2005/December    FINAL

A recycled Merry Xmas & a Good New Year to all our readers and rotten ones to miserable multiculturalists and all other Xmas denyers. BlackFlag News would like to thank all who contributed to the 2005 issues – and we hope to hear from you again, and your friends, in 2006!

GOOD NEWS! BlackFlag News has been voted "No. 1 for insight" by the WebInfo Survey of 2005. Not so humble thanks to all who voted for us.

BELIEVE IT OR WHAT! Locked up but not censored The historian David Irving, who was enjoying the hospitality of the Austrian regime in Graz prison at the time of writing, was able to indulge in an impromptu book-signing session. Accused of playing down genocide in World War II, and Hitler's knowledge of it, Mr. Irvine was amused to find two of his books, which express his views on these very topics, in the prison library.    The Austrian regime was too embarrassed to comment on the prison staff's decision to let Mr. Irving sign the books and add a cheerful message. Start a forest fire & save the planet! Burning fossil fuels and creating pollution has been found to be good for the planet, according to the Met Office and the NOAA in the United States. Combustion products from factory chimneys and forest fires include fine particulates and aerosols, which migrate to the top of the atmosphere, reflect sunlight and counter the heat-absorbing effect of greenhouse gases. A minor cosmetic change . . . The NatWest bank is using a sneaky scheme to cut down on customer complaints. Some bright spark has decided that if they remove the clocks from branches, the customers won't know how long they've been standing in a queue. Which rather assumes that NatWest thinks its punters are too poor to own a watch or a mobile phone.    p.s. The TSB Bank solved the problem of complaints about queues at its Romiley branch by closing it years ago. Too fat to fly! Air India is threatening to ground massive cabin staff unless they shape up in the next 2 months. The airline has had weight control rules for many years, but it has chosen to implement them now for PR reasons. Air India is currently thriving and it does not wish to be seen by fussy travellers as a 'fat airline'.

CRIMINAL NEWS If you want a successful, hassle-free criminal career . . . . . . go to Nottingham, where PC Coetzee's record-breaking campaign against local criminals has been brought to a shuddering halt by his bosses.    He has been ordered to stop arresting burglars, drug dealers, people who fail to appear in court and other frequenters of a day centre, the management of which felt that he was putting their customers off by forcing them to face the consequences of their actions. new labour chases killers' vote Hoping to win new supporters, the government would like to downgrade most murder charges to a status equivalent to that of a routine speeding case. The plan is to create a mass of lesser charges to give lawyers and the Can't Prosecute Service the thrill of getting involved in American-style plea bargaining. Perks of the Job? The Essex police service has cancelled 5,071 speeding tickets collected by marked and unmarked police vehicles, claiming that every one of the offenders was on 'legitimate duties' at the time. Policing, Policing, Policing People tend to think highly of the Metropolitan Police until they actually have dealings with its coppers. Then their 'red tape and can't do' experience drops the customer's confidence to rock bottom. So the Met has given a deputy assistant commissioner the job of brushing up the focus a bit. For which he's being paid £110K. Dumb hiding place! A South African thief took a seriously wrong turn when he mugged someone at the zoo at Bloemfontein. He tried to hide in the tiger enclosure and ended up a chewed corpse. A spokesman for the zoo said that the tigers would not be exterminated for manslaughter as their victim was the agent of his own misfortune. Another Dodgy Dossier on the way Metropolitan Police Commissioner Ian (no relation) Blair is so new labour that he's compiling a dossier of his 'achievements' during his first year of office. And in keeping with new labour tradition, Mr. (no relation) Blair is having all the nastiness left out – like all the garbage he spun after his officers executed a Brazilian visa-overstayer on the Tube. Merger with a hidden agenda Amalgamating the 43 police forces in England and Wales into a handful of super-forces will cost £650 million, of which the Home Office is offering just £120 million.    Which means that the remaining £530 million is going to have to come from one of 3 sources:  •  Thin Air;  • a huge increase in Council Tax; or  • massive cuts in police numbers to save the cost of the salaries. Thus far, the Home Office has been very quiet on which option is the preferred one.

