2006/May    FINAL

Book of the Month: The Picasso Code by L. Gordon Range The conspiracy of the 20th Century uncovered! Conventional historical wisdom would have it that Adolf Hitler's entanglement with his niece, Angela Raubal, ended with her alleged suicide on 1931/09/18. But by then, an affair at a critical time in the future Führer's political career had produced a child, which placed all three lives in danger.    'Geli' was taken to safety in Franco's Spain, where she gave birth to twins, a boy and a girl, in January of 1932. They remained on an estate in Salamanca until Franco's death in 1975, then the extended family, which included spouses and four children, migrated to Venezuela.    Gordon Range's meticulously researched history of Hitler's offspring follows a trail through private diaries and hacked bank records. His book charts the attempts by politicians of many nationalities to deny the existence of "German's First Family" while seeking to exterminate it, and the sacrifices of Hitler's loyal friends and servants, who still live in hope with a flawed dream. Vintage : 2006 Category: Contemporary history.

TRAVEL NEWS New spectacle in the skies An Airbus 380 whispered into London's Heathrow airport on the 3rd Thursday of the month, impressing the hell out of a vast gang of spectators. Assembled from bits made all over Europe, including British wings, the monster can carry 550 passengers in various levels of comfort. It also has room for a gym, shops and other leisure facilities for those who can afford them. "Not us, Gov!" Five passengers on every BA flight can expect to lose their luggage. [Which sounds like an excellent argument for flying on an A380 with a couple of thousand others rather than a standard airliner with a couple of hundred people. Ed.] The corresponding score is 7 for Lufthansa & Iberia, and a matching 5 for Air France. BA claim that the bags are only mislaid due to cock-ups in airport baggage handling systems and that most people get them back within 48 hours. Gone & largely forgotten Over 8,000 troops have gone AWoL since the Iraq war in 2003. The best part of a thousand of them have never been traced and have, effectively, deserted.

HEALTH NEWS Solar flip-flop Stay out of the sun or you will get skin cancer and die, the medical profession has been saying for years. Now, they have a new message – Stay out of the sun and your body won't make vitamin D, so you'll get cancer, osteoporosis, arthritis and schizophrenia!

DEPARTURES Freddie Garrity The diminutive, manic, athletic, much bespectacled front man of Freddie & the Dreamers has died at 69. His band was a rival to the flood from Merseyside in the 1960s and Freddie was an archetypal geek before the term became universal. He also appeared in musical films, short features, cabaret, pantomime and TV shows. Freddie disbanded the Dreamers in 1969 after success on both sides of the Atlantic. He reformed the band in 1976 and they continued to tour until 2001, when ill-health forced him into retirement.

DROUGHT NEWS Thames Water breathes again As drainage has never been one of Stockport Council's strengths, especially in Romiley, it has decided to give up the struggle and turn a vice into a virtue. Under the terms of the council's new Water Reservation Order parts of the village will be allowed to remain permanently flooded, and the water will be piped south and sold in drought areas during the summer.    A pilot project in the park at the junction of Sandy Lane and Compstall Road [above] is already achieving promising results. The master plan involves the creation of a large number of mini-reservoirs in low-lying areas of Romiley and the surrounding area, and a piping/pumping system which will feed their contents to a central feeder station.    If the project produces serious money, it could be extended to include street sites in areas which the council considers unimportant, such as Romiley. A test reservoir of the sort envisaged is shown below. No more fun until it rains & rains! The clowns of Zippo's Circus won't be chucking buckets of water around at shows in Surrey this year. Sutton & East Surrey Water has banned such jolly fun under its drought regulations.    p.s. This won't be the wettest May on record, as hysterical headlines shrieked during the last week of the month. "Ludicrous!" commented the Sunday Telegraph's weatherman. Apparently, 1773 has got us way beat.

