2006/December    FINAL	Every edition of BFN is compiled in accordance with official 10 Downing Street guidelines on accuracy and veracity.

A recycled Merry Xmas & a Good New Year to all our readers and rotten ones to miserable multiculturalists, dastardly diversifyers and all other Xmas denyers.    BlackFlag News would like to thank all who contributed to the 2006 issues – and we hope to hear from you again, and your friends, in 2007!

DEPARTURES Charlie Drake The last of the great slapstick comedians has died at 81. The diminutive comedian and actor made his fortune in the 1960s & 1970s and then spent it, mainly via serious gambling. He was a man who knew how to enjoy life, he was willing to risk life and limb doing stunts with a safety margin of 'one-eighth of an inch' and he was stubborn to the point of wrecking his career.    His decision to walk off the Ed Sullivan Show when the producers tried to mess about with his act cost him the chance of any further work in the United States, and a row with Equity and the taxman helped to end his comedy career in Britain in the mid-1970s. He reinvented himself as a straight actor and continued to work into the 1990s, when ill health brought his career to an end.

DEPARTURES Gerald Ford America's 'transitional' president has died at 93. He became Richard Nixon's vice president in 1973 when income tax evader Spiro Agnew was forced to resign and he moved up to the top job when Nixon was obliged to quit over the cover-up of the aftermath of the Watergate Hotel burglary.    Gerald Ford was a talented athlete in his younger days but he managed to acquire a reputation for clumsiness and being unable to 'walk and chew gum at the same time'. He was a decent man of integrity and he is credited with calming things down and restoring presidential credibility after the excitement around Nixon's downfall. But his decision to pardon Nixon made a heavy contribution to ensuring that he would not be elected to the presidency when his term ended in 1977.    He was the husband of Betty, the reformed alcoholic who founded the esteemed Betty Ford Clinic for the rehabilitation of drunks, druggies & celebs.

CLIMATE NEWS Q. What do we do about       rising sea levels? "We didn't get weather like this under the Tories!" A. Drink lots more water! The Ministry for Climate Change has recommended that everyone in Britain should double their daily intake of water from 2.5 litres to 5 litres to set an example to the rest of the world.    The Minister is convinced that this is the best way to save the planet from getting very wet around the ankles. What interesting weather we're having! If it's not one thing, it's another. Instead of chaos due to unexpected snow and ice, the south of the country is socked in with freezing fog, which is held in place by warm air approaching from the south-west. Still, it wouldn't be the Xmas period if people weren't stranded for one reason or another. And freezing fog makes a bit of a change from snow.

