PETER PANIC

My Diary - Page Five

01/01/08: I climbed out of the top hat I had been sleeping in too late in the morning, several smiling faces had already gone by like railway coaches on a main line.  I washed my branch line face and went out to dinner dressed as a grizzly bear.  My wife and I had dinner between the straddled feet of wild western gunfighters.  I ended the day with holes in my hat.
02/01/08: A vague day that left alone wouldn't remember its name.  I called it Fred after the ghost who used to live under my small bed.  Remembering to put red and blue flashing lights on my forehead I sat in my multicoloured morning studio as Frankenstein would have danced in tutu and tights.  I gave all my silver bullets to the only werewolf I knew and walked to work.
03/01/08: I took an early trip to the place where I grew up; ivy still climbed the walls and burgled the bedroom where naked priests practised yoga.  I counted my old possessions and laughed at the picture pasted on the television screen.  Hearing voices I floated home still paying homage to the wolfman.  New coins clinked in my pocket as I opened the door after knocking it.
04/01/08: A bad day for no particular reason.  Admittedly I started the day sitting on a budgerigar swing but I climbed down the rigging of the ancient ship turned into plant feature quite early and was wearing telescopes as earrings by dinner.  I ran on the spot all afternoon.  At dinner time I made a scowling face with my food while my wife made a smiling one.
05/01/08: I ate my breakfast while slowly spinning  on top of an antique jewellery box - the box lid was lifted by a crowd of howling monkeys.  I had to make a scale model of the ark for a prophet called Ginevra before I could draw lines on my forehead.  I was hoping to have lunch on another planet but the curtains were drawn and I was caught holding my head with the clockwork mechanism still on show.
06/01/08: Instead of descending the stairs like a prima donna I jumped onto the virtual scaffolding and climbed to the ground carrying a model of the Statue of Liberty.  I lit her flame and put out my own.  Carrying my spade like a cross I went out in the sunlit garden, spoke to an octopus and then came back into the shade to prepare for my evening tied to cow in formaldehyde.
07/01/08: I opened the day like an envelope. I allowed myself several minutes to tread grapes before steaming the stamp.   I sat in the cockpit as early as possible even though the strings were all showing - “Hello Phones”.   I eventually trudged down the road knowing I had taken my hands off the controls.  The evening was spent with a talking skyscraper - complete with cuddly King Kong.
08/01/08: I was unhappy with myself all day as I walked on the moon with every action in slow motion.  To emphasise the point a swarm of jellyfish beat me in an egg and spoon race.  I pulled the sack over my face and painted bare feet on a pair of shoes.  This was my last pair of shoes - all the others having answered back during their school lessons.
09/01/08: The faceless characters that surround the bed pulled an expression of resignationon on my puppet face.  I sighted my first blue whale as I dressed and then tried to assemble the first working Frankenstein robot in my studio.  I used to have a collection of plastic monsters including a luminous skeleton.  I thought about the past and imagined my cut-out persona sleeping on a little red tricycle. 
10/01/08: I started the day sumo wrestling the dog.  While taking a breather from this I investigated the Sanskrit message that had miracously appeared on a carrot I pulled out of the thick piled carpet.  Later I tried to lasso several paintings but I cannot round up as quickly as I used to.  I ruffled my rodeo hair and thought about replacing the carpet with linoleum.
11/01/08: I was out in the morning, travelling behind the waterfall.  I got wet emerging into another reality.  I called this reality Terrence after the Roman writer.  I came home with flames appearing under my hat.  I soon put these out with blue paint from the sky I was creating.  I called myself The New Reality and bought twelve bottles of wine.
12/01/08: I jumped on the spot for the first hour of the smiling morning.  I then built a table and laid myself on it like lunch - a multitude of starving people drifted by.  I crossed the stream of life and spent the frowning afternoon trying to remember all the different names I had called myself.  I was still doing this when a giraffe leaned in the window holding a quiver of arrows in its mouth.
13/01/08: I squeezed out of the toothpaste bed and proclaimed this Sunday to be the sphinx day.  I answered all the riddles I set myself and then remembered my late mother.  All the clouds were sheets of paper with words on them - some of which I had written myself.  I was astonished to discover that those that expressed the most emotion I couldn't read.