ROMILEY NEWS A really late spring Romiley is normally a riot of colour in spring as the bulbs come out. But not this year. All we've had at the BlackFlag News offices is 4 daffodils (not shown as they're past their best) and this solitary red tulip.    The poppies and peonies are still hanging fire, and so are the bluebells. What we have a lot of, however, is dandelions, some tiny white flowers, which are probably weeds, and some tiny blue ones, which are probably also weeds but decorative enough to be permitted to survive. Romiley goes a bit blue In the local election held to pick a new councillor for the Bredbury Green & Romiley ward, the Trivial Democrat has been replaced by Conservative Councillor Syd Lloyd, a real Romiley resident. The ward's other 2 Triv-Dems, who also notoriously sat on their hands while the council was trying to close Romiley's school, remain in place. Romiley goes a bit bluer The bluebells, and also the whitebells, have struggled out at long last. And given the state of the weather recently, no one can blame them for not being in too much of a rush to show themselves. Trivial-Democrats? Useless swindlers would be more accurate Romiley's rate of Council Tax is excessive, and this year's increase was 0.01% below the capping limit of 5%, but still the Triv-Dems running Stockport council can't make the books balance. So instead of opting for responsible financial management instead of the present policy of mindless waste, they would rather sack half the dustmen and give us fortnightly collections instead of weekly ones.    Trivial-Democrats – giving you less for more money. Safe Stockport? That's a joke! Figures released by the think-tank Reform show that Stockport has the highest rate of Burglary in England & Wales, and it's the 4th worst place for Robberies. In the combined rankings for Robbery, Assault, Gun Crime, Burglary, Rape & Murder, Stockport is the 3rd worst place to live behind Nottingham and Leeds. And yet the council keeps cutting spending on schemes which support the police.

CRIMINAL NEWS No hiding place The police investigation into the labour policy of trading honours for cash and/or loans has been extended to an attempt to relieve a case of constituency-blocking. The labour turned independent MP for Blaenau Gwent was offered a chance to sneak off to the House of Lords before last year's general election (which he didn't accept) to give labour a shot at winning the seat back. peter hain, minister for digging up cricket pitches, has been named in the Commons as the middle-man who tried to buy off the late independent MP for Blaenau Gwent with a peerage. More police overtime In addition to having to investigate labour party corruption, police forces around the country are racking up lots of overtime investigation vote-rigging. Birmingham is the world leader in organizing bogus postal votes with London following hot in its footsteps. labour sleaze latest It is rumoured that the Scotland Yard team looking into new labour's peerages for loans, etc., scandal has extended the investigation to include new charges that new labour offered peerages to the IRA in exchange for guns and explosives.    Prediction : No one will be blamed and no one will be charged. Stating the bleedin' obvious . . . The people who put criminals in the community don't need better guidance, they need their heads banged together until it knocks some sense into them. The same applies to a lot of dotty old judges. Oh, how embarrassing! If anyone wants to know what some of Britain's gang of illegal immigrants are doing to earn a crust – five of them were caught working as cleaners in the computer section of the Immigration & Nationality Directorate at the Home Office. The new home sec., john 'bruiser' reid, blustered about it a bit but had nothing sensible to add to his government's failure to exclude undesirables. john reid is doing a comprehensive "Not me, Gov!" while admitting that 8 years of new labour political interference and mismanagement have turned the Home Office into a disaster area, which is now well beyond new labour's limited capacity to return to sound working order. He has no solution to this problem other than to hope that the Tories get back in so that it will become their problem. The government rigs statistics? Yes, it's true! A recent MORI poll found that 80% of British people think that official statistics are rigged to make new labour look good. Those emerging from gordon brown's Treasury are particularly untrustworthy. Now, the Statistics Commission, the government's own numerical watchdog, has confirmed that the voters are right to be suspicious. Ministers do decide what their department's statistics will 'prove', and new labour has no plans to insert honesty into its fudged figures. new labour target culture strikes again The police have stopped calling the Immigration service when they come across illegals. Why? Because the IND ignores their calls. Why? Because they have a political target to meet for deporting failed asylum seekers and they don't want to know about other types of illegal immigrant. Not a brain between them! The Home Office is putting foreign criminals, who are scheduled for deportation, into open prisons. And then looking surprised when the criminal does a runner. 8,000 prisoners have walked out of open prisons since new labour took over in 1997, and 2,000 have never been traced. Never a copper when you need one? Here's why! Dismantling Brian Haw's 120-foot collection of protest banners in Parliament Square against the Iraq War, etc., cost the taxpayer £7,200 (including tea breaks) and 78 officers of the Metropolitan Police were needed for the job. sir ian blair (no relation) was the architect of the overkill. It would appear that new labour's favourite copper has now lost all touch with reality, like his namesake. sir ian blair (no relation) is furious after a leaked email proved that he lied about the true cost of the clean-up operation. His revised figure is £27,754, some £20,000 more than the original price. German court raps cannibal The retrial in Frankfurt of Armin Meiwes, alias the Kassel Cannibal, has resulted in a conviction for murder and a life sentence. Mr. Meiwes was sentenced to 8½ years in gaol for manslaughter in 2004 but the federal prosecutor wanted a murder conviction on his CV. The court duly obliged, sparing the German state the cost of further trials until the German legal bureaucracy got a satisfactory verdict.    Mr. Meiwes will not become eligible for parole before 2016. In case anyone has forgotten, his 'crime' was to consume about 25% of Bernd Brandes, who volunteered to be eaten after meeting Mr. Meiwes on the internet. Mr. Meiwes is now considering his appeal options. Previous reports: Dec 2003 the trial | Jan 2004 German police set up 'Cannibal Division'| Feb 2004 sentence review | Oct 2005 Indian Zoroastrians recruit Meiwes | | Jan 2006 German courts adopt EU referendum swindle |