CRIME NEWS Street protest? A 14-year-old boy, who was part of a gang of teenagers in Ohio, who were passing time by bombarding cars with eggs, caught some instant justice, American style, at the beginning of the month. The occupants of an egged SUV shot him.    "Here's one back at you, kid!" Burying bad news or sheer coincidence? smug bugger was questioned by the police about his part in selling honours in exchange for cash for corrupt blair labour on the very day the £3.7 million Steven report was issued on Princess Diana's car crash. Spit the bones out of that!    The latest conspiracy theory is that the labour party was behind the crash because mrs. smug bugger's personal astrologer told her that the wheels would come off the cash for honours scam in 2006, and her husband would need some big news under which to bury the embarrassment of being the only British prime minister ever to be questioned by the phuzz. Also buried were:  • The government will close 2,500 post offices through neglect of this essential public service;  • The Serious Fraud Office has been ordered to drop a pointless investigation into BAe Systems' slush fund to protect British jobs and Saudi orders for Eurofighters.  • corrupt blair labour wants to give convicts in gaol the vote;  • There will be new runways at Stansted & Heathrow to increase Skyway Robbery Tax revenues. Questioned earlier:  • The latest face in the frame of the cash-for-honours police investigation is the Scottish vampire himself. mr. broon is under examination over his role in bumping a corrupt blair labour donor up to a knighthood when the officials in charge of the process thought the donor to corrupt blair labour deserved less. Insiders are taking the denial that he issued as proof positive that he knew exactly what was going on even if he is now pretending that he was somewhere else at the time. Memo to Scotland Yard's Fraud Squad: If you want to interview smug bugger again, he's hiding in Saddam Hussein's bunker in Iraq. Or if he's not there, he's sneaked off for another freebie holiday in Florida. Spit the bones out of this! The Ipswich Constabulary is hunting an unofficial existence terminator, who is preying on female leisure services operatives, who are driven onto the streets in search of cash to give to their unofficial leisure pharmaceuticals outlets. Warning! People living in and around Ipswich should be aware that the police are arresting people more or less at random until they get a lead on the Suffolk Strangler. Conspiracy Theory Why hasn't corrupt blair labour built any gaols? Because antonio b. liar told them not to so there will be no room in the prison system for him when he is finally convicted of corruption, so all he'll get is a community sentence and the community he'll choose is the lecture circuit in the United States. This woman wants locking up! Mrs. Justice Black has ordered a gang of deported bogus asylum seekers to be brought back to Britain so that they can be paid compensation for 'a potential breach of their human rights'. The ruling will waste tens on thousands of pounds of taxpayers' cash, but that's not likely to bother the judge unduly. Wasting police time Officers of the Gloucestershire and Cheshire police spent 3 months tracking down a man who picked some rowan berries on what he thought was common land beside a canal in Macclesfield. He was then interviewed at his local police station by the Gloucestershire police and formally cautioned.    A spokesman for the force said: "It is worth bearing in mind that events that may seem insignificant can have a very significant impact on the injured parties involved and that they may have more to them than it appears at first."    The response from the BlackFlag News reporter was: "If you believe that crap applies to this case, you're not fit to be a police officer. And if the reverse is true, you should arrest yourself for aiding and abetting stupidity."    The British Army in Basra has taken to 'culling' their local police and blowing up 'rogue' police stations. It looks like there's at least one police station in Macclesfield, and another in Gloucestershire, in need of the army's urgent attention.

DEPARTURES Jack Williamson The last of the American 'pulp' science fiction magazine authors has died at 98. His writing career began at the age of 20 with a sale to Amazing Stories, and he was still winning Nebula and Hugo awards at the age of 93. He became a master of the space opera, e.g. his novel The Cometeers (1936), the blurb of which begins: "Out of a dark corner of the Solar system came The Cometeers, a fierce, inhuman race armed with a spaceship twelve million miles long. Their mission – to capture and control the Universe."    After service with the US Army Air Force during World War Two, Jack Williamson got himself an education up to a PhD on the early work of H.G. Wells, and became a teacher of linguistics, the modern novel and literary criticism. He continued to write fiction and win prizes, and he is credited with inventing the word 'terraform'.    Mr. Williamson also claims that he was the first to come up with the concepts of anti-matter; the science behind Seetee Shock (1949) and Seetee Ship, (1951); in vitro fertilization and organ transplantation. He was also a pioneer of works on the concept of artificial intelligence. DEPARTURES The Chinese Dragon Showing a high degree of mealy mouthed political correctness, the Chinese government is intent on abolishing its national symbol 'because it suggests an aggressive nation'. Except, no one is fooled by the gesture because they're a bunch of commies and aggression and riding rough-shod over everyone, their own people included, is what commies do! The Ministry of Culture is now looking for ways to subdue a majority of 93% in favour of the dragon, which is the score logged on a website which ran a poll. The Chinese leadership would prefer a cuddly panda instead, the bunch of bloody hypocrites, to soften their image ahead of the 2008 Olympic Games. DEPARTURES Joseph Barbera The surviving partner of the team which created the 20th Century's most enduring cartoon films had died at 95. Both he and William Hanna became animators to earn a crust. They met at MGM's studios in the 1930s and when MGM closed their animation department in 1957, they launched Hanna-Barbera and created their own legend. Their creations included Tom and Jerry (which won 7 Academy Awards), Yogi Bear, The Flintstones, Top Cat, Hong Kong Phooey and a host of others.

