2005/January    FINAL

SUPER BOWL NEWS It's the one pretty much everyone was expecting! No great surprise when the Philadelphia Eagles beat the Atlanta Falcons to become this season's NFC champions. And when the New England Patriots strolled into Pittsburgh and proceeded to demolish the Steelers on all fronts to take the AFC title, that was more or less what everyone expected (apart from die-hard Steelers' fans).    So the big question for Super Bowl 39 is: 'Can the Eagles, who haven't been to a Super Bowl since No. 15, when the Raiders beat them, stop the Patriots from joining the elite who have won back-to-back Super Bowls?' Probably not.

ROMILEY NEWS A rough time in the old town! Romiley survived in remarkably good shape, the battering of gales and heavy rain of this month's second weekend. Residents lost a bit of sleep as the winds shrieked about the rooftops during the night but the River Rom remained contained and the village was spared Carlisle-style floods. Snow? What snow! Romiley had a brief mid-month adventure with snow, which seemed to be hurtling down with blizzard-like intensity. But next time anyone looked, it had vanished! Apart from a token covering on shed roofs and wheely bins.    Disappointed sledge owners are blaming the lack of persistent snow on global warming and demanding the government do something about it.

READERS' LETTERS Dear Editor,    What this useless bloody government should do is make public intoxication worth a fine of £500 and persistent public intoxication worth a fine of £1,000.    After all, someone who gets pissed has to have plenty of cash. You can't get drunk if you're a pauper these days. The Mugger has seen to that.    Yours, etc.    Clyde E. Do newspaper advert work? A Sunday Telegraph reader writes: Dear Ed.,    I knew there was a Tory Party ad in the paper for January 23 (because it said so on the front page) but I have a built-in censor for adverts. I just ignore the pages containing them. So I got to the back page without noticing the Tory proclamation! And no doubt a lot of other readers had the same experience. Which leaves me wondering why people bother placing newspaper ads if they can't guarantee some editorial comment to ensure that people become aware of their message, at least tangentially.    Yours, etc.    Alan L.

IRAQ NEWS Babylon is history, thanks to US troops US occupation troops have done a terrific job of wrecking the remains of ancient Babylon, indignant archaeologists are saying. The troops tried to dig decorated bricks out of the dragons of the Ishtar Gate, they drove heavy vehicles across 2,600 year old brick pavements, they filled sandbags with earth mixed with archaeological fragments and they brought in sand and earth from other sites, contaminating Babylon with foreign archaeological material.    Experts are now complaining that the Yanks couldn't have done a better job of wrecking the historic site if they'd carpet-bombed it. The Poles, who are now in charge of Babylon, deny doing any further damage to it. "We're not wasting any more time there," says ISG. The US government has abandoned the search for WoMD in Iraq. The Iraq Survey Group and the US weapons inspectors have refused to return to the Middle East after Xmas leave, telling the Pentagon that they see no point on wasting any more of their time on what was always a lie.    As the US presidential election is safely out of the way, the issue will be allowed to fade away and the respective staffs of Prez Bush and Vice-Prez Bliar are busily rewriting history to change the emphasis from 'evidence of weapons of mass destruction' to evidence of Saddam Hussein's 'aspirations' to have WoMD. They are also re-positioning the reason for going to war in Iraq toward honest mistakes based on duff information rather than a desire to complete unfinished business on behalf of the Bush family and Vice-Prez Bliar's eagerness to suck up to the occupant of the White House. Four More Years! Prez Bush has promised the US troops in Iraq security of employment for at least the duration of his final term of office. "Iraq will still be a hell of a mess in 2009," a highly-placed US government official said. "And we are exploring the concept of letting foreign nationals gain US citizenship through a period of service with the US forces in Iraq."    The latter remark is believed to have arisen from the inability of the US government to persuade reservists, who make up 40% of the army of occupation in Iraq, to sign up for a second term of duty. "Iraq is now, in a very real sense, at peace for the first time since 1921."    Vice-Prez Bliar

HEALTH NEWS Immigration Problem Solved! The government is bracing itself for a world-wide pandemic of a lethal strain of bird flu, which has jumped species to humans in South-East Asia. The virus is so unstoppable that its death rate is over 70%. Which is why the government is setting up quarantine centres for infected globe-trotters, finalizing evacuation plans for major cities [To where? Ed.] and hiring inflatable mortuaries.    The good news is that if 70% of the British population is wiped out, finding room for immigrants, legal and otherwise, will no longer be a problem.

