PETER PANIC

My Diary - Page Six

01/04/08: I walked through an avenue created by crumbling stone pillars as the first day of the month fairies danced like March hares.  I had already fallen through a disguised trapdoor into an alternate reality where facial features have small arms and legs growing out of them.  I shook my nose's hand before blowing it.  I then remembered when Paris chose a plastic mannequin instead of a goddess.
02/04/08: I had to launch myself through the thin slit of morning; using a handkerchief ladder to climb back into the languid afternoon.  While whiling away a long old maid evening I tried to place as many as cream scones under the old bucket I was using as hat as possible.  The bucket was covered with military insignia and I felt compelled to march to the end of the world and back before going to bed that night.
03/04/08: At dawn I calculated the total mass of all my childhood experiences while licking off the residue of a recent meteorite impact which I had accidentally found on my shoulder - my friend the parrot god had been perched on my other shoulder (a third shoulder, in antiquity,  had formed the foundations of Ancient Rome).  At dusk I went to worship at the shrine of the slowworm martyr.
04/04/08: I spent all day in the sandpaper garden making stepping stones across the void created by magic donkeys in the early moments of the universe.  The donkeys wore bright red lipstick.  The stones were aligned in accordance with arcane astronomical settings.  Once I had finished discussing the secrets of the universe with Bugsy Malone I came in with the donkeys stuck in my back pocket.  I wore red lipstick.
05/04/08: It was a cold day, living on the rim of a tea cup - the weather frogs forecast a fall of sugar.  I got up late (which was still too early) and tried to get the engine in my paving slab to start - unfortunately I had to push it to the building yard where the washing line gods work.  After taking off both hands and swapping them over I spent a Diplodocus afternoon in the garden.
06/04/08:I had another day in the flour garden.  My friend, the fat cactus, swallowed a telephone and was calling himself names.  I called myself a plank and then walked it.  I switched on the big picture horizon and saw the green ladies coming over the hills - the wagon train made a circle.  A circle is only a line that meets itself half way.  The green ladies finally met the red men.
07/04/08: I pushed my head up through the mole hill only see a cardboard sky replacing the real thing.  I quickly put my coloured crayons in my pocket.  The morning was the size of a table napkin and the afternoon was the ring it went in.  However all the spies, disguised as sheep and other warm blooded animals didn't have time to extract themselves from the super glue straddling the horizon before the long night fell.
08/04/08: Today I had time to climb a longer ladder (even though I don't like heights!).  I spread my wings and laid the table on them.  I invented a new history of mankind while chewing a book I had mistakenly picked up instead of a sandwich.  I then practiced dancing round a Maypole using strands of strange artistic ideas.  The plastic men and women walked by outside my insect eye window.
09/04/08: I woke with a medical prescription where my face should have been and then sailed out of the door on a cygnet.  While heading down stream I rehearsed my five times tables which I was going to recite instead of a speech that evening. This gave me very little time to remember the names of people I had once partnered in childhood nursery rhymes.  The bespectacled anaconda gave me the time of day and I gave it my watch.
10/04/08: Out in the morning - the mist formed a pair of pants (which I wore back to front).  I absorbed all the old stories and tied myself up into a tight knot - my friends call me Gordian.  I came back home as the filling in a pie which I stepped out of with an alligator writing prose on my shoulder.  I sat down in the poetry chair but didn't have much time to assemble my world renowned mechanical butterflies before having to go out with the caterpillar.
11/04/08: I went along a lollipop stick to the mouth of the river; I brought my own rain storms in a clear plastic bag kept over my head.  I smiled at the solitary submarine which was the sole survivor of the battle of the Little Big Horn.  The day was crumpled cellophane and I was the crumpled cellophane leader of men. As the evening and night formed a crutch in a pair of faded jeans I walked behind a girl with very striped stockings.