DEPARTURES Sapurmurat Niyazov a.k.a. Turkmenbashi One of the world's more ludicrous dictators has popped his clogs at 66. A product of the Soviet communist system, he went in for a state-sponsored cult of personality while pretending to find it all very embarrassing but he had to go along with the wishes of the people. His achievements including maintaining a natural gas-rich country in a state of poverty; having all of his political opponents declared criminals; and banning opera, ballet, long hair for men, beards, pictures of him with his dyed black hair in its natural grey and gold teeth for young people.    He wasted the nation's wealth on a gold-plated statue of himself, which rotated to keep it facing toward the sun, universal giant billboards plastered with his picture, a vast palace out ice out in the desert, a zoo in the desert, and the usual corrupt communist system of patronage. He inflicted the Ruhnama (a vapid volume of 'poetry') on his people, and being able to quote passages from it by heart became a qualification for a job.    Other contributions to the 'golden age' which he inflicted on his subjects included putting his ugly mug on vodka bottles, watch faces, carpets, and his own-brand perfume; renaming streets and months of the year after himself and members of his family; and closing all hospitals other than those in Ashgabat, Turkmenistan's capital city.    His final bequest to his long-suffering nation was a ban on New Year celebrations issued by his temporary successor. During the official period of mourning, there will be no public music in Turkmenistan, children will not be permitted to play outdoors, and anyone who dares to laugh in a public place will become the prey of the secret police.

DOSH NEWS No surprise, they cocked things up The Royal Mail's new Pricing for Profit & Confusion scheme has doubled the waiting time in post offices and created a lot more disgruntled customers.    Worse, counter staff are getting the postage rate wrong 20% of the time. Cynics are convinced that this is happening deliberately and customers are being undercharged as a matter of policy so that the recipient of the item of mail can be ripped off with postage due charges. Why do hospitals insist on banning mobile phones? People see doctors and members of staff use them, and wonder why they can't do the same. If they challenge the ban, they are fobbed off with double talk. But a leaked Department of Health has revealed the real reason for the ban.    Most NHS hospitals have signed up with a private bedside phone provider, which charges up to 75p per minute. So the Hospital Trust doesn't want customers and visitors eating into their profits by using a mobile phone. Hence the blanket bans, even when there is no clinical reason for them.    Note: The British Medical Journal has described the risk to patients from mobile phones as 'mythical'. The new holiday destination – a timeshare gaol! Home Sec. john reid is so desperate to solve the prison problem that he is going public. The Chancellor, scotch gordon broon, has refused to divert cash to build new prisons so reid is asking the public to help out.    His extraordinary move follows a deal with the Treasury, under which g. broon agreed to have more prisons as long as he didn't have to find the cash to pay for them. So reid has come up with a 'buy to let' plan, under which members of the public will pay for cells in a new prison and rent them to the Home Office.    And for the benefit of those people who think the life of a convict has become too cushy under corrupt blair labour, the owners of unoccupied cells will be able to use them for a holiday break, or offer them as time-shares to people who want to enjoy the prison experience!    Only under corrupt blair labour . . . Green Politics? Humbug! corrupt blair labour is planning to charge householders who live in a conservation area an extra £600 Council Tax. So expect this corrupt government to start creating conservation areas right, left & centre in the new year! And a rash of planning permissions for building in green belts. No wonder their profits are so huge! It costs a bank £4.50 to bounce a cheque. But the bastards charge their customers £30. Legalized robbery, or what! A new fiver? Forget it! Whare are all the new £5 notes and why are the ones in circulation so tatty. Because retailers hang on to them to make sure they're available for change and the grotty ones are weeded out less often. Banks are also blamed for reducing the number in circulation by not putting them in cash dispensers.