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT Crooks In Action As a public service, Jenson Farrago is offering access to his collection of bogus lottery, phishing and other email spam. CLICK HERE to find out what miracles they offer.

WHAT ARE THEY UP TO NOW! 'Two Shags' is to blame for 9 years of failure The current temporary PM would like his disgusted customers to believe that the whole new labour project was nothing to do with him. The sleaze and incompetence was all the fault of that prescott bloke, who was acting as a puppet master behind the scenes and pulling the CTPM's strings.    Comment : "If you shuffle a bunch of deadlegs, you still end up with a deadleg doing each of the various jobs. So why would anyone assume brown will do any better than blair?" Sacked : clark from home office, straw from foreign office, hoon from whatever, prescott from ministry for shags, and kelly from education. prescott has come out of it rather well as he's lost all his jobs but kept all his perks including his fancy salary, ministerial car, grace & favour homes, etc. Moved before they can cause too much damage where they are : reid from defence to home office, buckett from wherever to foreign office, johnson (who?). Still there and still screwing things up : brown. Proposition : The labour party is the party of the criminal. Proof : Violent Somali criminals are not deported from Britain because the Home Office thinks their homeland is too dangerous for them. The labour government is prepared to put the safety of worthless criminals before the safety of honest British citizens.    Q.E.D. tony blair would like people to remember 9 good years. Unfortunately, no one is picking any of the years after 1996. "Excuse me, new labour, it's your mess." The labour party continues to blame charles clark's mess at the home office on the Tories but we had immigration and border controls, and a working system of asylum, up to 1997. Then new labour opened up our borders and embraced every dotty ruling on 'human rights' that the European Commission could throw at them. Not that the simple truth is likely to stop new labour from spreading their lies. The No-Blame Game The Intelligence & Security Committee of the House of Commons has found that absolutely no one is to blame for the terrorist atrocities in London last July – certainly not new labour for failing to provide MI 5 with the staff and resources to investigate native Islamic terrorists. In fact, new labour's stooges are so keen to shed every vestige of blame that they seem to have included the 4 Islamic terrorists in their general whitewash job. Our temporary prime monster is claiming that he will rescue public services. But as they need rescuing from him, does that mean he'll do the decent thing and commit suicide? Ignorance and deception The Home Office doesn't have a clue how many illegal aliens and foreign criminals are in the country as an act of deliberate policy and new labour has been forcing the Immigration service to keep its net extra porous to avoid catching embarrassingly too many illegals at our borders. Human Wrongs, now! Our current temporary prime minister practically broke both legs to get Britain signed up to the woolly European Convention on Human Rights. And his wife made a whole lot of dosh out of his decision. Years later, he has suddenly realized that bogus rights have shot massive holes in his vow to be tough on crime and all he's achieved is to put the 'rights' of criminals ahead of public safety. So he's sticking around until 2008 to repair the damage he's cause. Details, folks, details! new labour would like as many women as possible to have home births. And if there aren't enough midwives to go round, tough! Another failed gimmick The current temporary prime minister had the Big Idea of creating peoples' peers six years ago. But all he did was add to the list of lords, a bunch of people who hardly every go to the House of Lords, rarely (if ever) speak there and don't bother voting. This typical new labour idea was intended to bring fresh, new talent to the Lords. But the people appointed are either too busy earning a living to go to the House, or they can't afford it. Like the rest of new labour, this Big Idea also turned out to be all flash and no substance. Want some taxpayers' cash? No problem! Balfour Beaty & Network Rail were fined £13.5 million for the negligence which led to the Hatfield rail crash in October 2000. But new labour has given them £21 million of taxpayers' cash to cover their legal bills. Leave the old sod out to grass Old 2 Shags has been getting a lot of stick for playing croquet while 1. he was supposed to be running the country during our CTPM's trip to the USA to shore up Pres. Bush and 2. he's supposed to be a flag-bearer of everything coarse and working class and distinctly un-posh. But is this entirely fair? On Count 2 of the indictment, he's a hypocrite. But hey! He's a new labour politician and it goes with the territory. And on Count 1, surely the British nation is safer while 2 Shags is pottering about on a croquet lawn instead of blundering about, trying to do something. Like drowning the South of England in concrete or destroying a nature reserve or two. After his trip to see Dubya Bush, our CTPM is off on another freebie holiday in Italy with air travel at the taxpayer's expense.    Al Qaida suicide bombers please note!