MEEJA HYPE NEWS "You can tell there's not much real news if they can keep going on about something this trivial!" Apparently, someone dressed up in a Nazi outfit at a private fancy dress party. But we found the whole thing so trivial, we couldn't be bothered getting any details. So we're going to draw a line under it and move on. Ed. Here are some comments from correspondents. "There are too many people around whose sole reason for existence is to be offended; people who count a day wasted if they can't feel shocked and outraged at least once." "If anyone has to apologize, it should be after Vice-Prez Bliar has apologized for lying to the nation to get us on board Prez Bush's illegal war in Iraq." "I think every right-minded person in the country should dress up in a Nazi uniform to show solidarity with Prince What's-his-name." "How does anyone know it was a genuine picture of Prince Whatsit and not something faked on someone's computer?" "If anyone should apologize, it's the newspapers and the TV news. If they hadn't made such a big deal of it on a slow news day, no one would have been any the wiser and the poor old public wouldn't have been subjected to this torrent of tosh." "What does he have to apologize for? It's not like he started a war in Iraq and got 100,000 people killed." Indignant followers of Hinduism, the Chinese and all other users of the swastika during its 10,000 years of existence are up in arms at an attempt to introduce a Europe-wide ban on the symbol. Which sounds like a recipe for some interesting demonstrations if the Eurocrats try to impose their will on rebellious customers! January 24th is officially the worst day of the year, so anyone who manages not to commit suicide on this blackest of days can look forward to blue skies and plain sailing for the rest of the year. [Well, until Vice-Prez Bliar & his cronies do something further to ruin things for everyone. Ed.]

BOOZE NEWS Booze unlimited by order The government's plans for 24-hour compulsory drinking are being sabotaged by a vocal minority. The people who will have to clear up the mess left by drunken customers – the police, the transport police, the medical profession, cleaning staff and some members of the legal profession – are all threatening to go sick if pubs and clubs are allowed to stay open all day and all night too.    The Chancellor has been chewing his carpet in frustration because he sees the increase in tax revenue from 24-hour alcohol sales as one of the prime means of stabilizing the enormous black hole that he has created in the nation's finances until after the next general election, when the problem will no longer be his. The civil servant in charge of New Labour's plans is in the pocket of the drinks industry, former Health Sec. Frank Dobson reckons. Andrew Cunningham has issued a grovelling apology for his errors of judgement but the fix is well and truly in and 24-hour pub opening is now an article of faith for New Labour. Councils everywhere are threatening to take the government to court over the extra costs which Vice-Prez Bliar and his cohorts are wishing on them.    The new rules around New Labour's 24-hour drinking culture will burden local councils with the costs of: 1. paying for enough police to clear the streets of drunks and violent hooligans; 2. authorizing (or denying) additional applications for extended drinks licences; and 3. training then sending inspectors to pubs, clubs and other licensed premises to make sure that the new rules are being obeyed.    The councils are seeking a guarantee that any extra cash needed will come from central funds rather than be added on to the Council Tax. Which raises the interesting prospect of responsible areas having to pay for clearing up after New Labour's booze-sodden hooligans in disreputable areas.    New Labour, new ways to pick your pocket.

SPACE NEWS Huygens lands safely on Titan The Huygens probe made it all the way through Titan's dense, cloudy atmosphere to land on a 'stable, hard surface'. The first pictures of Saturn's foggy moon, which is larger than the planet Mercury, show dark, meandering rivers on a light, icy landscape, and big chunks of ice on the surface (which turned out to be quite small when we were told the scale of the pictures!). The probe sent data back to the Cassini spacecraft, which gave it the lift from Earth to the vicinity of Saturn, until its batteries were exhausted. Its builders at the European Space Agency will be spending the next few years processing and reprocessing that data.    The latest news from ESA is that the Huygens probe squelched to a landing in mud and it rains methane on Titan. There is a convection system which produces weather on the planetoid, methane clouds, storms, and rivers and streams. And it all happens at an inhospitable -180 deg.C.