12/04/08: Today was not as eventful as I planned - this is despite the fact that I temporarily metamorphosed into a children's comic and a yeti fell down our stairs in the middle of the night; incidentally he was found to be holding a working model of King Kong squashing the last aeroplane (after this he climbed down from the Empire State Building and set about destroying New York).  I danced a lone dance in the garden and then danced a lone something inside the house.
13/04/08: I had a leisurely day as a mushroom in a concrete beech wood.  I managed to join hands with many cognizant plants, mutually forming a barricade against the stampede of flat pack humans waiting to be made up - even though some of their parts were missing.  I hung myself on the washing line in the afternoon, covering my head from flying magazine mess.
14/04/08: I woke on the shore of a purple sea, the ark was resting on a sea urchin sofa in the distance and I took two of our animals out to a fort built during the Napoleonic Wars.  I had a robotic seagull on my top hat - the hat was once used by Brunel as a chimney.  I only had a little time for bad news before drifting out to sea again holding an empty glass.  The key hole in my coat reminded me of a praying nun.
15/04/08: This was my only day this week which I could spend pressed flat between the pages of an old book.  I relished my dry flower sensibility and took out a capital letter for a drink.  The musical lorries trundled up and down the street at an alarming rate but I still had time to swallow several tubes of paint and spit out a set of completed paintings.  My shirt was covered with artists sand and my wife walked on my front like a holiday snap.
16/04/08: I started the day as a flag on a flag pole - during the morning the wind got up and I imagined a whale asleep in a wind sock.  I turned the tap on above my head and watched the falling water sparkle as it spontaneously invented sentences of new words.  I became an explorer and discovered many descriptions of my personality, which I filed away with my small collection of dinosaur teeth.
17/04/08: I went out like a candle flame in the morning, my jellyfish tentacles almost vertical in the cutting room wind.  I spent some time with the Jolly Green Giant before racing my shadow back to the once mythical school playground.  The wooden huts in a military line gave little protection from the cold communication and I stuck a tuba on my head and pulled my coat inside out.
18/04/08: I had a lay in and discussed philosophy with a recumbent elephant seal - I forget his name.  Once I had managed to climb out of the stain glass window I breakfasted with the talking trees and invented a new board game using broken pencils and pieces of string.  The string had been found inside a medieval siege catapult.  It later discovered god and spent it's final years in a hermitage.
19/04/08: I swam with the polylingual goldfish all morning, trying to learn a new language.  When the sky wasn't raining it was reading a book.  I watched a film in my umbrella; the dead man was waving on a mountain top.  Later I went to the shop with a golden tooth. At the door a man with a spider head stood staring - I stared back and reaaranged my collection of cleaning utensils.
20/04/08: It was much warmer today (the straw houses were perched on the edge of the volcano).  I hung from the ceiling as the empty sacks were opened.  After their contents were tipped out on the bare soil I rummaged in the undergrowth - early mammals stood guard overhead.  Voices of the townspeople sounded like moving earth and I sat on a milk bottle like a blue tit - I had long perfected the art of hiding in my own pockets.
21/04/08: I stepped out of the cardboard giant's mouth holding my head and remembering a recurring dream of men with big feet coming up the hill.  I had an alligator attached to each thigh like pistols.  After returning from the dentist I walked over the rainbow bridge to visit the vapour which floated where a shop once stood.  I opened the door into my own head.
22/04/08: It was a membrane world morning and I had to take two Eyptian goddesses to see their white coat family.  I talked to people in profile and made up friends in at least four alternative realities. When I got back in the observatory two colliding universes were spelling out a new word in the cosmos exercise book - the word was Neology.  I then had to spend the evening stuck to a bench like old chewing gum.  I was quite pleased when someone accidentally sat on me.
23/04/08: I got out of bed, stuck a plastic soldier behind my ear, and then went back to bed again.  When I finally got up the house was full of crumpled cellophane.  I turned it into a gigantic rabbit (which you could still see though) and hopped into my studio to place false moustaches above and below kiln dried clay anuses.  When the real sculptor came home I went out as a Mexican skydiver.