14/01/08: I knew from very early in the day that some kind of puppet was living inside my cranium.  I opened myself up like the dome of St Peter's.  I had decided to have some time off from chasing butterflies so I could catch up with the important work of putting my ideas through an old fashioned wringer.  Honeysuckle grew on the old tin shed - I wished I had a nest there.
15/01/08: I had a day to myself so I decided to spent it sat on a fly agaric like a pixie.  I conjured up a swarm of issues on my laptop and then found a hive for them - they slept like childhood toys.  I spent all day speaking with stalactites and stalagmites to many people I had never met. When I looked up from my pointless communications I noticed that the clock was wearing pyjamas.
16/01/08: My wife wanted to explore a collection of jam jars that shone in the sun by the road that led up to the old flat.  I blew a steam train whistle and followed her like an elder of a race of ice giants.  We measured every square inch of wood effect tiling and compared the colour of blood to various rolls of wallpaper herded into the corner of the room.  I remembered in a past existence proselytising a band of rampant lemmings.
17/01/08: I started the day as a buried king waiting for my country to need me.  With that in mind I was justifiably concerned about not being able to spell so well recently - I decided only to write in invisible ink.  I also chiselled out an orange (stolen from an island of giant oranges - ruled by a race of intelligent donkeys!) and stepped inside it.  The dog didn't want to go out for a walk so I flew out of the window.
18/01/08: Despite peeling myself off the fortune telling hand I missed the early bus.  I found myself at the bottom of the well and phoned a friend dressed as harlequin - he answered the phone as columbine.  I pulled myself up with several goldfish in each pocket.  I had to shake myself off before preparing for the sand dune trek to my lighthouse job.  When I got there the light went out.
19/01/08: The morning was an elastic band which I pulled as hard as I could before it snapped..  By choice I spent the middle of the day in a cupboard.  After lunch I patrolled the out reaches of the collective imagination, reciting verses of an Elizabethan love sonnet while pushing around a collection of flower pots in an old wheelbarrow.  The evening was spent in a hole.
20/01/08: I swept myself out of the house like fallen leaves, followed a trail of spilt wine and emerged in a forest of heightened reality.  The middle of the day was spent coppicing - arms hung like stalactites and legs pushed up (stalagmites was my middle name).  I could hear voices on the other side when I followed a dead hedge with Eileen - I could not get a signal on my phone.
21/01/08: I looked in the medieval mirror before the renaissance sun was up.  I smiled when I discovered I had grown a lion's tail during the night.  I put my Trafalgar Square hat on and cut a heart shaped hole out of the middle of the newspaper.  After a brief spell on a piece of toast I had to go out to sing in a silent choir.  I got home early enough to cough.
22/01/08: I spent the morning running around the bottom of a dug out canoe.  I measured everything and was finally confident I had enough material to make a mast.  By then the mermaid had climbed out of the wine goblet and shuffled my pictures like playing cards - she went away again with a flush.  I was alone in the evening and curled up in the centre of a doughnut.
23/01/08: From my cold and dark start I tossed the dice and got two threes, moved forward four spaces and went down a reticulated python to the place where I started - however my blood pressure was normal.  I filled a sandwich with my thoughts for the rest of the day and ate my way to an afternoon rendezvous with the lollipop lady.  She gave me six licks for my stamp.
24/01/08: I walked (quite slowly with a blindfold like an old fashioned portrayal of truth) across the top of an aeroplane's wings.  Once out of early morning slipstream I sat in the giant's workshop cutting country words. I then went past the RAF roundels to see an old friend, had a swimming pool of tea and came back with home made marmalade.  The time I had to paint would have barely covered the helmet worn by Ned Kelly.
25/01/08: At the pistol whip of dawn I found myself in a tree like a bird.  Once back on the ground I had to pull a crown of thorns out of a carrier bag and write a note to the Che Guevara Government.  The motion picture in my head went into slow motion and I tiptoed though the mine field of my studio, pulling a bath plug at the same time.  I saw a lot of smiling and frowning ideas go down the hole which is 24 hours across.
26/01/08: I shot out of the cannon bed with a saw already in my hand.  I walked a wooden plank and then laid a floor for concubines to stand on. The dog read while I measured the distance between then and now.  The afternoon coughed and the evening pretended to be asleep but wasn't.  I walked up the hill to the ice castle with a bottle of wine swimming in a tank like a goldfish.