HOME NEWS "UFOs? It's all an optical delusion, mate." After a secret study performed between 1996 and 2000, the Defence Intelligence Staff have explained 'flying saucer' sightings. They are, in fact, streaks of bright plasma formed by electrical discharges in the atmosphere. They can be moulded by winds into streamlined shapes and they can appear to hover, move at incredible speeds and change direction abruptly because they are just lumps of ionized gas with very little mass. So now you know! What a bunch of effin' jobsworths! The Football Association refused to provide new cup final tickets for 1,600 Liverpool fans, whose tickets were stolen from a Royal Mail van. The FA chose leaving these seats empty over taking the trouble to check tickets on the day and pass the replacements while excluding the stolen originals. Criminals CAN profit from their crimes in Britain new labour's Welcome To All policy means that even dangerous criminals, who hijack airliners, can get apologies for being locked up (if they get a judge as nice as Mr. Justice Sullivan), free accommodation for life, lots of money and anonymity. Dangerous criminals can also be released from gaol to kill innocent people if the probation service gets worried about violating their human rights, which take priority over the human rights of their victims. The human rights industry would also like pregnant visa-overstayers who need a heart transplant to be given priority over British citizens on the list.    [The way things are going, someone is going to have to establish that British citizens have a human right to carry a gun to defend themselves against the bone-headedness of this government and the human rights industry. Ed] You scratch my back . . . The police have dropped their investigation of Two Shags' dodgy doings in office as a favour to new labour. In return, sir ian blair (no relation) expects everyone to stop asking awkward questions about his motor-mouth episode after the extermination last year of a Brazilian who was wrongly identified as a terrorist suspect. More shredders on overtime The dunderheids at the Driver & Vehicle Licensing Agency are shredding the records of speeders, drunk drivers and other motoring criminals when they are no longer recorded on the criminal's licence and depriving the courts of a proper history when the criminals appear before them again. Why? Some jobsworth was worried about breaching the criminals' human rights. No wonder people call them Trivial Democrats! East Herts council decided to sack their tea lady and make staff at the council offices do their own brewing up. Then the Triv-Dem controlled council spent hundreds of pounds on calling in consultants, who created a 17-page collection of helpful tips on how to have a safe tea-break. No conscience, no decency cherie blair is in trouble for autographing, along with new labour spin doctor alastair campbell, a copy of the Hutton Report**, which was flogged off at a new labour fund-raising do. "Incredibly insensitive and in serious bad taste," was how a labour MP described this latest piece of crassness.    **Lord Hutton's report pours whitewash over the events surrounding the death of Iraq weapons expert Dr. David Kelly, who was driven to suicide by new labour and its spin doctors for exposing the dodginess of the government's dossiers on Iraq's (non-existent) Weapons of Mass Destruction. Dodgy builders in Scotland? Remember that loose cosmetic roof beam which started swinging around in the Scottish Parliament building in March? Well, they've spent £400,000 on it but the useless buggers still haven't fixed it yet.

