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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any! I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, "no, the steaks are too high." My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off". I went to a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a mussel. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank. Proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself. Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it." "Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. " "Is it common? " "It's not unusual." A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy" Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside "How's that?" "Don't you start" Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom! What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.' Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round." The other one says "so are you, you fat git!" Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice." A man walked into the doctors, he said "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said "well don't go there any more" Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
Meanwhile, from our beloved fans in New Zealand, we bring you the following:
An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. For his first chapter he decided to write about Australian churches. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to SYDNEY, thinking that he would work his way across the country from the south.
On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per call". The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way.
Next stop was in MELBOURNE. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in SYDNEY and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.
"O.K., thank you," said the American.
He then travelled to Newcastle, Rockhampton, Airlie Beach, Port Douglas, Cairns, Darwin. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it.
The American, upon leaving PERTH saw a sign for New Zealand and decided to see if New Zealanders had the same telephone. He arrived in Auckland, and again, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read, "10 cents per call." The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. "Father, I've travelled all over Australia and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches.
I'm told that it is a direct line to heaven, but in every state the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"
The priest smiled and answered, "You're in New Zealand now son, it's a
local call".
So there you have it folks. GobFM's first "In The Gob!" Not exactly going to set the www on fire, but we hope you enjoyed it!