2007/September    FINAL	Every edition of BFN is compiled in accordance with official 10 Downing Street guidelines on accuracy and veracity.
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SPORTS NEWS CONGRATS!!! To Brett Favre of the Green Bay Packers for catching up with Dan Marino's record of 420 career touchdown passes with most of a season left. To Casey Stoner on becoming the youngest ever MotoGP champion, and the world's most marketable Aussie, by finishing 6th in Japan and well ahead of Valentino 'The Doctor' Rossi.

HISTORY REWRITTEN The ally campbell school of veracity? Joan of Arc was a schizophrenic peasant, who heard 'the voices' and was used by the French aristocracy to front a campaign against the English at Orleans. She was discarded when she had served her purpose and burned at the stake by the English using wood bought from local French merchants.    Wrong! says the latest book of revisionism. She was a bastard daughter of the French queen, she was educated and well trained for her part in lifting the siege of Orleans, and after she was discarded, English soldiers swapped her for another woman, who was burned in Joan's stead, and she married a French knight and retired from public life.    About all the authors of this load of tosh have forgotten to include is that the French knight was a direct descendant of Jesus, who avoided crucifixion by a similar substitution and retired from public life in Transalpine Gaul.

WEIGHT NEWS I'm not wrong, it's the world that's at fault! The official kilogramme, a 1,000-gramme lump of platinum/iridium alloy kept in a safe at Sevres, near Paris, is getting lighter for an unexplained reason. As the official kilogramme is defined as the weight of this object, the French police are investigating the possibility that size zero models have been filing bits off it in an attempt to make themselves seem heavier when they are weighed for a Catwalk Eligibility Certificate.

SPACE NEWS Japan's journey to the Moon The Japanese Aerospace Exploration Agency has launched a serious Moon mission consisting of a main orbiter weighing 3 tons and a pair of 50 kg satellites. The main orbiter will circle the Moon at 60 miles up while the satellites map previously uncharted regions at the lunar poles.    The aim of the mission is to gather data on the distribution of chemical elements and minerals in an attempt to provide a definitive solution to the problem of the Moon's origin and evolution. The spacecraft is named "Kaguya" after a beautiful princess in a Japanese folk tale, who vamped a whole bunch of blokes on Earth before returning to her home on the Moon

READERS RANT . . . "The Clunking Fist, the Listening Ear, the Big Fake Grin of a good ol' boy, the Sparkling Teeth of Perfection; our prime monster seems to be projecting himself as 'this week's body part'; a strategy which can result only in his ending up as The Dickhead with egg on his face." "No surprise that the Bank of England talked tough then bailed out the Northern Rock bank when it found itself recklessly over-extended. The bank is based in the North-East and surprise! That's traditional labour party territory. And which sort of government do we have at the moment?" scotch gordy broon has decided to make the taxpayer liable for the business failures of the Northern Rock's management. Which is nice of him. "One thing you can be sure of; under labour's culture of rewarding failure, the Northern Rock's directors are in line for STONKING big bonuses in the near future." "The Ferrari International Assistance organization has fined the McLaren Formula One team £50 million for benefitting from espionage and surprise! They've awarded the constructors' championship to Ferrari. But then, the FIA has a history of dodgy deals in the interests of the brand and giving to Ferrari and its drivers what they can't achieve on the track." "That promise to bail out Northern Rock was the sort of promise you make knowing you'll never have to deliver on it; like 'I'll give you a million quid if I win the lottery.' And if the worst came to the worst, Northern Rock depositors would find that they'd have to produce 47 bits of ID and a court order to go with a claim for their cash, and knowing the speed governments go at when they're not paying cash to cronies, anyone over 30 would be long dead before any cash was delivered. " "What happens when the prime monster 'takes charge' of a crisis? We get a pompous announcement that he's having a COBRA meeting to make it sound dead important. Then – nothing. The crisis; foot & mouth, flooding, a dodgy bank collapsing, whatever; just rumbles on until it runs out of steam. And we all sit back and wait for the next bit of political posturing." "The bin will be a good enough place to keep them in, as far as I'm concerned." – a reader's comment about the Guardian's Free Great Interviews collectors box. "Watching Downfall (the final act of the Third Reich Show) on Film 4, I was stuck by the strong similarities between Mr. Hitler and our own current führer. Like Hitler, the clunking fist is living in his own version of history where everything went right instead of wrong, the economy is strong instead of built on a mountain of debt and, with everything crashing in ruins about his ears, he continues to build grand visions of what his Reich will be like after a few local difficulties have been sorted out."

