Sales of new cars have fallen to such a low level that one dealership is running a BOGOF offer on new Dodge Avenger SXTs – buy one for £20,000, get one free!

RECYCLING NEWS    Food for thought A correspondent has pointed out the following:  • If you had invested £1,000 in Northern Rock shares one year ago, they were worth £4.95 at the time of writing.  • The same investment in HBOS was worth £16.50.  • £1,000 invested in XL Leisure was worth less than £5.  • But if you had bought £1,000 worth of Lager one year ago and drunk all the lager, then taking the empty cans to an aluminium re-cycling plant would yield a return of £21.40.    So based on the above real-world observations, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and re-cycle.

SILLY SEASON Hidden agenda There's a campaign going on to justify posthumous pardons for people executed as witches hundreds of years ago. Is this a noble battle to right past wrongs? Actually, no, it isn't.    The mob behind the agitation is a firm which make Halloween costumes and the bosses are trying to polish the image of their product to improve sales. They reckon that if they can detach Halloween from the witchcraft connection, it will no longer be scary and off-putting to Christians. Surprise! adam applecart, the bloke who ran the Northern Rock bank into the ground, won't be prosecuted for reckless trading and criminal negligence. And it may even come to pass that the former boss of new labour's Banco Ambrosiano isn't found one day, hanging under a bridge with his pocket full of bricks. It's official! The prime monster is trying to turn himself into tony b. liar. scotch gordon made a public show of recruiting peter 'the sultan of sleaze' mandelson to his cause and now the news has leaked out that alastair 'dodgy dossier' campbell is doing scotch's PR. Believe it or what! Gangs of psychologists up and down the country would have us believe that people used to dream in black and white until the 1960s, when children were exposed to colour TV, which encouraged them to dream in colour. Revelation of the month . . . The Chancellor, b.k.a. 'im with the eyebrows, is a founder member of the Scottish branch of the Trotskyite Raving Loony party and he used to dream about nationalizing all the banks. How fortunate, then, that he was in his present job at the very time when the banks had to be taken under the taxpayer's wing due to the failure of scotch gordon, during his decade in the job, to regulate them sufficiently to exclude the spivs who caused the global commercial melt-down. When in doubt, split! The British Parliament is tackling the recession by going on holiday for a record 24 days over the Xmas/New Year period. What bloody recession? Things must be okay in Morayshire, Scotland, where the council is feeling flush enough to employ a Street Football Co-ordinator at a salary of £20K per year (plus public-sector pension, of course). Done the good deed, what about the reward? Has the BBC's labour party correspondent, n. robinson, done enough suppression of bad news (Iraq war dodginess, mandelson sleaze) to earn himself an OBE for services to journalism? Same thing only different? If Tory shadow minister George Osbourne showed politically terminal judgement by putting himself within 50 miles of the Russian yachtocrat O. Deripaska, why has it been okay for p. mandelson to enjoy Mr. Deripaska's 'hospitality' for years and years? "What did he say?" For the benefit of anyone who's wondering exactly what French president Nicolas Sarkozy said to the bloke who wouldn't shake his hand at the national agricultural convention in February: Bloke : "Ah non, touche moi pas." ["No way! Don't touch me!"] Sarkozy : "Case toi alors!" ["F**k off, then."] Bloke : "Tu me salis!" ["That's a bit thick!"] Sarkozy : "Case toi alors pauvre con!" ["Ah, f**k off, you piece of crap!"] Pres. Sarko's legal action against Editions K & B, the producers of the voodoo doll decorated with Sarko's messages to the French people, has hit the buffers. The judge decided not to ban the doll because it was "within the authorized limits of free expression and the right to humour". The people's choice scotch gordon says he thinks dame mandelson has done nothing wrong. Which means he's either a liar or an idiot. Do we really want either as our prime monster?