24/04/08: I had to go out so early the street lights were wearing pyjamas.  I waltzed to the snooker table countryside and had tea with a character from a Rupert Bear story - we laughed at our storybook reminiscences.  I came home with a hay balanced on each shoulder and contemplated calling myself Rick.  The invisible guardians were marching in a solemn procession as I opened the door to discover it's secret.
25/04/08: I woke to see my wife riding a mouse around the bedroom, I caught it and took it to the railway station before the gangster cat could get it.  I had the rest of the morning to sprawl on the modern art carpet with a wet fish as a fountain.  Dinner time was a ruler measuring infinity and I painted in the garden pond holding onto a Classical Greek sculpture all afternoon.  The evening was spent as a pendent lamp.
26/04/08: I was simultaneously three flying ducks over a mantlepiece as I swept out to a cold mirror world.  When I got there the High Street was sweating and the ice men spoke in several languages like the threads in a cross-stitch representation of the Queen Elizabeth ablaze in Hong Kong harbour.  I slugged my way home, arriving in time to take Poppy to visit her friend: The Dog Bone Gnome.
27/04/08: I had a quieter day today - the giant gongs on the housetop horizon had been temporarily silenced by huge pieces of plasticine shaped like whales cast up on a beach in the Isle of Wight during the Eighteenth Century.  I said a chemical prayer for the whales and made plans to resurrect them as cognizant tower blocks over looking the sea.  In a parallel future I will cling to one of these, swatting biplanes.
28/04/08: I climbed out of the breakfast cereal packet holding my two heads.  It took me a little while for me to unscrew the spare one and use it as an artificial coral reef in the goldfish bowl my wife had been balancing on her own head - one of three.  I blew out the flame in my studio and replaced it with a cloud.  It was soon joined by several others - plus a sheepdog in search of sheep (it was an easy mistake to make!).
29/04/08: I went out for the day with the Hot Ice Maiden.  We entered the big eye disguised as tree frogs only to be betrayed by two Italian sea birds hanging from the eyelids of the large window beneath which the had people gathered.  We were surprised by a long queue of toy cars waiting to be given a traffic cone.  I spoke into mine and parted the waters on a bald head - disturbing  the bikini band which was playing God Save the Queen.
30/04/08: All morning I was illuminating the Precambrian coral beds, slightly dismayed by the fact that my cogs and other interacting parts were on show - the numbered wheels calculated the collective wishes of the proto-Buddhas (the bearded one spoke to the children of the poor) and all who aspired to poverty.  In the evening I fathered a family of raindrops and grumbled about the microscopic forms I had to fill in/out.
01/05/08: I went out early to see the old king - I found him reclining on an old fashioned telephone in the blue whale throne room.  I threw my three coins and returned to lay on a slice of bread while the day light stars shone overhead.  Later I said farewell to the great taciturn god who had never mentioned to anyone the world he had created in less than six days.  The ceiling was low in the shearing room.
02/05/08: Today was bereft of all worries associated with raising an army and waging war on Troy.  I kept the now redundant triremes in my pocket along with a chunk of used chewing gum which I had previously shaped to resemble the frozen remains of a woolly mammoth.  Later, dressed as  harlequin, I imagined a land locked Isle of the Dead and drew deep water pictures in dry sand.
03/05/08: The garden, twice taken to a desert island and then returned, was shaped like horticultural pink lips which I kissed until the mouse god climbed down the grandfather clock and I had to crawl to a place of work.  I expect the clock to stop when the mouse finally passes away (this wont be for several hundred years at least).  To ease an imaginary pain I grew a tail and then painted it turquoise.
04/05/08: Another day in the mouth of flowers, where I bent like a monitor lizard caught for ever in a revolving door.  Every time I surfaced for air the sea's horizon had changed - making complex shapes which reminded me of crumpled floral sheets - I looked up for a last time and seagulls made a mathematical formula in the clearing sky.  At the day's end shire horses travelled down the weekend road hoping to attend a slot machine convention.
