5

Animal Antics!

Bear Faced Cheek

Bob was excited about his new rifle and decided to try
bear hunting. He travelled up to Alaska, spotted a small
brown bear and shot it. Soon after, there was a tap on
his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black
bear. The black bear said, "That was a real bad
mistake. That was my cousin. I'm going to give you two
choices. Either I maul you to death, or we have sex."
After considering briefly, Bob decided to accept the
latter alternative. So, the black bear had his way with
Bob.

Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Bob soon
recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another
trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it
dead. Right after that, there was another tap on his
shoulder. This time, a huge grizzly bear stood right
next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a real bad
mistake, Bob. That was my cousin and you've got two
choices. Either I maul you to death or we have very
rough sex." Again, Bob thought it was better to
cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death.
So, the grizzly had his way with Bob.

Although he survived, it took several months before Bob
fully recovered. Now, Bob was completely outraged, so
he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the
grizzly bear and shoot it. He felt sweet revenge, but
then, moments later, there was a familiar tap on his
shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear
standing there. The polar bear looked at him and said,
"Come on, admit it Bob, you don't just come up here for
the hunting, do you?

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Cock and Bull Story

Life Lesson

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get
to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the
energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied
the bull. "They are packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually
gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the
second branch. Finally after the fourth day, there he was proudly
perched at the top of the tree.

Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey
out of the tree.

The moral of the story is:-

 Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

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Elephants Never Forget

A man went to a urologist and told him that he was having a
problem; he was unable to get his penis erect.

The doctor told him that the muscles around the base of his
penis were damaged from a previous viral infection and that
there was nothing he could actually do for him.

However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work
if he were willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of
implanting muscle tissues from an elephant's trunk into the man's
penis. The man thought about if for a while. The thought of going
through life without ever experiencing sex again was just too
much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would
be no cruelty or adverse effect on the elephant, the man decided
to go for it.

A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light
to go tryout his newly renovated equipment.

As a result, he planned a romantic evening with  his girlfriend
and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town. However,
in the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that
continued to the point of being extremely painful. To release the
pressure he unzipped his flies and his penis immediately sprang
out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and
then returned to his trousers. His girlfriend was stunned at  first,
but then with a sly smile on her face said, "that was incredible!
Can you do it again? "With his eyes watering, he replied, "I think
I can, but I'm not sure if I can fit another bread roll up my backside..."
 

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Ewe wouldn't believe it.

A Texan, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck.

They found themselves stranded on a desert island.

After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the
beach every evening to watch the sun go down.
One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds,
the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the Texan.

Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it, but the dog got
jealous, growling fiercely until the Texan took his arm from around the
sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but
there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The
only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the Texan
had ever clapped eyes on. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her,
and they slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening
beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a
warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the Texan started to get "those feelings" again.

He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over
to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear...

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"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk" !!!!

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Another load of old bull.

****

A man took his wife to the Rodeo and one of the exhibits is that of breeding bulls.

They went up to the first pen and saw a magnificent bull with its handler and there was a sign that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year."
The wife poked her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."

They walked a little further and saw another pen  and an even more magnificent bull with its handler, with a sign that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year." The wife hit her husband and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked further and saw a third pen which had a smug looking bull with its handler and a sign saying, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife got very excited and said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."

Finally the husband looking rather peeved, said to his wife,

"Go and ask his handler if it was with the same cow."

The husband's condition has been reduced from critical to stable and he should eventually make a full recovery.

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Cat-astrophe

or

Cat-aclysm.

****

Subject: HOW TO THOROUGHLY CLEAN THE TOILET


1. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water,
and put both lids up.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him toward the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. (You may need to stand on the lid.) The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. (Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.)

4. Flush the toilet three or four times. (This provides a
"power-wash" and "rinse.")

5. Have someone open the door to the outside. (Be sure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.)

6. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

7. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself off. Both the commode and the cat will now be sparkling clean.

Ps. Don't try this at home kids.
 

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