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TECHIE NEWS "Hello? Is that the doctor?" As well as causing headaches, brain tumours, nausea, deafness and poverty, mobile phones can also bring their users out in a rash. Anyone sensitive to nickel is liable to turn bright red after heavy use of a mobile phone. Scam warning! The latest panic in the scientific world is that the heliosphere is shrinking. The spaces between the stars are full of high-energy cosmic radiation, but particles and magnetic fields chucked out by the Sun keep the majority of them clear of the solar system.    But the Sun is going through one of its periodic quiet periods, when its outpourings are reduced; hence the shrinkage of the protective heliosphere. So you can just bet that some spiv at the United Nations is going to get up on his hind legs and say this is a man-made threat to the survival of the planet but disaster can be averted if every nation chucks lots of money in his direction.    And before the sceptics start scoffing, this is exactly what happened with global cooling then global warming, then the catch-all climate-chance scares.

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CLIMATE NEWS   Saving the planet, new labour style Anyone wanting to build a concrete or paved off-street parking place in their front garden, or add a new patio at the back, will need planning permission from this month. This is the government's new strategy for reducing the risk of further catastrophic floods by reducing further loss of rain-absorbing green space from towns and cities. The manufacturers porous paving materials are now up in arms, claiming that the government is damaging their efforts to save the planet by selling over-priced products to gullible punters. We feel your pain, missus! cherie blair will be using only organic water in the £30,000 wave exercise pool installed at her country mansion. The pool is intended to prevent mrs. blair, who is now the size of a house, from becoming the size of a mansion. She hopes to reduce herself to the size of a modest bungalow in due course. Nothing if not sneaky! Companies seeking to build wind farms in the hope of selling vastly overpriced electricity to the poor old British public are easing their way through the planning process by offering bribes to their future neighbours. Play areas, sports pitches and lunch clubs for pensioners are all on the list of popular 'goodwill payments'. The bribes can amount to £300,000 spread over 20 years, which might take away some of the pain of having windmills clanking away in a nearby field. Lots of laws for us, none for them! Don't expect to see more or cheaper fish in the shops as stocks in British waters recover. Gangs of up to 100 killer whales are now cruising the North & Irish Seas and making nonsense of EU quotas. The government is hoping to do a deal with the Japanese government, under which the inconvenient intruders will be slaughtered by Japan's whaling fleet as part of a bogus research project. The lights go out all over If you find yourself stumbling around in the dark this winter, it's because your local council has switched the street lights off to save the planet. Major A-roads are being darkened, as well as residential streets, in the areas ruled by 9 of the 49 councils in England & Wales. More councils are planning to join in if they think they can get away with it.  • Vandals, burglars and other criminals are enthusiastically in favour of the blackout. One miliband bad, two milibands four times worse In a better world, e. miliband would be clamped in the stocks and pelted with rotten fruit & veg until he admits that beggaring the British nation to cut its carbon dioxide emissions by 80% won't make ONE SCRAP of difference to the Earth's climate.    And in a perfect world, e. miliband would then be strung up from the nearest lamp post to convert him into a zero-CO2 emitter. Is there something they're not telling us The first snow in October since 1934? Whatever happened to Gorbal Warming?