The Man Who Stole Your Pension The man who is taking £7.3 billion per year out of private pensions can look forward to a personal pension of £100K per year – adjusted upward for inflation when he finally leaves us in peace. To get the same pension in the private sector, he'd need a pension pot of £3 million, which would be taxed at 55%.

DOSH NEWS "Another £1,064,000,000 wasted, Prime Minister?" new labour's decision to arrest, detain and then release General Pinochet of Chile for cheap, party political reasons cost the country £4 million (most of which went to lawyers) in direct costs. We also lost out on trade with Chile to the tune of £60 million and a £1 billion order for ships was cancelled. Means-testing mania Half of all pensioners are entitled to claim the pension credit but they have to undergo a means test to get it. The system is a positive disincentive to saving, and anyone applying for the credit has to fill in a lengthy, over-complicated form, which is intended to put pensioners off making a claim. The form is the creation of gordon brown, the present chancellor, who has established himself as a major road block to pension reform through his worst character flaw – a compulsion to perform mean-spirited micro-management. Not such a good deal at Barclays The Chief Executive Officer, the Financial Director and the Deputy Chairman of Barclays bank have all got themselves better mortgage deals at rival banks. Nothing like having confidence in your own company's products! Two Shags prescott will be liable for a tax bill of £366,000 per year on his grace & favour, taxpayer-funded homes if he's no longer doing a proper job but retaining his ministerial perks. The same applies to ousted home sec. dave blunk, clark's predecessor. Missed hospital appointments are costing the NHS hundreds of millions of pounds every year. In fact, the amount wasted in the last year adds up to the size of the current NHS deficit. The government vowed to do something about it last year. As a result of new labour's efforts, the situation has got worse. gordon brown to be surcharged for financial incompetence Building on the example made of former Westminster council leader Dame Shirley Porter, gordon brown is to be taken to task for selling off half of Britain's gold reserves almost as soon as he was through the door of 11, Downing Street. He sold the gold at $375 per troy ounce after announcing what he was doing ahead of the sale to drive the price down. The price of gold is now $726 per troy ounce. So that means the useless bugger will be surcharged $3 billion. Slackers hit in the pocket Police forces up and down the country are refusing to publish wanted posters for foreign criminals on the run in case they violate the criminal's human right to privacy. As a consequence, a review board of taxpayers is recommending a 30% cut in the pay of all members of the Association of Chief Police Officers until they comply with the general public's human right to get value for taxes paid. Don't care, won't care The Law Society faces a fine of £250,000 for failing to give any teeth to its complaints system. For years and years, the Society has failed to take complaints against rogue solicitors seriously. But the industry regulator hopes that a large fine will deliver both a behaviour-changing jolt and a severe warning to do better, or even something, in future. A nice racket for BT companies which have a telephone system, which lets their employees dial in and make international calls on the firm, are having their access code cracked by criminals, who run up giant bills. The company then finds that BT says paying the bill is their problem and their insurance company has a get-out clause against electronic crime. And if the company is foolish enough as to go to the police, they say there's nothing they can do because BT wants £1,500 to release the phone records needed to track down the criminals, and the police 'service' concerned can't afford it. Won't work, must sue Having paid a fortune in tuition fees, students are starting to blame their universities, rather than themselves, if they fail to get a 2.1 degree or better. Universities are now bracing themselves for the first test case in the courts – failed student uses ambulance-chasing, 'no win, no fee' lawyer to sue for compensation.

