What a family.

My sister is so dumb she spent hours studying for her blood test -- and failed.

My father is so mean he sneaked onto the roof one Christmas, fired his shotgun, then told us that Santa Claus had committed suicide.

His brother is just as mean. He broke into a neighbour's flat to gas himself.

My other uncle was so lazy he married a pregnant woman.

My baby sister is called Tuesday. When she was born Dad took one look at her and said, "Let's call it a day."

My little brother failed his history test. He thought that Joan of Arc was Noah's wife. He hates history. He says that he should have been born in the Tudor period: there was less history to study then.

Daft Aunt Mabel sent me a £10 cheque for my birthday, but didn't sign it because she didn't want me to know who had sent it.

My granny went on the pill because she didn't want to have any more grandchildren.

We paid a genealogist £500 to trace our family tree, and another £2000 to keep it quiet.

Classified Ads.

"I'm into wife-swapping. Anything considered in exchange."

"Bicycle for sale for girl with leather seat."

"Wanted -- man to wash dishes and two waitresses."

"To rent, two-bedroom flat sharing bathroom and outside loo at present occupied by owner."

"For sale -- wardrobe with two drawers, a shelf and ample hanging space for man."

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Moments in history.

"I don't care what you've heard, Noah, I trust Michael Fish."

"Ouch! Bet that stings, Harold."

"Pull yourself together, Mona. How can I paint you with all that giggling? Okay, I'll put my pants back on."

"Aw, Joan, couldn't you have gone before? You've put the fire out."

"Now Lizzie, you know you shouldn't be playing with that axe."

"We're in luck, darling. I got the last two tickets. The Titanic sails tomorrow."

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Graffiti

Daffynitions

Jokes Galore!

Blondes Have All The Fun