DEPARTURES Robert Sheckley A prolific writer of science fiction stories has died at 77. Mr. Sheckley's work began to appear in American magazines in the 1950s, especially in Galaxy and The Magazine of Fantasy & Science Fiction. He tended to focus on the people in his stories rather than the nuts and bolts of the technology that they used; or which made life tough for them!    His major theme was ordinary people coping with extraordinary circumstances and having to rely on their wits to get the better of thieves and con-men. In addition to hundreds of short stories, he achieved success with his novels, some of which were filmed – but not by anyone capable of turning out a classic. DEPARTURES Vince 'The Chin' Gigante A former head of New York's Genovese mob had died at 77. Nicknamed 'The Oddfather', Mr. Gigante evaded prosecution for decades by pretending to be mentally ill. He used to wander round Greenwich village in his pyjamas and he talked to himself, rather than the DA, to get himself declared incompetent. He eventually admitted that he was faking in 2003 and he finished his career in a prison hospital. DEPARTURES Kenneth Bulmer Another prolific science-fiction author, British this time, had died at 84. Creator of 170 novels and 200+ short stories, Ken Bulmer was also known for the variety of his pen names. He branched out from science fiction to historical novels set in Roman times and Anglo-Saxon England, maritime history, heroic fantasies, war stories and crime novels, which included adaptations of the scripts for the TV series The Professionals.    He also produced comic strips including The Steel Claw, which he co-authored. His professional writing career, begun in the early 1950s, was terminated in 1997, when he suffered a stroke. DEPARTURES The ITV Digital TV News Channel "The only decent news channel that there was," to quote a satisfied viewer, became one with history on the Friday before Xmas. Having lost tens of millions of pounds over the last 4 or so year, it was supposed to hang on to the end of January 2006. But ITV's bosses evidently decided not to chuck more cash into the black hole. DEPARTURES Kerry Packer The TV and publishing tycoon, and Australia's richest man, had died at 68. Mr. Packer will be best remembered for revolutionizing cricket in the late 1970s with his World Series Cricket. He recruited the best players to play in brightly coloured pyjamas in floodlit, limited-over matches. Cricket acquired a new TV audience and new, enduring match formats, and the players acquired bigger salaries and greater expectations. Mr. Packer will also be remembered for his big-spending gambling and his dramatic acts of generosity. DEPARTURES Ted Allbeury The spy turned author of novels, under his own and several pen names, and radio plays has died at 88. Ted Allbeury served as an intelligence officer in the Special Operations Executive during World War II. When peace broke out, he went into advertising, and running a pirate radio station, and took up writing in his mid-fifties. His spy novels focussed on 'the human cost' for agents on all sides and he achieved the distinction of out-earning Barbara Cartland (just once) in terms of public lending right payments on books of his borrowed from libraries.

Xmas Offer BlackFlag News is pleased to announce that this ground-breaking work by one of Romiley's most distinguished authors, and a founder member of Romiley Literary Circle, can now be downloaded in PDF format. Get the Book free from the RLC Downloads page Read about the Book and the author's other works on the Romiley Literary Circle website Category : Military fiction – An alternative, profitable future for Britain's armed forces if freed from political interference. Written 30 years ago but now becoming new labour policy!

HEALTH NEWS Guess what? They don't really know! For years, doctors have been saying that a moderate amount of alcohol is good for you. But another 'expert' from New Zealand is saying that previous statistics included faulty data and any amount of alcohol is bad for you because the disbenefits heavily outweigh the benefits.    No wonder New Zealand has been labelled the most dismal and boring place on Earth! A study at Texas Tech University has shown that a few drinks a week can help people to stay slim. Spit the bones out of that! Attention anyone hoping to go to hospital Your treatment will be delayed for up to 6 months, or more, as the NHS needs to tackle a monumental cash deficit. new labour may brag about the cash thrown at the NHS but they clearly didn't throw it at anything useful to patients. 14% of hospital trusts are currently in go-slow mode because of a shortage of funds. Fat Frying! A spa in Hong Kong has come up with an interesting way to remove unsightly fat. The customers are smeared with herbs, drenched with alcohol and the whole mess is ignited. The heat of the fire is supposed to increase circulation and promote fat absorption.    Over 100 customers have survived the treatment without injury. One lady described her experience as 'less painful than the spa's standard massage'. Frankenstein Food Warning! "Freshly picked" apples from the United States, as sold by Sainsbury's and other supermarkets, could be up to a year old by the time they hit the shelves. The US firm AgroFresh treats the apples with its SmartFresh process, which involves dosing them with 1-methylcyclopropene. This chemical prevents the formation of ethylene, the ripening agent which makes fruit go soft and then rot. prime minister to have urgent medical treatment antonio b. liar is expected to take the next month or so off – not on a freebie holiday but to see if anything can be done about his backbone problem – namely that he doesn't have one.    His recent unilateral decision to give up £7.2 billion of Britain's "non-negotiable" (to quote him) rebate from the EU, while getting nothing in return, highlighted the deficiency and raised the spectre of his exploding-heart problems recurring.    The nation's top reconstructive surgeon has been consulted but he is not optimistic about the backbone problem. "It is difficult to see any hope of stiffening the PM's resolve this late in his political career," he commented. A proper Xmas pudding is good for you as it contains lots of healthy fruits and nuts, anti-carcinogenic flavonoids and terpenes from the citrus peel, feel-good spices and a dash of cheering alcohol. Vitamin of the month : D A large dose a day of vitamin D will keep you cancer-free. That's the message from a review of research data published over the last 40 years.    p.s. Vitamin D was allowed to enjoy its popularity for less than 24 hours before the knocking job started and people were trying to 'prove' that vitamin D is pure poison!