HOME NEWS Xmas is back on? Local councils up and down the country have found themselves in trouble with the Moslem community for banning Xmas, or renaming it as something else, allegedly to avoid giving offence to non-Christians. The Moslems are worried that if the councils get away with it with Christians, they will be next! A perk or a necessity? The BBC's defecting chairman, Michael Grade, has included a pocket Geiger counter in his signing-on package at ITV. "Just in case," as spokesman for the organization said. "Mr. Grade will not be visiting any sushi parlours in the near future," she added. This will make him croak! On an upcoming issue of the TV show Room 101 Nigel Havers discusses with host Paul Merton the best way to poison Ken Livingstone. They are reported to have settled on mercury but we think sodium pentothal would be a better choice – make the bastard choke on the truth! Cause & Effect? scotch gordy broon has handed out targets to the public services at an average rate of 1 per day for the last 9 years. Could that have anything to do with 500 British people per day deciding to emigrate? Why does this come as no surprise? Britain's border controls are so non-existent under corrupt blair labour that male murder suspects can leave the country wearing a veil and using a borrowed or stolen female passport. The Home Office has no plans to plug the gap in the immediate future. Aspiration, Aspiration, Aspiration When he is finally evicted from Downing Street, our present temporary prime minister says he would like a 'real' job to do. Being a convict in one of Her Majesty's prisons, serving a sentence for selling honours, would fit the job description. Britain bites back! A survey by the trade magazine Caterer & Hotelkeeper has found that people are much more likely to complain about poor food and sloppy service in the 21st Century. The reason why our stroppiness gene is coming to the fore is unclear. A spokesman for the magazine suggested that either we are losing our traditional reserve or there is just more to complain about 10 years on from the last survey. Festive season surprise! Boxing Day morning, Dumfries. The residents of this Scottish town were lucky enough to experience in safety, one of the two or three earthquakes which can be felt in Britain every year. This one reached 3.5 on the Richter scale.    Survivors of the Great Romiley Earthquakes of 1984 and 2002 offer the people of Dumfries a cordial welcome to the club. The labour party is losing members at the rate of one every 20 minutes, and it will become extinct in 2013.

ROMILEY NEWS A stormy start to the month The gales on the first evening of the month were strong enough to blow power lines close enough to cause flash-overs and 2-second power cuts. Digital TV boxes in Romiley kept re-booting and it wasn't a good time to be using a computer other than one with an uninterruptable power supply or a laptop running on an internal battery. Somerfield is run by crazy people! Go in the supermarket in the centre of the village for cherry cake, Heinz Mexican or Sweet Chilli Mean Beanz, black treacle and a host of other essentials, and you won't find them for 2 reasons. Firstly, everything has been bloody shifted around to confuse the customers. And secondly, some clown at head office has decided to stop selling scores of things, probably 'for the convenience of our customers'. Crazy! Dept. of Public Safety The Home Office has warned Romiley residents to stay at home over the Xmas/New Year period as the streets will be full of violent drunks, who will be taking advantage of corrupt blair labour's 24-hour binge drinking culture. Home Sec. john 'i'm tougher than scotch gordon' reid issued the warning after cancelling the customary ration of extra cash for the police, which should have been used to fund additional street patrols over the holiday season.

SCAM NEWS Surprise! Consumer organizations in the US and France have examined a wide range of anti-wrinkle products and come to the unshocking conclusion that all they do is make the customer's dosh disappear. The top-rated creams produce an effect which is barely visible to the naked eye, and the users would be better advised to stay out of the sun and use high protection factor sun shields. Depriving them off the opportunity for abuse! corrupt blair labour is seething with fury over a recommendation that donations to political parties be capped at £50K, which won't buy much of an honour. A scam to watch out for Greater Manchester Police and Trading Standards have issued a warning about a scam operated by PDS (Parcel Delivery Service). A representative of the company puts a card through your letterbox telling you they were unable to deliver a parcel and asking you to ring 0306 661 1911 to book a delivery appointment.    This is a premium rate number and should not be called under any circumstances. Anyone foolish enough to do so hears a recorded message saying they have already been done for fifteen quid. What took them so long? Former Irish president Charlie Ochaye is in line for nomination as Europe's most corrupt politician. He croaked earlier this year, conveniently before the end of a 9-year investigation, which showed that he had taken £7 million in bungs and outright theft. He was aided in his personal wealth accumulation plan by Bertie the Accountant, the current Irish teashop, who used to give his pal Charlie blank, signed cheques to facilitate his raids on public funds. It is not thought to be likely that Mr. Ochaye's estate will be required to return feloniously acquired assets. Here's one to look out for Local councils up and down the country are standing by to slap £1,000 fines on anyone who puts Xmas wrapping paper, gift tags and other Xmassy paraphernalia in the paper recycling container instead of the black bag/bin for general refuse.    The greediest councils, and we all know who they are, plan us the fines to recoup the cost of hiring extra recycling bag checkers in the wake of the holiday season, and to generate a handsome profit. So watch out for 'rogue' checkers who try to do the boss a favour by seeding recycling containers with a dressing of festive remains.

