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OCCUPATIONAL HUMOUR

The following notices seem to apply to most current occupations these days. They would be funny if they were not so near the truth:-

 

EARLY RETIREMENT.

Due to the current financial situation, management has decided to implement a scheme to send all workers over 40 into early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged Personnel Early)

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to become eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help AFTer Retirement). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW scheme (SCheme for Retired Early, Workers). A person may be RAPED only once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as management deem appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED can apply to receive AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants or Spouses), or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously, persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further, by management.

Persons staying on, will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself for the amount of SHIT it gives itself. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring it to the attention of your manager, he has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

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If that wasn't cynical enough, try the following :-

 

A PRAYER FOR THE STRESSED.

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

the courage to change the things I cannot accept,

and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had to kill today, because they got on my nerves.

 

Help me to be careful of toes I step on today, as they may be connected to the feet I may kiss tomorrow.

 

Help me always to give 100% at work,

12% on Monday,

23% on Tuesday,

40% on Wednesday,

20% on Thursday, and

05% on Friday.

 

Help me to remember, when I'm having a bad day, and it seems that people are trying to wind me up, it takes :-

42 muscles to frown,

28 muscles to smile

BUT ONLY 4 TO EXTEND MY ARM AND SMACK SOMEONE IN THE MOUTH.

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Thought for the day.

Look after your children, for it is they that choose your retirement home later in life.

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