27/01/08: The ancient reptile opened its mouth wide and I discovered I had a day which I could string together as I liked.  I made a piece of jewelry the giantess would be proud of.  While racing round the amulet I discovered that the enemy had infiltrated the wise plants still sleeping in the petrified forest.  I clunked chains like a ghost as I considered how to rectify the problem.
28/01/08: A late morning and I found myself between fallen columns and other remnants of ancient architecture.  I did my chores in the secret garden before coming in to sound the bells high in the astronomy telescope tower.  I had an early dinner and then walked to the Anglo Saxon fair to sell my adopted produce.  I had promised to contact the pixies but couldn't.
29/01/08: Once the sun had risen above a pencil raised to the forest sky (all the dead elms had walked by in a solemn procession) I went out in the African desert to paint the now necessary white marks on the ground.  By midday the game had started.  During the elephant trunk afternoon I sloughed my skin and put my pencil back in the soldier's box.
30/01/08: I had to leave the house as a cardboard cutout figure, my wife was code named scissors.  I had some space in the tear in the middle of the day to paint a moustache on the sofa - where the spaceships came from.  I then waltzed with myself as the heavy machinery organs played music from the old movies.  The end of the day was spent counting in eleven dimensions.
31/01/08: I was out early in the morning (several ice cubes were tucked behind each ear)  I talked to two people at once while holding my hands outstretched at the top of the hill.  That done, I came back inside a cereal packet - my legs stuck out the bottom for easy motion.  I entered the house through the letter box like a Spartan warrior and then walked the dog to the front door and back.
01/02/08: I had a lay in, although the bedroom had turned into a vermin riddled cellar at some time during the night.  I finally got up with my bat wings folded under my coat, painted the cat (which for some reason had a bicycle pump stuck in it's ear) and then went out for a drink with Ben.  I walked in the house later wearing a pumpkin as a head, my wife had a giant squid on her lap.
02/02/08: I spent part of the fallen giant morning laying tiles in a Dutch master painting.  This done and all the cattle that oscillate between weakness and invulnerability brought into the stockade, I worked in strands of daylight as a sorcerers' apprentice.  I managed to walk round a town in fourteen different times at once before going to the place I call Valhalla (when dressed as Brunehild) for the slingshot evening.
03/02/08: The magic plants woke me so that I could creep past the slumbering Merchant of Venice.  I meant to spend the day on the surface of Mars but kept inside while the circular and semi-circular craft landed outside.  As the bird mascot of the aurora borealis sat on it's eggs I taught my self several new words - ouch! backwards being one of them.
04/02/08: The day started in tune but the chordal aspects of my life became more dissonant as the day progressed.  I went out pulling various unfinished undertakings behind me like the entrails of a behemoth woken under the ice sheet on a municipal pond.  I arranged the stones I found on a spectral invertebrate's back into a symbol of one thousand tomorrow's.
05/02/08: I opened my eyes to a hog's breath morning, pulled myself out of the shark bed I had been sleeping in and pressed hard against the window until my thinness attracted a crowd.  I have not been out in the garden since a minstrel from the court of King Henry III sang a song under the bird table I had made myself.  The pack of cards holding up the house sank to the ground.
06/02/08: The morning was a smile which I passed though like a post hibernation toothbrush.  The middle of the day was composed of vertical sheets of perspex with just a few inches of reality between each sheet.  I became the goldfish and my wife became the chest of drawers it sleeps in.
07/02/08: An old fashioned nine to five day - I went to work as an apricot.  It seemed a long day as the shoe box fairies danced on the clock which was laying horizontal on the vast plain - having crashed to Earth during the last ice age.  The rag doll sang all praise to the Holocene while I  pushed bottles into my backpack like anti-tank projectiles.
08/02/08: I had to play games with Dracula and his cousins, the heavily bandaged trees, during the early part of the day.  Later meeting a fairy godmother dressed as Cinderealla - I polished her shoes and saw dinosaurs caught in a rain storm.  In the electric light afternoon, June and I walked the dog and were amazed when all the inhabitants of this crooked town walked by on six foot high clogs.