SPACE NEWS Discovery off into space again NASA is feeling a bit more comfortable about launching its space shuttles. As a result, the agency showed its new confidence by launching Discovery to the International Space Station at night, when it is not exactly easy to monitor it for damaging bits of foam falling off the external fuel tank. The launch went off after a token delay of a couple of days for bad weather.    This month's mission includes a British astronaut, and it carries another big chunk to add to the ISS. When it is in place, the astronauts will also be performing space walks to complete a rewiring job on the new solar arrays.

SPORTS NEWS Costing the Earth – and it probably will! The security bill for the 2012 Olympics started at £190 million, it is now £542 million and it has to go up further because a lot of significant elements of cost were excluded from the initial guess to keep the overall price of the event down in order not to alarm the taxpayer unduly.    Olympic Park in East London is an industrial site full of hazardous waste, including buried radioactive material, and it is highly likely that there are unexploded German bombs left over from World War II, which will make the pile-driving very interesting! Dealing with these hazards wasn't included in the initial guess, either.    – source: Jack Lemley, who resigned as head of the Olympic Delivery Authority in October 2006 when he found out the true shiftiness level of the politicians 'in charge' of the Games.

WAR NEWS Legal, decent & honest? Under the Afghani Taliban's code of conduct, jihadistas may not use office equipment for personal ends; and that means not taking home assault rifles and RPS as well as pens and paperclips.    Further, suspected spies must have a fair trial before they are killed, and it's against the rules to start cutting someone's head off before the trial is over. It's all about the money! The current bounty on the head of Osama bin Liner is $25 million. Senator Bob Nelson has suggested raising it by $1 million per week until someone betrays him. Sen. Nelson reckons about $35-40 million should get the job done. tony b. liar says he called off the SFO inquiry into BAe Systems' slush fund on national security grounds. It's probably the only sensible thing he's done, and the only thing for the benefit of the country, during 9 years of lies & sleaze, but he won't get any credit for it because he has no credibility left because of all the lies & sleaze! Foreign Office staff are now protesting that they warned the United States repeatedly that Saddam Hussein wasn't a threat and removing him would mean chaos in Iraq. But would Bush 'n' bliar listen? john scarlett, who claimed authorishp of alastair campbell's dodgy dossier on Iraq's imaginary Weapons of Mass Destruction, has copped for a KCMG in addition to the top job at MI6 as a further reward for his services to our present temporary prime minister. Saddam Hussein is history The former World's Favourite Despot kept his appointment with the hangman as his reward for mass murder. The prosecutors are now turning their attention to his fellow conspirators in the 2003 Iraq war – Dubya Bush and his pal 'Yo, Blair!'

WORLD NEWS Don't commit yourself! Everyone knows that Israel has had nuclear weapons of mass destruction for decades, thanks to the generosity of the United States. But when their PM slips up and admits it, the hypocrites in the opposition parties start yelling, "Resign!" Which says rather a lot about their idleness and uselessness if they can't get him for something better.    [Except, Israel now stands to lose a couple of billion bucks in aid from the US, which can be paid only if Israel doesn't actually admit having any nukes. Ed.]    [Yeah, like that's going to happen! The Author]. German sense of proportion still absent The Rossmann chain of shops in Germany has been obliged to withdraw its supply of wooden miniature Santas Clauses and destroy them. Why? Because the figures are holding a sack in the left hand and pointing up to the sky with the right hand.    "What's wrong with that?" we hear you ask.    Well, miserable gits have been complaining that the figures look like they are giving a Nazi salute, which is banned in Germany, and the chain felt obliged to dispose of the figures to prevent another invasion of Poland over the Xmas period.    p.s. We didn't make this up. Honest! An opportunity going begging! What's the biggest cash crop in the United States? Wheat? Corn on the cob? Tobacco? A variety of beans?    No, it's none of the above. Despite the best efforts of the DEA, marijuana production dwarfs everything else.    Even so, the revisionist tendencies at the White House are refusing to legalize it and tax it; even though a tax on cannabis would more than pay for President Bush's foreign wars.    Tougher border controls after 9/11 and a crackdown on smuggling via Mexico have helped to incentivize domestic production of marijuana in the US. Free at last! Alternative historian David Irving has been released from prison after serving just one-third of his 3 year sentence. The Austrian government has denied running out of prison space after letting corrupt blair labour run its prison system as a private contractor. Dr. Irving was gaoled because the Austrian regime does not permit freedom of speech and the freedom to promote weird and unpopular ideas within its borders. Corruption is catching Smug Bugger's problems with Scotland Yard seem to have set a trend. The French police have been questioning their prime minister, M. Villepin, over his faction's attempts to sleaze a presidential hopeful in his own party. Someone shopped M. Sarkozy for keeping bribes in a Luxembourg bank account. But an investigation showed that the account didn't exist. Which is why the police are taking a very close interest in the Villepin faction of the French government.