WORLD NEWS Still at it In case you were wondering what the IRA are up to – the Spanish police have arrested a couple of them with a gang which was smuggling tobacco from low-tax Spain to high-tax Britain. Effin' jobsworths rapped by EU The European Commission has dropped a court action against new labour. 5 years ago, the EC got tough(ish) over the new labour policy of letting the Customs Dept. seize vehicles and goods belonging to travellers who exceeded arbitrary, and illegal, limits on tobacco and booze. The EC is now satisfied that it has forced new labour 'into changing this ridiculous policy'. Some governments can do it Australia has got rid of a British immigrant, who turned out to be a serial sex offender. They put up with him for 30 years then revoked his residence visa, making him an illegal immigrant and liable for deportation to the UK. new labour take note, you useless bunch of sods. If you're going to Florida, watch out for alligators The state's million or so alligators are usually very well behaved and a fatal attack on a human being occurs only once every three years on average. So if 3 people have been killed in the first half of this month, it would appear that Florida's alligators have developed a severe case of the hump and they are to be avoided at all costs! Homo Mistakus? The discovery of a 'new species' of human, the Indonesian hobbit, has been dismissed as unfounded and a load of hype. The metre-tall skeletons found on Flores island in 2003 belonged to modern humans with a genetic defect, which produces a small brain, skull and skeleton. The archaeologists who found the bones are not impressed by the counterblast from Chicago. The Indonesian government is not helping to settle the controversy – it has banned further archaeological digs on Flores for no apparent reason. No 'arm in it! An armless man has been busted for dangerous driving and speeding in New Zealand. He was caught driving with one foot on the pedals and the other on the steering wheel. Colin Smith was born without arms but he didn't think that should stop him driving without a licence. Another mad motorist The Forces of Evil Schumacher was shunted to the back of the grid of this month's Monaco Grand Prix for cheating. He parked his car at the final corner toward the end of qualifying to make sure that no one could better his pole position time. To the surprise of everyone, the stewards actually did something about this further disgraceful display of Schumacher's sporting values. The man who cheated Damon Hill out of a world championship in 1994, and tried to do the same to Jacques Villeneuve 3 years later, is lucky still to be in Formula 1 but totally unrepentant. Naked on top of the world A sherpa has upset his nation's Buddhists by stripping off at the top of Mount Everest. Nepalese Buddhists think the mountain is a goddess. The organizers of the climb are not impressed by their views and they plan to submit the sherpa's claim to fame to the Guinness Book of Records. They should know! Our present temporary prime minister is known as Lo Scroccone (The Scrounger) to the meeja in Italy, where he likes to take his freebie holidays. Good trick if you can manage it! The Chinese government thinks it can ban smoking during its Olympic Games in 2008. About the only way they'll make that stick is to send the 'Murder The People Army' to Peking with instructions to shoot anyone seen with a fag in their gob. [Not to mention billing the relatives for the bullet. Ed.]

WAR NEWS Non-shooting conflict Senior British officers in Iraq are becoming increasingly worried about unnecessary casualties and deaths of the troops due to the failings of our government. Soldiers on the ground have seen what has happened in the past and they are becoming reluctant to open fire in dangerous situations for fear of falling foul of a witch-hunt by greedy human rights lawyers.    The troops know that their officers would back them but they have no confidence in support from the nation's political leadership, which is encouraging the human rights industry. The Ministry of Defence has been lying about this problem and pretending it doesn't exist, which further erodes confidence it its competence.

CORRECTION • Re this item in last month's bulletin: The labour party would like the present temporary prime minister's missus to replay the £7.7 million she charged it for hairdressing during the 3-week general election campaign in 2005. BlackFlag News acknowledges a decimal point cock-up. The amount to be repaid was, of course, £7.7 billion.