ARRIVALS   Moira Cameron The first lady Beefeater in the whole history of the universe joined the gang at the Tower of London this month, providing a further attraction for tourists to photograph. She has 22 years' service in the army under her belt, including postings to Northern Ireland and deployments 'abroad'. Although officially on the strength at the Tower, she has a 6-month script-learning period ahead of her, so she won't be able to do guided tours until next February. ARRIVALS   Sybil The Chancellor of the Exchequer (him with the unlikely eyebrows) works at 11 Downing Street but lives at No. 10 as a routine precaution against assassination, which means that his cat is free to explore the domain once ruled by Humphrey, the last official Downing Street Cat. His reign was brought to a premature end by the Wicked Witch of the West, the appalling wife of the previous prime monster. Luckily for Sybil, Mrs. Broon is a better human being.

CLIMATE NEWS   Propaganda & Weather History The Met Office would like us to believe that we have just had the wettest summer in the whole history of the universe as part of the government's programme of climate-change scams. But hold the call to the Guinness Book of Records. The Met Office's records go back only to 1914 while weather historian Peter Eden has data going back to 1727, and he can cite 15 summers which were wetter than 2007's.    The 16th wettest summer on record? Not too impressive with the spin removed, is it? Cash Cow The government extracts £29 BILLION per year in 'green' taxes. How about that for a Great Global Warming Swindle! Drought? What drought? "Droughts are becoming longer and more intense," the former presidential hopeful, the blessed Al Gore told a US Congressional committee in March. He might think that, because it suits his money-grubbing climate change agenda, but the facts don't support him.    There were 8 severe droughts in 1901-1920, 1921-1940 and also 1941-1960. There were 5 severe droughts between 1961 and 1981, but there were just 3 severe droughts between 1981 and 2000.    Oh, dear, Al! They say cheats never prosper but he doesn't seem to be doing too badly. It's always all about the money An American court has rejected an attempt by Californian spivs to sue motor manufacturers for selling vehicles which put carbon dioxide into the atmosphere.    The spivs charged motor manufacturers with creating a public nuisance and moaned that: "Global warming has already injured California, its environment, its economy, and the health and well-being of its citizens". They hoped to extort millions of dollars from General Motors, Ford, Toyota, DaimlerChrysler and the US subsidiaries of Honda and Nissan.    Judge Martin Jenkins said that for the action to succeed, the court would have to make a ruling on an acceptable level of carbon dioxide emissions from vehicles. He felt unqualified to do this, and sent the spivs packing.

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CRIME NEWS The brown mentality The police are to be sent out with ticket machines and pocket computers to make it easier for them to issue £80 fixed-penalty tickets to minor criminals. At present, only half of these fines are paid. So the government has set the nation's police services the target of doubling the number of tickets issued by 2010 to bring fixed-penalty revenue up to the right level. Another brilliant idea bites the dust The government's strategy of kidnapping newborn babies for adoption to reduce the child murder rate has flopped. Social workers are being paid record levels of forced adoption bonuses, but while the rate of infant kidnapping has doubled, the rate of baby murders has gone up by 50%.