DEPARTURES Frank Kelly Freas One of science fiction's most celebrated illustrators had died at 82. He was known for creating images which related to the essence of the story rather than standard 'rockets and ray-guns' and he received 11 Hugo Awards from science-fiction's fans. Readers of Mad magazine were treated to his covers between 1958 and 1962, most featuring Alfred E. 'What, me worry?' Neuman. As well as producing illustrations and cover designs for magazines and books by the best science-fiction talents, he designed Skylab shoulder patches and posters for NASA, and wrote and co-authored several books. DEPARTURES Jim Capaldi Drummer, composer and founder member of Traffic with Stevie Winwood, Jim Capaldi has died at 60. Traffic had its main successes in the 1960s with its quirky brand of music but Capaldi continued to write hits for others through 4 decaded, including Love Will Keep Us Alive for the reformed Eagles (1996). His compositions sold in the millions and he was a winner of 5 of the US radio industry's awards for Most Played Compositions in America.

DOUBT NEWS "Where is God in all this?" If God doesn't exist, he/she/it isn't to blame for the deaths caused by last month's tsunamis.    If God does exist, and he/she/it is as omnipotent, omnipresent, compassionate and merciful as advertised, then he/she/it clearly doesn't care a fig for what happens on Earth. Which raises the question of whether the people of Earth should be having anything to do with such a hands-off and pointless deity.    [Or maybe God was on holiday with Vice-Prez Bliar at the time and off-duty, in which case we should be looking for his/hers/its equivalent of John 'Two Jags' Prescott to collect the blame. Ed.]    [Note to Ed.: Only to find that the official inquiry into the disaster proved that no one was to blame and especially no one associated with New Labour? Your staff.] p.s. Where were the warnings about tsunamis from astrologers, psychics, fortune tellers and the other con-merchants who proclaim inside knowledge of what the future holds?