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CRIME NEWS Stupidly soft on crime Allotment holders in Bristol are being told not to lock their sheds to spare the council the cost of repairing doors and windows wrecked when thieves break in. Which rather side-steps the concept of having somewhere to lock up tools and other agricultural necessities. Forced to do the right thing The High Court has ruled that Gurkhas who served in the British armed forces have a right to settle here. The judgements puts to shame, a labour government which has let undesirables flood into this country, and allowed them to stay on bogus 'uman rights grounds, while excluding men who were prepared to fight for Britain. Something which has always been alien to the new labour philosophy. Now, that makes a lot of sense. Not! The $700 billion bail-out for Wall Street, which crawled through Congress with some extraordinary pork scratchings tagged on, will be administered by the same sticky-fingered financial geniuses who cause the melt-down. Why? Because the US Treasury doesn't have the staff to decide which bad debts to buy up. Who's watching you now? Shop display dummies are being drafted in to the battle with thieves. A firm in Hertfordshire is running trials of dummies fitted with a camera and recording equipment. As they are a lot cheaper to use than humans, expect the National Union of Store Detectives to be up in arms if the trials give promising results. Those who have to be got may be got any convenient way It's pretty obvious that O.J. Simpson was convicted for the murder he's perceived to have got away with and that any sort of frame-up, including suspect testimony from guys who were offered a deal to avoid gaol time was okay with the American in the street. A lot of people will think that The Juice got justice this time, but was it legal? This question is likely to engage the US courts and gangs of lawyers for the next decade or two. Those who have to be got may be got any convenient way II The Japanese Grand Prix offered further proof that Formula 1 has as much to do with sport as TV wrestling. Massa (Ferrari) did a Schumacher Manoeuvre on Hamilton (not Ferrari) – he went off the track then drove into Hamilton, damaging Hamilton's car and sending him into a spin which put Hamilton at the back and ruined his race. Massa's penalty was just a drive through the pits, not even a stop-go.    Hamilton (not Ferrari) was the only driver to be given a penalty for the argy-bargy at the first corner. With 16 laps to go, Massa (Ferrari) drove into Bordais (not Ferrari), who had just emerged from the pits, and the stewards awarded a 25-second penalty against Bordais, which handed 2 points to Massa (Ferrari) for 7th instead of 1 for 8th, where he finished.    Fernando Alonso (not Ferrari) must be feeling bloody lucky that he was too far in front for the stewards to be able to hand his 2nd win on the trot to a Ferrari driver on a bogus penalty. Asleep at the wheel? scotch gordon is lending £100 million of British taxpayers' cash to Iceland so that the Icelandic government can give it to the British depositors, who were stiffed by Icelandic banks. Our self-proclaimed financial genius of a prime monster would like us to believe that he can get by on 4 hours' sleep per night. Maybe he should be force-fed sleeping pills and locked in his padded cell for 8 hours every night until he starts making rational decisions about what he does with taxpayers' cash.

DEPARTURES sir ian blair (no relation) from the job of Metropolitan Police Commissioner The hero of the 1975 Balcombe Street shoot-out with Irish terrorists and new labour's favourite copper, who let his namesake tony drive around in police vehicles wearing labour election posters, has been forced to resign with 16 months left to run of his 5-year contract. He was brought down by paying public money to a pal for an image make-over instead of putting the contract out to tender, but his reign was already bogged down in a morass of the consequences of poor judgement, lies, excessive political correctness and mindless 'diversity' policies.    He will be remembered as the commissioner who let every non-white and/or non-British born senior copper play the race card if they weren't promoted to their satisfaction (irrespective of ability) and claim big chunks of public money as compensation for imaginary crimes against them. sir ian himself will go home with £600K in his pocket to enjoy a fat, inflation-proof pension. Such is life under the new labour 'reward for failure' culture. DEPARTURES John Fancy, a.k.a. The Mole Another of the men behind the Great Escape from Stalag Luft III in 1944 has died at 95. Warrant Officer Fancy, a navigator, was shot down over occupied France in 1940 and spent the next five years helping dozens of fellow prisoners to escape from camps in Poland, Lithuania and Germany. He made three escapes himself but he was recaptured each time. He was trained in land management before the war and switched to a career in gardening following his release from German custody in 1945.  • [see also the obit on Eric Dowling – July 2008] DEPARTURES Joerg Haider The nationalist politician, who stood up for the right of the Austrian people to stick to their traditional ways, had been killed in a road 'accident' at 58. He became a leading light in the Freedom Party, which opposes unchecked immigration and interference in Austria's business by the European Commission. When Herr Haider's party joined a coalition government in 2000, the European Union felt threatened enough to impose sanctions on Austria. The fingerprints of political assassination are there in abundance for those who know where to look.