05/05/08:  I put on my Emperor's clothes and pondered on a day full of inconsequential things.  I then walked up the car boot sale isles to purchase my own painting (putting down my paintbrush while I did so).  Sitting in a space that had been especially made for me by the fish fairies I made strange noises which I hoped would reach back into a Neanderthal time.  I later found a cave man computer - much more powerful than the one used in Apollo 11.
06/05/08: My wife and I had a trip out holding onto a cat that had burrowed through the Earth to reach us.  We sent a fission message back.  We returned home, hanging from the telegraph wires and not touching ground until I had to pay for it.  The hippopotamus day was then spent wallowing in  artistically languid mud under an almost hot sun.  I didn't have to go out again so I bottled it for later.
07/05/08: I had a slow pace morning which I studiously metamorphosed into an enigma about multiple realities (I talked to myself when I did so)  Walking through a door than suddenly appeared in the wall I reflected on all the possibilities that could have been - the hotel wallpaper looked different every time I stayed.  Sitting down in the unknown room I watched seaside villas communicate with sign language as I sipped on a wine glass.
08/05/08: I pulled another very early morning from the drawer.  I worked in the old country garden feeling a little younger than last week.  On the way home (travelling on a mechanised fungal growth) I reflected again on what could have been - this time there was another person in the hotel room.  I got in and instantly changed into a lighthouse which imaginary people throw themselves from when their beloved is lost at sea.
09/05/08: Stepping out of the bedroom door I walked from one dream into another dream without even glancing down at the thin strip of reality which was showing up.  I patted the unreal dog and then petted the unreal cat.  However, I later found the sun to real to live outside so stayed in the worm burrow I call my art home.  In the evening the unreal moon returned and I made a real wolf howl.
10/05/08: My wife and I went out for the day - I was chained to an albatross.  Playing catch with a motorised fish I accepted a cup of tea from a  doll.  Outside, barefoot women pulled socks out of holes in the ground.  After noon I sat in the shade of a mermaid tree and drew a picture of a gate with four Eskimos in colourful bikinis coming out, each holding a pyramid with a rusty razor blade embedded inside.  The children laughed as birds circled overhead.
11/05/08: As soon as the translucent figures disappeared out of the almost open window I raced myself out of my engine room bed.  Later in the morning I went out into the classical garden with it's steam columns and Pompeian cinder pediments.  After a period of informal discovery I managed to pull a collection of curtains and other upholstery out of the formal pond.  At dusk I came in from the bottle harvest and the figures found me again.
12/05/08: It was hot and I chilled out; I kept a spare angel's wing behind my ear.  The ear later walked off on it's own. While it had gone I took the opportunity to visit the sirens.  The cars washed up on the shore were covered with bird mess.  After a brief spell in a Model T Ford I found myself tied to a pencil.  I finished my pencil lines while several small snakes joined themselves together to form one big one.
13/05/08: I hit my head on the celestial ceiling (ouch!) and then went to town with the Dragon Girls, fire emanating from the small boxes they clutched in their tiny hands.  I had to get back early to sleep on a clock hand - I counted all my too distant memories and then fell off at half past.  Later in the day I made toast in the Great Fire of London; eating it on an iceberg (until we hit the Titanic!).  I went to bed in a piggy bank
14/05/08: I pulled a tube from my pocket and went to visit the sea fairy (the water sprites had whispered that she was marrying the ethereal figure that forms each morning from sea spray).  I took the stone tablets from my bag and placed them on the floor.  I then walked to the cliff tops, I clambered down the landslip pulling my shoes behind me - several families of troglodytes sat in them for the ride.  The tablets had rearranged themselves on my return.
15/05/08: I went out in the morning like a steam locomotive.  While sitting in a siding I accidentally disturbed a blackbird on its nest - she looked at me with an electric light instead of an eye and I hypnotised myself into a state of heightened vacuumness.  The ghosts of previous generations clapped as I lead a team of old men back to my studio.  Once inside I painted the outside.  The smile below the horizon was represented by two plasticine worms.