New on the Romiley Literary Circle website Now available to be read online as well as downloaded in zipped PDF format. Read it online on the Romiley Literary Circle website. Download it from the Romiley Literary Circle website. Category : Crime/contemporary fiction. Vintage: late 1980s.

TRAVEL NEWS If you look hard enough, you can find radioactivity anywhere! With half the country cordoned off by police crime scene tape, and most airliners parked somewhere around the world, waiting to be scanned, the travelling public are starting to ask themselves if they are really at risk or are they just victims of scaremongers.    Conspiracy theorists are having a field day. Some think it's all a plot to put off potential migrants from Bulgaria, Romania and other sources of criminal infiltrators. Others see it as a plot to cut down on travelling to meet the EU's meaningless targets on carbon emission reduction.    Yet a third group are convinced that it's all a job creation scheme along the lines of the scam operated by the asbestos clean-up industry. Someone, somewhere, they are convinced, is priming some corrupt politician who will issue highly lucrative contracts for mopping up vanishingly small amounts of radioactivity, which are detectable but which pose no threat to humankind. A real body-ripper! The Hollywood film Turista has put the Brazilian tourist board into a tail-spin. In the film, a group of back-packers are kidnapped so that organ traffickers can take them apart, and the Brazilians are worried that potential tourists won't be able to tell the difference between fact and fiction. The man who stole your holiday money Attention all holidaymakers! If you fly anywhere after January 31st 2007, you will be hit by the latest corrupt blair labour Stealth Tax – even if you have already paid for your ticket. Airport passenger duty will double on February 1st courtesy of scotch gordon broon, who has Black Holes to fill with your cash.    Typically he hasn't thought through the problems which his new Stealth Tax will create – like who will collect it. He seems to expect the airlines to do his dirty work and travellers to check in with a ticket in one hand and a credit card in the other.

	The weather in the first 10 days of this month. Burying a report from the Department of Education on a slump in primary school standards under the pre-budget announcement, which contained TEN recycled promises to plump it up (including 80% of the cash for schools, which was in the March budget). General Sir Mike Jackson, former head of the British Army, who accused corrupt blair labour of neglecting the armed forces after he retired and didn't say a bloody word while he was in charge and able to make a difference. scotch gordon, who doesn't know the difference between investing and spending. General Sir Mike Jackson, former head of the British Army, who stands accused of lying about the readiness of the British Army for war in Iraq, and sending the army there with shameful equipment shortages, which got soldiers killed. Only 3% of the post offices which corrupt blair labour will close are in labour constituencies. 54% are in Liberal territory and 30% in Conservative heartlands. United Utilities has warned a farmer in Cumbria that they'll take him to court if he doesn't pay his water bill within 14 days. The amount of the bill is £0.00! The EU's emissions trading scheme, which will do nothing for saving the planet but which will mean that air travellers pay lots more in unnecessary taxes. The Iraqis not hanging Saddam Hussein 'with respect' turns him into a martyr and makes the situation in Iraq worse. A shithole is still a shithole no matter how deep it is.

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