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Blessed Humour

Sour Grapes?

Patrick goes to confession and says, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Last night I was with seven different women."

The priest says, "Take seven lemons, squeeze them into a glass and drink the juice without pausing."

"Will that cleanse me of my sins, Father?" asks Patrick a little bewildered.

"No," replies the priest. "But it'll wipe that flippin' grin off your face."

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Offence? Nun Taken.

Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are travelling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick" shouts Sister Marilyn "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination" says Sister Helen.

Sister Marilyn switches them on knocking the Dracula about but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it with Holy Water at the Vatican" says Sister Helen.

Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn.

"Show him your cross" says Sister Helen.

"Now you're talking" says Sister Marilyn.

She opens the window and growls, "Get the hell off the car you ungodly beast!"

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Found In Church Bulletins And Newsletters


On the lighter side of religion, here are some actual sentences
found in church bulletins and newsletters:

1.Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help.


2.Thursday night - potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
 

3.Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
 

4.For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
 

5.The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
 

6.This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
 

7.Tuesday at 4pm there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

8.Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.
 

9.Thursday at 5pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mother, please see the minister in his private study.

10.This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
 

11.The service will close with "Little Drops Of Water". One of the ladies will start (quietly) and the rest of the congregation will join in.
 

12.Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.
 

13.The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
 

14.A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
 

15.At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
 

16.Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
 

17.The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
 

18.Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
 

19.Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
 

20.Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
 

21.The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
 

22.Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.

23.Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
 

24.The associate minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

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Who Was Jesus?

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus could have been Black:

1. He called everyone 'brother'.

2. He liked gospel.

3. He couldn't get a fair trial.


But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:

1. He went into His Fathers business.

2. He lived at home until he was 33.

3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was God.


But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus could have been Italian:

1. He talked with his hands.

2. He had wine with every meal.

3. He used olive oil.


But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus could have been a Californian:

1. He never cut his hair.

2. He walked around barefoot all the time.

3. He started a new religion.


But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus could have been Irish:

1 He never got married.

2. He was always telling stories.

3. He loved green pastures.


But the best evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus could have been a woman:

1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.

2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.

3. And even when he was dead. He had to get up and prepare breakfast!


 

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