09/02/08: I had a lay in - the Greek ships had appeared on the horizon and I swaggered to the pirate's ball in the mid morning kitchen.  I had a bath in my cereal bowl while my wife ate a plastic duck. According to the manual that landed like a budgerigar egg on the astral door mat "If you follow enough arrows you will find the bow".
10/02/08: I odd jobbed my way out of the Turkish bath bed and slipped through the day segmented like a shared cake.  The rockets launched as I sat in front of the question mark screen.  I called myself Geraldine when Attila the Hun dropped in for tea.  The day shed its military uniform and I pulled myself onto the shore in the evening, next to the birthing sea lions.
11/02/08: I crossed the canyon walking a pair of tights rope, the silver spoon on my head bent into the shape of a flamingo's neck  I had a circular morning and a square afternoon; where the diagonals intersect was the place I prepared for the campaign ahead - I was Noddy remembering Big Ears.  Despite the cloud inside my head I had a nice evening watching the songbirds sing in a diamond tipped cage.
12/02/08: My wife and I took a trip in a magic carpet, she dressed as a breakfast cereal odalisque and me hidden in a jar.  We walked the spaghetti path with trestles and trestle tables.  On the way home I yawned as we jumped the blood river.  However, once inside the frowning house I was too tired to climb Everest and sat inside the broken computer chanting.
13/02/08: From the war games breakfast table I hopped in a giant boot; at times only an empty hand was visible.  I just had the morning to kick a ball so I balanced a pane of glass on my head as the spherical missiles fell from an earlier historical period.  From three o'clock I had to run around like a clockwork mouse.  I was till tinkering with the now mended computer as the Eskimo sun retired for the day.
14/02/08: I had a day in my burrow, shut away from the flying horse weather - I knew  a person who conducted an earthworm orchestra.  I wore my Tales From The River Bank mask as the gymnasts entered the room from a fifth dimensional door.  From someone else's pocket I pulled a map showing where the curled up dragons are plugged in - I unplugged my radio and hummed a tune.
15/02/08: I went to the black and white picture place early in the morning.  I had the bus to myself so I drew faces on the windows - one frowned and then spoke.  Luckily I had kept my voice in my briefcase.  The kind man had built a house out of cheese, I ate my way through the front door and sat down in front of the laughing box.  I came back to perform in the circus - I somersaulted and caught fish in my open mouth.
16/02/08: It was a crumpled day that I fell into - I ate porridge and ironed myself flat.  I pretended to be a giraffe and put up tall shelves.  However, the hanging plants, like my memories, wouldn't fit their new home.  The afternoon was a drainpipe and I snorted like a wild pig while I sorted out all the odd jobs which amass like flotsam.  I had time in the evening to wave the ship good bye.
17/02/08: My Birthday, which I celebrated by playing solitaire in a dungeon I constructed from old jokes.  My presents walked in the door unannounced.  I gave myself flowers and thought about volcanoes in far way places.  I opened the rose coloured window and slid my head into the fast lane; the rest of my body went out of the door as a slow river - the evening was Huckleberry Finn.
18/02/08: I raised the portcullis and went out into a dawn like Brunel's hat - smoke was seen to be issuing from the unopened boxes laid out on the concrete lawn. I had the Sorcerer Apprentice's day to myself so I archived it and hid the question marks in the vault - they subsequently came to life and taught me how to play Monopoly for cats.  My opponent got the cream.
19/02/08: The spinning top, which I found myself on, took all morning to stop.  When it finally did so I was pleased to find that the red lines, haphazardly produced, had spelt a word.  I thought the word could be used for firewood.  I motorised the mirror and taught myself new words.  The words were tried out when a flying house appeared in the street and I had to communicate with its occupants.
20/02/08: I opened the morning like a present; the box was big but the gift inside was small.  The afternoon was a snake which I wrapped round my neck and then got myself photographed.  In the photo I walked the glass steps and shimmered in the clouds.  The evening winked suggestively while I planned to turn the top of my head into a chessboard.
21/02/08: The ramp of the amphibious vehicle opened on the beach (High Noon and the clock was a smiling face), my family emerged dressed as movie monsters.  Greetings were exchanged like cuddly toys and I wrapped myself up as the Wolfman. We went out for a meal - my father drank blood while handing out gifts.  I threw flowers in the air like all werewolves do.
