Love & Marriage!

 

Marriage Made in Heaven?


On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple
had a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting
outside Heaven's Gate waiting on St. Peter to do an intake. While
waiting, they wondered if they could possibly get married in
Heaven.

St. Peter finally showed up and they asked him. St. Peter said, "I
don't know, this is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find
out," and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer ... for a couple of
months, and they began to wonder if they really should get
married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if
it doesn't work?" they wondered. "Are we stuck together
forever?"

St. Peter returned after yet another month, looking somewhat
bedraggled.

"Yes," he informed the couple, "you can get married in Heaven."

"Great," said the couple, "but what if things don't work out?
Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"COME ON!" St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a
priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it will take me to
find a lawyer?"

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Secrets to a Happy Marriage

1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans.

2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money.

3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have s*x.

and MOST important.

4. It is important that these three women never meet

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Marital Strife!

Most married couples mainly argue about two things, s*x and money.

So agree the price before you start.!!!!!!!

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The Last Word!!

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At
the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they
accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.
They hear a faint moan.
They open the casket and find that the woman is Actually alive.

She lived for ten more years, and then dies peacefully. A ceremony is again
held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are
again carrying out the casket. As they are walking out, the husband cries out,

"For heavens sake, Watch the flipping wall!"

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BAKED BEANS
If this doesn't make you laugh out loud, nothing will........


Once there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked
beans. She loved them but unfortunately, they had always had a very
embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her.
Then one day she met a man and fell in love. When it became
apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, "He is such
a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on."
She made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later, her car broke down on the way home from work.
Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him
that she would be late because she had to walk home.
On her way, she passed a small diner and the odour of the baked beans
was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured
that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home.

So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three
large orders of baked beans.
All the way home she putt-putted, and upon arriving home she felt
reasonably sure she could control it.

Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly,
"Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She
seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from
his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the
blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the telephone.

The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the
pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was
out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to
one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a
fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill.
She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the
other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage.

Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she
went on like this for another ten minutes. When the telephone
farewells signalled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more
times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands
upon it, smiling contentedly to herself. She was the picture of
innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for taking so
long. He asked her if she peeked and she assured him that she had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold ... and she was surprised!!
There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her

a "Happy Birthday"!!!
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Durex spect me to Believe this?

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. She looked out the window and yelled to her lover. Quick jump out the window. My husband's home early!! "I can't jump out the window!" came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets "It's raining out there!" "If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. "He's got a very quick temper and a very large gun, the rain is the least of your problems!" So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon. So he started running alongside the others, about 300 of them. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while, a small group of runners, which had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer. "Do you always run in the nude?" one asked. "Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free." Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?" "Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!" "Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. "Do you always wear a condom when you run?" "Nope.........just when it's raining."

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Party Time

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going. So, he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain. As it was still early, she decided to go to the party. Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun watching him, to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every woman he could, copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. As a rather seductive babe herself, his wife sidled up to him. He left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so they went to one of the cars and had sex.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behaviour. She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked how the party was. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you, the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a really good time!"


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