DOSH NEWS You earn it, they waste it Back in 2002, Sir Derek Wanless persuaded the then Chancellor of the Exchequer to spend lots more money on the NHS. Some bloke called scotch gordon broon then dreamed up a whole mess of stealth taxes and flung £43,000,000,000 of other people's money at the NHS.    5 years later, Sir Derek has done an audit and come to the unsurprising conclusion that all that extra cash has had no impact on the quality of patient care. Worse, NHS productivity is down, the GP out-of-hours service is currently dreadful and the population of Britain is still smoking and eating too much.    The Treasury refused to pay for Sir Derek's audit; and no wonder if it shows that scotch gordon and his chums wasted all that money. Another brilliant idea bites the dust The government's plan to give £120 of taxpayers' cash to every pregnant woman looks like hitting the buffers. It is blatantly sexist and illegal under European anti-discrimination laws, and the labour party is going to have to back down or end up with egg on its collective face in court. "Don't panic, Mr. Mainwaring!" The website doesn't work, you can't draw money out of your account on transfer it between accounts, you can't make a deposit and you can't open a new account with the Northern Rock bank. But it's "business as usual", according to Adam Applegarth, the chief executive, and the chancellor, 'him with the eyebrows' darling.    When the former chancellor (him with the Stealth Taxes) and the present one (him with the eyebrows) promised to guarantee money deposited with the Northern Rock; something that didn't happen for Equitable Life depositors and the people in collapsed pension funds; people still continued to draw their money out of the bank, which says a lot about public confidence in this government.    When questioned, they said that after 10 years of lies and spin from labour, they didn't believe the guarantee; and if the worst came to the worst, they wanted their money right away instead of waiting for the labour party to hand it out at its leisure.    They also mentioned that the government's offer of support doesn't have the backing of Parliament and 'him with the eyebrows' didn't say how long the guarantee is good for. Him with the eyebrows has been forced to admit that his 'guarantee' doesn't apply to anyone foolish enough to have opened an account at Northern Rock after the trouble started. Falls over in amazement! Even the Guardian is blaming scotch gordon for the collapse of confidence in the Northern Rock bank because he put in place the negligent 'regulation' scheme and the dozy buggers at the FSA, who sat on their hands while the bank's bosses sleep-walked into disaster by breaking the prime directive: 'Never borrow short to lend long.' We could add that scotch also has a couple of mates on the bank's cosmetic 'risk committee', but he's keeping very quiet about what they told him and when. A nice little earner! Ofcom has fined GMTV £2 million for letting viewers call premium-rate competition phone lines after the winner was picked. But GMTV ain't that bothered. They operated the scam for 4 years and made £20 million out of it, so they're still well ahead of the game.

DEPARTURES Luciano Pavarotti The greatest tenor of his generation has died at 71. His career as an operatic performer began in the early 1960s and reached its peak a decade later. When he was chosen to perform Nessun Dorma as the theme tune of the 1990 World Cup, he achieved a rock star's world-wide recognition. Three Tenors gigs with Placido Domingo & Jose Carreras followed, and 'popera' performances with the likes of U2 and Sting.    "His temperament was as exasperating as his voice was sublime," is the epitaph from theatre managers plagued by cancellations. Paverotti had planned a farewell tour in 2006, but illness overtook him and his final operatic performance was to be the one he made in New York in March 2004. Big voice, big personality, big man (25 stone), big pain in the ass! DEPARTURES White coats for doctors A casualty of the MRSA and Clostridium difficile++ epidemics, the traditional sparkling white labcoat is to be replaced by scrubs with short sleeves to prevent the spread of disease via cuffs. Ties are also out, as are watches and items of personal jewellery which interfere with the doctor's ability to wash his/her hands properly between customers. ++ MRSA and C. diff. infections are at record levels due to the government's policy of eliminating hygiene measure in NHS hospitals on cost grounds. DEPARTURES Marcel Marceau The man blamed for re-inventing the mime character 60 years ago has died at 84. He was the only mime working in Europe in 1949, he became an international superstar after a successful tour of the United States in the mid-1950s and now, there are places in California where you can't move for mimes. None of whom paid their inspiration any commission. Which is probably why the poor bloke was still working until well into the 21st century.

WORDS OF THE MONTH  1. argumentativo [n, Portuguese (context: legal)] we think you're guilty so would you mind confessing to save us the bother of fitting you up? 2. Hemdheber [n, German (context: pejorative)] shirtlifter 3. Fauxbia [n, (context: medical)] a false aversion