22/02/08: June drew the curtains from across my face and fluffed up the cushions on the sofa.  I counted hairs on my head and went back to sleep.  The marching band was playing in the distance - simultaneously getting closer and farther away.  I jostled in the morning and clinked bottles in the evening.  The afternoon was a princess all dressed in pink
23/02/08: I started the day like a Saturday paper.  I read my supplements and rolled out of bed (for once the bed was not a Viking long boat).  I walked the long tongue of garden casting small fragments of previous existences like bread crumbs.  I looked round and there was a queue of Mexican bird people waiting for the bus - I kept them waiting and then turned up three times in quick succession.
24/02/08: I was a butterfly in a butterfly morning.  I fluttered to Little Durnford to lay my eggs in fallen trunks - sliding down the hillside like a Second World War American marine.  The fire was our flag and we compared bones by the fireside.  I was too tired in the evening to climb the beanstalk so the giant came to me.
25/02/08: I slept on a spoon last night, I woke up while stirring my wife's coffee. I had worn the cat instead of pyjamas and I stretched myself into a rope ladder over an imaginary ravine.  Once the other side I spent some time putting Red Indian war paint on my face.  I followed the warpath to the local off-licence where spirit voices emanated from philosophical teepees.
26/02/08: Juno and I went for a trip; after a preamble in a kaleidoscopic water meadow (where I previously imagined a gymkhana with great fountains of water at each jump) we followed a trail of peacock feathers to the beneficent spider's lair.  Juno met the spider while I drew pebble people - apparently he was one of the spindly sort.
27/02/08: I woke simultaneously as myself and Hector (a dog from the Trojan War).  I ate breakfast with Achilles knocking on the door.  After breakfast, I managed to draw two windows and a door on a bare wall, I opened the door and let myself in.  Later, I took a flying saucer to the evening star where I work - I walked home disguised as a lamppost (followed by dogs).
28/02/08: I rode a rhinoceros' back in the early morning, practiced the television lotus position and walked an elephant home.  I then had to move in circles until the end of the middle grey afternoon.  I had a meeting and then travelled an old sheep route to the lighthouse where I work.  I sat in the evening with a cat sat on me.
29/02/08: I expected more of today than it managed to deliver.  It started badly when the great gates slid open to reveal smaller gates behind.  I knocked on the even smaller door and once inside painted the toenails of my studio chair.  I then only had time to slip through a couple of arctic crevasses before trudging to work on artificial snow.
01/03/08: I spent too much of the (admittedly buttercup) morning pegged to a clothes line drying in the breeze.  I then put on my pyjamas to paint stripes on a nude canvas.  The birds of prey gathered as I slithered through the afternoon - I escaped by going to prison for a longer than usual evening.  I had to smear camouflage onto my face before having supper.
02/03/08: I buttered the large slice of bed I woke upon and contemplated swimming with african clawed toads.  After this I thought about the meaning of life - which is a carpet on which everyone walks barefoot.  My afternoon sandwich was partly spent as a giant in a miniature pavilion.  I was still thinking about small houses when I pulled myself home. 
03/03/08: It was a cold bright day and I walked around with a dungeon in my top pocket - my pocket handkerchief refused to confess.  I spent most of the pair of tights day in a teepee with a teapot on my navel. I only crossed the 1000 piece jigsaw bridge when I heard growling from behind the curtains.  During the evening the lights went out.
04/03/08: The day started well; skating on a giant duck's bill and racing in a car made from spent lemonade bottles, later when I got out of the cobweb jet plane the high cloud began to dissipate.  The Chinese Princess dress my robot alter-ego had been wearing started to unravel and the plastic building bricks started to fall from the skull cap Taj Mahal.  I ended the day whistling half remembered songs from the Crimean war.
05/03/08: I was caught up in a manically spiralling vortex in the morning - which made a mess of my hair .  Each strand had been practising yoga in the early morning sun.  I put on a hat shaped like Venus just after the birth of the solar system and chanted a breakfast cereal mantra.  During the afternoon I was frozen like a shop window mannequin.  I sat down all evening.
06/03/08: I shot out of bed like an arrow from pigs tail.  I trekked to the place where the fauna are invisible and the flora translucent.  I lit a candle in a tree trunk and then tripped over a sleeping dog. Before lunch I parachuted back to the two dimensional comic world.  I crashed landed holding on tight to my speech bubble. My bubble and I went out in the evening.