HOME NEWS Another shot in another foot The long delays associated with chip & PIN credit card transactions are leading to a large increase in the number of fed up customers dumping their shopping and taking a walk in protest at long check-out queues in supermarkets. The operators of the nation's consumer goods providers are now having to face up to the possibility of having to do something about the problem. Like making some tills cash-only or hiring more staff to return the abandoned stock to the shelves to reduce the confusion it causes. The Anti-Bullying Alliance – a grand coalition of 50+ professional, private sector and volunteer groups – is in trouble for bullying. It has been using bullying tactics to inflict its code of conduct on potential members. Why? Because the code of conduct is designed to prevent criticism by requiring members not to disagree with the views of other members, no matter how stupid or irrational, and to treat every scrap of information as top secret unless it is specifically flagged as non-confidential.    The government hands out £30K per year to ABA 'co-ordinators' for 2 days' work per week, and they are free to use the ABA's facilities, e.g. the website, to publicize their own commercial ventures in this area. BT nick a couple of hours from their customers BT is to chop 2 hours off its cheap calls period. It used to charge 5.5p for up to an hour's chat between 6 p.m. and 8 a.m. the next day. In future, calls made after 6 a.m. will be charged at the usual daytime rates with a 5.5p minimum charge. Those paying a fixed fee for 'free' off-peak calls will also lose the 2 hours.    When questioned about the increase in charges, a BT spokesperson responded with a load of irrelevant rubbish. You can tell how little real news is floating around from the fact that theGuardian, once a serious newspaper, is reduced to filling up space with lamentations on the demise of East Enders in the viewing figures, and urban myths about vampires in Birmingham. The school inspection service Ofsted has reached the brilliant conclusion that nursery teachers are wasting far too much time teaching kids to count and write their names. What they should be teaching them instead is how to 'explore their thoughts and feelings'. Let the people pay Vice-Prez Bliar, too tight-fisted to pay his own way, spent £100K of taxpayer's money flying himself and his entourage to Egypt for his latest winter holiday.    He used an airliner of the Queen's Flight for the job and his excuse for this latest abuse of the taxpayer's generosity was that he 'held an official meeting during the trip'. Lethal French electricity runs riot in London Televisions, computers, microwave ovens and other electrical appliances exploded in flames in Highgate, North London, when the wrong sort of electricity stormed into homes. A spokesman for the French-controlled utility company EDF Energy blamed a rogue surge of 415V electricity, which assaulted up to 150 homes. The fire brigade had to attend several of the fires and everyone affected spent a Sunday without power. MI6 has appointed a quality control officer, to be known as R, in a belated attempt to stop New Labour rewriting intelligence data for its own devious purposes. R's boss is C, aka John Scarlett, the man who bent over backwards to accommodate Alastair Campbell's wishes for the content of what were supposed to be Mr. Scarlett's dossiers on Iraq's weapons. So no one is expecting desperately high standards of quality from R. The government says it's responsible for 'record' results in GCSE exams. How? By awarding an 'A' grade to schoolkids scoring 45% and a 'B' grade to duffers who can achieve at least 17%! The attention-seeking MP defector last got himself noticed in 1990, when he claimed he had a bomb in his luggage at an airport. He said it was just a joke and a protest at being kept hanging around. As the incident took place not long after a Libyan bomb sent an airliner crashing onto Lockerbie, the police were not amused. But the defector got away with just an official caution. Aberdeen Council thinks letting children sing 'Baa, Baa, Black Sheep' will turn them into racialist hooligans. Also, it feels that kids need to be exposed to black and brown ducks, as well as fluffy yellow ones, to make them racially and ethnically aware. If a cold bath is needed to calm frayed nerves after a hard day's work, rather than a relaxing hot bath, then everyone we spoke to will choose to stay nervy and grumpy. Cash for the customers That nice Mr. Howard is promising to demolish New Labour's Fat Government and when the dust settles, he plans to give his customers £4 billion.    BlackFlag News has a special prize for the reader who emails in the most mind-boggling plan for spending his/her £4 billion! All contributions to farrago2 at ntlworld.com There is more than meets the eye to New Labour's plan to introduce a compulsory pledge of allegiance for all 18 year olds. Vice-Prez Bliar is rumoured to be considering adding an optional but compulsory pledge of personal allegiance to Britführer Bliar, as well as the Crown, if he thinks he can get away with it.

SLOTH NEWS Alibis for idleness "The Human body has only a fixed supply of life energy and the sooner you use it up in pointless exercise, the sooner you die. So it makes sense to put your feet up and live longer." "Activity produces oxygen free radicals in the human body and they rampage around and cause premature ageing." "Exercise produces the hormone cortisol, which can damage brain cells and cause premature senility." "Laughing is the best exercise. It produces the hormone serotonin, which makes people feel happy and relaxed, and it gives the cardio-vascular system a minor work-out without producing free radicals."

GADGET NEWS The death of adverts? Sky TV, which gets 80% of its revenue from subscriptions but still piles in acres of adverts, is frightening its 100% advert-funded rivals & sub-clients with its latest patent for a gadget for recording TV programmes. The current Sky recording gadget fast-forwards through adverts but they can still be seen by the viewer. The next generation gadget misses out the adverts completely.    ITV, Channel 4 and Channel 5 are worried about advertisers not paying them if Sky customers receive their programmes with the adverts edited out. Sky is making reassuring noises in their directions about not deploying their gadget in the near future but it does sound like something we need right now for getting rid of the BBC's endless bloody adverts! The BBC would like its customers to believe that if they install a 45-foot wind turbine in their garden (at a cost of £25,000), they'll make an absolute fortune selling surplus electricity to the National Grid. In fact, if the turbine-owner manages to run an immersion heater and a few lights, he/she will be very lucky.    New Labour would also like its customers to buy in to this con-trick. There's no getting rid of outdated mobiles The latest grand plan for obsolete mobile phones is to make use of the built in clock and the memory to create useful consumer gadgets. Given a new casing, a mobile could be converted, after installation of some new software, into an alarm clock, a hand-held game, a TV remote control, a calculator, a camera or a personal digital assistant.    The government's Department of Guesswork reckons that mobile phones have an average life of 18 months, 15 million of them are thrown away or dumped in drawers every year and just 4% of them are recycled and dumped in Third World countries. When Bill Clinton was Prez, his military mad scientists were working on some fiendish bioweapons. One would have given every enemy soldier treated terminal halitosis. Another would have turned the enemy into rampant homosexualists. There were also plans to spray enemy positions with chemicals to attract wasps, flies, ants and other nasties.    Makes poor old Saddam's WoMD look positively harmless!