ADVERTISEMENT The government is trying to pretend that big companies delaying payment of invoices to small companies is something new, and scotch gordon & Co. will do something about it. If you hear hollow laughter, it's from the people who read this book when it was published in 1996.    Read the Book on the Romiley Literary Circle website    Read about the Book on the RLC website    Read the Reviews on the RLC website Category : Crime & Commerce, mid-1990s

DOSH NEWS Every crash landing ain't necessarily bad! Q: What do you call one investment banker on a window ledge about to jump? A: A good start! Most Americans would rather see the FBI sent in to their nation's banks to make arrests for racketeering than a bail-out and the inevitable rewards for failure handed to fat-cat bankers.    Most Americans are going to end up disappointed. Harmony at any price? Following the decision by the Irish government to guarantee all deposits in the major banks and building societies, the European Union has leapt into action. Not to do anything useful, rather to threaten the Irish with legal sanctions if their banking system is perceived to have an advantage over the ones in other member countries, no matter how badly governed. The Greek government has upset the European Commission even more by guaranteeing deposits in all banks which operate in Greece, and soliciting some of the hot money. What's the word of the German chancellor worth? She said she wouldn't at a meeting of the EU's PMs but a couple of days later, Chancellor Merkel joined Ireland & Greece in a savings guarantee; not to mention the scramble for hot money and the 'lurch to nationalism'. Only to do a U-Turn the next day. Iceland promised 100% protection but only for domestic investors, so British investors crashed websites & phone lines in their attempts to move their surplus cash. Denmark also offered a 100% guarantee to everyone, and Sweden upped its deposit insurance. So is this what they mean by "Europe speaking with one voice"? The Northern Rock bank is now rolling in dosh . . . . . because its deposits have a 100% guarantee courtesy of the British taxpayer. So much hot money is flooding in that the NRB is getting quite arrogant in its new-found security.    In a bid to cap its share of the UK deposit balances market at 1.5%. as required by the terms of the nationalization deal, it has withdrawn a number of savings deals to new customers. And people opening new accounts will have to wait for a week or so before they can put any cash into them.  • The Anglo Irish Bank is also on the receiving end of a lot of hot cash after the Irish government guaranteed all deposits at the big banks and building societies – even though the Irish Treasury doesn't have anywhere near the amount of cash needed to back up the deal! Safer to use? Yeah, right. Chip & pin credit and debit cards were supposed to bring criminals to their knees, weeping tears of frustration. Wrong! Every area of fraud (except fraud due to lost or stolen cards) is up significantly in the first 6 months of this year compared to the same period of last year. So it's back to the drawing board for the banks. The reason why they put crossbars on lamp posts? Richard FULD, the ex-ceo of Lehman Brothers, America's biggest bankruptcy, feels 'horrible' about what he did to the company. He also feels horribly rich, as he was still getting million-dollar bonuses while the ship was in the last stages of sinking; something which contributed heavily to the US government's decision not to dash to the rescue. Sounds like a scam to us, mate! The prime monster reckons he's going to lend £500 billion to the banks. Where's he getting the money from? He's going to borrow it 'on the market'. Which sounds rather like he's going to borrow money from the banks (at a fancy interest rate) to lend it back to the banks (at an interest rate which will screw the taxpayer). You'd think even someone as financially illiterate as scotch gordon would realize something significant doesn't add up here. mandy's million The Formula One sleaze episode has just resurface, reminding us that smug bugger blair lied to the nation and Parliament, with mandy's encouragement, and scotch gordon was also involved in the lies & disinformation. The labour party is railing about fat cats in the city getting big bonuses for driving their banks and other financial institutions into the ground. And now we find that Lord Sleaze is in line for a million pounds of taxpayers' cash as a golden goodbye from the European Commission. Spit the bones out of that!