HOME NEWS Is the public purse safe in this man's hands? [Negative answer invited.] The top people in the public sector received average pay rises of 13% last year – five times the rate of inflation. The head of Ofcom got 18% while the boss of Network Rail did even better with 26%.    scotch gordon would like the public sector's underlings to settle for no more than 2% in the next pay round. Meanwhile, MPs, including our old pal scotch, think they're worth 22% more. Panic!!! Mr. b. liar's reduction in Britain's rebate from the European Union wasn't included in scotch's pre-budget alibis, so his Black Hole has just grown enormously Make the superstitious pay Cash-starved Colchester council has come up with an interesting scam for raising money to pay the wages of their castle's staff and to maintain the fabric of the building. They're encouraging visitors to make generous donations to the castle's wishing well, and then sneaking the dosh out of the well after closing time. Isn't it great to have a monopoly? The Royal Mail is planning to raise the price of a first-class stamp to £3 by 2010 to plug a £500 billion black hole in the company pension fund.    Although, when they get some competition next year, their evil plan might just hit the buffers. Well, someone has to do it "Okay, okay.    "Don't shoot.       "I'll take the bloody job." p.s. Is it the New Conservative leader or the new Conservative leader? One with history . . . The red London Routemaster double-decker bus. New leader, new policy The first New Conservative idea for doing something useful for the environment is that all cyclists will have to strap a rickshaw onto the back of their bike and give lifts to motorists on demand. Value for money or just money-grubbing? The government has decided that monks and nuns in enclosed orders are not entitled to charitable status – and big tax breaks – because all they do is pray, rather than helping out in the community, and praying alone is of no benefit to society.

ODDITY NEWS "Not me, Gov!" The Bristol Evening Post ran a big front-page story when a Chinese restaurant in Weston super Mare was fined £20K for cockroaches in the food and other hygiene regulation violations. But very few regular customers in the area got to see it. Two blokes hit every newsagent within 40 miles of Weston on publication day and bought up every copy in sight. The two brothers who own the Sea Palace restaurant later denied having anything to do with the censorship attempt. Time for a change A leap second is to be added to 2005 to bring atomic clocks in line with the Earth's actual (and slightly erratic) rotation. Which means that all those fancy digital clocks which are controlled by wireless signals will show 23:59:60 before 00:00:00 to mark the start of 2006.

ROMILEY NEWS Guilty council starts "Be nice to Romiley" campaign Stockport council's ruling Triv-Dems have showered Romiley residents with glossy leaflets promising a massive campaign of 'improvements', many of them entirely trivial and in the 'just get on with it' category, such as pruning bushes to improve visibility.    A quick survey came up with the following responses. Yes, we'd like a couple of islands in the road in front of the station and at the Compstall Road end of Guywood Lane. No, there's no point in moving the bus stop at the station. No, we certainly don't want knobbly tiles in the pavement at crossing points as they are positively dangerous in frosty conditions. What Sandy Lane needs is not chicanes and stuff but some posts in the pavement on the west side between the junction with Compstall Road and the bus stop to stop illegal parkers cluttering up the pavement there. Of course, the real reason for the Big Plan is an attempt to deflect attention from the Triv-Dems' stitch-up over the fate of Romiley Primary School, but the residents are not fooled. What they want most of all is to have Romiley's pavements put into proper repair after decades of neglect. And the school to stay where it is. Free Novelty Water On the 2nd Thursday of the month, Romiley was struck by a mysterious plague of fizzy water. The stuff that came out of the cold tap looked like bitter lemon at first but, after a couple of minutes, when the fizz had risen up the glass to the top, the result was clear and, apparently, okay water. Very weird. Romiley dodges the big freeze They were up to their armpits in snow in the East and Wales, but Romiley got away with a mild coating of frost; and received about 2 shovelfuls of salt/sand mixture in the centre. Thanks very much, Stockport Council. Bigger bills, worse services Stockport Council's campaign to give Romiley residents worse services in exchanger for bigger and better Council Tax bills has hit a bump in the road. The plan to make refuse collections fortnightly instead of weekly produced threats to park bags of 2-week-old garbage at the homes of councillors to give them the opportunity to find out exactly how pongy it will be.

