11

Warranty Wit.

 

It could almost be real.

Subject: Warranty paperwork



Warranty Registration
It's nice to know at least one person in the military-industrial complex has
a sense of humour.
This was allegedly posted (very briefly) on the McDonnell Douglas Website by
an employee there who obviously has a sense of humour. The company, of
course, does not have a sense of humour, and made the web department take it
down immediately (for once, the 'IMPORTANT' note at the end is worth a read
too).

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to
protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the
warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not
required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best
meet your needs and desires.

1. [_] Mr. [_] Mrs. [_] Ms. [_] Miss [_] Lt. [_] Gen. [_] Comrade [_]
Classified [_] Other First Name: ................................ Initial:
........ Last Name:.................................. Password:
............................... (max. 8 char) Code
Name:.................................. Latitude-Longitude-Altitude:
........... ...........


2. Which model of aircraft did you purchase?
[_] F-14 Tomcat [_] F-15 Eagle [_] F-16 Falcon [_] F-117A Stealth [_]
Classified

3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): 20.. /......./......

4. Serial Number:..........................................

5. Please indicate where this product was purchased:
[_] Received as gift / aid package [_] Catalogue / showroom [_] Independent
arms broker [_] Mail order [_] Discount store [_] Government surplus [_]
Classified

6. Please indicate how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas
product you have just purchased:
[_] Heard loud noise, looked up [_] Store display [_] Espionage [_]
Recommended by friend / relative / ally [_] Political lobbying by
manufacturer [_] Was attacked by one

7. Please indicate the three (3) factors that most influenced your
decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
[_] Style / appearance [_] Speed / manoeuvrability [_] Price / value [_]
Comfort / convenience [_] Kickback / bribe [_] Recommended by salesperson
[_] McDonnell Douglas reputation [_] Advanced Weapons Systems [_] Backroom
politics [_] Negative experience opposing one in combat

8. Please indicate the location(s) where this product will be used:
[_] North America [_] Iraq [_] Aircraft carrier [_] Iraq [_] Europe [_] Iraq
[_] Middle East (not Iraq) [_] Iraq [_] Africa [_] Iraq [_] Asia / Far East
[_] Iraq [_] Miscellaneous Third World countries [_] Iraq [_] Classified [_]
Iraq

9. Please indicate the products that you currently own or intend to
purchase in the near future:
[_] Colour TV [_] VCR [_] ICBM [_] Killer Satellite [_] CD Player [_]
Air-to-Air Missiles [_] Space Shuttle [_] Home Computer [_] Nuclear Weapon

10. How would you describe yourself or your organization?
(Indicate all that apply
[_] Communist / Socialist [_] Terrorist [_] Crazed [_] Neutral [_]
Democratic [_] Dictatorship [_] Corrupt [_] Primitive / Tribal

11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?
[_] Deficit spending [_] Cash [_] Suitcases of cocaine [_] Oil revenues [_]
Personal cheque [_] Credit card [_] Ransom money [_] Traveller's cheque

12. Your occupation:
[_] Homemaker [_] Sales / marketing [_] Revolutionary [_] Clerical [_]
Mercenary [_] Tyrant [_] Middle management [_] Eccentric billionaire [_]
Defence Minister / General [_] Retired [_] Student

13. To help us better understand our customers, please indicate the
interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on
a regular basis:
[_] Golf [_] Boating / sailing [_] Sabotage [_] Running / jogging [_]
Propaganda / misinformation [_] Destabilization / overthrow [_] Defaulting
on loans [_] Gardening [_] Crafts [_] Black market / smuggling [_]
Collectibles / collections [_] Watching sports on TV [_] Wines [_]
Interrogation / torture [_] Household pets [_] Crushing rebellions [_]
Espionage / reconnaissance [_] Fashion clothing [_] Border disputes [_]
Mutually Assured Destruction

Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers
will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you
better in the future - as well as allowing you to receive mailings and
special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and
mysterious consortia.
As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will be registered to win a
brand new F-117A in our Desert Thunder Sweepstakes! Comments or suggestions
about our fighter planes? Please write to: McDonnell DOUGLAS CORPORATION
Marketing Department Military, Aerospace Division.
IMPORTANT: This email is intended for the use of the individual addressee's)
named above and may contain information that is confidential, privileged, or
unsuitable for overly sensitive persons with low self-esteem, no sense of
humour, or irrational religious beliefs. If you are not the intended
recipient, any dissemination, distribution or copying of this email is not
authorized (either explicitly or implicitly) and constitutes an irritating social faux
pas. Unless the word absquatulation has been used in its correct context
somewhere other than in this warning, it does not have any legal or
grammatical use and may be ignored. Those of you with an overwhelming fear
of the unknown will be gratified to learn that there is no hidden message
revealed by reading this warning backwards, so just ignore that Alert.



(Ps. your bound to ask, so I was sad enough to look it up....


ab·squat·u·late [ ab skwóch làyt ] (past ab·squat·u·lat·ed, past participle
ab·squat·u·lat·ed, present participle ab·squat·u·lat·ing, 3rd person present
singular ab·squat·u·lates.
intransitive verb

1. abscond: to leave, especially in a hurry or under suspicious circumstances


2. die: to die


3. argue: to argue


[Mid-19th century. A humorous formation modelled on English words of Latin
origin, as if from Latin ab away + English squat + -ulate (as in congratulate),
literally meaning the reverse of squat, that is, to depart in a hurry.]


Graham.)

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