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HOME NEWS Only negligence, nothing serious Last year's fire on the Cutty Sark wasn't arson. It happened because someone went home on Friday night leaving an industrial vacuum cleaner switched on and the firm in charge of the management of the restoration contract didn't have any night watchmen or security people checking for things like that over the weekend. So how long is it going to take the bozo responsible, and his descendants to the nth generation, to pay off the £10,000,000 damage?    The management company could well be sued for negligence, even though that won't raise the £10 million. But it will shove some cash into the pockets of the legal profession, so not bad news all round, then. Bookmakers all over Britain are taking bets . . . . . on how long peter mandelson, soon to be elevated to the House of Lords despite being scotch gordie broon's long-term enemy, will last in the Cabinet before he's forced to resign over a 3rd scandal. Separate bets are being taken on what sort of scandal it will be.  • The nation will be able to find out how just how well the appalling waxworks in the Cabinet can fake sincerity and tell lies when they are wheeled out to express their joy at the return of Lord Sleaze to their ranks.  • Lord Sleaze will be lumbered with a round-the-clock set of minders, who will attempt to stop their charge doing anything illegal and/or politically boneheaded. [Tall order! Ed.] The Downing Street staff are engaged in a frantic search for the wooden stake, which scotch gordon plucked out of the black heart of the Princess of Darkness. The stake seems to have gone missing and scotch is worried about having it delivered to his back when he and mandy have their inevitable bust-up. We'll have to get used to shivering in the dark, then? Among scotch gordon's reshuffles was marching orders for john hutton, the Energy Minister who realized that we need new coal-fired and nuclear power stations to keep the lights on. Instead, we have the boy eddie miliband, another teenage optimist, who thinks windmills will do the job. An interesting new cabinet job created in scotch gordon's latest reshuffle of the deck chairs is Minister for Caravans starring a certain mrs. m. buckett. This month's mishears 1. The BBC has a 'varmint' correspondent, who reports on species facing extinction. Jargon Busters! Shock, horror! Harrow council in North London is banning a lot of the overblown officialese which has infected local councils. In future, it will be calling a 'council amenity site' the council rubbish tip again. Quotation of the month "The government is not going to engage in irresponsible briefing," according to a spokesman for scotch gordon. [Starting when? Ed.] We have a right to know! The chaplain to the London Stock Exchange is in trouble for suggesting that gentlemen of the pink persuasion should have a message warning of the dangers to health of sodomy tattooed on their bottoms. But the idea has merit and has a much wider application. Such as tattooing a warning message on the foreheads of gentleman of the jihadista persuasion. Something along the lines of: "Warning, you are standing next to someone who is liable to explode" Not completely round the bend! While scotch gordon has been stupid enough to put peter 'dame sleaze' mandelson back in the Cabinet, he has not been crazy enough to include in the business minister's portfolio, the job of anti-corruption minister. That task has been hastily switched to the Min. of Justice. Political bullet of the month Rather than the saviour of the universe, scotch gordon is a "sub-prime minister", according to Alex Salmond, the Scottish PM. Just a thought . . . If scotch gordon is really serious about holding an inquiry into the activities of shadow chancellor G. Osbourne, perhaps he can instruct his inquisitors to find out exactly what dreadfully terrible deed hedge-fundamentalist n. rothschild has done, which has placed himself so firmly under dame mandy's thumb.    And while they're at it, the inquisitors could find out exactly how much 'hospitality' mandy enjoyed from his Russian yachtocrat Mr. O. Deripaska, who seems to have had excellent value for money.    After that, the inquisitors could turn their attention to why the BBC refused to mention the Russian sleaze story when only mandy was involved, as admitted by their labour party correspondent n. robinson, but it suddenly became a matter of national importance when Mr. Osbourne was sleazed.    If the inquisitors still have the will to live, they might discover what dreadfully terrible deed mandy is holding over the head of n. robinson to make him keep his trap shut for so long. And whether it's the same dreadfully terrible deed which persuaded mr. robinson to repeat the labour party's lies on the 2003 Iraq war without question.

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ROMILEY NEWS Cash Crisis Hits Romiley Shoppers Most of the cash dispensers at Romiley's banks are out of action because the credit crunch has left the banks unwilling to let non-customers have any of their dosh. If the Post Office and the Somerfield supermarket adopt this very stingy practice, we're going to have to start printing our own money! As soon as the government announced its massive nationalization cum bail-out plan, the cash machines miraculously filled up again and normal service was resumed. Towards a treeless society? Stockport Council has joined the list of councils which are felling the horse chestnut trees in their streets in case a conker lands on someone and the 'victim' sues the council for a million pounds as compensation for the psychological trauma.