07/03/08: The day was on horse back and I rode out with my wife and fifteen leprechauns to a place of light.  I became the dark shadow to save the toy town.  The houses climbed on top of each other and the ring master played the pan pipes.  I split into three people on the way home.  All of us tried to go through the front door at the same time.
08/03/08: I woke and the house yawned, I went downstairs earlier than usual (donkeys powered the pump) as the room surfaced like a blue whale.  I amazed myself in the morning by hollowing out a mushroom and turning it into a garden shed.  The afternoon was spent on a race track with African music in the background - I pulled the giant spider's web off the wall and used it as a hair net.
09/03/08: I got up early again - I heard voices outside (these turned out to be issuing from rapidly evolving automobiles).  After surfing on the carpet while my breakfast bowl crouched like a big cat I went out to a place of rooms - in the rooms items of furniture manifested predatory instincts.  I came home earlier that expected - travelling in a rocket powered bullfrog.
10/03/08: A very windy day; the wedding dress once worn by a cognizant vegetable blew over ripping in places.  The invisible rodent advised me to place it on the corpse of yesterday man and bury it - I lit a candle and whispered in a feminine voice.  The evening was spent up a ladder as I had accidentally discovered a hole in the floor and I wanted to get away from it.
11/03/08: Between the bedroom door and the top of the stairs there was a row of old fashioned record players which I had to stand on in turn before I could breathe in the morning air.  Zephyr stood at the bottom of the thousand steps blowing out his cheeks. I jumped between lizard eyes, the music of my past still playing in the background.  I left the house as a chameleon.
12/03/08: I split in two early in the day and became Whisper Man and Shouting Man.  My wife was a chandelier with parts of the still windy morning falling from it.  I made contact with a asteroid as it sped past the Earth.  In the afternoon I was In-Between Man and sat at my easel which I call "The Titanic".  The evening was awash with wine as Flotsam and Jetsam joined up together.
13/03/08: A row of paper dolls stretched from the visible door to some point in space - I opened the invisible door.  I had a short trip to the laughing house where the two occupants wore the North and South Poles as hats.  It was a cold trip home.  I closed the invisible door and opened the invisible window - I opened the visible window; a row of concrete glove puppets stretched to the horizon.
14/03/08: I slid through the day like a book mark; I read the book: one page showed an elephant in a reusable carrier bag and the other showed the battle of the River Plate enacted in a drainage ditch.  I jumped over the ditch as Jesus entered Jerusalem. The morning was wrapped in black lines, the afternoon was spent walking between Mohammed and the mountain.  Evening: imagine a fiery orange sun setting.
15/03/08: I woke with a false start and two fireworks stuck in my ears.  I rocketed downstairs with someone else's baby in my arms.  I wanted to change the lock to the chest women accidentally lock themselves in but never got round to it.  Instead I spent the morning trapped in frog spawn and the afternoon pulling hairs off an unfinished portrait of a girl.  For the evening I was teardrop in an eye that never closes.
16/03/08: As I opened the door to go to the black wood a parade of extinct animals ran past.  I counted them and then divided by twelve.  The rain (vocalising like Rachmaninov) stopped as we drew up our army column of sedan chairs.  I was the first in the fast moving stream.  We spoke all day in the language of otters and I came home as a red kite.  While hanging motionless in the air I pronounced my name in thirteen different ways.
17/03/08: I scrambled out of my pillbox just in time to see the face on the early morning head frown; the sun was hanging in the sky like a melon.  I frog marched myself to the garden pond where I talked to the long departed - my voice was amplified by the Wellington boot I was hiding in.  I went back inside the Cornish tin mine at noon but only had a few hours to talk to the fairies before paddling my canoe down stream again.
18/03/08: I had to be careful as I skated on a mirror showing two of my seven faces - I tossed a coin and it came up somewhere in between heads and tails.  In the lemon light morning I played noughts and crosses with a fish called Bob.  After the water fell I settled down to drawing a map of an imaginary town on a pair of feet that protruded from the warm wall.  In the evening I put on a dress and courted myself.
19/03/08: The elephant who will spawn a new civilisation when mankind has gone had metamorphosed into a standard lamp.  I switched off the light and I was just considering taking the hippopotamus out for lunch when I had to go and baby sit a vacuum like space.  I numerically adjusted my biodegradable environment before turning myself into a locomotive called flame.  Flame had blown himself out by mid afternoon.