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT A London Olympics? No, thanks! Apparently, this message now has a royal endorsement.

WORLD NEWS Give a guy a second term and he thinks he's a dictator! US Prez George Dubya seems to have changed his name to Stalin somewhere along the line. He's planning to send a whole gang of terrorist suspects to his personal gulags for life without the benefit of due process and a trial. As long as Mr. Prez is sure they are too dangerous to be allowed to run around free, that will be the suspect's ticket to a life of leisure behind bars. Logic turned upside down The papers have been going on about 'remarkable' pictures of a Swedish woman running towards her family and the tsunami which was bearing down on all of them. But when you think about it, the picture would have been remarkable only if the woman had been running away from her children and the danger. Because at times like that, personal survival doesn't even enter the mother's mind.    Protect the offspring, get there and DO something is the Prime Directive genetically and also socially. And that's exactly what this woman was trying to do. And happily, she and her family all managed to get away with being swallowed up and churned about by the wave. "Not our problem, mate." With Vice-Prez Bliar on his happy holidays and unconcerned, the Foreign Office has been getting up to its old tricks in the region affected by the Boxing Day tsunamis. Embassy staff have been putting on their best jobsworth faces and telling survivors, their relatives and relatives of the dead and missing, "Sorry, we can't do anything for you." when they ask for help. Which leaves the rest of us wondering just what British embassy staff are for if not helping the people who pay their wages at a time of crisis?    p.s. There is a suspicion that the jobsworths have been ordered to be as unforthcoming as possible about casualty figures because high casualty figures are perceived as bad for New Labour, especially with Vice-Prez Bliar on holiday in Egypt and determined not to rush home. The Thai Earthquake Bureau was too busy sending out faxes about minor earthquakes to read an email giving 1 hour's warning of the Boxing Day tsunamis. And when a Hawaiian geophysicist tried to phone tsunami warnings to local weather centres, his calls were ignored or no one answered the phone. Grand tours of inspection of the tsunami devastated areas by the great & good were less than welcome to the residents. Visits by UN General Sec. Kofi Annan and US Sec. of State Colin Powell resulted in airports being closed down for security checks. And as a result, the distribution of rescue supplies came to a complete stop. "We'd still rather have proper dosh!" It was wished on them 3 years ago but Europeans are still not happy with the euro. A recent survey has shown that 67% of Italians and 60% of the French still wish they could have their 'real money' back. Things are slightly better in Germany, where 50.5% are resigned to the euro. Predictably, the scrounger states Ireland and Luxembourg report 80% and 70% contentment respectively. Meanwhile, 25% of Europeans still work out what things cost in their old currencies and this figure rises to 50% if they're buying something big, like a car or a house. A giant iceberg is about to crash into a floating Antarctic glacier known as the Drygalski Ice Tongue. And people around the world are braced for Vice-Prez Bliar going on TV and pretending he can do something about it. The latest news from the European Space Agency is that the 99-mile long iceberg has run aground in shallow water off McMurdo Sound, and it is no longer heading for the Drygalski Ice Tongue. But strong winds could still blow the iceberg, which has about the same area as Luxembourg, into motion again.    Experts now believe that Vice-Prez Bliar is in 'wait and see' mode, preparing either to claim credit for averting the collision or positioning himself as the world's most compassionate man by launching a fund for the relief of the distressed and starving penguins, which will be cut off from their feeding grounds if the iceberg does hit the glacier. British football fans will be amused to hear that Argentinian cheat Diego Maradonna is now the size of a house and it takes The Crane of God, rather than His Hand, to help the old coke-head into a standing position when he takes the weight off his legs.