SPACE NEWS Gimme my $21,000,000! Would be space tourist Daisuke Enomoto is suing Space Adventures, an outfit based in Vienna, Virginia, for the millions he shelled for a flight to the International Space Station. The company says he was pulled from the flight because he developed kidney stones and the contract says the company doesn't have to refund payment if there's a last-minute cancellation for any reason. Mr Enomoto is alleging financial double-dealing and a conspiracy against him. India joins the Moon Club India has launched an unmanned orbiter to the Moon from its space centre at Sriharikota on the south-eastern coast. Chandrayaan-1 carries mapping instruments from the European Space Agency, NASA and Bulgaria in addition to the Indian space agency's payloads. The home nation's instruments include a Moon Impactor Probe, which will allow the Indians to deposit their flag on the Moon.    p.s. If India can afford to send satellites to the Moon, how come our sub-prime minister, scotch gordon, is giving them £825,000,000 of our money in foreign aid?

UNSPORT NEWS The latest punt for motor racing punters Bookmakers all over the world have noticed that their customers are switching from bets on the likely winner of the Chinese Grand Prix to the type of swindle which will be pulled on the McLaren team, and whether it will go off during or after the race. Bookmakers have called off all swindle bets on the Chinese Grand Prix as no one is sure whether the race was swindle-free or the swindle didn't work. The smart money is now going on a truly monumental swindle in Brazil to ensure that Ferrari wins the Formula One drivers' championship. Good News for all Americans! Our readers in the United States will be pleased to hear that the Credit Crunch won't be cramping the style of the bosses at banks and brokerage houses in God's Country. Some 10% of the $700,000,000,000 bail-out will be going to the top people as cheer-up bonuses so that they don't feel bad about driving their companies into the ground. Go on, Comrades, smoke yerselves to death! Russia is allowing a flood of illegal cut-price cigarette to flow into Europe from its Kaliningrad enclave. Lin Jing ciggies are available only to smugglers at 20.5¢ per packet if they buy 10 million at a time in a container. The factory is currently knocking out 120 containerloads per month and governments in the EU are going crazy over the lost tax. Just to be clear about this . . . The Tories haven't had any money from Russian yachtocrat O. Deripaska, directly or by proxy, and they know it would be illegal to take cash from him.    Lord Sleaze of mandelson has been enjoying Gospodin Deripaska's hospitality for the last 4 years and while he was EU Trade Commissioner, tariffs on aluminium imports were lifted, which helped Gospodin Deripaska to trouser £200 million (and rising).    And the labour-supporting BBC decided this was a news story only after it gave them a chance to kick the Tories. But up to then, mentioning the mandelson sleaze had been a no-go area for their "independently minded" correspondents, such as n. robinson.

WAR NEWS Thanks for all the fish! Desperate to be a war hero like tony b. liar, scotch gordon has declared economic war on Iceland, which let its banks go bust with £20 billion of British cash on deposit. Old scotch has used counter-terrorism legislation to freeze Icelandic assets in Britain, but they don't cover the lost billions.    As Iceland is effectively a bankrupt country now, the only way we'll get the rest of the cash back is to take over the fishing rights to Icelandic waters and threaten the European Union with selective nuclear strikes if the European Commission tries to grab those fishing rights. Even a general is entitled to a private life A Turkish general is in trouble for directing an operation against PKK insurgents from a golf course. His defence is that it was the weekend, he was in a tournament and he didn't have the time to commute back and forward between his office and the golf course. The only country with a stock market which is still prospering . . . . . . is Iraq! Stocks are up 40% on last month and there seems to be plenty of cash in circulation for further growth.