20/03/08: I crept out of the door very early in the great white shark morning; taking care I wasn't spotted by the strange looking creature holding onto the broken gutter pipe (I will have to phone about this).  I had a short time with the old master and came back in a chewing gum haze.  The diaphanous trails of sixteen separate realities stretched overhead - Bugsy Malone crept into the garden holding half a fish.
21/03/08: I had poured my breakfast over the ants nest on my head and was reading the remnants of yesterday's meal when I became aware of the sound of marching feet.  I covered the eyes of a magazine head and disappeared into the bedroom with half a potato. Later, my wife and I had collected several Russian spies disguised as gold fish when we heard the sound of invisible footprints marching back again.  I had a head ache in the evening.
22/03/08: I stepped out of the alligator jaw bedroom after a long medieval effigy lay in.  I exchanged clockwork keys with my wife and then went outside for precisely 30 seconds.  She then went out for 25.  The bells in the loft chimed amd a hand touched mine.   I tried to spend as much time as I could in the tall tower overlooking the one eyed lake.  When this eye closed I walked to a place of work.
23/03/08: I had some time swinging in the trees with a troop of gibbons before being spread on a table and having cutlery arranged by my table mats.  I sailed in Spanish wine while a row of would be Jesus people got holes in their chests.  The loudspeakers placed in bird cages made noises while our host stuck a microphone down her slacks.  Arrows swept by outside looking for hats.  I sang from a moving tumbil.
24/03/08: The stranger which we had seen sitting on the Classical Greek roof had played tricks again.  June drew her curtains, I painted mine and all we could see was a patterned wallpaper pasted to the glass.  I took the fish off my glasses, swam outisde and blinked a brief period of sunlight.  I leant the ladder in my hat against the wall and pretended to climb up into an imaginary window, once inside the cardboard person said hello.
25/03/08: After a cold shower start I had a two dimensional day on a page from a Victorian childrens book.  I was laid out flat for lunch and the first part of the smiling face I called the afternoon.  I stood alone in my studio.  Smoke came from holes in the ground where the village once stood.  I made a circle round one invisible roof and remembered growing up.  I then remembered growing down.
26/03/08: While my wife got ready for her visit to the Snow Queen's castle I practiced rhyming slang while hanging upside down like a bat.  I saw myself in the mirror and became a Sixties tower block.  I had to spend most of the morning with a leaky roof and damp patches.  During the afternoon I encased myself in childrens building blocks and stood by an open door.  I heard the moving air write it's name in sky blue ink.
27/03/08: I went out early, bouncing off Mrs Spider's web into a working man's morning; I walked down to the old man's door as rabbits in cloth caps passed by.  We discussed landscapes with large mouths and listened for a reply.  I wanted to go to the seaside but my mechanical butterfly wouldn't work and then the bus didn't turn up on time.  When I finally got in I phoned a friend and asked him what my name was.
28/03/08: My wife and travelled back in both linear and diffusive time.  As the grey smoke settled we wandered round historical buildings with boulders on our heads. My wife had her boulders examined as I drunk coffee from a swimming pool.  No one in a bathing costume went buy so I folded up my paper yacht and spent the evening riding tomcats the size of stone lions.
29/03/08: I intended to camp in the garden while the aboriginal tribes migrated west.  However the giant head (with a road tunnel where it's mouth should have been precluded any form of entertainment which didn't utilise a Red Indian bow and arrows).  My arrows pointed in all four cardinal points and I reluctantly went down each in turn.  It was a long evening.
30/03/08: The clock face changed today, from supercilious to shocked and dismayed.  I got out of bed with an unmanned rocket behind my ear.  Most of the day was spent dining with Polyphemus although I had a brief sojourn in the sunshine wrapped in a sheep.  I discovered I needed a new belt when several of the multi-storey town houses fell from my waist.
31/03/08: I had a day I could spend alone on a vast dinner plate, I was surprised when the glorious trees in the distance turned out to be Brussels sprouts.  I went round in very grand circles sat upon a bright pink snail - it turned out that the snail carried elephants when it couldn't carry the world.  I put the world in my top pocket and my hand in my bottom pocket.