The best way to find something you have lost is to buy a replacement.

The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

The human mind is like a parachute, it only works when it is open.

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.

The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

Long periods of drought are always followed by rain.

Fish and visitors stink after three days.

He that speaks much, is much mistaken.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.

Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.

Women are like teabags; they don't know their true strength until they're in hot water!

Dogs have owners; cats have staff.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

One man's folly is another man's wife.

Don't die for your beliefs -- you might be wrong.

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

Never forget a friend, especially those who owe you.

Strangers have the best candy.

Keep smiling - it makes everyone wonder what you're up to.

Never drink water - if it can rust iron, just think what it'll do to your stomach.

First rule of acting: Whatever happens, look as if it was intended.

If everything seems to be going well, you've obviously overlooked something.

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

The length of a minute depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

A word to the wise isn't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.

Distrust camels, and anyone else who can go for a week without a drink.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried slamming a revolving door.

Education is what you get from reading the small print; experience is what you get from not reading it.

If you're too open-minded your brains will fall out.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

Make it idiot-proof, and someone will make a better idiot.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

There are two classes of people: those who finish what they start and

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.

Be kind to your kids; they'll choose your nursing home.

If your parents never had kids, chances are you won’t either.

Everyone is entitled to my opinion.

Drive defensively, buy a tank.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Always borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

When the blind lead the blind, get out of the way.

A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.

Honesty is the best policy - when there's money in it.

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.

Save time - see it my way.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

If the shoe fits, buy it in every colour.

Coffee. Chocolate. Men - Some things are just better rich.

Never argue with a fool; people might not know the difference.

Murphy's Law: If anything can go wrong, it will.
Murphy's Law Revised: Everything will go wrong at once.
O'Toole's Commentary: Murphy was an optimist.

Before you borrow cash from a friend, decide which you need more -- the cash or your friend.

If it jams, use force. If it breaks, it needed changing anyway.

When all else fails, read the instructions.

The Golden Rule: The man with the gold makes the rules

Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.

Never drive with one hand on the wheel and one hand on your girl -- it doesn't satisfy the police or the girl.

There's no job so simple that it can't be botched.

Never let any mechanical device know that you're in a hurry.

Never put off until tomorrow the things you've already put off until today ... unless you'll have time to consider them tomorrow.