SEASONAL NEWS Not "Ho, Ho, Ho!" but "No, No, No!" An anti-Xmas move, which began in San Francisco in the mid-1990s, has been trying to liven up New Zealand this year. Their protests against the commercialization of Xmas take the form of drunken mass protests by a gang of people wearing Santa suits. The strategy is to make life difficult for police officers who are trying to spot which of 50 odd people are actually doing damage rather than just staggering about. What's in this month? Pie sales are undergoing a renaissance after a long period of stagnation. Pork pies, in particular, are flying off the shelves. Terrifying the Xmas-Denyers In the USA, fundamentalist of the religious right are frightening Xmas-denyers into doing a U-turn with threats of legal action. The mayor of Boston, for instance, rushed to admit that the city's 'holiday tree' was really an Xmas tree when a local evangelist threatened to sue him for false pretences and the Canadian bloke who had donated the tree to Boston demanded its return.    British fundamentalists, please take note! Damping down the Xmas high! Criminals locked up in Berlin's gaol are not allowed to have an Xmas tree in their cell, the superior court has ruled. A lower court said it would be okay to let prisoners have mini-trees up to 20" in height. But the prison governor won an appeal on the grounds that the tree trunks could be hollowed out and stuffed with drugs or a file.

Email Spamdango! Thanks to Otto V. for sending us the spam email containing this interesting cartoon. [The email offered no information on the product, but we could guess what it was about. Ed.]

WORLD NEWS Britain is best! Doctors in Germany are feeling underpaid, overworked and under appreciated. So they are threatening to quit their jobs en masse and move to Britain to help out our NHS. Nice of them! A very useful invention Nissan and Nippon Paint have combined to create a self-healing vehicle paint, which can fill up minor scratches (of the sort inflicted by car washes) and more serious ones. The healing process can take up to a week, depending on the severity of the damages, and it goes faster in higher temperatures. So global warming is good news for this bright idea. Congratters to the Scottish team for winning the world elephant polo championship in Nepal for the 2nd year in succession.    The big question now is: Can they three-peat? "Please keep your gobs shut!" The footballing authorities in Germany and England, and the German police, would like to ban all mention of the War during the 2006 World Cup Finals in the Fatherland. So out-of-tune renditions of the themes from The Dam Busters and The Great Escape will send police batons flashing, as will the song There were 10 German bombers in the sky (sung to the tune of She'll be coming round the mountain). Another wheel has come off America's 'evidence' that the Saddam Hussein regime had links with Al Qaida came from Ibn Libi, a high-ranking Libyan member of the terror group. The big problem with his 'evidence' is that he supplied it after the CIA handed him over to the Egyptians for further interrogation, with optional torture, in January 2002. So, naturally, he told the Egyptians what they wanted to hear.    The US Defence Intelligence Agency decided Mr. Libi was probably a fabricator in February 2002, but Pres Bush and Mr. b. liar still went ahead with their illegal invasion of Iraq in March 2003 on the basis of this and other manufactured evidence. Too many eyes watching? The CIA is lobbying to have plane spotting banned in order to bring a measure of secrecy back to its clandestine flights to and from civilian airports. Information on plane spotter websites around the world has allowed interested parties to track CIA flights carrying suspected terrorists to and from secret CIA prisons outside the USA and the Agency wants to put a stop to it. World Cup rip-off warning German hoteliers are planning to shove up their prices by 538% next summer. It's all part of a national plan to rip off supporters of the England football team. One strike and you're out of pocket The strikers who brought New York's transport system to a stand-still this month were told that they would lose 2 days' pay for every strike day as their 'compliments of the season'. A form of reverse overtime, in fact! Restriction of Xmas trade After receiving support from Cardinal O'Connor, the Palestinian government will be taking Israel to the World Court in search of damages. Their case is that the Israeli West Bank Wall, and unreasonable restrictions on visitors, have destroyed the Xmas tourist trade to Bethlehem over the last 5 years, and the Israelis' actions amount to commercial terrorism. Air-rager brought to earth A drunk who turned stroppy on a fight to Tenerife got an unexpected side trip to a tiny, volcanic island 300 miles short of his destination. The captain dumped him off at Porto Santo, where he got to spend 36 hours as a guest of the local police force before being allowed to carry on to his holiday destination. And when his case comes up in the new year, he faces the prospect of a free holiday in a Portuguese gaol.