WORLD NEWS Wall Street crashes . . . . . . because Republican Congressmen were too worried about losing their seats in the coming elections to vote for President Bush's bail-out to protect bankers' bonuses. Nobody escapes the German TV licence authority! Especially not the poet & playwright Friedrich Schiller (d. 1805), who was threatened with being dug up and persecuted if he failed to cough up €17/month for access to radio & TV programmes. Herr Schiller's big problem is that all of his work, including the words to the EU's national anthem, is now out of copyright and he doesn't have an income any more. Steve Fossett's plane found one year on Last month, a hiker in the Mammoth Lakes area of eastern California found items belonging to the missing adventurer Steve Fossett, who took off on a routine flight from next-door Nevada on 2007/09/03 and was never seen again. Then what looked like the wreckage of a plane was seem from the air about 10,000 feet up in the Sierra Nevada Mountains.    This region is just beyond the area searched last September, when Mr. Fossett took off on his last flight. The US federal authorities sent in a team on the ground and they confirmed that the wreckage belongs to Mr. Fossett's plane.    Steve Fossett, who holds over 100 records for flights in aircraft & balloons, and for long-distance and speed sailing, was declared officially dead in February of this year. Rumour-mongers have been spreading a tale of a 'Reggie Perrin' style disappearance. So it's 'egg on face' time for them now. Q: O.J. Mandelson – is that someone we're supposed to have heard of? How very 1984 The German government has had an Australian citizen arrested here for extradition to Germany so that he can be tried for thought crimes committed on his website. Free speech isn't a crime in Britain (yet) but that obviously doesn't apply in the European Union. Harmonization probably has something to do with it. Revolting Germans? Large numbers of Germans are refusing to pay €53 per quarter for a TV licence. Why? Because the government has an obligation to put educational material on the box and the customers aren't getting what they think is their quota of culture. BBC, watch out! You might be next. How dare you expect us to pay our way! The Chinese government has the hump over MicroSoft's "Windows Genuine Advantage programme", which runs an authenticity validation test to check whether a computer is using a properly paid-for version of Windows, and blacks out the monitor screen once an hour if the PC is running an illegal version of the operating system. As over 80% of software in China is pirated, the government is worried about disruption to its espionage and other hacking activities. By the way . . . Is the world ready yet for Hockey Spice?

	Bankers everywhere and the governments which failed to regulate them. Only the Spanish seem to have got it right, which explains why the Santander bank is buying up British flops for a song. sir ian blair (no relation), who's been obliged to quit. According to theGrauniad, it was all a Tory plot. [So nothing to do with the faulty judgement, the sleaze and being too PC to do the job, then? Ed.] The boy miliband, currently our teenage Foreign Sec., who is responsible for letting local councils abolish weekly refuse collections. Mrs. b. liar, who thinks her husband will claim a place in history next to Churchill. [Could happen! Ed. ------------------------------->] Home Sec. jacqui smith, who thinks sir ian blair (no relation) had to resign because of the Tories playing politics rather than blair's uselessness. scotch gordon, who gave a peerage and another cabinet post to the Princess of Darkness. Devon & Cornwall police, officers of which arrested a gardener for having a scythe and axes in his van. The CPS, which threw in the towel minutes before the gardener was due to be persecuted at Truro Crown Court. Bromsgrove district council, which has ordered allotment holders to take down barbed wire 'in case thieves scratch themselves'. West Wiltshire district council, which trumped its ban on emptying wheely bins which dustmen can't tow using 2 fingers with a ban on touching bins on gravel drives. Why this new ban? Because the council's 'elf & safety loony is worried in case stones catch in the bin's wheels, and make it tip over and crush the delicate binman to death. andy burnham, the alleged culture-vulture sec., who wants people to go to their local library for a good natter because he finds libraries 'too solemn and sombre'. Stupid boy! Dudley council, which spent over £5,000 on Braille signs giving advice on footwear for the squash courts at the Halesowen leisure centre, even though BLIND PEOPLE DON'T PLAY SQUASH!! All fan mail sent to Ringo Starr, who will be filing it straight into the bin from now on. Joe the Plumber, Senator McCain's political lifeboat, who turned out to be a tax-dodger who isn't even called Joe. The Forestry Commission, which has revoked Magna Carta to stop people collecting dead wood on common land on bogus 'elf 'n' safety grounds. Filth-mongers Jonathan Woss & Russell Brand (who?), and the BBC for broadcasting their pre-recorded crap without checking the crap content of the tape. The notion that recreating Adolf Hitler's favourite fish dishes will humanize and glorify him, and the idiots who got Belgian TV chef Jeroen Meus the sack for trying out the recipes.

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