CRIMINAL NEWS Wooden Spoon time for the nation's police forces Two behavioural scientists at Newcastle University have been shining torches into New Labour's murky corners. Their findings challenge the rosy picture of a crime-free Britain painted by New Labour's falsified statistics. Shock, horror! They have decided that the UK police forces are the worst in the world at dealing with crime.    Things that haven't helped include Vice-Prez Bliar's policy of extracting the maximum amount of cash from motorists, which has turned law-abiding people into twisted, resentful characters who wouldn't pee on a copper if he was on fire. Another major source of discontent is police forces letting bad behaviour and low-level crime go unchecked while the government dismisses the public's opinion that crime is a problem as the ravings of the old and the ignorant.    Senior police officers have helped out by hiding behind management babble, concentrating their attention on PR stunts and introducing technology that doesn't work while taking coppers off the streets, where they can make a difference. And having a Home Office regime which would rather see the police busy collecting bogus statistics than tackling crime has also played a big part in putting BritCops plc at the bottom of the heap. Restorative Justice a waste of time The Home Office has spent millions of pounds of taxpayer's money on making criminals say sorry to their victims. All for nothing, a study of the effect of the programme has shown. A criminal who says sorry is just as likely to rob someone at the next opportunity as an unrepentant one. Forward planning in Thailand Thieves in Thailand have been stealing bodies from unguarded mosques, taking them to official body-receiving stations and registering them as dead relatives. Why? In the hope that if the Thai government decides to pay compensation to relatives of the dead, they'll cop for some cash. The chief constable of Belfast has announced that the IRA are the prime suspects for last month's major bank robbery. The Northern Bank of Belfast has decided to withdraw and reissue all of its banknotes, converting the robbery into the biggest theft of waste paper on record. Those geniuses at the Home Office have decided to give up on burglaries and car crime. In future the above crimes will be investigated by Civilian Documentation Officers, who will have received at least 3 weeks' training. Meanwhile, the official police will be diverted to solving what the Home Office calls 'actual' crimes. New Labour's prison lottery New Labour has failed to build enough prisons to give the nation a break from the activities of convicted members of the criminal community. So new Home Sec. Charles Clarke has come up with a Big Idea: a lottery for criminals. If they are lucky enough to be convicted when the prisons are full, they don't have to go to gaol. It's only taxpayers' cash, after all Why is the Mugger so keen to hand British taxpayers' cash to African dictators? Simple. He's trying to take over Vice-Prez Bliar's self-appointed role of 'Saviour of Africa'. He thinks giving away other people's money will make him look like Lord Bountiful and no one will mind if the money disappears into secret bank accounts or it is blown on fancy cars and personal jets. Irish priest Neil Horan, who dashed out of a taverna during last year's Athens Olympics and dragged the leading runner into the crowd, has been struck off. Horan also attempted to disrupt the British Grand Prix at Silverstone in 2003 by wandering about on the track. He received a 2 month gaol sentence for his antics at Silverstone and just a suspended sentence from the Greeks. Finally, the Roman Catholic Church has decided to defrock him, leaving the rest of us wondering why it took them so long. Re: the courts martial of British troops in Germany, which got Vice-Prez Blair so excited: Let us not forget that these were not ordinary Iraqi citizens who were dragged off the streets and harassed. They were persistent scumbag thieves who were caught in the act repeatedly stealing humanitarian aid; and their fellow Iraqis were all in favour of shooting them out of hand.    p.s. Let us not forget that soldiers are trained to fight and kill, not act as police officers, security guards or social workers. The gas companies are getting very twitchy about the possibility of a windfall tax to deprive them of the excessive profits which they have been making recently through overcharging and manipulation of the gas supply. Another one on the big banks would be a good idea if the Mugger is feeling brave. The Day Out Of The Jackal – a short story Carlos began to regret taking a mystery tour when the bus got stuck in west London. Bored, he took out his sniperscope and tried to spot the obstruction. It turned out to be a smug-looking bloke getting out of an official car with a big box done up in fancy gold wrapping.    An hour later, the bus had crawled into conversation range of some photographers, who were still hanging around. When questioned, they told Carlos that the prime minister had been trying to buy votes by giving one of his customers a teapot and four mugs, which he had picked up in sales at a total cost of £17.20.    Carlos didn't regret not putting a bullet between the smug one's staring eyes as it would have resulted in an even longer delay. But, he assured himself, there would be another opportunity when he was not having a day off and a day out. THIS ITEM CANNOT BE POSTED as the author is under house arrest and Home Sec. Charles Clarke has confiscated his phone, his fax machine and his internet access.