bliar news What does he have to sweat about this month? bliar sells out Britain to save his own face Confronted by the prospect of no deal on the EU budget during his regime's period of presidency, antonio b. liar went into panic mode. His reaction was to offer up a chunk of Britain's 'non-negotiable' rebate as a sacrifice. Something you can bet on – something highly dodgy is on the way! new labour ministers and civil servants have been having a high old time with companies lobbying for the right to build super casinos in Britain. There have been 'fact-finding' junkets to Las Vegas, Atlantic City, France and South Africa. And one cowboy, who's in charge of drawing up rules for the new age of gambling, was even trying to get a job with a casino chain as a consultant on new labour's new rules. Oh, no! Divine retribution on the way Displeased by the bunglings of her servant antonio b. liar, the Almighty has reduced the Gulf Stream's heat transfer to the British Isles, which is all that stops us from having Siberian winters. By no coincidence, the reduction in heat transfer is 30%, which is the amount of Britain's rebate which mr. liar would like to surrender to boost the EU budget.    Will he get the message? The year-end asylum fiddle antonio b. liar's target for deporting unwanted migrants became unrealistic so the reaction of his minions was to tell the Immigration Service to concentrate on deportations and to take no notice of any new illegal migrants who sneak into the country over the next few months. The new Tory leader – posh and young and sneaky David Cameron's tactic of backing mr. b. liar when he steals Tory policies will result in severe internal splits in the labour party. Real Labour dinosaurs will feel free to vote against such policies in large numbers, knowing that they will not embarrass their party by making it lose the vote.    Being labelled 'yesterday's man' won't help mr. liar or scotch gordon, either! A U-turn on the dangers of cannabis mr. liar would like to blame the decision to decriminalize the sale and use of cannabis on dave blunk. antonio b. is trying to pretend that he knew nothing about it before, during and after the down-grading decision was taken. A new Dodgy Dossier on the way new labour has decided not to hold a public inquiry into the July bombings as it will only shove cash into the pockets of lawyers. Instead, the home office will create a dodgy dossier in serial form. And push some money into the pocket of one of its fiction writers. Doing away with the regulators Having abolished the watchdog who barked when antonio b. liar awarded honours to new labour donors, mr. liar would now like to do the same to the one in charge of business.    Mr. liar would like to make it easier for ministers and new labour civil servants to take jobs in the private sector and indulge in a form of insider trading for their own profit and to the taxpayer's disbenefit. An insatiable appetite for freebies Being so unpopular, mr. liar is not likely to sweat too much about the flak from taking another holiday in Egypt at the expense of his good pal Gamal Omar.

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT Crooks In Action As a public service, Jenson Farrago is offering access to his collection of bogus lottery, phishing and other email spam. CLICK HERE to find out what miracles they offer.

PRE-BUDGET NEWS "Not me, Gov!" Government These are the main points :    • This year's economic growth forecast was hopelessly wrong – real growth is half scotch's guess.    • Government borrowing is the usual £5 billion above scotch's guess.    • The North Sea Stealth Tax on the oil companies will be doubled to 20%, which means that fuel prices will be going up.    • 'Dormant' bank accounts will be plundered to provide a war chest for new labour's next general election campaign.    • Another fiddle of what constitutes 'the economic cycle' makes scotch's 'Golden Rule' on borrowing even more meaningless.    • A new tax on land sales makes nonsense of scotch's promise to build thousands of new homes. [Like he's going to get his hands dirty! Ed.] In summary, it is safe to say that the whole world has it in for scotch, none of his messes is his fault and please, PLEASE!, can he be prime minister because everyone knows he's a total flop as chancellor of the exchequer.

	Grief junkies. (This month & every month. Ed.)  All Xmas-denyers.  scotch gordon's economic guesswork.  Ex-Met commissioner Lord Stevens asking Prince Chazzer if he had Princess Di bumped off. Not to mention the £2.5 million which Stevens is wasting on his 'investigation'.  The BBC's head of news, Helen Boaden, who thinks it's a good idea to censor news broadcasts by removing the word 'terrorist'. Plus everyone up to DG level who went along with this shameful scheme.  antonio b. liar's triumph at the EU budget stitch-up.  John Prescott – multiple home owner, double-Jag'd, getting paid a small fortune and someone who can use an official, tax-payer paid for car to go 100 yards for the sake of his wife's hair-do – him as a class warrior!!??  Intelligent Design, according to a court in Pennsylvania, which ruled that ID is just Creationism in a new disguise and wishful thinking by deluded members of America's religious right.

This edition of BlackFlag News was compiled in accordance with official 10 Downing Street guidelines on accuracy and veracity.

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