HOME NEWS Doom & Gloom in heritage & museum industry The government is stealing £60 million from the lottery funds, which would should have gone to museums, etc., to waste on the 2012 Olympics. That's in addition to the £233 million stolen in previous smash & grabs. No one is to blame The Dept. of Guesswork had come up with a possible scenario for the leak of foot & mouth virus last month. The virus might have escaped into a pipe at one of the laboratories on the Pirbright site, it might have been washed to the surface by floods and it might have been transported to the affected farms on the tyres of contractors' vehicles. But no one will ever know for sure, so no one can be blamed.    How very new labour! brown bogs it up again The government is getting the blame for this month's return of foot & mouth disease. It lifted the ban on livestock movements far too early – They did it for party political reasons rather than for scientific ones, is the charge.    The prime monster has taken personal charge of suppressing the disease again, so stand by for further cock-ups. Ming might be good for something, after all Sir Menzies Campbell, the Liberal leader pro tem, is rumoured to be planning to make his MP Norman Baker the head of a well-funded team with the job of exposing ministerial incompetence & corruption. One of the scalps on Mr. Baker's belt is that of a certain p. mandelson, so he obviously knows how to do the job.    The only problem on the horizon is that there is so much ministerial bungling & grabbing going on with labour in power that there aren't enough Libs around to expose all of it. Dream on, you big clunker! In his self-congratulatory party jamboree speech, scotch gordon promised to mend everything he's broken: pensions, the NHS, education, border controls & immigration, the neglected armed forces, politicization of the civil service, sleaze, corruption, labour's destruction of the British way of life – absolutely everything. And he expects us to be grateful to him. One small problem: someone with his track record is likely only to make thinks worse! Sleaze-buster in action Ofcom has fined the government £200,000 for running fake citizens' juries, which let the participants believe that their views were being sought when scotch gordon and his cronies had already made up their tiny little minds.

STRANGLED Harmonization by enforced metrication The European Union's plan to make Britain abandon all of its traditional weights & measures has hit the buffers. Pints, feet & inches, gallons and furlongs are to remain legal 'until kingdom come' [an expression calculated to upset Jihadistas]. Which is one in the eye for all the labour Quislings, who tried to make the European establishment's grotesque obsession with sameness happen in his country.    But before anyone gets too overjoyed, let us not forget that corrupt blair labour decided in 2001 that all reference to non-metric measurements would become illegal after 2009, and that law remains in force. Open government scotch gordon's famous "Citizens' Juries! are run by government departments (i.e. labour party stooges) which decide who goes on the jury, which topics are discussed and what the conclusions are. And the meetings are held under conditions of strict secrecy. 'Nuff said!

TELECOMS NEWS Service by class divisions Bank call centres are using caller ID technology to decide when to respond to the customers' need to talk to someone. Poor people from bad postcode areas are shunted to the back of the queue. So if you spend 20 minutes listening to crap music, or if you're shunted off to India, it's your own fault for not being posh enough.    The police and local councils are also using the same call-screening system on their unhelp lines, and there's a lot more of it to come.

TRAVEL NEWS Foot off, you bastards! Merseyrail is determined to continue to be the only train operator which persecutes yobs of all ages if they persist in wiping their dirty boots on train seats. 240 criminals have already been dragged to court and the company is fixing to smite another 600 of the ungodly in the near future. Good for them! Never mind boots, too big for everything! The government has abandoned plans for using double-decker trains to reduce congestion on commuter lines on the grounds that the population is getting too big and fat. Boffins at the Transport Ministry worked out that the extra weight on double-decker trains would put too much of a strain on badly maintained track and bridges.    Rather than cough up enough cash to make the track safe, the govt. decided to go for longer trains. Which means that station platforms will have to be built longer. Which will mean that commuters will see no benefit in the immediate future. But hey; a problem postponed is a problem dumped off on someone else. You ain't goin' nowhere in a hurry! The Spanish govt. has decided to introduce US-style information checks on travellers, so waiting times at airports are expected to get even longer. In future, f you go for a fortnight's holiday in Spain, expect to spend at least 2 days at airports.

WAR NEWS The Yellow Peril getting restless The Chinese army is doing its best to hack into every computer in every government department in Europe and the United States . It's all to do with a campaign of sabre-rattling by the appalling waxworks of the Chinese communist party, who are jockeying for position in the new leadership line-up.    The Germans have told them to pack it in but, naturally, our teenage Foreign Sec., d. miliband, is too wimpy to object. We're still not bothered! The Russians are claiming to have exploded the world's biggest fuel-air bomb, but they won't say where or when, in their sabre-rattling contest with the Americans. The new, improved Bomb creates vast amounts of harmless carbon dioxide when it explodes, as opposed to showers of long-lived, lethal radiation. It has the obvious advantage that it can be made using biofuels to create a 'green weapon'. But we in Europe can still feel secure. As has been said before, if the Russians drop their bomb on us, there'll be no one to buy their gas & oil, and their economy will collapse. Time Marches Backwards, Comrades! The trade unions have had enough of the 21st century. They haven't had a good strike for years and their leaders are feeling neglected by the meeja. But they've suddenly realized that they can turn the clock back to the 1978.    Margaret Thatcher trimmed their sails in the 1980s but the union bosses have seen ten years of the labour party in action, or what passes for it, and they are now confident that if scotch gordon tries to stop illegal strikes, he's bound to make a bog of it.    Incompetence rulz, OK?