NOT SO INTELLIGENCE NEWS MoD Screws Up Again The Ministry of Defence recently set up a new website for the Army Intelligence Corps: army.mod.uk/intelligencecorps and just abandoned the old website: usite.army.mod.uk/intcorps without deleting the content. So some mysterious person decided to take over the abandoned website; including its email addresses; and the army is getting worried about how much classified and personal material he/she has acquired.    The Intelligence Corps is responsible for protecting the army organization against espionage, sabotage, subversion, terrorism, loss of equipment and loss or disclosure of classified information. Looks like Minister of Defence Jeff 'Buff' Hoon has yet another self-inflicted military disaster on his hands!

TRAVEL NEWS The Royal Mail regrets . . . . . . denying Xmas to the residents of Ascension Island in the South Atlantic Ocean by sending their Xmas mail to Ascuncion in Paraguay, which is about 3,000 miles away. And just to confuse the issue further, the Royal Mail sent items addressed to Georgetown, the capital of Ascension Island, to Georgetown in Guyana, also in South America. Due to a lack of connecting flights with Ascension Island, everything will have to be lumbered back to the UK so that the Royal Mail can have another chance at screwing up Xmas. Anyone planning to book an airline ticket on the internet is advised to avoid the British Airways website. They plan to introduce a £10 on-line booking fee, probably from May 1st this year. The EU scroungers are at it again The Spanish and Moroccan governments are going full steam ahead with a plan to connect their 2 countries with a 24-mile tunnel. Like the Channel Tunnel, it will have twin railway tunnels with a central service tunnel between them. No one has the faintest idea what the whole project will cost, but both Spain and Morocco are agreed that the EU should foot the bill.

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT Phishers In Action "Phishers" send out bogus emails in an attempt to obtain account, pin number and password information so that they can bleed your bank account dry.    As a public service, Jenson Farrago is offering access to examples of phishing emails. CLICK HERE to find out what they look like.

ECHOES FROM THE PAST

"Clare Short is totally irresponsible."    "Yes, Minister. But was she right about the British government bugging alleged allies at the UN?"    "She has let her party down and disappointed everyone." "Michael Howard is a political opportunist."    "Isn't that what your party used to say about Charles Kennedy, Minister?"    "Charles who?"    "And does that mean you're now more afraid of the Tories than the Liberals?"    "Only New Labour will keep Britain at the heart of Europe." "Steve Moxton said Osama bin Laden's followers would have to be silenced with nuclear weapons."    "Yes, Minister, but was he right about the immigration office in Sheffield being involved in a massive cover up?"    "His statement was totally irresponsible."

	Vice-Prez Bliar stayed on holiday because there was nothing useful he could do in the UK. [Since when did a politician not being able to do anything useful stop him poking his nose in? Ed.]  The notion of a three-minute silence.  Abu Hamza not making it to court because his bloody toenails were too long.  The moron in charge of the Rochdale police thinking banning the word 'township' will do anything to improve his unimpressive crime figures.  The world condemns the prince's gaffe. [In fact, the real world couldn't care less. Ed]  Pubs need to be open 24 hours/day to avoid inconveniencing theatre goers.  The parliamentary sleaze watchdog thinking it was okay for Vice-Prez Bliar to try to conceal a freebie holiday with a 'tobacco baron'.  Junior health minister Rosie Winterton's claim that New Labour's failure to provide enough NHS dentists is the fault of the last Tory government.

This edition of BlackFlag News was compiled in accordance with official 10 Downing Street guidelines on accuracy and veracity.

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