16/05/08: I had dreamt all the previous day so I was lucid and awake all night.  In this condition I published a newspaper made from bed sheets and conducted a naked symphony orchestra from my bath (mutating into a green frog with red eyes as I did so).  I sat as The Green Man in the water filled  railway carriage remembering my trip to The Old Faithful Geyser - it was subsequently caught having an affair.
17/05/08: I woke as a postage stamp, turned over and was violently licked.  The door was open so I went straight out into the silent garden to scream.  I eventually crossed the bridge of dreams to my studio - music was emanating from my favourite chair so I sat on the radio.  I pulled a plastic ostrich from my bag and stuck a paintbrush behind my ear.  I had to go out when the penny dropped.  I arrived back home by post.
18/05/08: It took me a little while to crawl through the tunnel to the daylight.  I laughed when I saw all the clouds looked like lips; some where smiling and some were scowling.  I listened for my voice to echo from the highest clouds.  When I finally heard what I had spoken some hours earlier I walked to see Pam who was busy preparing her ladder.  None of the eyes in the sky were crying when I came back later than usual.
19/05/08:  I ran down stairs as a bit player in an old movie and celebrated my temporary freedom by jumping into a yoghourt pot.  The slave boats were found to be carrying flowers.  I watched all their biographies on the TV - a collar and tie was placed below the set.  I regretted accidentally eating my suit in an idle moment and had to leave the snail restaurant in disgrace.  I was crowned King of the compost heap later that afternoon.
20/05/08: I got up early to stick my arm up the rear passage of a large green plastic cow which had recently landed in the garden.  I pulled my hand out and looked at my watch - it was going backwards.  My wife and I walked out in sandals to the big Wellington boot that some friends were living in.  I liked their sofa (which was covered in photos of sand lizards) but disliked their garden.  We came home carrying a gate.
21/05/08: Today was the last of the current fruit salad days - I wore fresh cream instead of a hat.  I divided myself into two and shared the garden and the studio - the latter was circling the Earth. In deep space I disentangled the model railway tracks that were all jumbled up inside my cranium, found the signals and changed the points.  A steam engine raced by pulling a string of breakfast cereal packets.
22/05/08: I went to the childhood garden in a state of mountain man confusion (I had learnt to turn the fog in my head on and off at will).  The clods of earth danced like string puppets - the race of underground people used earth worms as periscopes.  I ran home with the arrow men running behind me.  I had to sit still on a flying carpet during most of the evening.  I patted the chocolate dog before walking home.
23/05/08: After having breakfast with my trousers (which had recently received a soul) I spent most of the day drawing lines round the strange marks that had suddenly appeared on the floor.  My wife and I went out to dinner in the evening.  I was in a bad mood as I had promised I would be a bluebell.  I nodded my head and waited for my meal - which, unbeknown to me, had started the long trek to the Middle East on a crusade of 1,000 virgins.
24/05/08: I discussed the immortality of soft plastic membranes with the cobweb girls during my lazy morning in the goldfish bowl desert.  Then I jumped up and down for several hours reciting lost tantric prayers before being grandpa for the afternoon.  We slid and pushed and I ended up singing silent songs outside a dwarf's house.  My colleague and I were garden gnomes all evening encased in a very hard plastic.
25/05/08: I found it hard to understand why the house was draped in a string vest when we had finally roused ourselves from the sun dragon slumber.  I pushed myself through one of the holes and stood in a drizzle coming from a levitating pepper pot.  At the end of the day the pieces of old rope we had used as ladders were glistening in the magical evening.  I said hello bat while my wife said hello ball.
26/05/08: June told me the story that when she woke I was riding a giant cat round the farmyard bedroom.  All I could remember was being in a Roman amphitheatre with baying crowds in the distance.  The gutters were having their eyebrows plucked when I crept downstairs using cosmic tortoises as slippers.  I had to rescue a metal spider from the invisible aliens before lunch.  After lunch I rescued the invisible aliens from themselves.
27/05/08: T
28/05/08: T
29/05/08: T
30/05/08: T
31/05/08: T