WORLD NEWS Lions led by donkeys? The European Commission wants to let in 20 million migrants from Africa and Asia. No thoughts on where to put them, of course, or their gangs of dependents. We thought you'd like to know The judge reading the Portuguese police dossier on the McCann's, whose daughter Madeleine disappeared over 4 months ago, is called Pedro dos Anjos Frias. Which we translate at Mr. Justice Rocky two Cold Years. Rhodesia was the bread-basket of Africa under British rule With Mugabe in charge, more people die every week in Zimbabwe of starvation & disease than are killed in Iraq, which is still an active war zone. Nice deal for the lawyers The European Court of First Instance has taken 3 years to uphold a fine of €497 million and a ruling that MicroSoft has abused its monopoly on PC operating systems. After 9 years' messing about, the company will have to stump up the dosh and open up the details of its OS to other software developers (unless they spend the next 9 years making appeals).    Other virtual monopolies in the computer field, including Google, IBM, Apple, Intel and QualComm, are reading the judgement nervously. Peruvian Who Dunnit! People living at Carangas (near Puno) in Peru are blaming an epidemic of fainting, nausea and vomiting on an attack from outer space. They have decided that a newly formed crater near their town is the source of the problem, and that it was caused by a meteorite.    Geologists & space experts have concluded that the crater is most likely to be hydrothermal in origin, especially if it contains boiling water and emits sulphurous fumes. If the crater was caused by a meteorite, then the impactor would have been a small, iron meteorite, which would not have released gases.    Medical experts have pointed out to BlackFlag News that fainting, nausea and vomiting are the classic symptoms of mass hysteria. How to get the result you want Iran has hired a team of labour party statisticians from the Home Office to count the number of homosexuals in that Islamic country. They obligingly came up with the desired official number – a resounding zero. Burma's military government is now bidding for the services of the same team to prove that no one in that country is really bothered about having a democracy.

NOT GARBAGE   The Guardian's service for supplying missing   "Great Interviews" booklets "There's an 0800 freephone number to call and the booklet arrives the next day. Amazing!"

	scotch gordon's Citizen's Jury scam. "Consulting the public is the politician's alternative to listening to them." Putting plane crashes, murder, cancer and other natural causes in the stats for rock star mortality to sex them up and make it look like a really dangerous job. Kathleen Jennings – if she doesn't know at 19 that you're not supposed to wipe your feet on train seats, then she's not fit to become a teacher. Ashley Mote; this British MEP was gaoled for benefit fraud in his home country this month but the rules mean that he keeps his job among the other criminals at the European Parliament. The government's failure to repair the drains at the Pirbright laboratory complex; the source of the foot & mouth outbreak. Portugal's secrecy of justice laws, which fail to stop the police leaking propaganda to the news media. scotch gordon again for toadying up to Lady Thatcher, whom he hates, while pretending he has political principles. The northern rock bank's lending policy and it's customer confidence rating. Bernie Salisbury, the director of nursing who banned knitting in a Cheshire hospital for alleged health & safety reasons; the poor lad was worried that demented patients would poke eyes out with knitting needles. The BBC's hysteria over vote-rigging. It's labour party policy they're challenging! scotch gordon's plan for a national motto – a statement of gordon's version of British values, which is to be chiselled onto every public building in the land. It's bound to be trite if not totally naff. Go brown for Bouncing Balls-Ups! labour's rules, which require the police and fire brigade to stand and watch as members of the public drown. Greater Manchester Police which, in addition to not letting its staff save drowning people on the grounds that it's too dangerous, won't let the staff ride bikes, either, in case they fall off. eddie (he's talking) balls for pretending he's not a toff like Dave the Leader or Blond Bombshell Boris, the hopeful challenger to the livingstone Newt Party's hold on the job of Mayor of London. jackie straw, the have-a-go hero, for being all talk. labour's sorry attempts to count the number of migrants and the bogus numbers created by its statisticians to cover up serial failure.

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