DEPARTURES Val Guest Val Guest, who has died at the grand old age of 94, was, at times, an actor, a songwriter, a writer and adapter of scripts, a journalist, a director and a producer. He directed over 50 films and wrote scripts for even more. His work included films featuring the comedian Will Hay, the cast of Life With The Lyons, and the Crazy Gang; the 1960s classics The Day The Earth Caught Fire and Jigsaw; and Hammer horror films. In the 1970s, he wrote and directed episodes of The Adventurer, The Persuaders and Space 1999 [all still showing on ITV 4]. He also launched the Confessions of series of films.

DEPARTURES Floyd Patterson Olympic gold medalist at middleweight in Helsinki in 1952, he became the youngest ever holder of the world heavyweight boxing championship in 1956 at the age of 21. His firsts also included being the first ever deposed champion to regain the title, which he did in a match with Ingemar Johansson in 1960. His reign was ended by Sonny Liston in 1962. He failed to take the title for a third time from Muhammad Ali in 1965 and his career ended in 1972 when a rematch against Ali was stopped due to eye damage. Floyd Patterson remained involved in sport until ill-health forced his retirement from public life in 1998. He died this month at the age of 71.

DEPARTURES HP Sauce It was dubbed Harold's Preference during the Wilson era, when this nominee for the 'Worst Prime Minister of All Time Award' was trying to make out that he was a man of the people (whom he heartily despised). The brown sauce has been produced in Aston, Birmingham, since 1903 but the firm was sold to a French outfit in 1988 and then it became part of the Heinz empire in 2005. Heinz now plans to close the non-viable Birmingham site and shift production to Elst in Holland.

DEPARTURES Brian Haw from Parliament Square (in due course?) After spending 5 years with his acres of posters, this persistent Iraq War protester is about to be moved on as new labour has finally found a judge willing to see its point of view. Mr. Haw is refusing to budge and his supporters are advising him to get some other dotty old judge to rule that shifting him violates his human rights.

DEPARTURES Smarties containing artificial colours This means that, from next month, the blue ones will be history until someone can supply a safe, natural blue dye. They will be replaced by boring white ones.

NON-DEPARTURES Smug Bugger He thinks it's in the interests of the country for him to stay on to the last gasp. "A leadership contest will paralyze the machinery of government," he claims – as if that would be a bad thing. But as far as the British public is concerned, the less this government does, the better off we are.    "At least the bastard can't start any wars if he's paralyzed!"

	"Deportation is not a problem with our country, it is a problem with the world." – d. milliband, May 2006. John Prescott's furtive shags are all the fault of the Tories – Margaret Thatcher is to blame for abolishing free eyesight tests. Systemic failure – The notion that it's the system at fault, not the bozos who built it and the bozos who run it. new labour's ministerial code – The greater the shambles, the less blame can be attached to the minister responsible for the shambles. Motherhood at 60+. The Home Office thought his native Somalia would be too dangerous for murder suspect Mustaf Jama, which is exactly where he has chosen to hide out. The post-local-election cabinet reshuffle. Our temporary PM's promise to deport all foreign criminals. new labour's bungling and human rights laws have frustrated him. 25% of all drivers are untraceable due to inaccurate details on the DVLA computer and one-third of all the information stored on the computer is wrong. A group of prisoners has received permission from Mr. Justice Longstaff to sue the Home Office for abuse of their human rights. Why? Because they weren't allowed to take drugs in gaol. The government DOESN'T know where thousands of foreign criminals are lurking, so it CAN'T do anything about them. The government DOES know where perpetrators of genocide in Rwanda and other parts of Africa are living at the expense of the British taxpayer but it WON'T do anything about them. That referee in the Arsenal-Barcelona Champions' League final, who let Barcelona get away with all sorts of stuff and failed to book one of their players until well into the 2nd half. "Two-thirds of all Scots want England to win (the World Cup), and I'm certainly one of them." chancellor gordon brown (the man who stole your pension). "I'll f-ing well work 18 hours a day to sort this out," new home sec. john reid said just before he abandoned the struggling Home Office to his minions and swanned off on holiday to France. It would appear that 'holiday hoon' has competition.

This edition of BlackFlag News was compiled in accordance with official 10 Downing Street guidelines on accuracy and veracity.

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